Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Where have i been?

Everywhere and nowhere. Busy, sick, travelling. Selling soap. Struggling to understand myself. Looking for balance.

I returned to skating only to catch a bad cold which took me out of skating. I have a bout in a couple of weeks, and have to make up the time.

I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's moments like these when I miss being anonymous. When I miss being able to shout into the internets and know that no one is listening. Not that there are a lot of people paying attention. only that most of them know me. personally. And while some don't say anything, some do.

Keep pushing ahead. Do the best that I can with the tools I have.

and to T and the Cowboy, I finally understand.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

That's right, I AM the Pumpkin King!

I recieved a phone call a couple of months ago. It was Poo. With a job offer.  Project Manager this time. In Oregon.

Oh what an opportunity that would be. He told me to take my time and really think about it. I pondered whether Cheese might come with me. I went back and forth on that one. Am I ready to live with him? Because that is likely how it would work. Would I want to be responsible for taking him that far from his daughter?

A place by the ocean. Trees. More money. A challenge. Coordinating again. New beginnings. Adventure.

I wasn't sure if an end to my Derby Career would be a positive or a negative. I could still skate, but wouldn't have to deal with the drama, frustration, and time suck that Derby can be.

I took a month off from Derby. I did it not only because I missed doing some of the things I love, my house still isn't unpacked, and because I wanted to take some time to focus on Bubbly Creations. I also did it because I took a hard hit to the head. My helmet didn't protect me and it was a little scary. And it hurt. I believe in signs.

It was hard to stay off my wheels. I am back to derby as of yesterday. It was good to roll.

Between everything and everything, I made my decision about the job.

I am not ready to leave NV. My house, my friends, and yes, Cheese too. He decided not to come with me, that being near his daughter was more important. I respect him more for it.

I've started hanging out a little bit with the Carson Sierra Spinners and Weavers. I think I can give them a couple of hours a month to get all fiber geeky.

I'm not ready to retire from Derby.

I don't want to leave my house, my friends, put Bubbly Creations back on ice. I don't want to be further from my family.

Sensei said to do it. That ther are other boys, other opportunities, other friends to be made. This is true. I didn't turn it down just for the man.

I turned it down after a long night of drinking in which I ended up crying because I didn't know what to do. Except that I did. And once I sobered up and listened closely to what my inner child was saying, in a very wet snotty fashion (she tends to come out in force when I drink too much. She also spends too much on booze) I realized that ultimately, I am happy here. Quite happy. I'm not ready to leave NV. As my wife said, I have only recently started calling this home.

I realized something else too. I am worth more than I have given myself credit for over the last 2 years. I wasn't fired for incompetance because I am incompetant, I was let go because I am competant. I am an excellent coordinator.  And that can be threatening to those who don't have faith in their own skills.

I like my job. I am comfortable here. But I also feel as though I am far more talented than I am given credit for. And I don't think that they will ever see me as more than the quirky little skater girl who rides around on a tricycle and pulls a wagon full of toilet paper. While that is who I am, I also know that I am more. The bosses have both been out of the office this week and I think that we have held it down really well. Not just me, all of us. The stuff that I miss, Paul has gotten. While I don't think for a moment that I could run this department, it might be time to go back to the other stuff I am good at. It's scary. I am comfortable. But it won't hurt to put out feelers. Thank goodness Poo reminded me that I am more than I have believed of myself. It's been fun to be challanged. And who knows, maybe after this week I WILL be taken a little more seriously. which would be cool because I would hate to have to give up my Radio Flyer.