Sunday, September 30, 2007

We are not talking about the rest of my evening

at least not right now.

Instead I will tell you the following...

That you know you don't even want to look at a home when the pictures of it online make you say (in your head, of course because I don't know about you but that's where all my best dialog happens) "Oh, holy Jesus" every time you hit the next button. And you aren't um, an avid follower of the teachings of Christ.

Meanwhile, in happy news, I picked up a lovely little antique dresser today. It wasn't an impulse buy, I slept on the idea and I do need somehwere to put my underwear which are still in a bin from moving. It's a lovely little number, and precisely what I was looking for several months ago when I was out looking for a little antique dresser thing to advertise my soap on. So it will serve a dual purpose. You know, when I can afford to pay off the IRS ($400) and get licenced in the great state of NV which, wants a state license($100), a city license($60), and sales taxes. Hence the property search because I don't want to spend the money to get a license in Reno only to move to say, Sparks or, more likely, Fernley-because-it's-cheaper. And well, we all know focusing on the future helps me ignore the present as does the bedding I spent all weekend cutting up for homeless ferrets.

AND this weekend I recruited 4 or 5 new members of the Reno Bad Girls of Craft so now we have enough people to actually meet up! YAY!

(distractions, distractions...)

Friday, September 28, 2007


So I'm standing there, minding my business, eating some noodles when suddenly,

ow. ow. OW!!

I'm allergic to my pants.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Happy HNT!

It's easy, I think, to get so wrapped up in the drama that is life, that we forget how lucky we are. To focus so hard on the difficult part of the journey that we forget that every great adventure has it's cold dark mountainous moments.
Lately, I have been doing just that.
But today, as work was just a little less ugly, and life just a little more sunny, I snapped out of my funk and remembered that I am beyond blessed.
Sure, I live in testosterone central. But right this minute, with my belly full of steak and biscuits (and who doesn't love steak and biscuits?) I am reminded that holy crap! I just had steak for dinner! Again! I may get frustrated with my lack of alone time, but oh my goodness! I'm not paying rent! which means I can save up and achieve my dream of homeownership. That in and of it's self is a blessing that I cannot possibly ever repay.
My job? might be very frustrating. But it's a challenge. And On days like today, I actually feel like I can meet the challenge. And perhaps on days when I don't, I can remember today. And I will make it through. It's what I do.
Cowboy? I still don't know the answer. I know what you guys tell me to do. I'm listening. But I have to make my choices for me. And if I make the wrong one, I have to learn from it. I'd rather not have him tell me lies or settle into a relationship he isn't ready for. That's why I want to take time to make a choice in the matter. Because I swing back and forth between being ok with the situation and being what Cowboy would call "butt hurt" over it. I my mind, butt hurt means that you're all bent out of shape over something that isn't really a big deal. It's more of an affront to your ego than anything. Truly? I don't think I am being played. And I just have this very strong feeling that a little bit of time is just what I need before the answer will be provided. Right now, I feel like I have all the time in the world. And I will continue to appreciate the time he shares with me because I like his company.
Thats all.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

It was one of those days

It was one of those days such that I couldn't wait to come home and start drinking and crafting. I didn't get as much crafting done as I would have liked, but I drank enough. I imagine that in the morning I will remember why I don't drink on work nights.

Sometimes I think this city is chewing me up and it's gonna spit me out. I wish I could say I am blissfully happy here. Another thing hat I have to be patient with. It's not that I don't like it here, I'm just not doing well treading water. I question everything, right down to my ability to hold a good job without the support of someone in my family. But I remind myself that this is what life is about. and that every great adventure has it's difficult parts.

I had a dream the other night that my body wasn't getting enough (you suck weinwers) oxegen because I can't seem to aclimate to the elevation.

I think the stress of moving and all that has been going on is finally hitting me.

This is what happens when Boy Roomie hangs out in my room...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Moments of truth

Met the Cowboy for dinner tonight. I really enjoyed sitting there and chatting with him over pizza.

During the course of our conversation he mentioned that there is someone else he sees about once a week. Just dinner, really, an old friend. It was kind of a tangent off him saying that he only gets to see me once a week (and really I never found out if he would like to see me more than that), and obviously something he needed to say. Then he thanked me for not getting upset, that he wanted to be honest and open. I don't even think my facial expression changed and I don't have a poker face. I flat out told him that I have a lot of male friends. That we go out to dinner and hang out. That some of them are ex boyfriends.

It allowed me to tell him that I really do understand and believe him when he says he does not want to be in a committed relationship. I told him that I have to decide whether that's ok with me or not. He seemed a little surprised by that answer, but I think he is used to women who behave emotionally not the kind who consider things rationally. His wife, apparently, didn't accept him the way he is and tried to change him into the kind of corporate robot he can never be happy being. (she wanted "the lifestyle", he was self employed.)

I'm still torn, honestly, and after I drove away, I did get a little emotional. Tried to think about why I was ok with the situation in the restaurant but not in my car. It seemed to me that I am operating under a double standard. That I would smile and nod one moment and tear up in private. I had a long talk with myself about it.

It's a tough spot for me to be in. And I don't like it. And I still don't know what the right answer is and I hate that. And I think part of the reason I got upset was not that he sees someone else too, but that I obviously have a habit of being interested in men who aren't really available, even though they might appear to be. In that moment, in my car, all those nights driving away from T when we were doing our best to be friends flashed into my head and it hurt. (So maybe I am not feeling as healed up as I thought I was)

Then, as I was pondering the best way to go about getting this out and off my chest, I realized something about myself.

I need to feel special.

Am I holding out hope for something without a possibility of a future? Again? Or do I practice what I preach, trust my instincts and see what kind of answers time brings? I guess the answer to that one is that I should always practice what I preach...And maybe what I need more than anything to learn from this is patience.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Memories! Like the corner of my mind...

Or something like that. Never was much for Barbara. Except maybe for that one duet with Neil Diamond. Something about flowers. C would know. I hear it in my head sometimes, at the death of a romance. "You don't bring me flowers, anymore" Of course, in my world, romance is a rarity, so I don't know all the words. Plus, there are plenty of depressing ending songs to sing. I refused to sing them after it was all over with T. I was trying not to wallow. Instead I re-learned that singing those songs helps me to heal.

I went off on a tangent. Sorry.

I remembered the thing that so eluded me yesterday. We had a Clint sighting.

Now, when I say we, this time, I don't mean me, I mean Poo and BR who went to go pick up Rusty from the airport on Friday. (I stayed behind because I was baking chocolate cakes. I say cake in plural because I made indivudual serving size bundt cakes instead of one big cake to share. I love individual servings of stuff. I also learned that you can warm canned frosting up inthe microwave and drizzle it instead of spreading it and it's yummy. another tangent. I am full of them today)

So Poo and BR are waiting for Rusty's plane to arrive when in comes Clint wearing a reflective jacket and carrying those flashlights with cones on the end. BR excused himself to the bathroom, and Clint told Poo he had a job directing airplanes onto the runway. (I am pretty sure they just use runway lights now...) His chin was working like mad. And when he left, (accidentally mentioning that he was going back to the car rental place across the way and "oops. I have two jobs right now, you know") Poo told him to come and get his stuff and to call his parents. They said his chin was still going and he ambled off kind of limping sideways.

Sad, what people will do to their bodies. The general consensus is that he's not long for this world. Rusty said something about them having found cancer in his throat and perhaps that is why he went back to drugs. I suppose I will never know for sure. Regardless, it's an unfortunate situation.

Today, I was bombarded all day with the sounds of the football games. I generally like football, but after a bit, I got tired of hearing the announcers. I am hoping that I just needed a nap. Or that hours upon hours of it was just too much for my brain to take.

Since I mentioned the sad endings of romances, I imagine that those of you who care are wondering what is going on with the Cowboy. Things are about the same. We are enjoying each other's company. Sometimes he calls when he says he will, sometimes he doesn't. When he doesn't, I call him, and we chat for long periods of time. He tells me he's not in a position in his life to be someone's boyfriend, and I am still considering whether a non comitted dating reationship is enough for me since I don't generally date more than one men at a time. I tell myself that we are what each other needs right now. In my heart, that sounds like the right answer.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Oh, Hi officer. I'll give you two good reasons not to give me a ticket today...

subtitled, "Whew! Thank goodness I'm wearing my 'Sexy Motherpucker' lip gloss today!"

Rusty's in town which means a lot of beer drinking and tobacco chewing. I? have known or awhile that I would end up driving three drunk asses around the greater Truckee Meadows area this weekend. I'm quite ok with that. I would rather know I am driving than worry about them dying on a mountain road. Rusty, for those of you who have been around for a bit, used to be my landlord. But it's his wife that I can't stand. I like Rusty.

So we wandered out this morning and headed up to Tahoe. After checking out the dam, (there were some huge fish right there. You could see them right through the water. it was SWEET!) Rusty quickly determined that he was ready for a bar, I went wandering Tahoe City. Got me some gelato and headed to the bar to meet up with the boys who were, at that point, pretty well snookered. BTW, Jason's Bar and Grill, great service.

We left, and stopped my the gas station for a twelve pack to drink on the way down the hill. (!!!) About half way down, Poo decided it was time for me to drive. And we got down the hill alive, stopping only once to let the boys out to pee. At least, we got most of the way down the hill without incedent.

I saw the cop from quite aways away. Nevada Police have disco lights. I noticed a speed limit sign and started to slow down. Since the cop was pulled over, I wasn't all that worried. Until he pulled out onto the road and behind me with his lights on. I thought, "Hey, I'll just pull to the right and let him pass me, he must be after someone." He was. Me. Shit.

Now, I have not switched my licence over. And I have three dunk men in the car, three open containers, and a lot of empties. Rusty is carrying something extra, and smells like it.

The officer, was realy very nice. He clocked me going 71 in a 55. He believed me when I said I had only been here a couple of weeks. (I figured that a lie would be ok as long as it didn't hurt anyone and might save my ass) He forgave a good portion of my speeding since I probably don't know the limits yet. (in my defense, I really didn't know it was 55 through there) He also gave me credit for driving a truck that was not my own. AND we didn't get cited for not being able to find Poo's insurance card.

My ticket is for 1 mile over. I am blessed.

It occurred to me later that perhaps I could have offered to show him a bit of skin, if you know what I mean, and maybe gotten out of the ticket all together, but that's mostly about being funny and not at all about being realistic. We do think that he knew I was the designated driver. All I know is that I drove the speed limit all the way home. And I am thanking my lucky stars for nice cops and lip plumping lip gloss.

Right now Poo and BR are arguing poker rules. I think I am ready to take a little jaunt to the craft store. Maybe all three craft stores. I don't want to be around wen they decide to play "suck my dick".

People often ask me how I handle living with two men. I usually laugh and tell them it's not too bad. I've learned that when the going gets tough, I go to my room.

Meanwhile, shit. I forgot. There was something else! I totally forgot what it was! Dangit.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I'm starting to get creative-er

Happy HNT!

I slept with this pile of laundry last night, and I think I'm going to sleep with it again tonight. so there.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

They managed to keep one secret

I had a good month or so to prepare for my mom's arrival, and a little more than that to prepare for my cousins'. I was exceptionally pleased when it turned out that my aunt and uncle (and family) were able to cancel thier camping trip.

I almost cried when my seester came around the corner.

Having my family here was the best birthday present i could have hoped for. I know the youngins were missing, and thier presence would have made it all complete, but I am satisfied with the wonderful gift of the family that could make it.

Today we drove around. Went on a little hike, then back to my aunt and uncle's for ice cream cake. We watched a movie. People got a little cranky, and we went home. My family sang various versions of "Happy Birthday" and sag along with The Beatles.

I can't possibly think how my birthday could have been better. I have one more day with my cousins and sister, and three more days with my mom.

Friday, September 14, 2007

they say it's you birthday (do do do do do) It's my birthday too!

Also knowns as the obligatry OH MY GOD I'M THIRTY" post. because Oh my goodness, suddenly, I am. I mean, I know Ihave been preparing for it for um 30 years now, but honestly it really did sneak up on me because in truth? I'm still twelve. Which is why yesterday I had to refrain from giggling when I told the schindler guy to move his van because we needed to caulk the louver.


So as you can see, I don't LOOK any differnet than I did two day ago when I took the last picture of myself. Except I grew bags under my eyes because my mom came out to visit as a surprise (I knew, but didn't say anything. hee hee) and two grown women don't fit so well in a double bed. Especially when both of them are used to sleeping alone. Plus, she was snoring. So here's me on my birthday...

And here's the part where I brag about my new present.

My Momi spoils me.

In the back you can kind of see the blanket i made myself the other night. It's snuggly.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Happy HNT!

Every so often, I visit a fucked up bathroom. And I always wish that I had taken a picture because no one could possibly believe how incredibly fucked up this bathroom is.

This one wasn't so bad, but I happened to have my camera with me. It was taken in Virginia City a couple of weeks ago. Knowing now what I didn't know then, is just how damn haunted that place is. sadly, I am only recently getting my "feelings" back after a year's hiatus, but happily, while visiting VC for the second time, I felt a lot. I'm still looking for the ghostie in the picture. I don't think there is one.

FYI, I am standing up in the stall NOT sitting down. And I did get caught taking the picture, but the other lady didn't mind since you can't see her. (she was sitting down. not in the stall with me, you freak.)

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Went out with the Cowboy last night. I'm back on the happy train. AND he said he would call today and he did.

Tonight I went to coffee with Todd. He was nice. I'm not interested.

After I got home I realized that there is a hole in the crotch of my pants.

Right in front. Which will make my sisters happy because they hate these jeans.

I often wonder if Poo knows I can hear him talking when he is out on the porch. He's discussing me at the moment. It just comes right in my window. This is how sometimes I hear things I don't want to hear.

Ooh. It's late. I'd best be to bed.

Tomorrow I am meeting Greg for dinner.

Sunday, September 09, 2007


So, my mom and poo are fighting because she says he called during the Charger Game to harass her, and he said he didn't call her at all.

My answer? I was either eating or in my room so I can neither confirm nor deny. She says her's is the reliable opinion because she hasn't been drinking. I say they are both a little goofy and I won't believe anything without seeing some phone bill evidence.

Either way, they aren't any fun when they are mad. Even 500 miles away from each other.

I am quietly frustrated and only telling you (all 5 of you) that I am so. not because of my parents but because Cowboy said he would call tonight when he got back from being out of town and he didn't. As Poo has said, "He's turning out to be a flake". I say he's turning out to be like most of the men I have dated (if you can consider us dating) where it turns out that he is so wrapped up in doing what he loves that he forgets to pay attention to the people in his world.

Now, don't get me wrong, I get wrapped up too. And I am not the kind of woman to be jealous of a hobby. But I decided a long time ago (after D) that I deserve better than second place. Quite frankly, I am very low maintenance. Very low. And If I feel like I am not getting enough attention, or that I am playing second fiddle, then there is something wrong. I accept that Cowboy has a lot going on. But I also think that if he can't make time to call when he says he will or to see me once a week or so, then perhaps he doesn't have time to date me. And that's ok, I would rather get that out of the way now before it hurts later. This time? I don't think I am overreacting.

It's not like this is the first time this has happened. And no, I have not given him the pet peeve talk. And no, it doesn't make me feel insecure about our relationship because we don't have one. What we have is two people who have met twice, and talked on the phone several times. We have one person who is actually making some sort of effort, and one person who is making half of one. One of those two is not feeling particularly forgiving right now. One of those two may have allowed herself to be too available so as to appear always available. It seems like this whole not calling thing is his MO. And I really need to figure out if that is something I can handle or not. There are a lot of things I need to decide if I can handle or not. That's a lot of internalized drama for what we have. Which is very little.

Trouble is, that I have had so little face to face time with him that I can't tell if it is worth it. this may just be a crazy time for him. He may have more time when winter is here because I don't think he can rope in the snow. Plus it gets a lot darker earlier. and colder. I enjoy our conversations when we talk on the phone, they have gotten a little less superficial. He seems to want me to get to know him. He tells me more about his family and about life on the ranch, and less about his favorite cartoon character. (Which is certainly a reasonable conversation, of course. I mean, the philosophy behind Roadrunner Cartoons? Genius!)

Am I expecting too much? Am I doing too much comparison with men in my past with whom I was very quickly close? Because it is my experience that when you are really interested in someone, you make it a point to see them as much as possible. I'm not talking about physical contact, I'm talking about getting to know each other better, face to face. Making an effort to see that person even though you are busy. Or at the very least, calling when you say you will. Finding out if this is someone you want to spend more time with or someone who drives you so crazy that when you part ways, you never want to see or speak to them again.

Next week it will have been three weeks since last we met. I think you can hear what I am thinking. Let's see if I have the courage to tell him so.

Friday, September 07, 2007


Ok, so, the other day I was feeling really pouty and was probably overreacting. I won't know what Cowboy wants from me until I see him again and maybe even then I don't know. I have a tendency to overreact sometimes (a lot, but in my head until I arrive here). Especially where men are concerned. Part of the trouble is that this is the first guy that I have been on more than one date with who I thought, "I really like this guy" in a very long time. Looking back, I was rather quickly disenchanted with Biker Bob, I just stuck around hoping it would get better.

And in some ways, I am doing that again. But different. This time I am not desperate to cover up the memories of someone else. I'm not looking to replace any one. I'm looking at the situation objecively when I'm not frustrated and confused. And this one? confuses me. He doesn't behave the way I am used to men behaving. And I'm not certain what it is he wants from me. Chances are, I'm making things a lot more complicated in my head than they really are.

But I'm a woman. That's what we do. And no matter how much I try to be logical, sometimes my emotions get in the way. And that's ok. I'm listening to them.

(Heh. the bird just said, "God Damn, fuck this shit")

I''m listening closely and remembering that there are men out there who are looking for the kind of relationship I am looking for. And it could be that Cowboy IS looking for a partner, just not a wife. In his mind? Wife is still a bad thing. I'm learning that. I'm also learning that he's trying to be VERY careful who he spends his time with. I don't think married was fun for him. And I get the idea that the women he has dated since then have been a little crazy for the idea of being married. And soon.

So yes, I will still dress nicely. I don't wear sweats outside the gym anyway so I don't really know what I meant when I said "dress down". I'll still make sure I smell like flowers or strawberries and maybe eventually, coconut (he loves coconut). I can't promise there won't be glue on my fingers and wool in my hair though. That's just too much to ask.

I will ask, though, that when he makes plans with me, that he keeps them.


good clean fun

BTW, my eyes are red from environmental irritants. damn fires.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Of Cowboys and Goats

Funny thing is, that the Cowboy and the Goat share a name. Cowboy thought that was pretty darn funny.

Tonight he underlined the fact that as long as we continue to have fun, we can continue to spend time together. Fun. A Good time. He underlined that he isn't looking for another wife. (Right after he told me he was dissapointed at not getting to hang out with me last week.) That most women get these ideas after going out a few times about whomever they are dating being "the one"

I explained that I understood, (even though it hurt. I didn't tell him that part, I just stalked around my room) but that women always think that way because it's how we are. That he had made it abundantly clear where he was coming from.

Can I handle that? of course. I've been doing it for years. As long as he doesn't think that having fun means anything physical because that is where I have to draw my lines. Because we have all seen how I don't know how to seperate the physical from the emotional and frankly, I think I am worth far more than a good time. and I think I have wasted too much of myself on "hopefully" and "probably".

So sure, Cowboy, we can be friends. We can hang out and have fun together. And I? will not allow silly romantic dreams of fairy tale endings blind me to what you said. Because I believe that you meant it.

And I? will keep looking for my fairytale ending because I know it's worth it to wait for what is right and damnit, I deserve it.

So maybe tomorrow but definately the next day? we can go out to dinner. And if you show up and I have paint on my nose and glue on my fingers? Or wool in my hair? It's because I don't see any reason to be exceptionally careful with my appearance for someone out to have a good time. My "pals" like me that way.

(after I hung up the phone I stomped around and threatened to throw the phone. But since I NEED it, I didn't. But I wanted to. I also stomped quietly so as not to alert the neighbors. or the roomates.Because, you know, I was likeing that one even though I have tried to play it off. What I really need is a good heartfelt scream)