Thursday, February 26, 2009

Mooving right along

Things are going good and I feel as though I am bouncing back nicely.

B and I are talking, not about a future, but trying to be friends. Yes, I am watching with a wary eye, and no, I am not spending any time with him. 

Instead I have jumped back into the internet game where I have found one handsome man who contacted me back in Nov. but I ignored since I was seeing someone. He hasn't responded to my message, but it's nice to know there is someone attractive out there. And another guy who I have exchanged a couple of messages with.

We won't talk about the trucker who invited me for a ride...To his house for a threesome with his wife. (ok. he invited me for a ride. his PROFILE talked about the threesome!) I told him I don't take rides from strangers. 

Then there's the cutie boy at work who suddenly became a lot more interesting when I discovered he can't possibly be 12 as originally thought, and you know, I'm suddenly single. (Is that like Suddenly Seymore?) 

And the new ref who is also very cute.

The girls are stepping up and trying to hook me up with... anyone. It's sweet. I feel loved. 

Puppy butt is... Cute. And a little bit naughty. He got into my yarn yesterday and I KNOW! Pictures...

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Introducing Alcohol; The depressant

I'm really trying. And for the most part, I'm doing an excellent job in keeping a smile on my face. It isn't easy. But I know I will pull through. After all, it's been two days even though we both know that things were sliding rapidly in this direction for about a week. 

Last night, I went with Wifey to a party. Just a small one, really. BF-in Law was suggesting that I make a move on the Hostess's brother, and everything felt back to "normal"-The inlaws trying to set me up with any single man who came along, and me giggling and saying I wasn't opposed to trying. In my mind I was saying, "It's too soon".

I had two drinks. Mike's Hard Lemonade, figuring that I wanted to sleep in my own bed and didn't want to find myself passed out somewhere weird this morning. About 9:30, the weepies threatened. And I wished I had my car so I could go home. And for some reason, my hip was hurting (Still does. Im thinking delayed onset soreness from a fall I took Wednesday Night) I found myself quietly sitting on the couch.

Wifey must know me better than I thought because as soon as she saw me there, she offered to take me home. I accepted and here I am.

I'm still a little mopey. The Roommate has the next door neighbor changing her spark plugs. I am invited to the mechanics party but since I don't really ever talk to Tom, I don't feel right about it. I would rather pay a stranger than take advantage of a neighbor. Plus, I don't feel like driving the 10 blocks or so to the auto parts store. I would have to comb my hair. put some pants on that reach my ankles. leave the house. 

It was nice this morning, as it is most Saturdays, to get up before everyone else and start doing some chores. Chango and I had some quiet time with each other without al the dogs bombarding me for attention. I meant to drive to Mammoth to be with my family today, but that will have to be tomorrow. I'm sure I will feel better tomorrow. 

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Working through the storm

B and I have been texting (who the hell allowed this to be a word? I mean, really? and yet, I use it...)  all evening about the quagmire we find ourselves in. No, this doesn't mean we are trying to fix it, but it has really helped me to discuss what we (ok, mostly me. He's just sorry and regretful) are feeling. We both know that it's not fixable. That the trust is broken.  He contacted me, I wasn't expecting to chat all evening but it's been a good thing excepting the fact that I forgot to eat dinner. Which really isn't that odd, I tend to neglect food when I am upset anyway. And, well, although I know it is not a viable way to go about it, I HAVE been holding steady over at Shrinking Piggies...

Sigh. This crap is never easy... That's life I guess!

Having a broken picker hurts

It’s over between B and I.

It turns out that he was lying about a lot more than just the ex wife living with him. Among other things, he is a pot smoker and anyone who knows me knows that is one of the biggest deal breakers of them all.

But he lied to me. Whatever reasons he gave, it was all a lie. He looked me in the eye and he told me a lie. He said were no more secrets. That he had come clean with everything. Apparently, there was more.

And once again, I feel like a fool. I don’t want to stop trusting people I don’t want to think that every man is lying. I wanted to believe him. And that hurts too.

I ended it over email, which I told myself I wouldn’t do ( I also said I would never pull a fade away because I know how much it sucks) but, as I told Wifey and Seester, I can’t sit across another table drinking coffee and hearing him promise that there are no more lies.

I told him I had no more understanding or forgiveness. I think I have had more than I should have. I told him I didn’t think we should try to be friends. I told him goodbye.

I’ve always hated goodbyes.

I deleted all of his text messages. Put all his remaining emails into a folder to be deleted later. I pulled him out of my contacts. Off my phone, and will be un-friend-ing him on Facebook. I’m not even sure how to do that but I guess I will learn!

But the funny thing is, that the universe brought a boy into my life last week. It takes good care of my feelings, providing comfort when my heart gets broken. I thought he slipped away but our relationship was cemented on Monday. And that one? Is a keeper. Pictures to come.


I wrote this right after the emails went back and forth, goodbye, goodbye. I managed to keep it together all day at work and all the way home. When I opened my facebook page, the first thing I saw was a poke from B, something that we used to joke about, something that between us was more than a friendly gesture. I lost it then. I still haven't found it and deleting him from my friends proved to be more difficult than I ever imagined. Without a doubt, I did the right thing. But it still hurts. I know, the end usually does, and I keep reminding myself of all the cliches. When one door closes, another opens. There's one out there for me. He wasn't the right one. There's plenty more fish in the sea.  I have heard them all. I have comforted myself with them more times than I can count. It still hurts. All day I kept expecting an email or text. That's normal too. I've been there before too. Too many times. You get used to that constant communication. I got used to Louie's all night text fests, I got used to the Cowboy's nightly calls and my weekly visits with him. I was accustomed to T's constant emails, after it was techically over between us (yet I still held onto hope)

I wanted a future with the man I spent my time with over the last six months. Really, the one he presented to me in the first place. He had 3 kids and an ex wife who lived healthy and happy in another house. His kids were well adjusted and he was drug free. He treated me kindly.

He never really stopped treating me kindly. He was just lying the whole time about most of it. That hope was dashed when I got that message on myspace. I knew in my heart that it was likely the beginning of the end but i wanted to try. I wanted to know that I gave it every chance. That I wasn't giving up at the first sign of difficulty. But truly? I also know that the first signs started months ago. The man I was presented was not the truth. Regardless of what he tells me he was never the truth. I have never (that I know of) been lied to like that. Small fibs, I'm sure. Those happen. There were even a couple I knew were lies but I kind of understood so I let it go. This is big stuff. The stuff that came out last week, invaded my every moment, especially on Saturday when every time I looked at him I thought, he lied. I think he knew what I was thinking. There was a tension that wouldn't go away. Maybe he felt that too. 

The evil ex? succeeded in his plot to make trouble. But I cannot blame him. He wouldn't have had any ammo if B had not lied.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

How it turned out

B was an hour late for which I was pissed but slightly more forgiving on account of the flowers he brought. I know. I am a woman though and I can be bribed. I don't deny it. They're pretty.

Dinner was delicious and we worked well in the kitchen together where possible. It's a very small kitchen; really only built for one person at a time. I did my best to stay out of his way. Working well in the kitchen together is a very important point for me. 

Roommate stayed gone until 9 or 9:30 and only chatted at us when she came home, then out of her room to make popcorn, and I think one other time. Sadly, B was not feeling well and had to get home to the kids so he did not stay the night.

On the bright side, I am REALLY enjoying my clean house. And I started my garden today. YAY! AND I am enjoying looking through some old design magazines at ideas for redecorating the office when I take over the larger of the two spare rooms and turn the office into the spare room.

On the nerve wracking side, I think the roommate overheard me telling Wifey about how I refused to go out to her car in my slippers to get her phone for her. Even for a dollar. Two. Two fifty. She thought I needed the money. I already had shoes on (I have SLIPPERS on. White fluffy, fuzzy slippers. My slippers don't go outside. Especially when it is snowing out. It was just as easy for her to go put her shoes on and get her phone as it was for me to do it. It just wasn't worth the money. AND I am tired of doing things for money for her. Like yesterday when I put her clothes away for ten bucks when I was supposed to be cleaning the rest of the house before B came over. These are the things that stress me out. And make me ashamed that I agree to it. I am a whore...) So I'm talking to Wifey on the phone in my office-the door to which does not close all the way because I have shoe organizers full of yarn hanging on it, and I hear a noise. I'm not sure how long she was out there, I didn't hear her bedroom door open, and I really shouldn't care...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentines Day in my house

B is due to come over in about half an hour which means that I need to quit writing and get in the shower- I have been cleaning all day. For about a half an hour, my house did not smell like dogs.

The plan for the night is that he will cook me dinner, something he has not done yet despite his former incarnation s a cook. I will put a fresh clean sheet on the couch and we will snuggle up with a movie, something we have never done on the couch but last week tried in my bed with the portable DVD player. It was interesting, and fun to watch a movie in bed on a 5 inch screen, but I think I prefer to watch on the 48 inch. You know, because it's easier to see. 

My roommate has left to go to dinner with a friend of hers, promising to return no earlier than 8 pm and assuring me that she will go strait to her room and turn the TV up or, if we are in my room, camp out in the living room since the walls here are paper thin and she doesn't want to hear anything. 

We have, two hours to have a romantic and private evening. We still have to pick up the makings for dinner. I'm thinking she will be back in time for us to sit down for dinner. I wonder if she will decide to camp out in the living room or go to her room?

28 days

Update 6:40 pm

B fell asleep with the kids and is running an hour late. I'm eating anything I can find in the house because I am hungry. I am expecting to sit down to dinner at about 10 pm. 

Friday, February 13, 2009

Moving forward, backward.

 Monday was at best, a difficult day. I checked my email first thing to find a message had been sent through the Reno Roller Girls MySpace from the ex-wife’s on again off again boyfriend.

 I knew that there was trouble so I contacted B. Indeed there had been trouble the night before and he begged me not to call him.

 Of course you know that I did. Using very colorful language and doing my best harpy imitation I told him in no uncertain words to leave us alone. That he wouldn’t use me to hurt B.

 B was kept apprised of the situation and begged me not to contact him again. I promised. And I will hold to it.

 I knew that the trouble was not over, however and I was right, as a few minutes later a text came over the line. According to the poisonous prose, B and his ex were still living together and sleeping together.

 Once again, I checked in. And didn’t hear back for a long time.

 It’s true, apparently, that she is living there and has been for about a week, which explains why he was suddenly able to spend more time with me. It’s not so much that she is living there that hurts me, but that he didn’t tell me.

 I also learned that she has lived there most of the time over the last 6 months or so that we have been seeing/talking to each other. And all the little holes in the stories suddenly filled in. So, apparently, has the ex boyfriend. Both of them, staying in his house, allowing him to support them since neither of them tend to have a job. B allowing it since he won’t turn out the mother of his children.

 I met with him last night before practice to talk about things. He assured me that the stories would all be true henceforth. I told him I would need to think. That I don’t know what the right course of action is. 

 Part of me says to walk (RUN!!!) away. It says I should have done so long ago. It calls me a fool and an idiot for knowing things didn’t add up and believing him anyway.

 Part of me says that I can’t let the bad guy win even though the good guy wasn’t truthful.

 But I get hung up there. It’s not the bad guys fault B wasn’t truthful. And while I don’t want him to succeed in making him miserable and “ruining his life” I’m also not sure that I can have a relationship with someone who deliberately deceived me. In my head, that makes him a bad guy too. I told him in the beginning, before we even met in person, not to lie to me. And it has happened more than once. I thought we had gotten past that. It makes me wonder what else he has lied about and suddenly, I feel Dirty, Sullied. A fool, once again, despite his assurances that all of the untruths have been uncovered.

 Regardless, I know that the drama is not over. Ex Boyfriend is threatening a restraining order against me as he says I threatened him. I think that part is funny since he’s all of 6’2” which means I come up to oh, his belly button or so. And, I’m pretty damn sure I didn’t. But, you know, I was busy screaming like a harpy, which was actually kind of fun. B and the Ex wife are supposedly getting one against him. I have held up my end of the bargain and not responded to any of this.

 Apparently, I am also a psycho bitch which give me no end to the giggles.

I don’t generally do drama. I don’t need it or want it. But I tend to invite it somehow.

 B and I are trying to work it out. I am aware that I will constantly wonder what is true and what isn't, and that spells doom. But the thought of ending it made me feel REALLY sad. I'm still in "we'll see" mode.

In other news, Last week or so, an old coworker contacted me. I was a bit surprised because we had never been close. We chatted a few times and talked about making a custom soap basket for his fiancĂ©e, but that’s about it.

 I responded, of course, to his email, I don’t have a problem with him. Let him know the basics on what I have been up to with Reno and Derby and all that.

Monday night I got a message from him that disturbed me greatly.

 Apparently, I and my assets have been a subject of his fantasy life for years. I didn’t mind the part of the message that said he had a crush on me, goodness knows; I develop a new work crush every week. But when he asked if he could ask some personal/naughty questions, I yelled in terror and ran away from my computer. I finally responded, that I was not comfortable answering such questions from anyone but my boyfriend who would appreciate knowing there was a distinction. He apologized and I have not heard from him again. 

 How do I attract this?


Sunday, February 08, 2009

facebook faux pas

as this has become my day of laziness, I was uploading all sorts of pictures to facebook.

In my travels through the histories of my pictures, I came across one from a friends wedding where we were dancing and I was looking especially great in my not-appropriate-for-a-jewish-wedding dress.

Upload, tag, post, forget.

She commented. I had hesitated only a moment before posting, and she pointed out the things that made me hesitate. The reasons why I should never have posted that picture.

It was 180 pounds ago for her. And she left that man in a rather painful ending to that marriage.

I deleted the picture and send her a note apologizing. But truthfully? I should never have posted it in the first place. 

I hope she forgives me.

How old are we again?

I'm not entirely certain how to properly relay the following story, so you will have to pardon me if it does not flow.

Last night, we had our first bout of the 2009 season. Weeks of planning, working lunches, meetings and errands culminated in one evening of roller derby madness. I even got sent to the penalty chair, 'Ole Dirty, for beating up my wife. I think it needs a good sanding, I had splinters in my butt. 

A few of the skaters from the other team in town showed up to watch. This is not unusual as we have been trying to foster a better relationship with them. We respect them as skaters and derby sisters and our skaters will occasionally attend their bouts in a show of support. It is an understood fact among those of us who have been skating with the Reno Roller Girls for any amount of time that they have a different philosophy on skating and therefor the oft suggested merger would not work out well. We don't want to be them, they don't want to be us. 

This time was a little different though. We have caught on tape, in the past, the sound of them bashing our style and skill. Last night, they actually approached one of our skaters and suggested that they come in and coach us. She was flattered and brought it to my attention, a bit on the excited side that they would want to help us. 

The sad thing is, they weren't looking to help. The offer was a condescending attempt at insult. I am not a member of the coaching staff and do not get involved with coaching matters, so I told her that she was welcome to bring the offer to the table at a league meeting. I knew it wouldn't go over well, but didn't think that the middle of the bout was a good time to bring up past injury and hurt, especially when we have been working so hard at mending the tears that occurred before and during my tenure with RRG. 

Fast forward to the after party, and the two skaters from the other team showed up and cornered one of our skaters in the bathroom. They insulted her, telling her she wasn't good enough to skate banked track, that she should stick with flat, that she was a crappy skater. That they have been trying to recruit her and blah blah blah...(I'm guessng that the blah blah blah was somethingt o the effect of she would get better with them, but it was a noisy bar and I have sucked down my SoCo and Seven like it was mana from heaven) My girl is one who has been working very hard in the year that I have known her to control her temper and I am very proud of her that she didn't try to fight them. She told them that her heart is with RRG and that she has no desire to switch teams. 

So they went and cornered another girl. And another. Threw drinks. Got punched. And kicked out of the bar. This was the point at which I returned, having left with Wifey to get some Jack in the Box since it was right next door and I hadn't eaten much that day. I saw them getting into their truck and overheard them saying something about how we were staged or something. We learned about the drama after we got back in the bar. 

Amazingly enough, they returned later and started more crap. And the glorious Mz V took them both on. I pulled her off and took her back into the bar; she has a kid at home and doesn't need to go to jail or deal with an assault charge. She was pretty fired up. The two skaters? I only got a good look at one of them. Of the two, one had a familiar name, but I don't know who is who. She is notorious though for having a little too much say in who gets to skate with her team. Rumor has it she will push you out if you are a better skater than she, although, she is, apparently pretty damn good. She is known for just this sort of drama.

What I don't get is why. Why would you come to someone's party and talk shit? Why would you come back knowing you are outnumbered? What is the point of insulting a group of people who really don't have any interest in you at all? I know some people just need drama. But this was just silly. I told Wifey she needs to call the president of their team and talk to her. Because, this is not what derby is supposed to be about. Friendly rivalry? Sure. But this was out and out insult. At our bout and after party. They PAID to get in and do this. (they don't get into our bouts for free as would any other team because the rink owner won't allow it. There is bad blood there. In return, we pay to get into their bouts) They deliberately undermined the goodwill that we have been trying to foster over the last 6 months. That sort of behavior can get you kicked out of my league.

I don't get it. I hope I never do. 

Wifey was finding out who the president of the the other league is so that she can discuss with her the behavior of those skaters, and  it turned out, that WAS the president. Wow. Not what I would want in a leader.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

I grew some


That's all.


I had an experience last night I don't think I have ever had before. 

B and I were heading out to dinner and stopped by the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for him. He walked up to the counter. I was wandering in the vicinity; that's what I do when shopping, I can't help it. I heard the pharmacist ask, "Oh, is this for (insert the ex wife's name here)?"

And I felt strange and awkward. He told her it was for him, but I still felt a little dirty and out of place. 

They knew him there, he's been going for several years, and it's only natural that they would assume he was picking up something for her. It's not likely that he has told him he is divorced. It's very likely he still picks stuff up for her because he's nice like that. 

But it still made me feel a little funny. I walked up and stood close. Human reaction; "He's not her's anymore, he's mine. I imagine in their eyes though, I was the interloper. They may even think him a cheater. I know it doesn't matter what they think, if they thought anything at all (um, this is a small town. Everyone thinks something, trust me.)

I was glad to get out of there. Bound to happen, I know, I'm sure it won't be the last time. But that doesn't mean I liked it. 

Passive Aggressive Theater

I am currently trying to make sure that in the history of stubborness, mine is legendary. LEGENDARY, I tell you.

Each day, I grow more and more frustrated with my living situation. You know, the one I said I wasn't allowed to bitch about anymore. I can't help it. Especially knowing that her departure date is now sometime between March and April. 

How did two months stretch into nearly four? Hw is it that I have not said anything? 

I have learned that I can be bought. Not only did I put myself in this situation for the love of money (really, it was so I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck because I don't have any cushion, but as long as we are being dramatic...) But I have stayed in it because of that sweet golden carrot. 

One more month? sure, I can suck it up. Except that the assumption is that she can take her time getting out as long as I am paid for my time. And I have not corrected her. 

I need to. NEED TO REALLY BAD. I no longer want to be at my house. The smell of dogs hits my nose as soon as I walk in. It isn't because the place isn't vacuumed all the time, it's because there are TOO MANY animals in this house. Words I never thought I would say now exit my mouth every day. 

Friday night, I got home and the house was empty. For the first time in months, it felt like my house. And I knew I needed, for my own sanity, to tell her it's time to go. The first part of March. I need my space back. 

Have I done so? Nope. Instead, I do little things to try to annoy her. The turtles need more water because the tank is too loud? I'll get to it eventually. Dining table is a little too piled with my paperwork? I will get to that eventually too. Same with the dead flowers on the table. Eventually. 

She asked me to clean up a bit the other day. Eh. It looks fine.

This is not the way to handle things, I know. And I need to be a grown up. But I don't feel like it right now. It's so much easier to just be messy...

Tuesday, February 03, 2009


I have been diagnosed with a broken picker.

While that sounds like a fancy way to say that my finger is broke, know that the diagnosis didn’t come from a doctor, but from my supervisor who, after 8 months of hearing stories about them men that I do and have dated, decided that I just don’t know how to pick good ones. My picker is broken.

Following hot on the tails to this announcement, Tony, a coworker who has been nicknamed “The Angry Mustache” by another coworker, announced that he could tell me where to go pick up good men. According to his daughters, construction sites, apparently, NOT bookstores are the best places to find good guys. After all, only geeks hang out in bookstores.

Never mind that I have a boyfriend and although he has his issues, he treats me well and we enjoy each other’s company. I have my issues too. But should it so happen that it doesn’t work out between us, I’ll be sure to head to my nearest construction site to strut myself and maybe catch myself a good man who doesn’t spend time in bookstores.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Worth every ache

The other night, B came over for a visit. We decided to hop in my car and see where the night took us. (we rarely spend time at home since the only quiet places are the bedroom and the office. Well, and the bathroom but who wants to hang out in there?) We stopped for dinner and then got on the freeway.

B mentioned casually that he really wanted to go to the batting cages sometime but that he didn’t know where they were.

It just so happened, that I got lost one day and found them. So I showed him where they are. (It’s a really cool spot, cages, food, beer…) And we decided to hit a few. Or, I should say, he hit many, and I swung a lot. Mostly, though, I just watched.

I don’t think I have ever seen him ooze that much joy. His face? Was lit up. He looked 10 years younger in that batting helmet. (Not that he looks old by any means) It had just been too long since he indulged in a good batting session.

We’ll be going there again. I would gladly learn to actually hit the balls, and I want to encourage him to do the things he loves. I’ve been trying to get him back on his skateboard but he says he’s too old. I say, at 34, there’s no such thing. That’s what pads are for. I’m even willing to go to the skate park with him. I can skate there too. And yes, B, I will wear bootie shorts and fishnets. It’s good practice for me to get off the rink and play on the ramps. It’s something we can do together. And it’s good for his soul to do the things he loves.

I think it’ll stop making him feel so old…