Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Thanks to a nap and treating myself to a dinner of steak and lobster last night, not to mention my monthly meetup with the Bad Girls of Craft who never fail to perk me up, I am back to my "normal" self today. Thank you for joining me on my neurotic journey. Hopefully I will get the hang of this whole dating thing and start waiting until at least the third date before I have meltdowns. Because that? was all rather silly.

And now, back to gratuitous half nakid pictures of Daniel Craig.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Diver Dan has decided that I will make a very good friend. sigh. oh well. That's dating, I guess.

Hey look! a half nakid picture of Daniel Craig!!

The good thing about having all this nervous energy is that

I am very productive today, trying to find reasons not to be at my desk perseverating over nonexistant emails


I headed off to ( seems to be down today)and accidentally found the above picture to make me all swooney and give me something ELSE to think about.

men. they kill me.

I hate this part

So, yesterday, it was chat chat chat, all day long. Today I had hoped to see an email, but nothing. Then I decided that I was being silly by waiting and as I would like to see Diver Dan again, I emailed him saying so. "I hope", said I, "that I won't be so nervous next time that I have to sit on my hands to keep them from flapping about all willy nilly"

The waiting begins. I hate suspense. In between the "maybe he wants to see me again too" and "If he's not interested, oh well, right?" sits a rather high strung individual who's heart just can't take it.

Monday, November 27, 2006

The date

He was, just as cute as his pictures, has lovely eyes and captivating dimples. (are men supposed to have captivating anything??)

I had a really nice time.

I was very nervous and at one point went ahead and sat on my hands so that they would stop waving about. Actually, I did this several times. The first time I did it, I found food under my leg.

He seemed really interested in the things I like to do, which I glazed over a bit because I am convinced that other people don't find them as interesting as I do.

Did I mention that I was really nerrvous? And that I am all wound up? Thats bad because I am tired too.

We went out for dessert and I couldn't fit between the table and chair. That was a little embarassing, but since I know it isn't a fat issue, but a cramped desserterie issue, I was able to laugh it off.

I'm glad I didn't eat more, I'm really full.

He said he had a good time. I don't know what happens next. I'm really not very good at this dating thing. I don't know what to do with myself.

Nothing more to report.

For this you have been banned

Sorry Orlando, you're off the list until you lose the hat.

1. Daniel Craig
2. Josh Dumahl
3. Tom Welling
4. Ryan Reynolds
5. Leonardo Dicapprio
6. John Schnieder
7. Jet Li
8. John Spanos (oh come on. He's Single and my age. who knows? he might google himself and call me. I don't care if he's a workaholic)

Toby Keith is apparently an ass. I've decided Nick isn't so great after all. That was short lived.

In other news I think I have a date tonight (if we can decide where to eat) with a man who will be referred to as Diver Dan if we hit it off in person, as an ode to Finding Nemo which might be as close to his love of Scuba as I will ever get. Terrified, you know. We'll see. on one hand, I'm excited. On the other, wary. Very wary. Not because he seems strange, he seems fairly normal thus far, but because of the ever present past. There are some recent situations that still haunt my present and although I try to put them aside, when I think about the whole internet dating thing, well, there it is.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Almost run over. Again

I'm thinking that something needs to change in regards to California traffic rules. You see, to get to my home from alomst anywhere but my regular job, I have to get on the highway. Not the freeway, with it's wide expanses of open lanes, but the highway. 2, sometimes 3 lanes of closely packed traffic (ok, not really all that closely packed), often large motorhomes with trailers heading to and from the California desert or river, depending on whether I am looking at a toy box or a trailer.

At least once a week I am nearly run off the road by people in the right hand lane. Blindsided because although I look before I leap, I can't always see them barreling forth at high speeds. The on ramps are not long. I try to adjust my speed when travelling in that lane so that the people getting on the freeway can merge safely. I know I have the right of way, but I also know that I don't have to take it if it is unsafe. Today I was forced onto the shoulder as first the motorhome, and then the 25 ft trailer it was towing passed me by.

My heart beating fast, I was able to merge into traffic safely after it was gone. Split second difference, and I could have been dead. Don't get me started on all the times this happens with semi trucks...

Friday, November 24, 2006

Takes on Thanks

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because I get to spend so much time with my family. But like any family tradition, ours definately has it's quirks.

My Aunt and Uncle are generous enough to host Thanksgiving every year. They have a nice home about 50 miles from where I live and although it seems like a long trek, I don't mind going. Especially when I consider the fact that my cousin drives from Saramento, my other Aunt and Uncle come in from Carson City, and my sister from LA.

I think it was last year, though, when things started to get a little odd. My sister asked if she could invite an "orphan" couple (the term orphan being used to describe people who do not have available family to spend the holiday with) with whom she and her husband are very close friends. These folks are like family to us. She was told that there was not enough room to accomodate any additional people. Although I can't remember for certain, I may also have asked to bring a friend but was turned down. My mom asked what she and her then fiancee could bring and was asked to provide cash, $40 to help cover the expenses and meat. My mom and her fiancee are vegetarians and are unable to eat 60% of the Thanksgiving fare.
Durning dinner, my Aunt's brother in law loudly complained that Grace was not said. Being a mixed group, we don't often say grace, although my grandfather will often do so at smaller functions. This action caused a lot of confusion and hurt feelings, especially since I don't recall this man ever attending the festivities before. After dinner, my Grandmother requested some leftovers for sandwiches the next day and was refused, on the grounds that my Aunt likes LOTS of leftovers.

This year, my Aunt requested that I bring or (gasp!!) buy an apple pie. (I never buy apple pie. I MAKE apple pie. I'm very proud of the compliments I get on my apple pie. I don't eat it, but I hear it's very tasty) And be there about noon, as we would be eating early. Rare occation (for a party), I was late. The moms were all in the kitchen (except mine, who was running late as usual, but in her defense, she had to work yesterday morning) and I dropped my pie where I was told, and gave my Aunt the coffee I had brought as a nicey-nice. I thought she might appriciate it, but she acted as though she didn't really want it. (my Uncle, on the other hand, seemed very happy to hear that I had brought free harbucks) I then wandered around looking for someone to talk to. I'm in an awkward spot in the family. I'm not a sibling or wife, I'm a neice. But not a young neice. There are two sets of kids in my family.I call them the older set and the younger set. My Sister, Cousin, and I are the older set, being 33, 31, and 29. The younger set consists of my Sister and Brother, younger cousins and my older cousin's kids, all of whom are 20,18,16,14,10,8, and 5. Of the older set, I am the only one not married. I never really know quite where I belong at these functions. Since my sister and cousin were not there, I was a little lost.
Fast forward to turkey carving time. I took my customary place at the carcass and nimbly picked while my uncle carved. Suddenly, my aunt had something for me to do. By the time I was done, so was my uncle, and she was able to save the bones from my nibbling fingers (why, after 20 or so years of picking the bones it is suddenly not ok is beyond me. But the attitude was such, believe me. It's not like I was eating anything that could have gone on the platter.)
We started eating, despite the fact that my mom had not arrived (she was stuck in traffic. She made sure that she called with periodic updates) and about 5 minutes later, the Brother in Law was asked if he would like to say grace. He replied, "Why yes. I had thought we were going to be heathens and forget that it is Thanksgiving!" I will offer that the grace he gave was very nice, but I almost responded that I like being a heathen. We all give thanks in our own way, and I like to think that despite my religious leanings, I am thankful for the good life that I lead and all the blessings I am given. I'm not so sure that next year I will be able to control my mouth. Maybe it's a good thing it was full of mashed potatoes during grace.
My mom and brother arrived a few minutes later. Things were normal until dessert where we were served my my Aunt's sister who, it turns out, was licking her fingers and the cutlery in between pie pieces. for some reason, we were not allowed to serve ourselves.
It turns out that my mom was asked to bring money again. My Aunt's sister took home leftovers. We left feeling like we weren't altogether welcome. All of us.
We congregated on the condo that my Aunt and Uncle obtained for my grandparents (which is very nice of them. this is the second year they have provided this, and it is noce to know that my grandparents are comfortable during thier stay) where we all tried to puzzle out the eveninga nd the feeling we all get from it. Next year, my mom wants to have dinner at her house and invite all our orphans. The more the merrier, as it should be.
I don't know what will happen. I know that I will go along with whatever my family does because I don't want to miss out on any time with them. I just hope that next year I leave feeling a bit more like I am welcome the next year. and not like an annoying inconvienece.

I'm finally sleepy again.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

Hopefully I will be able to come up with a suitable picture for HNT today. It's not that I've run out of ideas, it's just that I took some pictues while I was still in bed this morning, and they looked like shit. So I am not feeling particularly photogenic at the moment. Maybe after I wash my face.

I decided yesterday, once and for all, that I have a love/hate relationship with the self checkout at the grocery store. On one hand, it is fast and easy to use when I am in a hurry and only have one or two things to buy. On the other hand, Other people see it s an opportunity to play "store" and go through with a basketload. Then they can't figure out how to use the damn thing.

I admit that it's frustrating when it insists that you have not placed your items in the bag. But if you can't figure out how to scan your 10 pound ham, then maybe you should go ahead and have someone do it for you.

It never fails that I ge stuck behind the person who fucks up the machine so badly that the attendant has to come over. And you KNOW that attendant is sick of fixing those machines all day.

But I know that the next time I need something, I'm going to walk next door and exit through the self checkout. I like to play "store" too.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

chickie wanted to see the kid

She's in the other room talking and oinking at me right now because she knows I'm home and she knows I will oink back... (snort snort snort)

Pussy Pushers and other fine stories

A woman came into my store the other night. I couldn't hear what she was saying to my cohort, but they turned to me, and just as the steamer stopped steaming asked, "What about you?"

"I'm sorry, I could not hear you", I replied
"Do you want to adopt a cat?"

I explained to her that I don't have time for a kitty. She suggested that I get two. I explained to her that I don't think it right that I should get another cat while the ones I gave away still live. She agreed. then suggested that I rescue a couple of cats. I explained about how I am rarely home and do not think it right to adopt pets that I won't be around to take care of. She argued with me through the entire making of her drink and then a few minutes after.

After she left, I was reminded of a promise I had made to myself about not offering explainations. Putting that into practice is harder than I thought. Damn pussy pushers.

Still not enchanted with online match making. What part of 27 to 35 year old non christian within 20 miles doesn't make sense? I can say that one man that I have expressed interest in actually returned my email and we have been chatting these last couple of days.

After reading this post:

written by my friend Craig's friend, I started to rethink my strict stance on the whole "considers himself Christian" thing. then I got home and had a run in with another man on Match and well...Tis not to say that if I met someone who called himself such but had an open mind, like Joel (who was cute, actually, but that is neither here nor there), you know, someone like me who believes more than his label describes, that I wouldn't give it a shot. After all, I don't really want to date someone who is REALLY REALLY into Wicca either. Perhaps the time has come for me to discribe myself as "Spritual, not religious".

I guess it's all a moot point either way. At leat I am giving it a try.

I had more to say, but I have forgotten what it was. I am off to price new cages for the kid. It would be kind of nice to get something that rolls so she can move from room to room with me. I know that would make her happier. (she does not like to be picked up or carried, but she doesn't like it when I am not inthe room either.)

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Maybe it really is me

I get this answer a lot. First when I was looking for someone on MySpace, and now, today, on Match.

Here's the thing. I have a hard time confronting people, so when they act interested, I'll talk to them just so that I don't have to hurt their feelings by saying I am not interested. I've learned that that's not such a good thing (see entries on Pot Guy) So when I get an email, and I am not interested, I have been trying to reply that I am not interested. The problem may be that I give a reason.

So, this guy, who's profile lists him in Pomona, writes me. And I reply, with a thank you. but you live too far away. So he writes back, telling me that he actually lives in my area. I look at his profile again and see two deal breakers. One, he's Catholic, and two, he has kids. So I reply that his faith and mine are not compatible, explaining that it has a lot to do with the way that I do or don't want my kids to be raised (Biker Bob and I had this conversation once), and the fact that he already has kids and I don't think that I am ready to deal with that, being that I am only just getting comfortable with the idea of having my own maybe someday.

Perhaps I should have skipped the secondary reasons and just told him flat out that I am not attracted to him. Or just said "no thanks" , which I have done a couple of times.

Here is what he had to say:

"Well thank's for your comment's, I'm sure I will be better of anyway's. Why even be on at all, Wait don't answer that you probably have answer for everything that is thrown your way. Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I also think it is important to give a guy the benefit of a "no thank you" if I am not interested because I know that I don't like to be left dangling. Goodness knows, I have winked at quite a few men and while they have looked at my profile, none of them have said eiher way whether they are interested. and that's a little frustrating.

All in all, I know it's only been 3 days since i joined, but I am SO not impressed.

I just saw

the new James Bond Movie and it was AWESOME. i'm not even all that into Bond, but this was great.

And now that I have seen it I will have to revise my top ten list, which I haven't done in awhile. So I am off to search my old posts to see who was on it before.

Ok, I'm back. It started out looking like this:

1.Orlando Bloom
2.Colin Firth
3.Jimmy Fallon
4. Jet Li
5. Ryan Reynolds
6. leonardo DiCapprio

then I added the following:

1. Orlando Bloom
2. Peter Krause
3. Toby Keith
4. (jimmy fell off at some point) Ryan Reynolds
4. Leo

Then something got all screwey so here is the current list:

1. Daniel Craig (Who I had never seen before but who made me go all giggly and bashful. He quite really took my breath away.)
2. Josh Dumahl
3. Tom Welling
4. Ryan Reynolds
5. Leonardo DiCapprio (who really is the original celebrity crush. And he's looking really good again)
6. Orlando Bloom (fell because he's gotten too skinny and he's been seen smooching on some really skanky ladies of late)
7. Toby Keith
8. John Schneider
9. Nick Lachey (come on, you know he's hot.)

Saturday, November 18, 2006

I figured it out

How catches ypu. All those winks lead to emails which you can't read unless you are a member. So you sign up, and start sending emails to people who can't read them uness they are a member...

I also saw that the men looking for a woman like me are overwelmingly over 40. I also saw (totally by accident) that C and I, according to Match, are 95% compatible. Which would explain why we got along so well. But things happen, and life happens and dating websites don't take into account personal issues and baggage. I would like to to see a percentage on T and I. Part of me thinks it would be very high. Part of me would hope that it is low so that I could see past this cloud that envelopes me where he is concerned.

I don't talk about it here. I still hurt over it. I try every day to get past it, I try to meet other men, I keep myself busy, but it always circles around. It's amazing how you can be with someone for such a short time and be so profoundly affected. It was a very short time. And in the present? he writes when he can. I have not seen him in 6 months, and any time conversation starts to take a turn for the risque, I end it. Because I'm already caught in a trap and I know it's a dead end street.

I try so hard that I spent three months of my life spending time with a man with whom I knew I had no future, but I tried to make one anyway. I became "that girl" who stayed because it was better than being alone. Who stayed because the attention was nice. He gave me just enough to keep me around. a kiss once or twice a week, a caress of my ankle while I read. We had just enough fun times to make me think that it could be better.

I don't know what is worse. Longing for someone who doesn't want you, or being with someone who drives you crazy so that you don't have to be alone. Both hurt my soul.

I long for something healthy and real.But when it comes down to it, I look around and think that life is good and that adding someone else to the equation is more trouble than it's worth. And then I think, well I just have to find someone who is worth it. and that damned voice. the one I fight every day to banish from my brain. The one that has attached itself like a parasite. One with a symbiotic hold on my heart feeding me hope and causing misery whispers, "I thought I had".

Friday, November 17, 2006

But I like her

It's difficult to get past popular opinion sometimes. I find this especially difficult at work.

At my regular job, there is a woman who I generally describe as a bulldozer. Very focused, the woman knows how to get things done, and done well. But she's so focused that she doesn't seem to worry about how she presents things, she just does it. There are many that I work with that don't like her.
I think she's nice. She and I have never run amok, and she' constantly suggessting ways that I can better my business and inviting me up to her ranch to collect hers and things. She doesn't have to do that.
I think popular opinion is starting to wear on her. When I ran into her today, she wasn't as friendly. I smiled and said hello, and although she responded, she just didn't seem as "up" as I am used to seeing her. and I got the distinct impression that she knows that people don't care for her.
I still maintain that she is a nice lady. That she means well, she just has a great deal of focus. I hope she doesn't hear it when they say, "Im glad she's gone" when she leaves the room. I know she feels the attitude.

At Harbucks, there are a couple of people that the others don't like. and I will admit that some of those people come across as being pretty useless at times. But I know that I am not perfect, and that it is a difficult job to learn. High stress, and a lot of details. There's one in partcular that I really enjoy working with. And she is perhaps the most disliked of all. Persons who I started out respecting a bit fell in my eyes when they said, loud enough for her to hear, that they didn't like her, two seconds after being "nice" to her.
It makes me wonder what they say about me when I am not there,despite how nice they are when I am there. Maybe this woman rubs people the wrong way, but I don't think that she is the sort of person who would be difficult for the sake of being difficult. There are two sides to every story and I don't think my coworkers are taking that into account. So I try to make sure that I tell her that I have fun working with her because at least then she will know that someone likes her. It's not false, I really do.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Another HNT

I had to take my shoes off to take the picture. Now my toes are a little cold.

Meanwhile, so that I could look at a fellow that my cousin met, I signed up with I wasn't interested in him (not attracted, plus he lives far away) but I took the time to fill out my information anyway. I got winked at! Which was flattering, although one of the fellows reminded me of Biker Bob enough that I crossed him off right away. Not lookswise, Biker Bob is far more attractive than that guy, but in other ways. The other guy lives far away. I winked at a couple of fellows, (oh hey! My downsized documents live over there! I wondered where they go! Sorry. Still learning the new computer) and after I sent the first one it took me a couple of minutes to recover from the fit of blushing. Jeez. And C came up on my search. I was tempted to look at his profile to see if we "match", but I decided that it would be weird. I also thought about sending him a wink, for fun, and since he will read this eventually, he's gonna tell me I should have, but I didn't. I just talked to him an hour ago anyway.

I was pondering something very interesting today, but now, of course, I can't remember what it was.

I looked up my dietary needs on the Food website, and found that I eat really bad according to them. But I look at other people's diets and think that I can't be THAT bad. I don't know. I am going to do the best that I can not to overindulge on the things I like best, like cookies and steak fries. Yesterday was the first day I ate lunch at my desk instead of in the cafe. I felt kind of bad, but I did explain to our admin why, and she seemed to understand. She agreed that Bug Guy often eats badly. And Coworker agreed that he uses me as an excuse to eat the "good" food instead of the healthy stuff he is supposed to be eating.

I'm thinking I want to create a business blog. I'd love comments on it. There, I could keep track of where my batches are and post updates on upcoming events far quicker than I can by mailing postcards. I don't have the ability to post verbiage on the website, only change the products around and post pictures (better that way, I don't speak HTML). And I could reach a far larger audience that way. Then, too, perhaps I wouldn't talk shop here quite so much. And Rich wouldn't have to reconcile the prim office talk with the photos of my boobs.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Yes Virginia, I am a hypocrite

So, today at lunch, as per usual, Bug Guy took it upon himself to get steak fries. When he sat down next to me and my edamame, he made sure, as he does every day, that those delicious morsels were pointed at me. That is, he turned his plate so that I could access them easily. I protested as usual. I have been known to turn his plate around since I know I will not reach across his plate to get them. He usually turns it right back around and into my reach. I reminded Bug Guy that I don't want them, don't need them, and that he knows I will eat them if they are available. His reply?

"I'm just thinking of you!" To which I snapped, "No, you aren't"

He turned his plate around and, to my credit, I managed to avoid eating any fries with my healthy lunch. Then I proceeded to return to my desk and eat all the cookies that I brought in this morning. They were at my house for two days and I only had one or two. Apparently, having food at my desk is a bad thing.

I think that part of the reason I get so upset with Bug Guy is that he has a weight issue too. (He had a stomach bypass surgery not long after I met him) He knows that he shouldn't be eating all that junk food, and yet he does. And he encourages me in it too. He talks about eating healthier, always adding that we'll do it together. In January. But I know that January never comes. I am supposed to be in his wedding next August, and I would like to be wearing a size 8 by then, That's a couple of sizes down from where I am, and I know that it is up to me to get there. I also know that if junk food is there, I will eat it.

I'm pretty good about it. I don't buy chips, I don't frequent fast food places (last week's House Burger binge was a rarity I don't plan to repeat). I don't drink very much soda (maybe once or twice a month) and I limit my ice cream. I do have a weakness for cookies. But I try not to buy them because I know I will eat them. I have also started bringing my lunch to work because the food there is notoriously fattening. I am also better at controlling my portions that way.

I have explained this all to Bug Guy. I know that last time I complained of this you guys said that he is only trying to be nice. But would it be nice to set a glass of wine in front of a recovering alcoholic and encourage them to take a sip?

I really feel as though I am Bug Guy's excuse to splurge. To eat the things that he wants because he's "sharing with me" or "buying them for me". He knows that he is not supposed to eat that stuff, but he does it anyway. Sharing with me makes it "ok" in his eyes. It helps both of us that I have been bringing my own lunch. Then we are less likely to order a cheese burger, and he has been getting salads here and there. (today it was nachos and steak fries) But I was thinking today that I would be doing myself a favor by eating at my desk. (sans cookies. Those are rather rare, actually) Changing my behavior is the only way to reach my goals, and if eating with Bug Guy is too much temptation, then I think it is best if I don't.

I feel kind of bad ditching him, but at the same time, I have to wonder if it wouldn't be better in other ways too. I am VERY tired of constant wedding updates. Honestly, my sister didn't talk about her wedding this much, and I was her maid of honor! Every day it's the bridesmaid dresses, the center pieces, the venue. Yesterday when he told me that he had to sit at the wedding dress store on Saturday, I flat out asked him if he had given "them" to his fiancee to keep for him. I'm excited for him, his fiancee is a really great lady, but I can't think of a polite way to tell him I'm tired of it. When it isn't weddings, it's parties, which inevitably comes around to the one time he and I went out and about. I don't generally talk about my outings at work except with certain people, so I don't like being reminded that I was drunk that night. Then he starts in on how I was dancing on tables, which I wasn't, and on to dancing with this guy Israel, who, although I danced near him, I wasn't all rubbing up against him or anything. Eew. But the connentations are there. And it makes me uncomfortable. I do not want to portray myself as a party girl at work. I'm really not one. And I don't think it is professional.

I guess it all boils down to wanting to be nice, but not wanting to be uncomfortable. It was HARD not to indulge in just one fry. Ok two. Three isn't that bad as long as I don't eat four, dang, well I might as well eat five, and hey that one looks especially good, I swear I'll stop at ten...

Monday, November 13, 2006

The best laid plans

So, this morning I was feeling grumpy and underappriciated by the manager at work who expects me to deliver the world, yesterday. But as the day wore on, and I was very busy, I got over my initial pissiness and was just happy to be constantly busy. Really. So much that i feel like I didn't get anything accomplished today.

THEN, after work, I went to the floral shop who's owner I met the other day at my open house, and, I am all giddy, not because I have serious potential for sales to her business, but because I made a new friend. The kind where we just spent an hour chatting and giggling and comparing stories about that it is like to be in your late twenties and single, and oh my aren't men a pain in the butt.
She's the kind of person I will never feel weird abot popping in to visit. I haven't felt this "new friend" joy in a long time. I don't make friends easily. Partially because I don't get out of my usual circles much, and partially because I am very picky about who I allow into my inner self. Most people are kept at a disance. Not so, her. Or her mom, who was also at the store. So now I am all fired up, and it feels really great.

Sunday, November 12, 2006


I seem to have gotten over my writer's block, and I started a lengthy post all about my grandparents, who they are, how blessed I am to have known so many of my recent ancestors and their husbands and such. And then I realized that the post was getting boring. Stale. Uninteresting. Even to me.

So I deleted at all and started thinking about the core of my grandparental musings.

Last week, we almost lost Grandma. Grandma has always been exceptionally healthy. She may have Leukemia, but it's a form that is pretty benign, so it is just there. Like a little rain coud. But last week, last week was scary. She was getting ready for church when she started experiencig chest pains. Pains that radiated down her arm, so she said to Grandpa, "I'm not going today". And he took her to the hospital.

They found three blockages and put stints in them all. But the Dr said that she would have had a massive heart attack and died within a week had she not gone in.

And I thought about how horrible and empty life would be without her. My mom headed out to AZ to be with her, and they had a wonderful time just relaxing and being together. I talked to her last night and she sounded great. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't have her number and had to get it from my mom.

I nagged my mom about taking it easy too. It's been almost a year since we almost lost her. When she dropped dead from exhaustion and stress. (I think of it like a video game charactor that ran out of life energy because they were fighting too much. thankfully, it didn't take too long for her life points to be restored)

Life is so delicate. and so easy to take for granted. I can only hope that I will take this opportunity to be a better granddaughter.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Listen to your heart

When he's calling for you....

So my heart told me that today would be a total flop and it wasn't total, but pretty darn close. I'm thankful though, that I had friends there to keep me company. Shop was open from 10 to 6, I had a total of 5 customers, (6 if you count Celine) all of whom came around 1. I have not yet counted my spoils for the day. My grandparents were my biggest customers.
However, not one to give up, I will research better options for venue next year (borrow a house?) and advertise better. maybe I will post pictures of my boobs around town. I did make a contact of the woman who owns the floral shop down the street, and hopefully she will help me get to know the local businesses and service groups around town. I have patronized the local businesses, I just have not met the owners.

I can't decide if I want to watch "Cars" or go to bed. I should put stuff away. The pumpkin bread was fantastic. Fan freaking tastic. mmm.

Late night blogging

It's 2 am. I should be in bed. I have a big day ahead of me. I hope.

I had so much to say. I wanted to discuss the whole Biker Bob thing. What happened, all the things I didn't say while it was going on, but I still have the fear that he pops in once in awhile, and I have no intention of hurting him. I'm just not that kind of person. not when I can help it. It would be very difficult to read the thoughts of the woman you have been dating, and know all the things that she didn't feel comfortable saying. Blogs can hurt. We bare our souls here, and sometimes, it's raw and uncensored. There are things I would like to say here that I wouldn't say in real life. There are things I do say here. But that situation? strange and awkward, and a story that is bubbling over inside me, but it has to be kept at a simmer for now.

Blogging gives me an outlet to scream all the things I would like to scream at people but I won't. not out loud, because I wasn't raised that way. I am not one of those people who don't have a filter, who say whatever comes to mind at any given time. Not that I am not guilty of it. Sometimes, my filter breaks and I embarass myself, but when it comes to the feelings of others, I recognize that sometimes off hand comments can hurt. And sometimes, it's better not to know what someone is thinking. Especially when you are dating.

Take that time I read E's blog. I hadn't heard from him, and what I wanted to see was that he was missing me a bit. What I saw was that while he wasn't calling me, he was calling another girl, trying to cheer her up because she was down. And letting me down while he was at it. He had warned me that his blog was like "Sex in the City", but not being a fan, I didn't know what that meant, so when I read one of his entries remembering a sexual encounter, it made me sick inside. Some things should remain private. Details like that are among them.

And so, of late, I have censored myself, heavily. I don't want to be censored, and I don't want to hurt anyone, and so I live in this limbo. It's a tough place to be.

But life goes on, even when we are in emotional limbo, and you have to accept that sometimes that's the way it is. Right now, despite a bad case of the lonies, I understand that I am best off concentrating on my business, and on my jobs instead of chasing boys. Chasing boys has ever gotten me anywhere but hurt anyway. They're nice to look at. They're nice to touch. But like a puppy (hee. I got some good puppy kisses this evening) when you start getting ito the logistics of keeping one, perhaps you need to consider whether you really have the time to devote to keeping it happy. I'm sure many men feel the same way about women. Neglect is a terrible thing.

I'm finally yawning now, I should go wash the eggnog out of my hair and quit trying to be a late night philosphiser. Good night. Cross your fingers for a successful sales day tomorrow.

Friday, November 10, 2006


I think it's going to take me some time to grow accustomed to blogging from home. It's certinaly not a problem of ideas, I just seem to forget them when I sit down. Maybe my office just has bad idea fung shuy.

I'm baking pumpkin bread right now, and worried that it won't be cooked in time for me to head to work. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow with my annual Open House. I'm worried that I won't have any customers and that Wendy and Celine's time will be wasted. Wendy is coming all the way from LA. Celine from Carlsbad. The third party I had lined up appears to have fallen off the face of the earth. I suppose I could have tried harder to get in touch with her. Maybe next year.

Watching "Love Actually" again. I needed to feel a littel love, even vicariously. It's such a wonderful film.

Shoot, I just remembered that I promised balloons on the path to the rec room tomorrow. I'm not yet packed and ready to head over there the way I normally am.

I think my cup runnith over again.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

My very first HNT. I voted, did you?

Ahh. there's nothing like gratuitous boobage to brighten your day. You gotta love the built in camera on my new Mac. As soon as I figure out how to dowload pictures from my camera onto the new computer, I will show you pictures of that too. I'd put the HNT button on my sidebar, but when i tried to do it the other day, nothing happened. sigh. this new computer thing is taking some getting used to. BUT I have my very own Chi Pet. He doesn't seem to do anything. hmm.

I've been super duper busy, which is frustrating because I have been wanting to blog about all the crazy things in my world, but since I have internet at home, I don't want to do it at work , and I have not really been at home to play with the computer. When I am at home, I have been sleeping, or, this afternoon, I was working on soapy stuff.

I am now offering wholesale pricing to try and expand my customer base. It's tough to give up a portion of my profit margin, but I don't want to buy mailing lists ad I don't have enough contact with people to buid up verey quickly. I have been thinking that I would set Bubbly Creations up with a MySpace account, since that seems to be an excellent way for people to get noticed (I'd really get noticed if I put the boob picture on the profile!!) but I don't think that the people on MySpace are looking for soap. I think that they are looking for a hook up. And I don't have one of those. (No, not everyone on MySpace is looking for a hook up. but there are a lot of people there for that reason) I think it's an excellent tool for bands and for comediens, but i'm not sure about a product line. I'll think about it. I have also been considering starting a BC blog, which would be WAY easier to update than the website, but I don't really know how to link the blog from the website. AND I still have yet to follow Sensei Ern's "how to build a banner" directions. Sigh.

Otherwise, things have been amazingly normal. Well, as normal as my world ever is. I have flash backs and great bloggable ideas, but I just keep forgetting to write them down so by the time I get home, I have forgotten what I was so wound up about in the first place.

The new work hours are difficult. I haven't had a problem getting up at 5:30, but man, am I groggy when I have worked at Bucks and am running on a couple of hours of sleep.

Heard from Biker Bob the other day.

I'm hungry and I don't have enough of the basics to make anything that I have in the house. I'm REALLY tired of Macaroni and Cheeze. Really. I did discover the Jack n The Box House Burger on Tuesday. It was so good I had one yesterday too. I don't generally eat fast food, so this is kind of a big (and bad) discovery. I highly recommend it if you have a Jack n the Box, it's big and beefy and perfectly seasoned with black pepper. and you can pick your cheeze. and it has LOTS of lettus. I could rant on it all day, but I'm making myself hungry for one and that isn't good. I'll have to walk over to the grocery and get some real food in a minute.

I guess that's it.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Oh, the joy

Ahem. I would like to announce, That I am surfing the net at home. Whee! Now I can play in Half Nekkid Thursday games! I can complain about people at work! I can shop all night long! oh wait. that's bad. Off to bed with me.

Monday, November 06, 2006


Sorry that I have been missing. Things have been busy and I went out of town. I will have internet at my house after tomorrow, so you can expect all sorts of pictures and stories in a more timely manner. I will also be more candid about work stuff since I won't be blogging from work. Nothing bad, of course. I'm still blessed with an excellent job and a wonderful boss working for a fantabulous company. But every so often...


Found out the Douchebag has a girlfriend and while it was tempting to start calling all the time and sending text messages and generally getting him in trouble, I decided that SHE doesn't need the heartache and that it is punishment enough that she dates him. Plus, I'm not really that kind of woman. There is a picture of me giving him my number, but I don't have it yet.

T appears to be MIA. I'm a little worried about him, but I know things are hectic for him at work right now so he likely doesn't have time to chat right now. And if he has decided to disappear out of my life? I would miss him, of course, he's a dear friend and one of the few people in this world I can say ANYTHING to, but, well, you know.

Haven't really heard from Biker Bob either. he emailed me last Wednesday, I replied on Friday. I have no idea if he still pops in to read this.

I returned to work Friday to learn that my hours changed. I now have to be here at 6:30. more on that later.

There was an email in my box from my cousin who met a guy she wants me to look up on I'm not a member, but I will go peek. She has generally good taste in men and certainly knows what I am attracted to! She actually met him, she wasn't surfing the internet looking for dates for me. I think it's funny.