Sunday, December 27, 2009
Yes, I know that no realtionship between two people is ever the same. Personalities, circumstances, schedules, get in the way. People grow up. They grow apart. And as life happens, it becomes more difficult to forgive the hurts and the neglect and easier to just be angry.
The holidays are especially difficult when it comes to my dad. Unless he lived in another state, chances are we would at the very least see him at or near Christmas. He was a classic Santa Dad. When we saw him at any time of year, we would eat candy and donuts and Lucky Charms. We'd watch movies and he would make omlettes with shrimp. There would be visits to his parents' and grandparents. Toys, Nintendo, no chores. Somehow, I didn't notice that the rest of the year when he would be out to sea for 6 months and then back for 6 months, we wouldn't see him until the last weekend before it was time to ship out again.
I know things now that I didn't know then. That he was probably on a bender for that time period. That when we would stop at his friend's house "real quick" and he would leave us in the car for what seemened like forever, that he was probably refilling his stash. Somehow, and maybe because I didn't know, it never interfered with our time with him. It was another errand.
Now that I am older, I do know these things. And there are so many other reasons to be angry with him. I try to let them go, but it's hard. I am only human after all.
Now, when the holidays roll around, I dread seeing him more than a bit. It has nothing to do with the fact that he is no longer "Santa" and eveything to do with the fact that I just don't know what to say. Its been like that for years. It breaks my heart. There was a brief time when I saw Daddy every weekend. A time when we could talk for hours about this and that. When he would tell me stories and we would go to the Swap Meet.
All that has happened in the last 9 years since my grandmother died has overshadowed that. Somewhere in there, I lost my father. Now I know that what really happened was that he lost himself.
On Christmas, we were invited over. I didn't get there until late. There was a miscommunication but I should have tried harder. I didn't want to try harder. It's become easier to avoid the silences. What I found when I did arrive was a relaxed father. Who started almost immedietly telling stories. To me my father is the sum of his stories. I love every outrageous tale. Many are true, some I question. The one he told that night will be AWESOME if it is true, and is one of the few that I might be able to get backup on. We will see.
For the first time in a long time, when my sisters got ready to leave, I didn't jump at the chance to go too. I wanted to stay a little longer. This feeling made me happy and broke my heart a little.This is how I should always feel. I left knowing he was coming to dinner the next night.
He did. Since Uncle Mike was there, he launched into stories again. Some I had heard, some I had not. Still, all the world is right when Daddy is telling stories. I get that from him. During the course of these tales, it came out that Daddy has not fished in quite some time. 5 years, actually, which is how I know that he has lost so much of himself. The parts of Daddy that aren't made up of stories are made up of fishing. I don't really want to fish unless it's with him; I only catch fish when we are together. (and I don't want to bait the hook, kill the fish, clean it...)
5 years is a long time to go without doing the thing you love to do the most. Later, after he left, Uncle Mike mentioned taking him out (UM is an AVID fisherman who is frequently in Bass tournaments) and I told him how much it would mean to me if he would.
I'm not sure how much fishing Daddy has left. Each time I see him, I learn something new about his growing list of health issues. From the back issues that may leave him paralyzed to the heart drugs he doesn't want to take because they will render him unable to tell where his bloodsugar is; dangerous for a diabetic.
I don't know how much time I have left with my dad. The fact that he didn't expect to make it past 55 doesn't make it any easier for either of us to accept that the years of hard living have caught up. I am thankful that he's rediscovering the important things now though. Maddy lights him up like nothing else and I think he knows that all the things he missed out on over the years while he was being selfish with himself have culminated in her; so those things must have been wonderful too. And they were. I'm sorry he missed them.
I was sad to see him go last night. I was enjoying him again. I pray that we are able to spend more time together so that the good memories can replace the bad. He gave the usual round of hugs last night, ending with my mom. As they held each other close, he said, loud enough for us all to hear, "I love you". Not an easy thing to say to a woman you have been divorced from for 31 years. But an important statement. And so nice to hear. Not because I have any sort of thought about them getting back together, but because I know that it is important and healing to tell the people you love how much they mean to you.
I could certainly say it more often.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
I'm enjoying my family, have had plenty of time with my neice who really is the world's cutest kid and who, unlike most children, doesn't cry when I smile at her, she smiles back. Good match. I'm sure it helps that she seems to like everybody.
We're celebrating Christmas on Saturday this year. My father is invited to dinner and we should have a full house. In the meantime I'm spending time with my mom and hope to go look at lights with her and Girl Roomie while I am here. Seeing Poo is on the list too. My trips are too short, but also feel long. The puppy butt is staying with Bella and Baby and Oliver are home alone. I I'm sure she's fine always fear I will return to a dead parrot. I'm sure she's fine.
That's all I have. Nice and mellow and even keel. Can't possibly complain about that!
Monday, December 21, 2009
"Will I meet a nice man to date?"
To which he answered,
"No Way, ARRG!"
So of course I had to ask,
"Will I meet a mean man to date"
And he said,
So you see? The ever truthful oracle says it's assholes for me so I'm going to stop trying to pick out the nice ones.
I'm looking forward to getting out of this funk and back to feeling confident and fulfilled again. I like me best that way.
Friday, December 18, 2009
So much to say. So much self censure. The things I want to talk about, need to get out of my head and off of my chest so that I can let something healthy fill the fissure in my soul, I can’t. I am too public.
And then I argue with my self. Because I know I am beyond blessed. I am achieving the things I always dreamed of. I have no room for complaint. And yet I ask for more. I try to write about it, and I sound like I am throwing a pity party. I’m tired of those.
I delete my posts and remind myself to Need Less.
I have so much. The wonders, they don’t cease. From the Cookie Thief offering much needed cash to help him paint his kitchen to Bella’s wonderful discovery of an almost new washer and dryer, free, if I just pick them up. And Vic making sure I could. Mandrew hooking up the washing machine. It doesn’t sound like a big thing, but I would have made a larger mess. And I don’t know if I could have gotten the fittings tight enough.
My mom would tell me that I deserve these kindnesses because I’m a good person. I don’t see how I’m any better of a person than anyone else. But I do feel like it’s important to pay it forward.
I have so much. House, food, dog, a good job. The picture is pretty well perfect. The friends I have met here are unbelievable. I miss my family but with the friends I have, that hole in my soul is a little less empty. My cup runneth over.
And yet. That same issue boomerangs back again.
I’m lonely. I shouldn’t be. I have and do so much. I remind myself that it is a biological need and reality to want to have a partner. But I also like to tell myself that I am above that. That I am an evolved creature.
I know better. I am consistently making decisions that leave me curled up on the floor wondering when I’m going to get it right. I knowingly make the choices I make, telling myself that I’m being smart about it this time, and yet the end result is the same. How long will it take for it to stop hurting this time?
I tell myself I need to find the lesson. That it isn’t time right now; I watch the years slip by. I feel more and more like Bridgette Jones every day. Without the vodka and the cigarettes. Especially when people ask me, and they often do, why I am still single. I am not, actually, covered in scales. I don’t have a snappy comeback; I just smile and shrug my shoulders. Then I break a little more inside.
Bella asked me today if there isn’t a reason I choose unavailable men. I have explored this. I have looked over my psyche with a magnifying glass and a nit comb. I have examined the men I have dated in the 5 years since my last long term, real, solid, secure relationship. There are some patterns. I am trying to learn from those. Sometimes, there just aren’t. B. How could I have known he was lying about everything? Hi5. We still talk over messenger sometimes. He says he misses me. He says he made a mistake. He says maybe he wants to see me when he’s in town, or maybe it would be better if he didn’t. Jess. Who told me how wonderful I am, how interested he is in getting to know me better. We’ve scheduled 2 dates. They both got cancelled. He had good reasons. Still I had to wonder if that’s how it would be. It seems when I try and break the pattern, when I try to choose wisely, I’m still wrong. I can only blame myself for so much failure. Sometimes, it’s not my fault. I can’t control what other people do.
That’s where I am right now. Where I have been for the last couple of months since the “I am Woman Hear Me Roar” momentum of Hi5 moving and me buying a house wore off. During the worst of it, I hold my head up high, smile, and if possible, skate it off. It’s hard to focus on my heart when I am concerned about what my feet are doing or where the next hit will come from. I have to admit though, that it doesn’t take much to distract me from my focus and to bring it all back. I try to keep that to myself too. I made a promise.
Until things change though, and they always do, I will do what I always do. Smile. Persevere. And try to remember to count my blessings when I can’t sleep.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I wouldn't know this except that I have now received two emails from two different men. (although they must know each other because the verbage was exactly the same in both.) Yes indeed. I, amazingly have so facinated these two men that they wrote secret blogs to me.
Now, I didn't read the second one, but the first one, written just for me, invited me to guess who the author was and to take a look at some racy pictures of him with my name written on his body via a website. Now, mind you , the website would ask for my credit card number, but only to verify that I am not a robot.
Alas, I have sworn off paying for dates. But gosh, it's flattering to know I am wanted.
In other news, things are much the same as they have been. The house is being unpacked slowly, I am looking forward to spending some time with my family during the next couple of holidays, and I fear I must be insane because in addition to hearing voices and talking to myself, I find myself repeating the same action and expecting different results. Actually, I haven't heard voices in a few years...But I'm pretty sure that if I look at other stuff scientifically, the end result should have been obvious.
Monday, November 30, 2009
The new mattress, it's helping the pain go away. So are weekly visits to the Chiropractor. Except now I get to go 2 weeks without. YAY! progress!
Drove to San Diego for the Holiday. I did my best to snort my niece up my nose and take her with me. It didn't work, but I swear it wasn't for lack of trying. It was good to spend a few moments with my family. I don't feel like I spent enough. And the crowds were large enough at each stop that I fear there are some important people I missed giving more than a hug to. I hope I don't regret that. My father showed up to Maddy's baptism and birthday. I gave him a hug and didn't want to let go. It was a strange moment in my world. It was neat learning that the church where the ceremony was held was the same one where Daddy and some of his brothers were baptised. It's always neat to gather a little family history. Especially since I used to love looking at that church as we drove past on the 5 freeway.
Daddy looked so small. (it could have been the high heels) I worry about how much longer I will have him; despite our history, I love him and am proud of him for all that he has accomplished in the last couple of years. But his body is starting to give; he has developed heart trouble and I know in my heart that all the years of hard and fast living is catching up. I wish I could get that through the heads of addicts. That what they are doing now is taking years away from them later.
It was wonderful seeing Girl Roomie too. And kissing her pregnant belly. She's going to make such a wonderful mom. She's an incredible person.
All in all a good trip. And a wonderful holiday. I can't WAIT to go back for Christmas!
Monday, November 09, 2009
What I took from my buying experience is the knowledge that people are far more kind and generous than I ever thought possible. From the overall well wishes, to the loan shark (loan turtle?), to my coworkers who paid for an epoxy floor for my garage. And the one who came over and spent his Sunday installing it. And Mandrew who is my hero because he brought over 3 TRUCKLOADS while I was at work, then rearranged my living room so when I got home, it looked like a home and I felt a little bit of peace for the first time in weeks. And he gave the bunny treats. And the puppy some love. That guy really knows how to make a girl swoon. And the fellas who gave me their Saturday morning, moved my crap, and then THANKED me for such an easy move. And then left before I could feed them beer. or lunch. and before they ate all the donuts. Ahem. And Pdog who let me feed him beer and lunch. It made me happy to treat.
And my wife. I seperate her out from everyone else that helped me to move because she did so much more. She listened to nonstop house talk for three months. She gave me support and encouragement and mushy gushy. Overall, she makes it bearable to be without my family. I will never be able to repay her for all that she has given me and she would laugh at me for suggesting that I should try.
The unpacking has begun as has the cleaning and gathering of crap from the old house. I'm gonna have to take some serious stock of my stuff because I just don't have as much cabinet space. And there are hobbies I have not touched in years. Mandrew said after moving my stuff (That it was like going through the underwear drawer of my personality) that I need to have another garage sale and I wholheartedly agree. Heck, I found stuff while I was clearing the old place that I need to pass along. I didn't want to bring it with but, I don't really have a choice.
In other random news, I was pondering the internet porn industry on my way home from work and it occurred to me, that if you were a person who thought porn was evil, what better way to make it "dirty" than to give it a virus that gets passed along to those who watch it? An internet STD. Call the disk doctor, my computer caught herpes. Well, mine didn't I don't look at porn.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 09, 2009
I know that I can only handle so much and yet I insist on piling my plate higher and higher.
It's easy to forget because I'm not dealing with paperwork right now that I am currently going through one of life's most stressful moments. I'm buying a house. Escrow closes in two weeks and I am so scared that something isn't going to go through, that the bank will find me or the house unworthy, that I push it away and think about other things.
I'm moving. Another one of life's major stresses. Getting a house packed and ready without screwing myself out of the essentials and oh yeah it needs to be cleaned, repaired and prepared for the next tennant (Yes, i know this is technically the lsndlord's responsibility but he is also my friend and I am not going to leave him with a mess) and by the way I haven't forgotten that I need to make a payment to the loan shark to keep them from getting screwed and buy a refrigerator and a washer and dryer and prepare the new house for my occupancy (Clean and paint) Granted it will be MY house. Mine. I'm more excited than I like to admit because I am so worried that something will go wrong and you KNOW I don't do disappointment well.
I miss my family a lot lately. Maybe because I need them more than usual right now.
There's always stress involved with Derby. Always. Usually I just skate it off. Lately though I haven't been able to. My back is bothering me again and has been for many months. I find temporary relief from the pain here and there and it doesn't usually keep me up at night but it's there and I am monitoring it closely. But that means I can't skate as hard as I would like. which means my aggression and stress build up. I'm being smart about my back though. When it starts getting tender I do something else. If I have been sitting too long, I get up and take a walk. If it starts getting sore when I'm skating, I stop. That's helped a lot but I don't know if I will be in any condition to bout on November 14. It was hard telling my team that last night. Not to count on me. This will be the second bout I have missed this season due to injury. If I am not better by then.
And the Merchandise. Usually not a problem. I order when we are low and try not to overdraw the account. But it was suggested that for Chistmas we offer a bunch of stuff to the girls that we don't usually offer. Which means it all has to be gathered and quoted. In the next couple weeks. This was on the tails of a suggestion from the same person that I allow her to help me and that I form a comittee. I said no to both. If I get help, I would like for it to be someone NOT on the board and NOT in charge of her own comittee and for goodness sakes, I'm comitteed out. Then the same person came forward with a great deal on sweatshirts which needed to be offered to everyone if I didn't want to look like an asshole and miss an opportunity to get items people have been requesting for awhile. the response has been wonderful. The part of me that doesn't trust anyone wonders if it wasn't calculated. A way to force me to do what was asked of me. The part of me who wants to believe that everyone is in it for the good thinks that other part is a bitch.
Thank goodness for my Wifey who had the wonderful suggestion that I bring all RRG stuff over to her house until after the move so that nothing gets lost. there is a lot that has been lost already. I need to find that... Plus, with it all out of the way, I can focus on packing MY stuff.
I have also volunteered all my nights at the Haunted House they are holding at the Rink. The Owner is giving the league $1.50 for every operson who comes through for our help and it's a great opportunity to make quite a bit of cash. Projected Thousands. Until the end of October, I have promised every night it's open except Sunday. Those Tuesdays it isn't? I went and promised to the Food Bank because I just don't feel like I do enough to help others. Bad timing for that.
I fear I have fucked myself with good intentions.
My house is a disaster. The Puppy Butt has been a pain in the butt trying to get my attention lately and I realized today how much he is feeling neglected and how he probably knew I was crumbly before I did and is trying to give and get at the same time. This is the nature of puppies.
I don't even want to talk about boys who, even when I am happy being single, still continue to confuse me. I do know I don't need that right now. I can barely handle it when my cup isn't overlfowing and making a mess on the floor. I probably confuse myself and thats normal for me. I would change that about myself if I could. Among other things. I'm sure I confuse them too. Maybe I'm misinterpreting. Maybe I'm reading too much into things. Maybe I should shut up while I'm ahead.
My business. My dear dream of a business. Moldering in the corner. I need to make sales but can't afford the little bit of money or time to go out and get them. Catch 22. I should stop worrying about it until after the move but then I will have completely missed the Christmas rush. I wanna tell myself to revisit it after the first of the year. But I fear that will be too late...
I need to restore balance. I WILL restore balance. I've got my big girl panties on and I am dealing with it. I'll get through this month and next and I'll be back on top. I know that. Thank goodness, as always, for the many people I do have supporting me. Loudly. Quietly. My landlord is willing to watch Chango while I move. Mandrew, Wifey and PDog have promised thier help moving. Bratty Duke periodically asks how things are going. Bella listens too. I am blessed by the people I have surrounded myself with and I know I am lucky to have them. They are keeping me sane. If I have ever been sane.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
There are few songs written or sung that bring tears to my eyes every time I hear them. The Star Spangled Banner. Isreal Kamakoele's version of "Over the Rainbow" (I'm tearing up just thinking of that one)Dolly Pardon's "Coat of Many Colors"
Monday, September 28, 2009
As the weeks have gone by since Hi5 moved, I've put much of it behind me with the strong exception of knowing that I don't want to become the person that I became ever again. My dear Wifey agrees. I want to keep the lessons.
No relationship, no matter how casual or serious should ever make you feel that unhappy. I will take ownership for allowing it.
I was surprised when Hi5 popped up on my instant messenger last week. I had figured that two weeks was long enough not to hear from someone to assume you aren't going to. I wasn't expecting an apology from him for the way he treated me and while I still take responsibility for allowing it, I appreciated and accepted hearing that knows he made a mistake.
I didn't ask about the rumors that still filter in; it seemed unnessesary although I am a bit curious. It doesn't matter though and if they aren't true, then it REALLY doesn't matter and if they are, knowing would only serve to make me feel badly about myself and the situation. During our chat, I didn't see any reason to bring it up. It could only hurt me.
The end of the conversation left me feeling really good about things. I was able to hear that perhaps my reactions were not unfounded and was able to tell him that I am in a really good emotional place as a result of what happened. Still.
Friday night though, Friday night things got weird again.
I was invited to Wifey's birthday party Friday night and I knew that it might be a little strange. I had not hung out with that group since Hi5 and I stared seeing each other. That was one of the things that I didn't discuss here. There had been an argument and I was basically "kicked off the island". I knew that the invite to the party meant that I was back on. It's a fun group, I missed them and I know it makes it easier on my wife when we all get along.
I arrived determined not to let the past get in the way of my present. I was not expecting another apology. I also forgot to expect to see the woman from the camping trip. When she walked through the door, my tummy did a little flip but I still said hello. I have never considered the drama to be her "fault".
The apology was for the initial set up. I appreciated it although I didn't really think it was needed. She said she didn't know he was such a bad guy. She repeated the rumors, and filled me in on a few things that I HAD asked about and was brushed off. Things that did have a ring of truth. Things that substanciated the rumors. There was so much that should have been communicated...
Camping lady came up during this time and told me that she was worried about there being weirdness between us. I was rescued from a continuation of this conversation by someone who needed to know where the guest room was. I patted her arm later. I don't want to discuss it with her. I want to move on.
To me, it's all water under the bridge. I bear no ill thoughts. Having it all brought up again made me feel dirty though. It's going to take some time for that to go away.
I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want it all to be in the past. I don't want to wonder anymore what the truth is, what was hidden, what sordid thing I was involved in without knowing. I want to keep moving forward, I want to keep feeling healthy mentally and emotionally. Whatever the truth is, I can't let it matter to me now. Hi5 has moved to Texas and I still wish him well. I hope he finds happiness there. I don't intend to see him again. Camping Lady will be a part of my world as long as I continue to be friends with her friends.
I don't want to need to talk about it here anymore either. I promised myself that I wouldn't. I don't want to be the girl that holds on far too long anymore. I think I've done a good job at that. Perhaps if things had been happier between us I might have been inclined to hold onto the idea of having him in my life again, but they weren't. And I don't want to still be talking about this in two years. Or two months. Or tomorrow.
I am hoping though, that statistically I am due for a drama free relationship. I know they are never completely drama free, but I'm tired of lies. I have dealt with a lot of them this year. Lies, rumors, drug use. I pray that the men of the greater Reno area have something better to offer.
Until then, I am still happy on my own. It's nice not to wonder when Mr Wonderful is going to wander across my doorstep because I just don't care if he does. I'm not feeling lonely, I'm not feeling needy, I'm feeling GOOD about myself and my life. Still
I get to attend my house inspection today.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I got approval from the bank on my house. Have my deposit check in hand, and have ordered the appraisal. I am starting to pack. Packing is daunting.
I have decided to sell my loom and extra wheel since I don't use the wheel and the loom is a bit beyond my abilities as a weaver right now. I would also like something smaller and more portable for storage and travel.
We had a bout on Sat. I skated well and was pleased to have family and friends there to cheer me on.
I should be packing more than I am but it's also nice to relax a bit.
I now (as of this afternoon) have a closing date.
I have the best damn dog ever
There are other things too on a more personal level but that, on another day. Or maybe later if I get some internet access after work
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
It's not like they seem to be in a hurry unless they are asking ME for something.
I am still confident. I am still feeling mellow about the process. Mostly. I told my seester that someone must have drugged my Sprite. I'm usually a mess about these things. Whatever drugs they are using, I wish they would make my back stop hurting.
One step at a time.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Right now I am considering how I am going to come up with the down payment. The frustrating part is that I have enough credit to cover it without coming near my credit limit, but the bank will not allow me to borrow money to borrow money. I am also aware of the first time buyers credit that would pay off that credit card with plenty left over. Once I am in the house. We are also starting PFP, which means quarterly bonuses for me if our warehouse does well.
what I am saying is that I'll look great financially in about 6 months. grr.
The Cookie Thief offered me a no interest loan for the amount I need. the temptation is there to take him up on his offer. There are a few hiccups in this deal.
First, I don't like to borrow from individuals especially family and friends. I worry that it would cause strain on the relationship. Coworkers is even worse. I fear the shadow it could cast over our heads.
Secondly, The Cookie Thief drives me nuts about 25% of the time. If I were indebted to him, I wouldn't feel free to be cranky at him when he is driving me nuts. Which is really where the whole "selling my soul" thing comes in. I would feel like I had to be nice all the time because of the great kindness he is offering me. I know I should be nice all the time anyway, but sometimes, I just can't because sometimes he's just out to be annoying.
If this is the solution that the universe is offering, I would be a fool to refuse it. Quandries. You know I hate 'em.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
"Myself", I replied. Then I flipped him off. I'm sure he had made some sort of snarkey comment making him deserve the gesture. It's all in good fun though. Mandrew is a friend.
The relay race was over. The other team pulled it in quicker and I am slowed by back pain. I knew as I sprinted that I'd be doing push ups for losing, and I knew I was the only one left since Doll Steak was back with her relay team before I even started.
But for me, the race was still on. It wasn't time to quit. I was the only one on the floor, but you know what? As long as I was still out there, it wasn't over. And there was no reason not to give it what I had (which honestly wasn't much). I could have coasted through, I could have quit as soon as I saw Doll Steak pass me going the other direction. It wouldn't have done me any good to quit without finishing. it would have negated all the hard work of the ladies that skated in front of me.
The point is, that life is really only a race against yourself. As a unique individual, there's NO WAY you can be exactly like someone else. You can learn lessons from them, you can emulate them in the search for similar success, but truly, when it comes down to it, you are alone and responsible for your own success. If you quit before you finish, you are only cheating yourself and anyone who might be looking to you for inspiration. You never know who is watching you
I came in last. I did my push ups. I stood up knowing that I should remember this lesson. I have some interesting times coming up. My offer was accepted and I still haven't quite figured out where the money for down payment will come from. I know I will find it though. The race wasn't over when I looked at my empty savings account. I have money stashed here and there; somehow, it will add up, I know it. I'm at a Bubbly Creations crossroads. I'm not sure where I will find the energy and time to make it happen, but I know I will. There was a moment recently when I thought the race was over, but I am confident that it isn't. I just wasn't giving it my all. Actually, I wasn't giving it anything.
I know Mandrew was teasing me when he asked who I was racing against. And I'm pretty damn sure he didn't expect that it would turn into a motivational speech on the importance of finishing the race. About pushing even when you are the only one running. Whatever. I'll take my inspiration wherever I can get it. Without that comment, I would have just come in last in the relay race.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Despite my hopes that he would end up staying, I really do wish him well. Happiness, success, all of it. We are still in contact; who knows what the future will bring?
Our short relationship threw a lot of things in sharp perspective for me. Although I like Hi5 as a person, I can't help but feel as though the situation brought out some of the worst in me. I in no way blame him for this, as he was being him, and I was being me, and I am quite certain that I have the capability to behave far worse than I did at any given moment during the last 3 months. Time and communication would have fixed much of that, but while we were both working on the comumunication aspect, it seems time was not a gift we had.
There was an unexpected gift though.
I finally realized that I am better off alone.
I'm not being mopey, I am not looking for sympathy, it's a good feeling. When there isn't a man in my life, things get done. I start businesses. I spend time with friends. I create and prosper emotionally. I feel secure in my place and with myself. I don't wait for the phone to ring or the email to ding. I don't wonder when I will have another date or whether that date will get cancelled. I can have a drink (or 5...) without crying in my SoCo. All the things that drive me nuts about myself? Those things don't happen. I mean, there's plenty about me that drives me crazy, but it's different, you know?
When I'm alone, my friends don't have to listen to my latest heartbreak and wonder why I keep trying when it is so blatently obvious why I shouldn't. (I will always try. I will always give it my all. If it doesn't work, it's not because I didn't try. I will not change that) They don't have to see the hurt in my eyes when I am dissapointed. again. (thank goodness for Wifey and her spare hankies!) And they don't have to go through the mopey period which has been known to last for months or, you know, years (ahem).
I'm looking forward to the next however long I am going to be without a man's presence in my life acting as more than a friend. I'm not going to go out looking for one.
I'm not going to give up, I still love men. I would still like to meet one with whom I can spend the next 50 to 70 years of my life.
But for goodness sake. Not at the expense of my already tenuous sanity. The right time, place, situation, won't make me crazy (in a bad way). It won't disrupt my life. I know because I have been in relationships that were easy. C and I quickly became inseperable. T and I never questioned what to do. B and I would talk and giggle for hours. Sure, each had his way of making me crazy, but it wasn't bad. mostly.
Better off alone.
Lets see how long I manage to hang on to this conviction.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
When I actually ASK for one though, I try to make it count. Like Hannah's health (we were able to raise over $150 for her this weekend! I am not even done with monkeys! YAY!). They are wavering on a diagnosis, but it is looking like ADEM, a condition in the MS spectrum. They started treating for it and she is responding positively. She's still sleeping though and if she doesn't improve more, they will have to send her away. Likely to San Francisco where she can get better care. Or when my Maddy was trying to arrive early, I prayed hard that she and my Seester would both be fine. and they ARE. And I love them.
When Hi5 took off to Dallas, I had a chat with the universe. I asked that the right job come along. I said that I understood if that right job was somewhere else because it's more important for him to support his family than it is for him to be near me. After all, I didn't know, don't know, whether we would actually work together even though I really wanted to find out.
He will be driving out for Chicago Wednesday or Thursday. I understand. I accept. I don't like it, but I do. It hurts, I'm disappointed, but for once, I recognize that there really are bigger forces at work. Do I hope that a better offer comes through in the next two days that will keep him in town? Of course. I am human, it's normal. Do I also understand that there's a reason, even if I don't know what it is, that he is being sent 1500 miles away? Yeah. Whether you are faithful or not, I am comforted by this.
Expect more on this say, Thursday or Friday. I will do my best not to dwell on it much past then. Not here anyway.
In other, less depressing news, I put an offer in on a house yesterday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. the bank is taking the highest and best offer. I offered $5000 more than the list price and still stayed under my limit. I think it is worth the amount I offered so I am feeling confident. Also, because I offered more that $125,000, I qualified for a program that will contribute 3.5% towards my closing costs. I'm taking the Que Cera attitude. I like the house, it would be awesome to live in a place where I can put the leaf in my table and still walk into the kitchen. (without knocking over the bird cage) And the 2 car garage would be fantastic. But like Pam used to tell us before every pageant. "what is meant for you will not go by you" Those pageants taught me that I don't actually know what is meant for me, so I had to learn to have faith that the right thing would happen for me. If not this one, another.
Friday, August 21, 2009
I am back on the house hunt. the housing market in my area is such that I can purchase a larger home (TWO CAR GARAGE!!!) for less than what I pay in rent. My realtor is understanding about my needs and is helping me to find something considerably lower than what I can afford in a neighborhood where I can feel secure. AND she has instructions to slap me if I start showing interest in another dump. We all know that I love a challenge and a home improvement project, but this time around I am looking closely at whether or not I can live with the changes that need to be made until I can afford to make them, and whether I can actually afford to DO the things that need to be done.
I looked at one yesterday that has promise. I like the fruit trees, and the grass just needs water. It has a sprinkler system which will help me alot since i don't have one now and tend to forget to water. Or i water for a really long time in one spot. Inside it appears that it needs paint, linoleum in the kitchen, and new cabinets. Or repaired cabinets. there were a few other things too, but those were the big ones. I can live with the missing tiles on the hearth (I think it would be an excellent opportunity to learn some tile work!) and the purple bedroom. the home comes with a two year warranty.
Yesterday was my first day out looking. And there are a lot of really great houses out there. So although she is going to inquire about the one above, I am not going to decide I HAVE to have it because I might see something better next week. I'm also not sure where I am getting money for down payments, earnest money, and closing costs, but I will cross those bridges when I come to them. I think this is one of those things that maybe you are never completely ready for. That sometimes you just have to jump and pray and trust.
I am waiting patiently for Hi5 to come home tomorrow and yet I am doing my best not to get my hopes up that I will actually see him this weekend. We have been in contact nearly every day since he left (even if only a quick hello on Yahoo Messenger) which has been enough to keep me satisfied about my spot in his world. Mostly, anyway. I dislike a bit, that I have been "waiting patiently" for anyone to return to my general vicinity, but I am interested in seeing where things go next. I'm not a fan of suspense. I don't like to wait and see. But I am learning to do just that. There are many lessons I am larning from this situation and for that, I am greatful.
I look up all day every day to a quote on my board that says, "Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end"
good to know.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I'm pretty sure that they have ruled out MS at this point. She definately has Acute Encephylitis (sp?) Still bad, but from what I have been told, she is improving. I have not visited her because it just upsets her. We are pitching in in other ways though, cleaning her house and doing laundry.
For those of you interested, I am making monkeys. they will be on my site as soon as they are done and I will be giving her family the money to help with hospital fees. No guilt, no pressure. Some of you had mentioned wanting monkeys. They will be up in the next few days. I will let you know when they are, and you can go take a look.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
For those that are mobile, this is not a great accomplishment. For me, who spent the first 30 years of my life in the same city/county it's something to note. My friends, when I left, said I would be back in a year. It took two to start thinking about it, and I admit that I have.
It's been hard to be away from my family. We make arrangements, but knowing that I can't just pop on over and visit has struck a blow. Add my darling neice to the arrangement and it's as if I have developed a hole in my heart. A giant, achy hole.
These last couple of months have been tough too. There are things I haven't talked about and things about which I have said too much. With all the frustration that swirled around NG (Now to be known here, as he is known at work, as Hi5) and around Derby, I thought seriously about packing up and going back. Then, when I was done feeling sorry for myself, I realized that the issues that I have here I will have there. And what I don't have there is a job and a home.
Things are not how I expected when I moved here. the job that brought me here didn't work out. I've had my heart broken. I haven't bought a house. Poo has moved away. I still don't have a library card.
And yet, I have so much. I love my job. I'm reimmersing myself in my business. I'm shrinking out of my size 8's and not for lack of lucky charms and booze in my diet. roller derby fills a need for friendship and exercize that I have never found before. Puppybutt. I'm going tomorrow with a group of gals to watch Shakespeare. I'm going camping with another group this weekend. (some overlap) I have Autfest and mudwrestling coming up.
Busy busy. And yet, I read two books this week. I can't afford to keep buying them so I'm off to the library for a card. TODAY. Unlike last time I tried to get one, I can prove that I live here! My garden is growing. Not just literally, but figuratively too.
It's a nice feeling, when you finally look up from the grindstone and realize just how happy and utterly full you are. (except for that hole where my family goes...Thankgiving can't possibly come soon enough)
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Monday, August 03, 2009
Sure, there were some really great moments. The wallpaper in my bathroom is about halfway stripped and I am looking forward to finishing that up in the next couple days and getting it painted. The back yard still looks great! compared to what it looked like at this time last week...
I'm still practicing patience but at least the uniform issue is mostly resolved; I don't have to deal with that vendor anymore. I will be happier when the teams have thier shirts and everything out of my hands, but you wouldn't believe the stress I went through trying to get that covered. It's a long story, and I don't want to get into it here, just know that my stress level at this time last week was considerable.
This week feels fresh and new and I'm ready to face it with a positive attitude.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Today, I had the following conversation with the Cookie Thief...
CT: What happened to your arm?
Me (looking at my shoulder where he was pointing): Oh, that's my Two. (permenant marker takes awhile to fade)
CT: No Right there
Me: Oh, I'm always that color
CT: No, right there, did you get punched? your arm is all swollen!
Me (laughing): that's my muscles.
CT: But it looks swollen!
Me: Now you know why I don't lift weights.
I'm still laughing.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I hate being wrong; and I was, reagrdless of my reasons and excuses; and I hate not knowing what happens next.
Somewhere though, this morning, there was a glimmer of wisdom lighting the recesses of my brain. I went looking for one quote and found two.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Funny how they were together. And it's not so much that I am feeling inferior, just unabashedly wrong. I can't fix it and I can't heal it and that frustrates me all the more. The person I need to make this right is not available to me right now and my assumptions on what he is thinking and feeling are assumptions. Conjecture being what got me into this mess in the first place. Or, I should say, the public airing of conjecture and frustration being what got me in this mess in the first place.
I have not yet lived through this particular horror. I have no doubt that I will. I also believe that I will be a better person for it. I hope so anyway. I try to learn from my mistakes.
I might be continuing to make this one by continuing to write publically about the fact that a situation occurred, but this is my outlet. My therapy. This is the place I go when I need to get thoughts out of my head. But instead of writing out my frustration about someone else, I am choosing to look at myself.
I must have been due for another long look at who I have become.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Then I recieved a message from him informing me that he had a previous engagement that he had forgotten about. That he was sorry, he just isn't good at planning. And please call when I was done.
I replied that it wasn't ok. that it had been important to me that he be there. That I was upset but that I was not going to compete with his family. Thankfully, Wifey had an extra hankie.
Since I am a doormat, I sent him a message letting him know about the after party, what time, and where. He showed. Which made me feel a bit better, though not completely. He's sill on thin ice but knows it.
Tune in for the next installment...
Friday, July 24, 2009
I have just a couple of things. One may not make sense because I just need to get it out.
Sometimes, I read things on the internet that hurt me. They have nothing to do with me and should make me happy for the persons involved, but instead, they make me cry a little inside. For many many reasons. This is why twitter and blogging can be bad.
Where NG is concerned, things are where they have always been. Except I have expressed a need for them to change. His kids have returned to their home and he still has no time to spend with me. This time because his brother is still in town. The girls say it sounds like he is seeing someone else too and I cannot argue with them. I have begun to wonder myself. Which means it is likely true. I deserve better than that. If he isn't seeing someone else, then I still deserve better than what I am getting. I told him we both needed to make more of an effort; I have been busy too. I started right away. He doesn't seem to be trying yet. But it's only been a couple of days. After 2 months of seeing each other (rarely) I'm thinking I'd rather be completely single than dangling. Waiting. Stressing. I deserve better than that too. Not because I am all-wonderful, but because I am a human being.
I have a bout tomorrow. I mentioned it to him several times and got a non committal response. when a mutual friend mentioned it, he said he didn't see any reason why he wouldn't be able to go.
I'm done if he doesn't show.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Hot Doctors make it all worthwhile. Note my phone. the texting and twittering never stopped.
Neither did the laughter and the fun. Or the making fun which is why we are indeed going to hell. But we will be in good company. And I will consider myself blessed, even in hellto have her company.
I'm sprained again. With a vicodin prescription that I haven't filled yet although people keep asking me for one. (NO) (BTW, not impressed with the vicodin. it wired me up and then I couldn't sleep. And while my knee wasn't hurting, the ankle still was. What kind of pain pill only cuts one pain-spot?) I don't know if I will be able to bout; I don't want to injure myself further. And it's gonna suck to watch my team skate without me. i suppose it doesn't hurt to pray for fast healing. But I am already blessed in so many ways...