It's easy, I think, to get so wrapped up in the drama that is life, that we forget how lucky we are. To focus so hard on the difficult part of the journey that we forget that every great adventure has it's cold dark mountainous moments.
Lately, I have been doing just that.
But today, as work was just a little less ugly, and life just a little more sunny, I snapped out of my funk and remembered that I am beyond blessed.
Sure, I live in testosterone central. But right this minute, with my belly full of steak and biscuits (and who doesn't love steak and biscuits?) I am reminded that holy crap! I just had steak for dinner! Again! I may get frustrated with my lack of alone time, but oh my goodness! I'm not paying rent! which means I can save up and achieve my dream of homeownership. That in and of it's self is a blessing that I cannot possibly ever repay.
My job? might be very frustrating. But it's a challenge. And On days like today, I actually feel like I can meet the challenge. And perhaps on days when I don't, I can remember today. And I will make it through. It's what I do.
Cowboy? I still don't know the answer. I know what you guys tell me to do. I'm listening. But I have to make my choices for me. And if I make the wrong one, I have to learn from it. I'd rather not have him tell me lies or settle into a relationship he isn't ready for. That's why I want to take time to make a choice in the matter. Because I swing back and forth between being ok with the situation and being what Cowboy would call "butt hurt" over it. I my mind, butt hurt means that you're all bent out of shape over something that isn't really a big deal. It's more of an affront to your ego than anything. Truly? I don't think I am being played. And I just have this very strong feeling that a little bit of time is just what I need before the answer will be provided. Right now, I feel like I have all the time in the world. And I will continue to appreciate the time he shares with me because I like his company.
Thats all.
2 comments:
You seem to have your head together chick - moreso than me.
Go you.
Gretta x
I know being lonely sucks.
But I think that you're settling for the cowboy rather than moving forward with him just being a friend and finding someone better.
I think you know that he's not right for you, and you're trying hard to stay stable and understanding while he goes through his saga because you're a good person.
Fuck that.
What about you?
If he dug you to the fullest he wouldn't make all that shit such a big issue in his life. But it is, and you're left holding a candle, wondering if he'll call, wondering what he's up to.
I'm sure he's a decent guy, and probably has no idea the amount of stress this situation puts on you, but c'mon kiddo there's no reason to be a glutton for this type of punishment.
There's other dudes. There's other dudes who will absolutely worship you, if you let them. You deserve to be somebody's rockstar, and with the cowboy you just aren't.
You're his roadie.
And that's crap.
I'm sorry if I'm coming off brash, that's not my intention. Just don't want to see you spinning round in this funk all becuase of a dude.
Oh, as for the new city worries from your previous post...
It's fucking' scary, that kind of move and change in climate and situation. I completely agree. The process you're going through is totally natural though. You're in a headspace where what you left feels better than where you are.
Ride that shit out. Fight back. It's going to get better, and before you know it, it's going to be awesome.
B.
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