Like I don't have anything else going on...

I've been thinking lately about me.

Ok, I think about me all the time. When I'm not thinking about myself, I think about other people. And cupcakes. Or Whoopie Pies. Whatever.

The point is, that this year I have been thinking a lot about me and who I am and who I want to be. This is how I improve myself. I know I have a lot of room for improvement. I hope I always do. Part of this thinking about me is thinking about the girl I used to be. And the parts of her I would like to revive.

For example, I used to be a person who paid her bills as soon as they arrived. But more exciting than that, I used to be a doodler. and a little bit of a painter. Mostly because we had this really neat watercolor paper and I liked to paint butterflies on it. little fields of flowers and butterflies.

Then, at some point, I became a little self concious. then I grew into REALLY self concious. Suddenly, my doodles were not good enough. And I didn't know what to paint anymore. Then, dare I say? I was embarrassed?

No one made me that way, I did it to myself by thinking I was not good enough. But that doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't matter who thinks I am a good enough doodler because I just like to doodle.

The day after I remembered that I am actually something of an artistic critter, I came across this blog. She's holding one of those expanding your artiness online workshop thingies.

For the first time I thought, "I should join in" then I thought maybe I shouldn't. But I did. Its going to be hard. But hopefully it will remind me that it doesn't matter what other people think. I need to be free to be me. I even made a doodle. not that kind, the drawring kind. and I even almost showed it to you. I tried anyway.

Growing. It's never easy.

Cryptic posts decyphered

Did I spell that right? I never can tell.

I got a message the other day from the Cowboy. That's right. That one. The message said that he had an undeniable urge to see me. That he couldn't explain it but that it would do his soul good to see me.

I agreed. I can't ignore something like that. it would be ignoring the very loud voice of the universe. Sometimes the messages are garbled up in the daily grind. This time, it couldn't be more clear.

I can't say that it didn't throw me for a loop. He broke my heart and I still miss him sometimes. We had good times. But I didn't want to go through again what I went through with T. I'm not an idiot. It hurt. I would be lying though if I didn't admit that I've been looking for a similar connection in every guy I've dated since. Only, you know, with someone who wanted to be with me.

Even though I said we could still be friends, I didn't try very hard and it didn't take long for us to fade out of each others lives.

Fast forward a bit and I sent him a  facebook friend request. he accepted. There have been a couple of times that I have wondered if that was a wise decision, especially between the moment I hit send and it took a bit for him to respond and the point in which I got a response. We didn't really communicate so it was ok. It was nice to see little glimpses of his successes. I've been so proud of him for what he has accomplished. then he sent me the message.

So we met. and had a drink. Well, I had a soda. I didn't need the added difficulty of alcohol. I didn't know how the meeting would go, but it was good. we caught up. we talked about our dogs. We talked about our houses. About our businesses. maybe we might have dinner or catch a movie sometime.

It's good to know I have my friend again.

More cryptic posts

I have been holding something (ok, many things) back today and its been really really hard and I will consider talking about it when I know what is going on.

Just know that the universe is stirring my cauldron and well, I hope to have a clue as to why tomorrow evening. We all know I stir my own cauldron just fine. I get things all spinny and frothy and worked up, and then I remind myself that I really prefer calm waters and to knock it off because whatever it is is all in my head. And then I am fine until I get a little dehydrated again.

The moral of the story is to drink plenty of water, kids.

Just know that right now, for myself, I am praying for wisdom and poise. And that is the best I can do with it. This time, it really is the Universe doing weird things and I have to go along with it because when the universe talks, its better to listen.

In other news I am starving. And if someone doesn't feed me a slab of meat or a sausage or a meatball soon I might chew my arm off. I don't know why. I had breakfast. I had lunch. At least I am not craving whoopie pies. Or cupcakes. Nope, its the savory I want.

Send cheeseburgers. With bacon. protein style. I don't want to be bothered with bread right now. Actually, just send a cow. I will gnaw on it's leg or something.

I drew you a picture. I was proud of it. but I'm afraid you won't be able to see it until blogger lets me upload PDF files. Or until I can save it at home. There's no solid fix for my computer in sight...

Later... (like 5 minutes later)

I just took the pencil out of my hair because it was in so tight my scalp has a dent in it. Right obove my dent is what feels like a pencil induced curl. These things only happen at work. I might have to have Debby or Bratty look at the back of my head so I know how funny looking it is.

If I am craving meat like I am craving meat that means that the next step MAY be monsterous ugly migraine because I haven't been eating enough protein. Shit.

Lentils, lentils, everywhere

D used to tease me that if he cut off my arm, rolled tacos would fall out. Or Potstickers. Or...

Truth is, that in addition to being a disorderly eater, I am also a binge eater. Yes. I over eat, but that isn't actually what I mean.

I mean that I find something I like and then I eat very little else until I don't want to eat that any more.

Which is why I no longer buy frozen pretzles. Except sometimes when I am at the grocery and I happen to remember that I really like the cheese filled bite sized ones. Yum.

Lucky for the size of my butt, I don't really remember very often that I like those when I am at the grocery store. Actually, I had forgotten all about them until I said "frozen pretzles" right up there about 5 seconds ago. For you. I am not that fast of a typist. It was 30 seconds ago for me.

Over the last couple of months since I decided to make a bigger effort to eat healthier and in a more orderly fashion (I think I just heard the girl scout cookies six inches from my left hand snort in a derisive manner) I have been cooiking a lot of soup.

I'm not much of a soup eater, normally, but I do seem to like the soup I make. I know how to make two. Butternut Squash and Lentil. I end up with a lot of leftovers. You can't cook just one or two servings of soup. There are cups and cups of soup. And a serving is like 1/2 a cup. Or 1 cup. It's just me. My freezer tends to be full of soup.

Luckily, chicken and rice, fish and rice, and um, that's all the else I cook, also freeze up nicely and I can generally have a couple of weeks worth of lunches from one or two dinners. You would be amazed at how many lunches I can create out of one chicken breast. In addition to the dinner.

This week I realized that I am tired of lentil soup. I think I still have several more lunches out of it and I JUST bought more lentils the other night. They are cheap and filling. It's a good thing they last awhile in the cabinet. I wish right now that they didn't get so hot in the microwave. ow.

I really need to branch out my cooking.

If I were you, who would be me?

I've been spending a little too much time catching up on the antics of Ree and family over at The Pioneer Woman.

It's so easy to get lost in her conversational writing. To gasp in awe at her gorgeous photos. To think that in her shoes, I too might have a handsome husband with two green eyed girls and two blue eyed boys. She makes me want to take off on horseback across the prairie and chase down a cow. She makes me wish I had followed the old roommate's advice and adopted that basset hound instead of holding out for Chango. I am inspired to cook and to dip my toes in the pond and to homeschool my kids.

Except I don't have any. Ponds, kids, handsome husbands in cowboy hats.

How easy it is to get wrapped up in someone else's life and to wish you had what they have.

Until you remember that out there somewhere, there might be someone who wishes they had yours.

Sometimes, I miss country life even though I couldn't wait to leave it behind when I lived there.  As an adult, I can better understand why my parents would want to live that far away from everything and now that someone came along and invented the internet, I can imagine myself living a little further out than I do now. But that is for the future. In the past, I wanted to live closer to my friends and a mall.

In the now, I really do have it made in the shade. I have a lovely little house. And the sweetest dog. I haven't poisoned myself with my cooking in awhile. I have a great support system of friends and I wouldn't trade my family for anything. Things aren't perfect. Not by a long shot. But they are good.

So while it is tempting to want what Ree has, and it's fun to peek into her world, I think I'll stick with my own life. I'm sure hers isn't perfect either, it just looks that way because, well, she's enough of a lady not to air the dirty laundry. And gosh, haven't I learned that lesson the hard way. Talking about the drama might make for some interesting reading, but it always bites me in the butt.

It feels good to want what I've got. To aspire for more, but to love my life while I'm at it. The truth is, that life on a ranch is HARD. You can read between the lines and see that. I can remember Lee's stories and know the truth of it. Up before dawn. Cow drool. Reality. Nope, I like what I've got. Target around the corner and a skate rink nearby. The occasional sight of a handsome man in chaps. Yeah, I'd say I've got it pretty damn good.

I do think I want her cookbooks though. They got great reviews from Hellohahanarf who didn't cook before but is cooking up a storm now. Works for me!

goodbye old friend

it seems lately, that I say goodbye to a lot of people here.

I was watching Glee and suddenly I missed Donny. Probably because I will never see him again. Donny was sunshine in every choir class period. Donny was always singing. Always hugging. Always smiling. Of course, that was almost 20 years ago.

I don't know what happened in his life to make him start taking soma. Hell, I don't really even know what it is other than a pill. but I know that the other night, Donny didn't wake up. Donny accidentally silenced himself forever.

You offered up some fantastic a capella harmonies. It was an honor singing with you.

A very little bliss list

It isn't that I have not experienced bliss this week. I have. I spent time with my derby wife. I went to the movies. I shared hot chocolate with a sick friend.

But there was one shining moment this week where everything fell away and my heart sang.

At the end of yesterday, I was a bit cranky. Its been a tough and demanding couple of weeks at work and while I have tried REALLY hard to maintain a good attitude, there have been moments when I have shut my mouth and headed into the breakroom for another cup of coffee.

Yesterday, I went to open my car door, thinking about what I needed to do last night and how I was going to get my good attitudes back when a tiny snowflake landed right before my eyes. Suddenly the world was better. My crankiness melted  away as quickly as that little star.

I was 30 before I saw my first snowflake. In my late 20s before I saw snow falling from the sky for the first time. We just don't have that in San Diego. I never knew there were many kinds of snow. From the tiny balls I call Charlie Brown Snow to the chunks of ice crystals that usually blanket my world.

I like the snow. I don't like driving in it, but I like the sound it makes when it falls. I like to wake up to a pristine white landscape. I like the tiny cold kisses it lays on my cheeks.

I love a snowflake. To me they are like a shower of tiny stars sent from the universe. I'll never forget my first one. I always hope to see more. Yesterday, I think I got two before they changed to ice clumps. But one was enough. One was just what I needed and perfect.

I think I forgot to mention why I go this. I'm pretty sure I have mentioned Liv Lane. Each week she posts a list of happy things and invites her readers to do the same and to link from her blog. This exercize has one wonders for me and for my attitude. Liv is a very positive person who is living her dream. She inspires me to make mine come true too.

My new favorite game

You might be able to call it a dream since someday, it will come true. Sort of.

It's called, "If I had a personal assistant". I played it all day yesterday. It evolved a little.

For example I was thinking that instead of a personal assistant I could just have a clone. But then I thought my clone might try and get in on my hot man lovin and since she'd be my replica, well, I don't even want to think about all that so it would be better if I didn't have a personal assistant who was my clone. What if she were nicer? Better? More adventurous?

BUT I could have a robot twin. Robot twins are not interested in honing in on your sexy rumpus.

SO if I had a personal asisstant, (S)he (I'm not sexist. I could totally have a male robot twin.) that personal assistant could have gone to the Apple store yesterday FOR me while I was busy bringing home the bacon.

All that thought and anguish over one run on sentence. But I'm sure I will come up with more tasks for my robot twin.

An answered prayer

I believe, that when we ask for what we want, be it from ourselves or from the universe or from God, however it is that you ask, that we get it. This is why I stopped making wishes. It isn't that I don't believe in them, the trouble is that I wholeheartedly DO. And as such, my wishes have often come true (eventually) but not always how I thought I wanted them to.

One has to be VERY specific with the universe.

So the other night, I tried to form my prayer for my friend in a manner that would help her without hurting anyone. It wasn't easy because while I can ask all day for a cure for her son, I know that it is possible that it's too much to ask for. Her boys are with her for a reason and I believe that it's because she is the best mother they could have.

Don't get me wrong, I still asked for a cure for whatever ails her younger son. That he would wake up one day and be all better from whatever it is that causes him to be disabled.

But if I couldn't have that, I wished for her to have a little bit of a break.

Yesterday she posted on FB that the boys were going to school for the first time in a long time and that she was going back to bed for a little while to catch up on lost sleep from being up all night with her son.

I almost cried. Coincidence? Probably. But I don't care. My prayer was answered. I am grateful.

Counting my blessings instead of sheep

I think we all know that I have had some anxiety lately. We also know, after all these years, that i go through these phases and come out on the other side where everything is all better. So I'm really just kind of fighting through my issues this time until everything is all better again. And whew, boy, am I ever fortunate to be living my life.

I was inspired to write after reading another FB post from an old friend to whom difficult cards have been dealt. It isn't because she has made bad choices. At all. She just doesn't have it easy. One son is autistic, and the other severely disabled. Of the sort where he needs around the clock care. And still she does it. Her husband is often deployed and her mom, her greatest support and rock (and mother figure to so many of us choir geeks) passed away almost a year ago.

Yet still she carries on. Her faith in God is such that it carries her through.If she ever complains, she doesn't do it in public and that is so admirable. Sure, she talks about what she is going through, but it isn't in a manner in which she asks for anything different, just, "here is how it is right now." I really really admire her for that. for all of it. I think about the teenagers that we were together and am so amazed at the woman she has become.

And so, at this late hour, if I can't go right to sleep, as has been the norm the last few nights, i will think of her. Of her strength, of her faith, and how no matter what life throws at her, she feels blessed every day. And I'll remember, even if its just tonight, to count my blessings.

I really am so, so blessed. Even when I am scrubbing puppy poo off the walls I am blessed. When my knees hurt and the bunny stinks, I am blessed. When the computer craps out and I'm not sure how I will afford a new one and a new car, I am blessed. All those things that stress me out. That wake me up and keep me up at 2 am on a weeknight, they are minor. They will go away.

This too shall pass.

My cup runnith over. So blessings to you too.

I had to dig a little for my bliss this week

It was a tough week over at the Elven Cottage. It seemed like just when I resolved to take care of some business, the wind got knocked out of my sails and business ground to a halt. And my moneybone still hurts. And I could list so many things... But I'm not going to because this is my bliss list, not my whining list. That was yesterday.

1. I just couldn't get enough of the snuggles with my nieces last weekend. I woke up on the couch and Zoe climbed up and sat on me and read a book. I know that was her way of hanging out and snuggling me so I soaked up every second that I could. Maddy's smiles can light up a room.
2. The fashion show, excepting a couple of bumps went well, we made some cash, and the girls had fun. Win. After, I headed over to the wife's for game night and it was loads of hilarious fun.
3. Monday was a day off. Even though I was derailed by the computer's sickness, it was still nice to stay home. Actually, I didn't leave my house for two whole days this weekend.
4. I saw some green in my lawn this morning. Perhaps spring is here?

Meanwhile, I smell KFC mashed potatoes. I think that they are oozing out of my pores. That sounds way grosser in print than it did in my head.

Like a ton of bricks!

I got up Monday morning with the intent of doing my taxes. Turned on my computer. The screen was blue.

Yes, its true. A Mac CAN have a blue screen of death. I have never upgraded the hardware on my computer despite 6 years of use. I upgraded the OS a few months ago but for the most part, the Mac and I, we just kept on trucking.

We go tonight to see if there is anything that can be done to save the data and I have prepared myself mentally for a new system.

Despite many of my friends trying to convince me otherwise, I plan to get another Mac. Yes, I know that a custom built PC or something off the rack would be cheaper, and I really need to save money, but the truth is that I have had PCs. And I never felt the security with them that I experienced with my iMac. I've also been told that I should get a GOOD laptop, but the truth in that is that I like the solidarity of a desktop. And for travel, my netbook is sufficient. In a perfect world, they will be able to revive it tonight. in a slightly less perfect world, they will be able to add more stuff to it. Worse case senario, all new system. Maybe one that doesn't squeek inside? That was always a bit alarming. Like a mouse wheel in my computer. But, it's better than the one that shattered CDs and caught on fire. (PC)

For the computer geeks out there (Randy...) you will be excited to know that I also purchased a back up drive. Maybe too little too late, but at least going forward I will be covered. Since when I do pay for stuff, I don't like to half ass it, I ended up with a 3TB wireless drive. This will allow me to put all my movies on one device and I can put all my DVDs in storage. The Wii can stream them to my TV. Which meant that I had to get better internet. Lucky for me, AT&T Uverse is now available in my neighborhood so I will be cancelling the Cricket modem and going to a "real" wifi option. I'll actually be saving money this way so I'm a bit excited about it.

Why am I telling you all this? Partially because I am prone to the overshare and partially because buying all this stuff is hurting my moneybone and I need to relieve some pressure. But I have to admit, it's kind of exciting to be joining the current decade.

Exploding with happy moments

1) Hanging out with friends last weekend. I hadn't done that in awhile. Actually, a very long while. This weekend, I made a point of it and fun abounded.
2) Ten pounds gone!
3) Dinner and a movie with some good company on Sunday
4) Valentines dinner with my family. They are in town for their yearly trip and while I won't get to see them as much as I would like, I appreciate the moments all the more. Like when both nieces climbed into my lap at the same time. I know that they won't both fit forever. Zoe is afraid of Chango. Chango just wanted to lick her. Can't blame him for that. We all do.
5) When I got home on Tuesday and saw all the posts from all the people who had flowers and candy and steak, I didn't feel jealous or pouty that they recieved these things and I didn't. I felt happy and at peace for what I do have. THAT was an incredible feeling. Ok, I was a little jealous of Wendy's steak.
6) Clean. That's all I have the business of saying. But Clean.

Overall, I had a really, really great week. And when the mopies started creeping in, as mopies sometimes do, I thought about what an amazing week I had and changed the mental subject. It feels so much better (and normal) to be happy. Sure, I had my usual moments of self reflection, but  I maintained an excellent attitude. Ultimately, that's all I can ask of myself.

When did I become so damn critical?

I know that I have always had the tendancy to not only think I am right, but that my way is the way it should be done. It is a struggle, sometimes, not to impress MY way on, well, everyone.

It is a struggle not to give too many explainations when a nod and smile are approprite.

So hard not to pick every little thing apart. No one and nothing is flawless.

I am not flawless.

My eyes have been opened to this quite a bit over the last couple of weeks. And in some cases, by holding on to my convictions about a subject, I have been wrong. Very wrong. People change without announcement.

What matters though is than in addition to people correcting me when I'm wrong-

The family member who is now clean.
The other family member who has made peace with her daughter.

Today my daily note from the Universe said this:
Guidance, attention, help, maybe. Love, always. Criticism, never.
What to give others.

What to give others. Have I been giving these things enough or have I been too busy grimacing at a sour note? Or tuning out the monotone narrative?

In trying to improve myself, have I become less accepting of others? I think in some ways I am accepting, but maybe not in the right ways?

I don't really know. It's a lot of food for thought and since it is coming up from several different sources lately, I can't help but think that it's my next life lesson. It is certainly something I want to be aware of and change about myself.

So now I think I will start asking myself, "What am I giving to others?"

an AH moment

It took me a long time to start to remember all the things that I need to know in order to do my job. I'mnot going to lie. I still struggle.

But today as I looked something up I realized how many things I don't have to stop and think about anymore, and how often I don't have to ask Bratty where things are. And it felt good. Finally.

Finding happy

Last week, I enjoyed posting my happy moments that all week long I kept looking for the things I could add to my list this week.

I had a really great week.

1. A custom order referred by a person who is a celebrity in my mind that is causing me to expand my business (maybe) in a different direction. At least its giving me the opportunity to try something new without having to dive in head first. I needed that. Plus, she thought of ME! ME! Oh my goodness! ME!! I am so honored.

2. This Which takes something offensive and makes it REALLY funny. I laughed so hard I cried. I needed that. Do not click the link if you are offended by foul language.

3. I have a date for Valentines Day. With my Seester and that, my friends, is perfect.

4. Speaking of my Seester, she called me the other day and we chatted for a bit and it was loverly.

In which your happiness brings me happiness

Bratty Duke earned a free pair of shoes thorough her favorite shoe website's shoe referral program.

Bratty loves shoes.

Sadly, shoes can be an expensive habit and she is a responsible individual who knows that her chilren have to eat before she can have new shoes. I'm taking lessons from her.

So, when she got notification that she earned a free pair of shoes, there was a lot of squealing and giggling from the other side of the cube. You know, 3 feet away. Her happiness made me smile. And laugh. Because her joy brings me joy. It's perpetual like that.

It also made me want to go buy some shoes so she could earn more shoes but I'm afraid that is not a wise course of action. I already have an unacceptable shoe pile where I used to see carpet and more shoes is not going to fix that. Plus, there's something going on with my bank account and I shouldn't spend money until I can access my account which I am currently locked out of because they did some sort of conversion and I thought they would TEXT me my new password not have the computer call me (phone was in the other room) and I couldn't start over. I think I need more coffee.

Holy Crap, I got lucky

Yanno that birth control pill recall?

I take those pills.

I thought it was odd when the pharmacist gave me a different pill this month. He said it was the same thing just different packaging. But something in my head tickeld every time I looked at them. Something's screwey, thought I.

yup.

Thank goodness, I don't have to add a kid to my list of stressors, THAT would really put me over the edge.

A Little Bliss List for you

y'all know I love me some Liv Lane. If I haven't told you before that I love her, I'm telling you now. She... Inspires me to be better in so many ways.

Every Friday, she has a linky party for people who want to share their bliss. As you know, I am trying to be more joyful and the first Friday I was able to participate in her comments. Last week, I was having trouble finding my happy place. This week I am doing better. So here it is, my blissful moments from this week:

1. After practice Denny's on Monday. Last week, I was invited by a couple of new derby folks to join them at Denny's after practice. I gave an excuse and went home. The trouble is, I do that a lot and it was VERY KIND of them to invite me. I don't get invited out very often. This week, I invited myself along and spent a couple of hours getting to know some new people.

2. Debby's socks. Debby works in the cube next to us and she is absolutely special. In a non condescending way. Somehow we started talking about socks and how it's fun to wear goofy ones. I showed her mine, (black with a yellow band at the top and yellow heels and toes) so she showed me her's.Same socks only in blue. I loved her a little more that day.

3. I got to see my Mom. Just for a little while, but every moment is precious and refreshing and wonderful. So did I also get to see my Aunts and Uncles and well, time with my family refreshes me like nothing else.

A day in the life...

Today was overall, a pretty good day. There were even some genuinely happy moments and I don't think I was tempted to strangle anyone. This is a win. PLUS, I had dinner with my mom and family to look forward to.

and then...

I was asked to run a report at 4:30 so it would be as fresh as possible for an important meeting tomorrow. No problem! it took me 2 hours because I had to keep fixing mistakes that would have been fixed a couple of days ago had I had time to remember they were there.

I was supposed to be at dinner at 6 in Carson, 30 minutes away.

Thankfully I didn't think I would have time to skate after dinner so I wasn't disappointed by that, until I got to the rink on time for practice but I didn't have any workout clothes. (had to drop off presale tickets for the event I'm planning) Still, a night off essentially, right?

Got home. was hit with "the smell". I have cleaned up worse in the last 3 years. I really just wanted to sit on the couch for a little while though.

Now, I am ready to bathe, and to bathe the dog since this time, he laid in it and its all up in his paws. But first let me turn off all the lights so we can go strait to bed and OH SHIT I forgot to close the blinds when I got home. Crawl, crawl, don't let the neighbors see my butt. YES. I do mean that I am READY TO BATHE.

Dog... Won't come in. So I lunged out after him and happened to notice...

My gate is swinging wide open. I'm wearing nothing but my Icetoner slippers, the dog is running away, I can't leave him in the yard all night (If I want to sleep) and fuck, it's cold out there.

Tomorrow will be better, right?

Postal Fun!

Have I mentioned yet that I like to send and recieve awesome stuff in the mail? Like cards and cookies and well, maybe not cookies. They get stale. Unless they are correctly packaged. Mmm. Cookies. I told myself I could make myself a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies when I had lost 10 pounds. I almost did it this weekend anyway.

Regardless, I have never lost my childlike facination with getting stuff in the mail.

Which is why I signed up over at Cheeseblarg to share the joy in her Valentines exchange. Because it's fun.

If you also like to get mail, go sign up for the Bubbly Creations mailing list. There's fun stuff arriving all the time. Not in an obnoxious way, of course. the list is kept in my house under lock and key (I lock my doors) and no one gets to see it but me. And the dog. But he can't read or open the mail box.

gina.bubblycreations@gmail.com

I tried, I really, really tried

perhaps, like Chickie said, I was aiming too high. To post something joyful every day. I'm not going to lie, it was easy at first. Fresh off the high of family time, job was going good. volcano was disappearing.

then reality came back. I'm still on my eating plan (mostly) and I'm still exercising (I'm over 4000 lunges and squats) I'm still looking for the joy every day and still trying to avoid spreading any negativity. The volcano is back, dormant, painful.

There have been moments when I have wanted to crawl under my desk. Or strangle someone through the computer. I've threatened to take a personal day. I've gone outside just to feel the snow on my face because that was the only thing I believed would pull me back into some semblance of happy right at that moment.

I'm just trying to find my balance, that's all. And hopefully, it won't get any uglier. I mean, I know it's going to get more stressful. I just hope that I can handle it better than I have in the past.

Everything is going to be okay.

Does this happen to you?

Where you smell something and suddenly you have a craving?

I'm pretty sure what I was smelling was coffee but now I really really want...

A tuna melt.

Gee thanks. and Eew.

pearl update:

I managed to squish all the stuff out of the pearl - which wasn't a pearl after all, and update Chickie on all the gory details because, well, she's into that sort of thing. Was all excited that maybe it was gone for good...

And it grew back. And this time it HURTS! Which means I may have to go to the Dr to have it removed after all (I had an offer of help from not-a-Dr but I declined)

I'm beginning to feel like Quasimodo. Bratty put the thought in my head that perhaps it is infected and that's why it hurts... Great. One more thing to be a hypochondriac over. Not only have I developed a third boobie on my back, but it's infected.

I'll be under my desk if anyone needs me.

Alright. I missed a day.

Not going to beat myself up over it. Plus, yesterday, I was being cranky and didn't have a whole lot of nice to say. I still don't, so I am focusing on happier things.

Like...

How good it feels to share my recipe for Butternut Squash Soup with my coworker who is trying to get healthier too. She is SO excited about it and I just can't have any better than that.

Random attacks from the dyslexia monster

I looked in my medicine cabinet this morning and was momentarily confused. I didn't recognize the brand name on my ibuprophin. Where in the world did I buy the bran pu & pu?

Then I looked again and thought about it for a second. Up & Up. I was reading it upside down.

The bottle wasn't upside down, but apparently my brain was.

The Refs recalled that point. There was a flag on the play

Apparently, the email about me reaching my fundraising goals was sent in error. I'm still a loser. But at least I'm a giggling one.

when happy just oozes out

Part of the reason that I decided to become more focused on bringing joy into my world was because I got into a discussion on my website hosting community that turned very negative. I had posted what I thought was a constructive sugestion for us all, and it turned into something far nastier. So I started laying low in the forums and decided to pin/buy/or complement via direct message the people who were appealing to me instead of suggesting openly that we all think twice about what we put in our stores.

Additionally, I have been trying to avoid getting involved with any conversations focusing on negative things and reading the happy things. Jokes, kudos, little stories. Today I popped into a converstaion labelled something to the effect of "If you need a shoulder to lean on" and the outpouring of support for eachother that I found therein was uplifting.

Drama might be exciting. It might get your adrenellin going. But it feels so much better to feel the love.

GOOOOOOAAAAALLLL!!!

I just got an email that said that I have reached my fundraising goal for the March Of Dimes. I had forgotten I was fundraising. Since I vaguely remember something about blogging it here, then I would like to say, THANK YOU! for helping the healthy baby cause.

Another great day! With a side of frustration

But we won't talk about me getting frustrated because it was about work and I don't talk about that here. Public forum and all. Actually, I don't talk about work ANYWHERE on the internet unless it's a happy thought because, well, I do like my job most of the time and I would like to keep it.

So happy news for the day? I lost three pounds since last weigh in. That may not seem like much, but down is so much better than up. Sure, I've cheated a bit on the new eating plan, but for the most part
I've been staying on the healthy side of the food pyramid and I am definitely not binging and starving. Not that I can anymore, but hey, my attitude is MUCH better. Most days.  My lunge goal? Going good.

In pearly news, eew. I am rethinking the whole "have the Dr remove it" part of the story because, well, its gone down considerably since the last time I saw her (eew) and I get the bill today for the bloodwork I had done. It's over $300. One more reason its a good thing there isn't actually anything wrong with me that a healthy diet and some exercise won't fix. Gross though it is (and it is) allowing it to "take care of itself" is free...  Medical attention is REALLY expensive.

It's working

Before I decided to return to my core needs and start focusing on being a happier person, I started planning a new "marketing campaign" with Bubbly Creations that allowed me to interract with my customers in a way that was fun and new. And different from what other people have been doing. So I went through my records and grabbed the people who have made purchases or who I thought might be interested in the fun and started mailing stuff.

Firstly, you must know that I love to mail stuff. Partially because I like the process af addressing and weighing and sending. I also love to get stuff in the mail. Not bills, but letters and packages. Even though I am not a big card sender, I like to get them. OK, I like to send the cards, I just don't like to pay for them. I have started making them. That's one of those give and take things. You have to send the cards to get them. I get it.

So anyhow, last Saturday I sent out my first grouping of goodness.

While I have only heard from one person, I can say that her reaction was so overwhelmingly positive that my heart swelled up and my hair stood on end. I couldn't help but smile for quite awhile after.

That. That right there. THAT is what life is all about.

I am so fortunate

That I get to look up and see the sun set over the Sierras every day. There are days when it takes my breath away

Something to change about myself

I'm oganizing all of the volunteers and non skaters for the bout coming up on the 28th at Roller Kingdom (yeah, I just did that) and started getting frustrated with the people who responded to my call for help with "I'll do whatever you want" or "I'm available for whatever!" because it doesn't help me to fill in the very specific blanks.

Then I realized that I have become so easy going about certain things that I don't tend to have an opinion. So for me, without being obnoxious, "whatever is fine" is no longer an acceptable answer. Because the person asking is asking because they they WANT to have my input and opinion OR they WANT to place me in a spot where I will be happy. And also? sometimes when there are 50 spots to fill, "I can't help you" (not acceptable this time.) is better than "put me wherever".

A sudden realization

I looked around and suddenly I realized that the people I work with? I really sincerely like them. It was a good feeling.

Did I really say a million?

Little did I know how big that number really is. Oh sure, it seems like everyone and their brother is a millionaire these days. Apparently, in dollar value, 1,000,000 just isn't that much. We hear about BILLIONaires every day. Thank goodness I didn't decide to do a billion lunges and squats!

After doing some math, I realized that while 1,000,000 is not unattainable, it would take me so long that I would likely lose focus before then and always regret not having reached my goal. So I revised it to 100,000.

Current count is 280.

My Seester asked how it is that I can stand doing so many at once, but I break it up into groups of 20 so I don't lose track and since my leg muscles are already pretty well developed, it's not too bad. It's actually kind of fun (right now). I do well with goals.

Best part is, with all my fitness goals and better diet, I'm already feeling better and (dare I say?) seeing a bit of a difference. HOORAY!

Something I love

One thing I love about derby is the opportunity to work with the new girls. I don't want to spend all my time with them because then I don't get a workout, but I really enjoy the opportunity to give them suggestions to help them improve. Things that no one told me or that I didn't learn for a really long time. It feels good to help someone else.

First night back and my thighs are killing me!

Monday was my long awaited first night back to derby practice. There was a point where I didn't know if I was going to make it. But I did. And it was a GREAT workout! I might actually make my workout goal for the week! YAY!

Also? I have a new goal. 1,000,000 squats or lunges. you'll get periodic updates on that. Right now? I'm at 60. I better get cracking.

That's Hot

I made the suggestion to go to Carson Hot Springs in order to soak out our hangovers, but thankfully none of us actually drank enough to have one.

We went anyway. It was wonderful spending quality time with my aunt and cousin talking girl talk and avoiding creepers.

New year's day was perfect. Chango and I didn't get home until late, but it was wonderful.

You just can't beat family

At least not mine. So staying up late, playing board games and watching scary movies? Perfect way to spend my new year's eve.

To heck with the diet

I'm not going to pretend that I have been logging every peice of candy, because I haven't, but I have been pretty good about logging everything else, and have been coming in under calorie count most days (I just have to stay away from Del Taco)

But you can bet your buttons that I'm going to eat every sweet treat in the basket Ghandi just dropped off because she and her family made it for me and that is frickin awesome.

Always the little things

I sure do like my coworker. Not Bratty (Well. her too, of course) but the other one. in the cube to my right as I face the sierras. We talk periodically about stuff and well, she's just plain nice. And she makes me smile.

Only a picture can accurately describe

Tuesday's Joy...

The picture may be old but the face is still the same. I sure did miss him.

Set to Jet

I really need to find a balance between how long I am gone and how long I can stand to be gone because although I was enjoying myself, by Monday, I was ready to go home. I still had a whole nother day.

My last day in SD tends to be jam packed with visiting all the people I hadn't gotten to yet and trying to see the things that I love to see. People and things. Then a rush to the airport.

This time, when my mom asked what I wanted to do and who I wanted to see, I was a little more difficult about it. Sure, there were people I wanted to see, but mostly, I just wanted to relax.

We settled on Lunch and the Spanish Village, an area at Balboa Park where artists can rent studio space and sell thier wares. It's always a neat place to go to see what other people have made and sometimes, if they are feeling chatty, to talk to them about the creation process. It's one ofmy favorite things to do in San Diego and I am glad we chose it. We also had time to walk around the park a bit. San Diego is stunning this time of year. It was warm and full of flowers.

Since it is cold where I live, I forget that you can go outside there in the middle of winter without freezing so I didn't spend as much time outside as I probably should have.

Either way, I wandered about with a silly grin on my face and enjoyed the quality time with my mom. You just can't beat that.

Remember how I'm not that into kids?

Christmas day yawned quiet and empty for me. We did our celebrating in the days before (Pie had to work on Christmas) and by the time the 25th rolled around, everyone had gone their seperate ways and my mom and I were left to our devices.

She had plans to go to her Boyfriend's house for presents with his family. I knew I could tag along, but also knew that I would be a bit uncomfortable. I don't know any of them well and thought that I might be smarter to go somewhere where I would be comfortable.

I chose to go experience Christmas morning with two of my favorite children. These are two kids on the previouse list. They belong to K&J and are, like my biological neices, the product of two of the people I love most in this world. When I asked if I could join them, J said to bring my Joy. I couldn't help but smile, Saturday's post hadn't published yet.

I'm so glad I went. Those two girls are fantastic, and the adult company was great too. There was, as always, a great deal of laughter and I got to spend some time with their dads too; both of whom have been in my life for a very long time. It was nice seeing them.

Although I was missed at the Bf's house, I think I made the right choice with where I spent my morning. I will be smiling about that for a while to come.

In a candy and booze filled coma

Thankfully it takes a heckofalot more alchohol than I consumed on Friday night (this was when we had our Christmas Dinner) to cause hangovers, but between the candy and the booze and the good food (I only had ONE PLATE!!) All the good I did early in the week was deleted by all the overindulgence of the weekend.

Mind you, I did take a run on Friday morning, which mentally felt GREAT, but I paid for in soreness and muscle fatigue for three days. I had to keep laughing at myself every time my muscles would give out. I looked drunk and walked drunk, but after Friday's indulgence, did not have anything else to drink. Except water. I even forgot to drink my rootbeer, a Sprechers I picked up during Thanksgiving.

I don't get why it's so easy to fall out of shape. Boy do I have my work cut out for me!

But Saturday, Saturday was lovely. The designated time with my family exchanging carefully chosen gifts is my favorite part of the holiday. Seeing my neices play with the things I gave them made me happy, and it was fun to see what everyone chose for everyone else.

Stockings, in our family, are a group affair. Each of us brings a few things to add so that the financial burden doesn't rest on one person. Then, everyone gets a variety of goodies and lots of surprises. There were two hits this year. Well, three, but Starbux cards are kind of cheating, everyone loves those. Firstly, Brother presented his monitary gifts in oragami form. And there isn't one of us that wants to unfold them. And then... the mini tiaras.

I have a great love for tiaras anyway. They are sparkly and they sit on your head. I have a small collection of them. They get loaned out and occasionally worn for special occations like birthdays, Halloween, and New Years. I might make it a goal to get pictures of all my friends wearing one; including the menfolk. I can think of two I have already. Hmmm.

Meanwhile, there were tiaras in the stockings. And we wore them all day. When Seester left to go to her in-laws, she made it quite clear- I was to show up that evening wearing mine.

And I did. When I got there, she was wearing hers. Maddy was wearing one (that didn't last long) and when her cousin and brother in law showed up, they donned one too. It was silly, it was harmless, it was fun. It was (excepting the food which is ALWAYS fantastic) the highlight of my evening (well that and educating the gathering regaring El Caganer)

It's funny how a small plastic item can be so much fun.

You want to do something NOW???

The "pearl". for two years it's been sitting there all bump like and not really doing anything. Today, when I was getting dressed for work, I noticed that there is something going on back there. No time to check it out, now I get to worry about it all day. The Doctor warned me that it might um, er, take care of itself (gag) but DUDE! I have an appointment to have it removed in just a couple of weeks! What if it um, well, (gag) while I am at work???

All I know is that I am NOT going to google sebacious cysts because I KNOW it's going to be super gross and if there is anything I hate, it's being super gross. Seriously. I have a phobia.

And now back to your regularly scheduled nicey nice.

I know it's kind of cheating a lot to schedule my posts. (this one is not scheduled) but rather than ramble for pages and pages and then offer up NOTHING for months, I thought I would post when I need to and then if there is already something going on that day, just schedule it for the next day. I'm a little ahead of myself, I know. but at least I am writing again. And pretty much every day, you just don't know about it until later. Except right now. This needed to be shared.

I am not a fan of kids

We know this. Excepting the little ones who belong to people I already adore, I don't generally have use for children. Especially the ones under 5. I think, there might be 10 (under 8,) kids total, in the whole wide word who I will go out of my way to see. the older ones are easier because they talk to you. Sometimes a little too much, but they also don't have diapers.

My BFF and her Hubby. The Loan Shark Prodigy. My nieces.

So when I returned from last minute shopping with Pie and her BF, to two little munchkins, I couldn't help but smile. And give them each a squeeze. And when the little one plopped down on the floor and asked for tickles in her way, well, I knew that that feeling right there, is what life is all about.

That doesn't mean that I didn't hand her RIGHT over to her dad when her diaper was full. that's my right as an Aunt. to avoid diaper duty forever.

Happy Landings

I was standing in line at McDonalds (eew) getting food before my flight when I noticed a couple of people in Santa hats. i must admit, I got a little snarky in my head because I am not a Santa hat wearing kind of person unless it's a special, short, occasion. like passing out gifts or the Santa Crawl. My first thought was that I needed to send a text bitching about it, and my second thought was that there was nothing positive about that sort of behavior. That really, I was being an asshole.

Fast forward a couple of hours and I have landed. As I exited the terminal towards the baggage claim area, I noticed a small group of people all in Santa and elf hats waiting for someone. Seeing them there made me smile. And I thought that it was a little sad that they weren't my family because that's the sort of crazy I love.I'm sure they have no idea what I was grinning at.

Complete turn around from my earlier thinking? Yes. But I can accept that. I was being crankypants and I can be thankful for two things.

I didn't spread the bad attitude.
I found joy in an unexpected place

Another Joyful day

It's not that I have trouble finding things that make me smile, it's that I seem to have collected a lot of negative influence over the last year or so. I caught myself yesterday.

You see, the blogosphere is full of all sorts of people. And some of them are HILARIOUS!! Sometimes they are hilarious because they live a funny life, and sometimes they are funny because they make fun of other stuff. I can't help it. I read a lot of those. I'm not going to stop. Because it makes me smile and well, there's no harm in it as long as I don't follow too much in their footsteps.

There are other blogs that are funny or interesting because they talk about day to day frustrations. I found one of those recently. I started reading the whole thing from beginning to end (which, having done that a couple of times recently is actually a daunting task!!). As I read, I didn't just start feeling thankful for my relatively quiet and drama free existance (relatively.), I started thinking about all the crap that does sometimes rain around here and I felt my attitude slipping.

I felt myself becoming more negative in thought by reading other people's negative thoughts.

Being that I'm all "bring on the joyfullness" these last couple of days, I noticed what was happening and closed the blog. I don't think I will return. I know that those people needed to get that stuff off their chest just as I sometimes need to get things off MY chest. But I can't read it if it's going to bring me down. I just can't. I've been feeling the happy the last couple of days. Like I SHOULD be feeling as opposed to how I have been feeling.

Baby steps.

What made me joyful today? Recently, my coworker was officially given a promotion. While she is now over me in a supervisory manner, I have always looked to her for direction and assistance so it isn't much of a change for me. And her attitude towards me hasn't changed. She directs me the way I like to be directed and I really like that. I already feel like I am a better worker since she took over and I am happier in my job. Last night she talked to our manager about her raise, and whatever it will be, it made her happy and excited. And that makes me smile. I like knowing that she will get paid what she deserves and that she will be able to breathe just a little easier and provide that much better for her little family.

I've been grinning like an idiot over it all day. It's always fun to find true, heartfelt joy in other people's success.

I am a dreamer

There's no time like the present to be more joyful, and what better day than Christmas to post my first bit of joy?

Last night, after deciding that I was going to commit to posting joyful things (don't worry, there will still be rants!) I went to bed. And I, of course, had a dream.

In my dream, I found something that made me happy. So happy that I knew that I had started right away on my joyful journey. So happy that I woke up with a smile on my face. It was somthing I had forgotten about in my grumpy attitudes, and I was so thrilled, in my dream to rediscover it.

I sure do wish I could remember what it was.

The Results are In

The good (GREAT) news is that I am healthy. My liver, kidneys, pancreas, and thyroid are fine. No sign of disease in any including Diabetes. Thank goodness. The only thing they found was that I have elevated cholesterol (on the high side of normal) but given my fairly high protein diet, I am not surprised about this. I have already switched to low fat milk (yes, i am a whole milk girl!) and will likely downgrade to nonfat soon. I already eat more chicken than beef and will try to replace some chicken with fish, something I have been doing lately anyway. I've already cut back on my cheese intake, but will try to cut back further and I will be adding oatmeal back to my diet and practice starts up again in two weeks.

The not so good news is that the above mentioned great diagnosis does not explain my moodiness and mood swings. Or the absent mindedness which, my seester says has everything to do with being medically blonde. And it means that in addition to practice, I am going to have to have to add more exercise in. I hate the gym but I dislike gaining weight even more.

I'm not complaining, it was good to get that worry (lingering for many years) off my mind. I am greatful for my health. Now that I know I am healthy in body, I can start working on my mind.

I think I've gotten away from what I consider to be my purpose in life which is to Bring Joy. Perhaps it is because my own joy seems to be elusive of late. I'm sure that I lost one for lack of the  other. I'm not sure. I do know that when I am joyful, it is catching, so I will be looking for mine again and likely posting it here so I don't lose it again.

Do you think I can do it? Do you think that I can achieve what so many other happy bloggers have done? Can I blog 365 days of joy? Is it cheating if I prepost? I'm already ahead of myself here.

The right place

I've been bitching a lot lately about my bad attitude and how I just want to feel normal again.

This weekend I feel like I started getting back on track.

I did some volunteer work, I spent some time with a friend who I have felt, for awhile, that I could take less for granted. I performed a wedding ceremony and while I don't party like the wedding party parties, I was still glad I went. It was wonderful sharing the bride and groom's special night. It was a busy weekend but in the end, I still got a few chores done and felt good about the way things went.

The only thing that I didn't get to do? Well, I know the chances of that were slim and thankfully, I was ok with it. No hose beast, just a shrug and a snuggle with my dog.

This weekend, I think I was right where I was "supposed" to be. It was a good feeling.

Apprehension

Of course, by the time you read this, I will have an aswer, but I still need to get it out...

I'm afraid of my results from Saturday.

Part of me wants there to be an answer indicating that there is a problem. That will explain why I have so much trouble with my weight whether I exercize or not. Read: I still gain if I exercize. I lost a good 10 or 20 pounds and it came right back even though my activity level and eating habits didn't change. In fact, my activity level went up.  I still gain if I drop calories. In fact, dieting makes me crazy. Not in the cheeky "dying for a donut" way, in the psycho hose beast kind of way that I know isn't me.

The other part wants to hear that I am normal and that I need to eat more salad and exercize more and I will be fine. I don't really want to take a pill for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to check the box that says "thyroid issues" when I fill out medical information. I don't want to have a pre-existing condition. I'm pretty sure that this is just vanity talking. Goodness knows, I have plenty of it.

Either way, I miss feeling normal and I haven't really felt normal in a long time. Less so lately. I blame some of that on not having skated or done any "real" exercize in the last couple of months. I'm falling apart. my neck and shoulders are so tight I pulled a rib out last weekend sleeping (alone) and another one out last night reaching for a nearly empty box of borax. I haven't really slept well since last week because it hurts to move. I'm a side sleeper and can't sleep on either side after last night. I'm pretty sure I sounded like a buzz saw since sleeping on my back makes me snore.  I've had a headache for three days. Ibuprophin doesn't touch it. Yes, I have seen my chiropractor. I'm thinking of seeing him again today. Tension, my friends, is a terrible thing. I don't really know where it's coming from. I mean, I have some idea, but I don't know if it's accurate. It could be the lurking hose beast.

She's always around the corner. She can be tamed with food. protein and carbs. I've learned to be afraid of her. Enough that I got up before 7 to avoid a meetup because I knew that if I fasted too long, she would appear. Last night, food didn't help. Maybe I ate too early. Maybe I didn't eat the right things. Maybe it's not a food issue at all.

Maybe I just need to get myself past the holiday season and get my life back in order.

More Shameless Bubbly Creations Promotion

I try not to market here on the old personal blog because, well, if you wanted to know what the business was up to you'd head on over to the Bubbly Creations Blog or you'd like BC on Facebook (search bubblycreationssoap).  But I figured that you might not know that there is fun stuff going on over at the blog and on FB so I'd better tell you. Unless I already did in which case, I'm getting old and am that lady who tells the same story over and over.

In all seriousness, I'm doing some pretty fun (so thinks I) shit through the mail and if you would like to get in on it, I would recommend getting on my mail list by shooting your information to gina.bubblycreations.com. If I already have your address from Secret Crafters or you are in my family,

While I'm at the promotion game, I talk a bit more about derby and post more pictures of our bouts on Grace N Motion's FB page if you want to go like that one too. I'll really start talking it up once we are practicing again!

Disorderly eating part 4

Don't get me wrong, I know I could try harder. But I also know that I have come a really long way from the kid who ate 1 meal a day to a woman who makes sure that she has plenty to food to eat throughout the day.

I can no longer skip meals. I used to periodically turn evil, now I turn evil and then into an emotional, paranoid mess. Thankfully, I am rational enough to question whether what I am feeling is reasonable or if, perhaps, I need to eat something. This is all very recent, the emotional rollercoaster, I'm still learning to deal with it. Believe me, no one needs to see me spontaneously crying in costco while I decide whether I should have a hot dog now or wait and eat something "real" when I get home. (Neither. I had Qdoba. Way too much food but so, so, tasty. And better for me than a hot dog. I even skipped the cookie)

I try to add more veggies to my diet. I try to portion my meals instead of eating everything in sight like a ravenous dog not certain where her next meal will come from. I no longer have donut emergencies. Actually, since I don't have ready access to a snack machine, I don't crave sweets like I used to. I do have trouble if it's on my desk or in the break room. I still want to eat what I see. I try to eat nuts or craisins for a snack if I get hungry; that is what is in my "snack" drawer now instead of donuts.

I'm not sure if my bad childhood eating habits brought me to this place of crazy or if it is genetic, but there is a thyroid test in my future which is your past because I am preposting. I'm sure I'll let you know what the outcome is. I can't starve myself (I can barely go one a gentle diet without getting all spacey at the end of the week), and I shouldn't have to exercize constantly (reasonably, yes) to maintain a healthy body weight.

It's possible that my bloodwork will come back normal and that I do indeed have to exercise constantly and cive up cookies completely. Part of me hopes not. The other part doesn't really want to be on meds for the rest of my life.

By the time you read this, I may even have answers.

Disorderly Eating Part 3

Moving, this time, turned out to be much better for my eating habits. I started developing better ones. There was an abundance of top ramen and if we could afford them. cup o noodles. We ate a lot of chicken. I started learning how to cook since my mom was often gone at work or school.

Suddenly, I had resonsibilities, and at 15, I wasn't going to fall behind. I learned to pack myself a lunch most days, or, I could use baby sitting money to buy. Sadly, I have a sweet tooth and would binge on donuts and such. earning an admonition from my cohorts that eating like that would make me fat.

I didn't think so though. At least, I thought, I was eating. Still skipping breakfast, but eating lunch and dinner. A lot of dinner. I was a growing teen. by 15 I was done growing up, but not done growing out. But the time I graduated, I had gained 40 pounds but was still pretty small.

Americorps brought regular breakfast, lunch, and a diner that usually consisted of rice and gravy if we were on base. I started getting concerned about my weight so I tried to offset with salad, but the way I liked it. With plenty of cottage cheese and thousand island dressing. I fasted on the full moon like I thought a good little witch should.

Until I nearly passed out on the job one day. After that, I didn't skip days of eating, just meals.

Since then, I have been fighting the food monster. I either binge or starve (until recently. more on that later) Sometimes I am able to keep myself on a healthy diet. I don't binge on sweets like I used to. (there was a time when I would have what I called "donut emergencies" where I absolutely had to have a packet of donut gems RIGHT NOW. I would buy several at a time and keep them at my desk) I've been chunky, I've been close to the weight I was when I graduated. It always comes back. Even when I am good about not eating sweets. It comes back. Even when I exercize, skating 4 or more hours a week, it all came back.

Tales of disorderly eating part 2

You would think that by realizing that there was something wrong with my eating habits that I would change them, but remember, kids are lazy.

And then we moved. No more friends (at all, really) with free lunches. If my new friend or two noticed that I didn't eat, nothing was said. I'm sure I was simply the weird new girl who never had lunch. Among other things. I didn't fit in well in my new school.

Somehow I got through Jr High without starving to death. I ate heartily at home and learned all about Grandma's Double Chocolate Cookies which were only 75 cents. I could generally find that on my parents dresser without them noticing. I was young and skinny. I thought I would always be young and skinny. I still think I should be!

Freshman year, I was adopted by my sister's friend Cong who, when he discovered that I didn't eat lunch, took it upon homself to make sure I ate lunch every day. Cong became my  "brother" and my protector, making sure none of the other boys could get near me to ask me out on a date. I gained 25 pounds in the first few months of 9th grade (was still all bones and boobs) and eventually rallied against kind Cong's overprotective ways. I have often wondered what happened to him. I hope he is well and happy. Seester might know.

Then we moved again.

Tales of disorderly eating pt 1

I'm sure I have mentioned over the past (many) years that I am convinced that I have an eating disorder. I think much of it stems from the fact that I never really learned to eat properly.

I'm not talking about my need to completely overstuff my mouth every time I eat pasta, although I have to admit that this is definately an eating disorder. I thought it was in my head until my Seeseter mentioned one adult day that I can't seem to eat pasta without overstuffing my mouth with it.

The way it began, I believe, was with pure laziness. I remember being a wee monster and being fed wonderful things like egg burrios and cereal and the not so wonderful concoction known as Spinach, Eggs, and Cheese which looked a lot like green eggs and cheese and tasted rather gross. I still hate canned spinach. FRESH spinach, eggs, and cheese, however, brings me great glee now that I am an adult. As a kid I probably would not eat it. I was picky. There were no hot dogs in there.

As I grew, so did the responsibility over myself grow. I'm not sure when I stopped being fed breakfast, but I do recall walking to school munching on a carrot. Or maybe a banana (this was pre banana allergy). I didn't really like bananas all that much so I was far more likely to be eating a carrot. This evolved into me skipping breakfast all together once I learned how to jump out of bed at the last possible moment. I blamed my parents, of course. There was never anything to eat in our house. (read, children are lazy)

Sometime as I was developing my non breakfast eating habits, my mom stopped making me lunch. I think I was 9. That year, I lived on peanut butter or peanut butter and butter sandwiches. Sometimes I would snag money out of the change jar over the washing machine. Sometimes I would borrow from the office. But mostly, it was peanut butter on white. Why, you ask, didn't I have jelly? I still hate when the jelly soaks through the bread liks a sandwich bruise. and for pete's sake, I was NINE. I hadn't learned that you can put peanut butter on both sides of the bread and then the jelly doesn't soak thorugh.

It didn't take very long before I was skipping lunch too. (Remember. Children are lazy) By 6th grade, my friends who got free lunch would sometimes give it to me while they spent their allowances on cookies and such. I can recall one dinner conversation whereas my parents went around the table asking what we all had for lunch. When it came around to me, my reply was, "a dorito". They either didn't realize that I meant one chip, not one bag, or (as I thought) they didn't care. I think that was the moment when I realized that there was something wrong with the picture.

Wii Lied to me

Ok, it didn't, I just like the title.

I'm not sure if I mentioned that after 3 years of waiting, I finally got myself a Wii. With the Fit. Because I was totally going to play that shit. More than Mario cart. (this is true so far) then, more than Kirby's Epic Yarn (also true. They were about even for awhile) then, ok, I never lied to myself. I didn't think I would Wii Fit more than I play Cake Mania.

I think I have more games for the Wii than I ever did for my original Nintendo. If not I am close. Same with the N64 (which is still in my garage. I had Mario Cart for that too. When they come out with Wii Rampage, I shall never be seen again)

I never actually shopped for games for my first consoles, I would save up and buy them or borrow them from my friends who seemed to have video games coming out of thier ears. With the N64, my boyfriend at the time would choose them. Which is why I have Golf and Goldeneye. I don't play those, I much prefer the silly games. I laughed for MINUTES the first time my Rampage character ate one of my opponents. Little nakid people running around everywhere... All that laughing got me eaten. Damnit.

Meanwhile, I was working... um, on the Best Buy website because they are having sales and finding ALL sorts of fun games that will eat my time in a totally relaxing non productive way. If you know me at all, you know that I think I have to be productive ALL THE TIME. Which is not atually healthy.

But, if I can pretend I am being unproductive but I'm actually DOING something, well, that's a good thing, right? Like how skating feels like playing but I am really exercizing. And the Wii Fit Hula Hooping thing makes me feel like (a complete dork) I'm goofing off but boy, it works my abs. Until they hurt so much that I switch the work to my knees. Kinda defeats the purpose but I'm still moving, right? I didn't give up, right?

The awesome thing about the Wii is that I can exercize and feel like I am playing all at the same time, which is why I kind of want Gold's Gym Dance Workout (it has music I like. For example, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun instead of Katy Perry crap. Nothing against KP, I just don't like her music. Which is fine. She can totally be popular without my vote) and also Dance Like You're on Broadway!! (Time Warp anyone?) and Jeopardy, which will exercize my BRAIN. and OH MY GOODNESS... JUST TAP?? Will it teach me to tap dance? I already have the shoes! (which I cannot wear in my house because my tile floors are REALLY slippery) I tried to learn by way of YouTube but that guy's beginner video was really hard. I'm old. My feet don't do that yet and SLOW DOWN YOU BASTARD! Fuckin YouTube.

So of course I had to look closer at it. It's not about Tap Dancing at all! You put your controller in a box and bang on the box and see what happens. Totally lame. No wonder it's only 5 bux.

I got my hopes up for nothing.

But I'm not, I promise! Am I?

I probably would have brushed it off if he had been the first to say it. But he wasn't.

I could own up to it without a problem when Patty asked if I had some sort of issue with her last spring. No, that, I could see. I was under a lot of stress and for awhile expressed my frustration in a very negative manner. I turned into a complete bitch. That was my wake up call, last spring, to shape up because it's one thing to feel bitchy, but a whole other to be mean. Patty hadn't done anything. I told her that, and apologized.

Then, a couple of months ago, after I reconnected with an old friend and neighbor, it kind of happened again. He posted something melancholy on FB and I responded. I said I was sorry to hear he was going through that thing. And I was. I've been through the thing he mentioned. More times than I can count. More times than you know. He responded that he was expecting something sarcastic and mean. This from someone I hadn't seen in at least ten years. What kind of impression did I give at the wedding? What did I say? What did I post to FB that said that I am cold and callous? I know I wasn't always nice back then, but what 14 year old is nice to the younger boy next door? Not that he deserved it, but that I had hoped I had grown out of that. We're both adults now.

Brother lost his phone last weekend. And I admit, my response to his FB post about it could easily be taken the wrong way. He didn't know if I was being sarcastic or kind. I was being kind. I really did think it was sad that he lost his phone, he was very excited about it. He waited a long time to get it. It wasn't really lost, it turns out, but stolen. Even worse.

And then the text. The one that said that I'm not always nice. The one that I could brush off as kidding if it didn't ring true.

I didn't set out to be a mean girl. Jack said that it isn't that I am mean, but that I don't always think about how things will affect other people... But that doesn't sound like the person I want to be either. I'd like to know when I changed or if I have always been this way. It is not who I want to be.

It's  obviously time for an attitude adjustment.

I catch myself at work a lot. Bratty laughs at me because when I catch myself I declare that I'm not going to bitch for "x" amount of time. But truly, I just want to break the cycle of complaining. it brings down morale. Mine and Her's. That's also not who I want to be.

I need to rediscover the me that I like. If only I could figure out when I lost her.

A project that brings back memories

In the heady days after I moved to Reno almost 4 1/2 years ago, I might have talked a little too much about the goings on at work. I don't think I said anything inappropriate that couldn't be found posted freely on craigslist, but I tried not to talk bad about my new employer then, or I'm pretty sure even now.

I avoid talking crap about them because I live in a small area and I don't need to be making enemies of important people. Or any people.

I was just given a project that will make the new hire experience in my department easier and happier and I was reminded of my first day of work in that establishment.

I posted about it here. I noticed that I didn't mention the leaky sewer pipe over my desk, and I'll tell you now, it was a lot worse than I described, but I wanted to maintain a good attitude and show them that I am the rockstar I pretend to be.

Since then, I have paid attention to how new hires are brought into a company. I think most companies probably fall short when bringing on new people because there is so much going on in every day activity that it is easy for the details to fall through the cracks. The last one? well, it was a new building and we had some growing to do, but I think I had a handle on my stuff by the time I left. I don't know if they are continuing with the stuff I did, but at least I know that for awhile, each new associate recieved their safety tools and locker combo during orientation along with a welcome note and some candy. Little things that make you feel welcome and loved.

I'm excited to have the opportunity to help develop something similar here.

Anything you do can and will be difficult

My brain is full of brilliant ideas. BRILLIANT IDEAS.

Most of the time. When I decide to try to bring these brilliant ideas into fruition, I call it scheming. Sometimes, the scheming goes somewhere (hello soap business), sometimes it hits a wall, (ahem. secret crafters) and sometimes it never gets beyond the planning stages because when I am scheming, I like to figure out all the logistics and everything because I am a freak like that.

So, for our meeting next week I got it into my head that instead of plain old boring place cards, I would do little gifty packages whith everyone's name on them.

I ordered all the supplies and started my scheming.

The boss lady decided she wanted place cards after everything had already arrived.

Whatever. Gifties for everyone. Looking like something I saw on Pinterest when I could still see it at work. Awesomness.

Except the wrapping. I thought, GEE it sure would be easiest if I could just slip everything in a little glassine bag.

I need 30.

Glassine envelopes come in packs of 1000. Do you know how much shipping is on a box that big? way too much for a little project AND I wouldn't get them in time. ARG! I've checked many stores in town, you know, like Smart and Final wihich ought to have such things. They have sundae holders. And hot dog holders. But no little bags. You know, the kind you get a cookie in. only a little bit smaller.

I haven't checked the craft stores. I haven't checked Costco OR the restaurant supply store. I'm running out of time. The meeting is next week.

Sigh. This was supposed to be an easy project.

Rambling

I read a lot of blogs. Well, not as many as I used to before I discovered Amazon.com and the wonderous wish list where I could post things I want but don't really need or have the room for just for the sake of "having" them. It's like shopping without spending money and if I happen to need to add something to my cart so I get free shipping, then I have a place to go.

gasp

I read a lot of blogs. Lately, its been all about http://www.rimarama.com/ because she's awesome on the internet and funny and I am learning a lot about Lithuanian culture and if there's anything I love, it's learning about culture. And laughing at other people's parenting since I don't have any spawn of my own. Plus, she has a recipe for CHEESE.

For some reason, it's taking forever to read her whole blog, which is the idea since she's funny. And I can't help but think of all the times people I know have come to me with the dread words, "I found your blog!" (oh my goodness, did I talk crap about you in a fit of manic rant??) which are sometimes followed up by "And I read the whole thing!!" (Oh my goodness, you have seen me in my underwear)

Which is one of the reasons I don't talk crap (very much) anymore and I don't participate in HNT. Well, that and I ran out of angles for my feet AND I tend to forget about it.

Well, I try not to talk crap. But the only person who has promised not to read is my mom, and she's awfully funny from 500 miles away... And in the same room.

One of the things that I see a lot when reading about other people's lives is not only are other people's lives really funny, but many of those funny people are either shopping for or have a book deal.

I often wonder if that is why they write. So they can have a book. And if so good for them. If I got offered a book deal, I'd totally think about it, but the risk of pissing off a lot of people with all the things I don't talk about here haunts me and well, if I DO talk about it here, you can read it for free so why would you buy my book?

No, I write here for the sake of writing here and amusing myself. And you, but mostly me. I have to get this crap out of my head, and sometimes I think Bratty might get tired of the sound of my voice. In about 5 minutes I'm going to turn around and tell her all about the things I just wrote... I don't think she bothers to come here anymore. Yanno, since she pretty much lives with me.

This is getting rediculous

I don't know how it is for you, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated with this whole need-a-password-for-everything thing.

I used to keep the same password for everything. It made it really easy to remember. I would just change numbers when I needed to change it. Then I added another one. And another one. So now I have three different passwords. Which is fine, I know it's one of the three.

But then, the numbers in one place don't change at the same pace as the others. it might be 1, it might be 15. Did I capitalize? Is there a space? Is there a special character? I don't know! So I change it and further lose track of what I changed it to.

I need people to stop trying to steal identities because this password thing? Gonna drive me mad. I'd write them down but they are supposed to be SECRET passwords. So I DO write them down and then stick them in random hidey places only to be found after I have changed the password because I forgot that I wrote it down OR I hid it so well I can't find it.

Not a good way to hold on to the few threads of sanity I have left.

Honestly? I just want to get online, pick out a Primary Care Physician so I can get my thyroid (and my pearl*) checked out to see if maybe I'm not just mentally but hormonally imbalanced and THEN, if I am, maybe I can fix it and I won't be so absent minded anymore. AND maybe not gain weight whether I over eat or not.

*I developed a lump on my back. It was a zit or something that healed over and never went away. It's firm but doesn't grow. neither is it discolored in any way. My girly dr said it looks like a fatty deposit but "that's not her area of expertease so I should probably go get a second opinion" She didn't even want to look at it (she referred me to my PCP but I didn't have one then either. Come on, I go to the Dr once a year.) but I was insistant that she make me feel better. Since it doesn't do anything but look like a bump, I can generally ignore it. I decided that I got some sand or something stuck under my skin and someday when the Dr removes it they will find a lovely pearl. Which is WAY better than the other thing I think which is that they will a) remove it with a melon baller leaving a giant cratery scar on my otherwise blemishless back. (snort) b) It will be icky in there and someone will have to help me clean it out while it heals as I have heard does happen and I don't really have anyone nearby that I feel like I can go to for that stuff. There's a couple of people who would likely do it if I asked, but that's a super personal thing that I just can't ask of anyone. "Hi! Will you help me irrigate my pearl hole? I can't reach it since it's right in that spot that only Gumby can get to. Here's a turkey baster and some H2O2"

Allright. I think my password has been reset (again). Since I have my control journal with me today, I think I'll just go ahead and jot it down this time. In a made up language so no one can access my medical files and steal my identity. Including myself in all likelyhood...

Whooo Arrrre Yoooou?

I had a blog post all ready to go in my head complete with graphics and a title. But then I got distracted by something shiney, which was actually work and not shiney at all and completely forgot what I was going to post about. Since I hate to waste a good graphic and title, I thought I would post them anyway. So here you go. If I remember what I had to say later, I'll just edit.

Adventures in the hometown

It's nice to be back from my holiday in San Diego. It amazes me that it really doesn't much feel like home any more. I'll always love the city, it will always be my hometown. But I'm no longer up to date on the current locations of all the Starbucks in the city. A few highlights:

• I announced to my mother that I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (Bratty and I have been having fun with the song) She responded that she is NOT getting me a damn hippopotamus for Christmas. Plus, I would have to hire someone to take care of it. Today, Bratty and I decided that someone needs to genetically modify POCKET HIPPOS so we can have one. There would be less trampleing risk and the poo would be way smaller. I'm thinking something the size of a Chiwawoodle. (do they make those yet? If not, I just copyrighted the name with my creativity so you have to pay me if you use it.)
• Playing pranks on my mom is fun.
• Actually, hanging out with my mom is fun. She says the darndest things.
• LOTS of quality family time especially with Seester and the Nieces. The Nieces are funny, but I have to say, that Mini Me is damned hilarious. And she knows it. You never saw a 14 month old (huh?) pull off deadpan humor like that kid.
• I never get to see the everyone I want to see, but this time I got closer than I usually do
• These trips are expensive.
• I apparently am able to poke my Seester with my eyeballs.
• There was a lot of laughter and good times. I was and am overflowing with gratitude.

I must REALLY love him

There are a few things that I didn't consider when I first picked up Chango and he lay his little black head on my shoulder.
Firstly, I didn't know I could want a dog as much as I wanted him. It was love at first snuggle and I can't imagine a better match. He keeps me in line. Maybe it's the Border Collie? and like any good collie, he keeps me out of trouble. Like how he tells me it's time for bed or that I've forgotten that I'm cooking dinner and its about to burn.
He's a really good boy.
But, I didn't consider kennel costs. If I did, I just didn't think there would be this many weddings, holidays, baptisms, or VERY IMPORTANT birthdays.  Or how often I'm not at home. Or how I might date someone who prefers his house over mine. (Chango gets to visit sometimes too and I'm sure said date would be happy to go to my house, but his is neater and tends to smell a lot less like bunny).
I also didn't consider that he might have a sensitive belly.

Sensitive belly means that he often gets the P&Ps. The poop and pukes. And it often happens that I'm not at home so it's all over himand his kennel when I get home. Then there was the night I had a very realistic dream that someone squeezed a mustard bottle and immedietly woke up knowing, the sound didn't come from my dream.

Poor boy. He always looks so unhappy, but he sure likes to eat chicken and rice for a few days until I put him back on food. And of course, the expensive stuff bothers him the least...

We have a routine though.

1) I come home, take a deep breath, and say, "oh no" (Hi Baby! (Phew!) I know, thank goodness I made it home AGAIN! Lets go take care of your brother)
2) Into the laundry room I go...
3) "Hi bug. I know. you're a good boy. you didn't do it on purpose" during which I open his kennel and we run through the house (thank goodness for tile flooring because it's always on his paws) and out the kitchen door

Now, time before last that this happened, he shook himself all over the kitchen. twice. Now I am smart enough to hold his scruff until he is out the door.

4) clean clean, scrub, scrub, bleach.
5) Into the tub he goes.
6) tub clogs (this has happend twice). Dog watches me as I carefully balance myself on the sides of the tub, nakid (no pictures!) and shower the dirty away one half a body at a time. Thank goodness my shower has a handicap bar.

He's on Iams Natural now which is supposed to not have any allergens. Lets hope it works out for him...

They took away Pinterest

At work. You know, because it's a time suck. So, um, you'll likely see a lot more of me inane ramblings. I can only focus on excel for so long...

In other news, I had an incident today. It isnt' really that big of a deal but enough that it tickles my brain and I need to talk about it some more.

Now, I'm one of those loyal shoppers. I pick something and I generally stick with it because it's usually easier than changing it.

I eat the same foods, shop at the same stores, nearly never rearrange my furniture, I generally stick with the same job unless I am REALLY unhappy (and even then) or I get the itch to expand my horizons which, well, that's another story.

The point is that I made an appointment for a teeth cleaning 6 months ago after my last cleaning appointment. I am VERY interested in keeping my teeth. They help me eat cupcakes. And steak. My appointment was Monday. ( I think. it might have been last week.) Come to think of it, my original appointment was on the 9th.

They called and changed it to last week. Then again to today. I choose the latest appointment I can get because I want to go home after my cleanings. What I SHOULD do is go first thing in the morning so I can be all shiney and polished at my coworkers all day. But, habits.

So, they changed it to today which was fine. Then they wanted me to change it to an appointment an hour earlier, which was also fine, I have things to do this afternoon.

Then they wanted to change it to 2 hours earlier than the last earlier time. I told her I have too much work to do to go in at one; the day before a long holiday can be VERY hectic. Can be.

I understand that they want to leave early today. So do I. But if that was the case, they should have planned for it before I set an appointment and cleared it with my manager. The Hygenist didn't want to clean my teeth at 3 pm as originally shecduled so that asked to reschedule me next Monday.

I rescheduled. With a new dentist.

Whether you are a retail chain or a Doctor, there's something called customer service. And quite frankly, I don't have the patience for the bad kind. The truth is, although they are providing me a service, they are there for me, I'm not there for them. I like them, I really do. As people. But I'm thinking that as a dental practice, they are more concerned with going home early than cleaning my teeth. That's ok. I'm just going to switch to a place that is more likely to keep my appointment times.

I almost cried at the grocery store today

I was there buying personal items to donate when I sat something stuck in with the deodorants. It was a business card that had been ripped in half, but put back together and placed at eye level.

Of course, I had to investigate.

What it said was that such and such a casino supports the gay pride parade. And for the moral safety of your children, you should boycott them. Because gay people are evil. every one of them. And they are out there out there to turn your children on to their homosexual ways.

Funny, in all my years of association with gay people, (and there have been many, many years) I have never seen them try to recruit. I have never been propositioned. Sure, I worked with a woman who would stare freely down my shirt, but I have worked with far more men who have done the same. I have never been encouraged (except by strait men) to experiment with women.

It made me sad. With all the talk about acceptance, all the discussions on stopping the bullying, there are people out there spreading hate. Believe what you want, but there is enough hate in the world. There is no need to encourage it.

Flashbacks

I wasn't blogging yet the first time my city was burning. I can't actually remember if I ever talked about it here.

I have to say that the fires today have brought back a lot of memories. I still can't stand the smell of wood burning. The constant watch over the news. Phone trees to see if everyone is ok.

I'm lucky this time, though, that the fires are nowhere near my home or my work (we did close a couple of branches today though) and that most of my friends live on the other side of town like me.

I do have a couple of friends that live in affected areas. Please keep them in your thoughts along with the thousands of others affected by the fires.

There's something wrong down there.

We all know I'm not the neatest person in the world (although, thanks to http://www.flylady.org/ I am TOTALLY getting there! YES! I drank the flavor aide and am a full fledged flybaby! I love it!) and when it comes to my clothing, I care a little less than I should.

That's not true.

What is true is that I have accepted that I can't afford to dress in the manner I would like and I am far too lazy too mend. I have to force myself to get rid of things that are worn or ill fitting (I always wash them first) but I am getting better about that too. I have started throwing out stuff with even the tiniest stains and the other day? I managed to match my socks to my shirt, my underthings to each other, I wore a belt (needs replacing) and my shoes and handbag matched insomuch as they were both black. So was the belt. Progress. Baby steps. Apparently, that's still not good enough, but whatever. My sisters have been trying to affect my wardrobe for years. like, 20 years. Wait. better make that 30. I have never been a fashionista. I do admire them though. And wonder how they afford it...

There's one thing I am insistant about.

One thing that is (almost) always in good repair.

Socks.

They are matched according to wear level and color fade, folded and put away. If they are thin, they go into the trash or the monkey pile. (except the cookie monster socks)

Today I was sitting at my desk when suddenly, something felt a little funny.

You know. Down THERE.

In my shoe. (which also needs to be replaced. I've already plugged one hole in the sole with hot glue)

I took off my shoe and saw to my horror... my big toe. I have errands to run after work. And my big toe is NAKID. Not okay. If I wasn't still at work I'd draw a face on it. Then I would feel better. I'd totally get caught though. Shoe off, toe out, with a sharpie...

My favorite time of the year

I'm sure that I mention every year that Halloween has always been a particular favorite of mine. Like most things, I have calmed my fervor over the years; there are no longer bats hanging from my ceiling year round, and I no longer dream of decorating in a gothic manner, but to me, Halloween is more that a high holiday, more than candy and costumes, it's the start of "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (you know you sang that. I did.)

Halloween marks the beginning of spicy smells, gift giving, food eating, and family time. Cooler weather and crisp mornings. I love crisp mornings, I just don't like to get out of bed to greet them.

On Halloween night, I look forward to watching the movie standards and giving away candy. But it seems to me that somehow, the trick or treat ettiquite has been lost.

Trick or Treating, is for kids. I think I stopped when I was 16. I just didn't feel right going around and asking for candy among the 7 year olds. And the adults gave me and my cleavage a look that said, maybe this should be your last year. Last night, I had adults. And I don't mean adults with kids, I mean 50 and 60 year old women at my house, in costume and not, without children, asking for candy. I try not to be rude, I gave them candy. And when I ran out, the first thing I thought was, I told that 10 year old no because someone's grandmother was here.

Teens, have a costume on. SOMETHING that tells me you're having fun with it. Don't just show up on my doorstep in your hoodie and jeans. It you are too old to dress up, you're too old to trick or treat. Yes. I gave them candy anyway. And when I sent away the 8 year olds at 8pm, I thought of those teens next. Bigger than me, no costume, out begging for candy.

Parents with babies that have no teeth, you aren't fooling anyone. Go home. I know you've been excited to show off your baby and his/her costume. They are SUPER CUTE! but I know they aren't eating that candy. Go buy some like I do.

Unless you have allergies, please don't look at what I just put in your bag. When all I had left were singular starburst that I pulled out of my own stash, I felt bad that I didn't have any more mini candy bars. I didn't have any more candy bars because I gave them to someone's grandma.

I did have one woman who politely told me that her son was allergic to peanuts and I gladly gave them a different piece of candy. They were actually my favorite group of the night. The kid was adorable and had excellent manners, and the adults were clearly having a good time.

After I ran out of candy, I turned off my porch light, unplugged the wreath, and let my dog out of his kennel. Chango doesn't like Halloween because he is protective of me and my house so rather than have him bark at everyone all night, I put him away. If the lights are off, that means that house is not participating. Please don't knock/ring and make me hold the dog while he barks his head off, and tell you that I ran out of candy (because I gave it to a bunch of un-costumed teens). I feel bad, I want to give you candy, but I don't have any left that I am not planning to eat. (I saved one of each of the three types of candy I bought for my own consumption and they were goooood)  I turn off the lights so you know not to come to my house. Thats how it works. If you follow this, then you aren't disturbing the people who don't celebrate Halloween.

Next year, I might have to get mean.