Friday, January 29, 2010

Wishy Washy

today I am ok with the idea of continuing to get to know a boy. not biblically.

I'm probably being an asshole about it. In an hour, I might be back to wanting to hole up with my critters and knit. But for the right now, I don't see how it can hurt to hang out with new people regardless of gender.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


Operation "get over it" seems to be failing miserably. I am considering a total abort not because there aren't nice guys out there, I have been spending time with one, but because this doesn't seem to be the best way to go about things when I just don't seem to be that interested. Maybe it's the person. Maybe it's me. Either way, I don't want to do to anyone what the Cowboy did to me; be in limbo-with-possibility and then one day, after many, many months say, despite our good times and easy conversations, despite my attraction, I'm not into you.

Although I stayed, knowing full well the situation I was in and that it might not turn out the way I wanted, he also waited 8 months to end it. He had to have known all along. I think he tried for all the wrong resons.

I don't want to do that to anyone. It hurt a lot. It still does, just not every day like it did before. I would rather be alone and to pretend to be into someone for any reason.

And soon. There has been no progression beyond a quick hug at my car at the end of a date, which is great(!) because I don't want to jump into anything. I think that lesson finally soaked in. (I hope) But I have a feeling that in another date or two, he's gonna start maybe looking for kisses. and I just don't want to go there.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Simpler times

I miss the simpler times. When "dating" was easy.

When if you liked a boy and he liked you, you sat next to each other on the carpet during story time and that made him your boyfriend. There was no pressure from your friends to hook up, there was no first date anxiety or worry that he might kiss you because kissing was gross. There was no waiting by the phone to see if he would call because he didn't call. You weren't allowed to call anyone but Grandma or maybe the kid next door to come out and play.

And there was no "Let's just be friends" or "Sorry, I'm not into you" conversations because chances were, you'd forget each other existed over the summer or you'd be in different classes the next year.

And, no one asked, ever, why you are still single. Date #2 asked me that via text the other day. I told him it's because I haven't found a man who can put up with my snoring and super long toe nails. He asked how long and how loud...

I realize that this isn't a way to create a lasting relationship, and for goodness sake, it doesn't really work that way for adults, but I really do miss the simplicity of the concept.

Anyone want to bet on how long it takes me to get tired of dating this time? I'm thinking, not very long.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Record? I really can't remember

Three dates in three days with three different men. YIPES!

I don't want to do that every week.

I've already mentioned date 1. Date two was nice. He's fun. Date 3, maybe there will be a second date, we shall see. He leaves Monday for Vegas on business for 3 months so to me, well, that's a long time. Oh wait, tomorrow is Monday. I don't do long distance.

No, that's not right. Date 1 was on Tuesday. but it still might be a record. I don't think I need to break it.

Now, where did I leave that knitting pattern? I want to finish those slippers.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

shaking my head

I really need to quit posting when I am angry or upset or hurting.

or all of the above.

I hyperextended my hands at practice (again. it's been a few years...) tonight. yay.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Dove in.

I went on a date this evening.

Fear prevents me from writing more since I am so easily found.

But I dove in. And the water was warm.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


I was catching up on the news on Friday morning when an article caught my eye. It was something about adults with ADHD and how it affects their lives. Even since I took my first internet "DO you have ADD" test, I have recognized the symptoms in myself. When my counselor, so many years ago, asked me if I thought I had it (after talking to me for about 10 seconds...) I told her that the internet says I do, but that I am hesitant to self diagnose.

Many of the symptoms are there though and have been. Reading through my childhood report cards is enough to show a classic case during a time when children were rarely diagnosed with the condition (as opposed to now when they are diagnosed all the time!) "Gina has trouble focusing" "Gina daydreams a lot" "Gina would be a great student if she would stay on task" Even now I have moments when I am focused and moments when I just let myself do things in the order that they happen. I walked into the living room yesterday to discover that I had gotten distracted from my task of winding the vacuum cord. It sat half finished in the middle of the floor.

This is not the point however. The article talked about some of the psychological issues that accompany the syndrome. Feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, occasional depression.

Just when I was asking myself, "Dude! When did I get to be so damn needy??" there was an answer. I'm not saying that it IS the answer, I'm saying that now, when I'm feeling low or I'm getting all nutty because I haven't heard from my wife in a day (oh my goodness! is she mad at me? what did I do?), I can ask myself if I'm being valid or if I'm chemically funny. And maybe I will be able to need less and be normal. (they say this stuff can worsen with age and hormone fluctuations) I don't want meds, I have learned to deal with my difficulties but it never occurred to me that there may be a valid reason I go wacko every so often. Even if I try to hide it.

Meanwhile, I had a wonderful weekend! I skated a little on Friday night, and was able to reach the goal of 100 laps in 20 minutes on my first try (100 laps in 17.38 and I didn't even push! but I did get tired) I spent the day Saturday cleaning house and then Wifey, BIL, and Toxic came over. We watched movie and ate pizza, drank beer and hot buttered rum, ate cheesy poofs and hostess cupcakes... It was fantastic. Today I puttered about, went shopping (but didn't buy), made breakfast (not in that order) I can't remember when I had such a relaxing time. I am greatful for it.

It was a stellar weekend.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Just keep swimming...

I'm not sure where this week went. I didn't skate much, I know I went to work. I tried to spend some time at home, but here it is, Friday and I don't really remember Monday.

I think it's safe to say that things have been nuts. getting the warehouse ready to skate hasn't taken as much of my time as it has a few others, but I have been trying to pitch in when I can. It's the management part of things that has been wearing me out I think. Trying to come up with solutions that keep everyone happy. I know that's impossible. I feel caught in the middle. I finally snapped yesterday and told another board member that I needed her to stop. Because all of her input was making it that much more difficult and that I had been rendered into "an ineffective smiling asshole".

The visual made me laugh, but when I think of how often in the last week or so my only answer was to smile and bite my tongue, how often someone came to me with a wonderful idea and I had to tell them I can't make that kind of decision on my own, I want to scream. People who don't know me, and who don't know that this is not the way I like to operate. People who do know me and who are probably wondering what crawled up my ass. Why I can't give a strait answer, and what the hell is taking me so long.

Monday night I thought about walking away. handing it all over and letting someone else handle it. Someone who will ask for help and advice and who plays the game better than I do. Or maybe someone who isn't concerned about how everyone else feels and who won't allow anyone to make her feel bad about herself and the decisions she does make.

I think I just need to skate. Hard, long, until I'm worn out and stop having trouble sleeping because there's too much to think about. Till I'm dripping with sweat and bleeding on the rough concrete. It felt so good to roll last night. I didn't get enough of it. It won't make me think less, but it will make me feel better physically.

Maybe tomorrow.

I miss my house too. The puppy butt has spent too much time in his kennel this week. Did I count 17 hours for him in there on Monday? I know I was up for 21. Maybe more. I got to the point where I couldn't count the hours any more and I still couldn't sleep. Sending texts back and forth with a friend until I realized that I had to be up and ready for work in 5 hours and I had to at least pretend to sleep so I could function the next day. Then wishing I hadn't ended the conversation because I was wide awake and at least I was able to snooze a little in between the replies. That friend has been silent ever since. Which isn't strange, but it is. I'm trying not to think about it. Trying not to worry about it. Sadly, that is not in my nature. But I still have to stop it. I can't worry about that anymore.

Manic. I think that's the best way to describe it. But I can be Manic at home as long as I can focus at work.

How the hell do I think I can add dating if I can't even handle what I've got? Maybe trying is a mistake. (here we go again) Not that there's anyone asking, but how do I think I can add another person? Or is it the trying that makes me feel better about being single? Or is it all about breaking the cycle?

c wrote back the other day. his girlfriend moved in and they are happy and cozy and even though that was over a long time ago it still hurt. I can't decide if it's because she's parked where I used to park or if it's because he's managed to move on and find someone special and I keep failing. I'm happy for him. I would never begrudge someone their happiness.

I'm trying, I swear. I try to accept things the way they are. I try to make good choices. When I catch myself stuck on someone who isn't stuck on me, I try to move on. One might say I try too hard, but it's who I am. I try to go with the flow but sometimes, the flow stops and I can either tread water or swim a little. I guess right now I just can't tell if I'm swimming upstream or down.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Worn out

and it's only Monday.

I should really go to bed but I worry that I won't sleep through the night. Derby has me emotionally worn too with politics.

and I just realized that Chango was not in his kennel from 7:30 am to 9:30 pm today. No. He was in there from 4:30 am to 9:30 pm. he's a good boy though. But it solidified my vote on the dogs/no dogs question at the warehouse.

And I think that's all I have for now.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

The beat goes on

Ah. A new year. But what has changed? Nothing. Everything. I've been working on a few things.

1. Me. I know that's not new. but there are a few things about which I have needed an attitude adjustment. And I am actively working on that. First step, I've started perusing the personals again. I can't keep wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It's a bad habit. One I have wanted to stop for a very long time. This isn't the first time I haven't let go when I should, but I want to let go sooner than I have before. Somehow. I'm not good at this. It hurts. But I know it's healthy. And I am a better friend when I don't let attraction get in the way. And I made myself a promise that I wouldn't be "that" girl anymore after Hi5. You know, the one that is all neurotic and mopey (I hide it well) because people aren't behaving the way I want them to. Like I told Wifey, I deserve better than what I have been accepting as ok. Better than I have been allowing myself to be treated over the last few years. Not because I am anything special, but because I am human. Even though I like to pretend I'm not. And I do have feelings even though I like to pretend I don't. It's been 4 years since I have been in a "real" relationship. 5 since I felt secure in one. That's more than 1/3 of my adult life. I'm not ok with that. And the only way to change it is to get out there and look and go on dates and try. Waiting has never worked. I always end up heartbroken when whomever turns up with someone else. And no one has ever asked me to wait. So that's on me. The last person who told me he wasn't ready to be in a relationship is marrying the girl who became his girlfriend a month later in May. Although I was over him long ago, the situation will always hurt. It's not gonna be an easy wedding to attend.

2. We got a warehouse! Actually, it's an old grocery store. But it's awesome! We've been working day and night to get it ready for skating and such. It's scary. It's awesome. It's gonna be a lot of work. But worth it, I think.

3. I unpacked most of the craft room today! OMG! So many boxes! I still have some totes and a lot of organizing, but I am proud of myself for doing it. I know I will continue to find boxes that need unpacking but I also know that most of it is done and I can get started on the garage. Or maybe let Mandrew do it. He's been bugging me about it for months. LOL. Freak. Bless him for wanting to organize, I can't always do it on my own, I get overwhelmed easily. Most importantly, I'm putting my life physically in order; something I have neglected for awhile. I'm not sure where the motivation went, but I hope it lasts.

4. I signed up for a craft swap today. I haven't done one in a long time. Over a year, I think. Derby and work have pulled all of my extra energy away. I have allowed them to do this and it's time to balance my life. Find time for the other things I love.

Little changes. They feel good. Healing, progress, change. Whatever you want to call it I think it's good. Pray that the momentum continues and I don't get distracted.