Saturday, November 18, 2006

I figured it out

How catches ypu. All those winks lead to emails which you can't read unless you are a member. So you sign up, and start sending emails to people who can't read them uness they are a member...

I also saw that the men looking for a woman like me are overwelmingly over 40. I also saw (totally by accident) that C and I, according to Match, are 95% compatible. Which would explain why we got along so well. But things happen, and life happens and dating websites don't take into account personal issues and baggage. I would like to to see a percentage on T and I. Part of me thinks it would be very high. Part of me would hope that it is low so that I could see past this cloud that envelopes me where he is concerned.

I don't talk about it here. I still hurt over it. I try every day to get past it, I try to meet other men, I keep myself busy, but it always circles around. It's amazing how you can be with someone for such a short time and be so profoundly affected. It was a very short time. And in the present? he writes when he can. I have not seen him in 6 months, and any time conversation starts to take a turn for the risque, I end it. Because I'm already caught in a trap and I know it's a dead end street.

I try so hard that I spent three months of my life spending time with a man with whom I knew I had no future, but I tried to make one anyway. I became "that girl" who stayed because it was better than being alone. Who stayed because the attention was nice. He gave me just enough to keep me around. a kiss once or twice a week, a caress of my ankle while I read. We had just enough fun times to make me think that it could be better.

I don't know what is worse. Longing for someone who doesn't want you, or being with someone who drives you crazy so that you don't have to be alone. Both hurt my soul.

I long for something healthy and real.But when it comes down to it, I look around and think that life is good and that adding someone else to the equation is more trouble than it's worth. And then I think, well I just have to find someone who is worth it. and that damned voice. the one I fight every day to banish from my brain. The one that has attached itself like a parasite. One with a symbiotic hold on my heart feeding me hope and causing misery whispers, "I thought I had".


shqipo said...

Getting back together with this guy is not an option for you?

What happened to Biker Bob? I guess I missed your post about it... .

Post an email address, I'll write you about some options for your biz

Ginamonster said...

I would like to be back together, he doesn't seem to be interested.

I never posted a Biker Bob Breakup post, it's a bit complicated, and I tend toward caution where he is concerned because he reads this blog. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

I can always be reached at

Rich | Championable said...

Wow, you and shqipo have got so many backchannel conversations going!

Well, a friend of mine seems to vouch for him, so he probably won't steer you TOO wrong.


cyouincourt007 said...

me to : (

shqipo said...

rich, dude, what's with these insinuations?!