Saturday, November 11, 2006

Late night blogging

It's 2 am. I should be in bed. I have a big day ahead of me. I hope.

I had so much to say. I wanted to discuss the whole Biker Bob thing. What happened, all the things I didn't say while it was going on, but I still have the fear that he pops in once in awhile, and I have no intention of hurting him. I'm just not that kind of person. not when I can help it. It would be very difficult to read the thoughts of the woman you have been dating, and know all the things that she didn't feel comfortable saying. Blogs can hurt. We bare our souls here, and sometimes, it's raw and uncensored. There are things I would like to say here that I wouldn't say in real life. There are things I do say here. But that situation? strange and awkward, and a story that is bubbling over inside me, but it has to be kept at a simmer for now.

Blogging gives me an outlet to scream all the things I would like to scream at people but I won't. not out loud, because I wasn't raised that way. I am not one of those people who don't have a filter, who say whatever comes to mind at any given time. Not that I am not guilty of it. Sometimes, my filter breaks and I embarass myself, but when it comes to the feelings of others, I recognize that sometimes off hand comments can hurt. And sometimes, it's better not to know what someone is thinking. Especially when you are dating.

Take that time I read E's blog. I hadn't heard from him, and what I wanted to see was that he was missing me a bit. What I saw was that while he wasn't calling me, he was calling another girl, trying to cheer her up because she was down. And letting me down while he was at it. He had warned me that his blog was like "Sex in the City", but not being a fan, I didn't know what that meant, so when I read one of his entries remembering a sexual encounter, it made me sick inside. Some things should remain private. Details like that are among them.

And so, of late, I have censored myself, heavily. I don't want to be censored, and I don't want to hurt anyone, and so I live in this limbo. It's a tough place to be.

But life goes on, even when we are in emotional limbo, and you have to accept that sometimes that's the way it is. Right now, despite a bad case of the lonies, I understand that I am best off concentrating on my business, and on my jobs instead of chasing boys. Chasing boys has ever gotten me anywhere but hurt anyway. They're nice to look at. They're nice to touch. But like a puppy (hee. I got some good puppy kisses this evening) when you start getting ito the logistics of keeping one, perhaps you need to consider whether you really have the time to devote to keeping it happy. I'm sure many men feel the same way about women. Neglect is a terrible thing.

I'm finally yawning now, I should go wash the eggnog out of my hair and quit trying to be a late night philosphiser. Good night. Cross your fingers for a successful sales day tomorrow.


NWJR said...

Late night blogging sometimes leads to the best posts!

Hey, it's YOUR blog, you blog YOUR way. I hope things get better for you soon.

Rich | Championable said...

It kind of sucks to have a semi-anonymous blog. I totally relate. I want to write things on Championable that I just can't.

Oh. Shameless self-reference: your link to me on your blog doesn't work.


Gary said...

I like that you are a sensitive person. That is an important part of you, and one which I'm sure you will never lose.

I hope your weekend goes well.

Ginamonster said...

nwjr: They aren't nessesarily bad, just a bit confusing in man land. Not that I don't know what to do, I'm just torn between lonliness and relief at being alone.

rich: yeah. several things just waiting to burst forth...and I fixed your link.

gary: Thank you. I hope I never do lost it, i treasure that trait.

My weekend is going pretty well.