Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Shitty, actually.

In my mind, I am not at work but curled up in some dark corner wondering what will happen next and feeling like an asshole for hurting someone. But what is done is done and all I can do is move forward and see what happens next.

I hate being wrong; and I was, reagrdless of my reasons and excuses; and I hate not knowing what happens next.

Somewhere though, this morning, there was a glimmer of wisdom lighting the recesses of my brain. I went looking for one quote and found two.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Funny how they were together. And it's not so much that I am feeling inferior, just unabashedly wrong. I can't fix it and I can't heal it and that frustrates me all the more. The person I need to make this right is not available to me right now and my assumptions on what he is thinking and feeling are assumptions. Conjecture being what got me into this mess in the first place. Or, I should say, the public airing of conjecture and frustration being what got me in this mess in the first place.

I have not yet lived through this particular horror. I have no doubt that I will. I also believe that I will be a better person for it. I hope so anyway. I try to learn from my mistakes.

I might be continuing to make this one by continuing to write publically about the fact that a situation occurred, but this is my outlet. My therapy. This is the place I go when I need to get thoughts out of my head. But instead of writing out my frustration about someone else, I am choosing to look at myself.

I must have been due for another long look at who I have become.

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