Sunday, January 03, 2010

The beat goes on

Ah. A new year. But what has changed? Nothing. Everything. I've been working on a few things.

1. Me. I know that's not new. but there are a few things about which I have needed an attitude adjustment. And I am actively working on that. First step, I've started perusing the personals again. I can't keep wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It's a bad habit. One I have wanted to stop for a very long time. This isn't the first time I haven't let go when I should, but I want to let go sooner than I have before. Somehow. I'm not good at this. It hurts. But I know it's healthy. And I am a better friend when I don't let attraction get in the way. And I made myself a promise that I wouldn't be "that" girl anymore after Hi5. You know, the one that is all neurotic and mopey (I hide it well) because people aren't behaving the way I want them to. Like I told Wifey, I deserve better than what I have been accepting as ok. Better than I have been allowing myself to be treated over the last few years. Not because I am anything special, but because I am human. Even though I like to pretend I'm not. And I do have feelings even though I like to pretend I don't. It's been 4 years since I have been in a "real" relationship. 5 since I felt secure in one. That's more than 1/3 of my adult life. I'm not ok with that. And the only way to change it is to get out there and look and go on dates and try. Waiting has never worked. I always end up heartbroken when whomever turns up with someone else. And no one has ever asked me to wait. So that's on me. The last person who told me he wasn't ready to be in a relationship is marrying the girl who became his girlfriend a month later in May. Although I was over him long ago, the situation will always hurt. It's not gonna be an easy wedding to attend.

2. We got a warehouse! Actually, it's an old grocery store. But it's awesome! We've been working day and night to get it ready for skating and such. It's scary. It's awesome. It's gonna be a lot of work. But worth it, I think.

3. I unpacked most of the craft room today! OMG! So many boxes! I still have some totes and a lot of organizing, but I am proud of myself for doing it. I know I will continue to find boxes that need unpacking but I also know that most of it is done and I can get started on the garage. Or maybe let Mandrew do it. He's been bugging me about it for months. LOL. Freak. Bless him for wanting to organize, I can't always do it on my own, I get overwhelmed easily. Most importantly, I'm putting my life physically in order; something I have neglected for awhile. I'm not sure where the motivation went, but I hope it lasts.

4. I signed up for a craft swap today. I haven't done one in a long time. Over a year, I think. Derby and work have pulled all of my extra energy away. I have allowed them to do this and it's time to balance my life. Find time for the other things I love.

Little changes. They feel good. Healing, progress, change. Whatever you want to call it I think it's good. Pray that the momentum continues and I don't get distracted.

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