Sunday, November 23, 2008


I really need to stop blogging when I am angry and frustrated. B and I had a nice evening yesterday and will spend a bit more time together tonight, I hope, after he gets back from his mom's house. Since it's already in my head that it's possible he won't make it over tonight, I am not frustrated or upset, just going about my business; which should include packing, but I don't feel like it at the moment.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


I'm learning about myself over the last couple of days that I am far needier than I give myself credit for. Or that I ever thought possible.

I am accustomed to being on my own and in many ways, I like it that way. I don't have to worry about then I am going to see someone because there is no one to see. I don't have to worry about when he will call because there is no one to call. Being alone has become the easy way out. When I am alone, I see myself as independent, if not a little lonely.

Enter the flavor of the month and suddenly, I find myself wanting to see him as often ass possible. Not every day, but every few days. I find myself bitter at Friday nights alone. Frustrated when there are no plans for Saturday evening either. Pissed that I'm going away for a week and there has been no attempt at visiting, even though the excuses are valid.

And what does that say about me? I'm certainly not staring at the phone, I'm playing in my fabric. And maybe next I will visit with my wheel. I haven't spun in a couple of months and I have a very nice yarn in mind for my brother's Christmas present. Oliver needs to be let out. The kitchen is dirty...And all I can seem to think about is, when will he have time for me?

I feel pathetic. And ridiculous. Petty. And maybe just a little bit normal?

Then I wonder. Was I wrong to give it another chance? Did I agree to try only to be placed somewhere further back in limbo? Somewhere between dating and the hated text message relationship?

Friday, November 21, 2008

some things are better verbatum

this was my message from B this morning:

Bonjour, Comment vas-tu? Je suis bien. Il est tres froid ici. J'ai dormi bien la nuit dernière. J'espère que vous avez un jour grand.


PS. Hola. Como estas?

And my reply

Ok. I'm going to do my best with translations here. I'm good this morning. I'm sorry to hear that you are cold but am glad you had a good night last night. either that or you are talking about food. Then there was something about me and big. Are you talking about my boobs? because I remember that feet start with a p but I can no longer spell them in french.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

And then what happened?

B came over after the drama and we talked. It was good. He understands why I was upset. We are going to try and work things out.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I am that girl

I've always tried my best not to bring any drama into the lives of the men that I date. It happens, I'm human, I'm hardly perfect. But I have tried to be as non demanding as possible. I lay out my rules in the beginning, and move ahead into the fun of being in a relationship, casual or serious.

Pardon me if I am feeling a little dramatic at the moment.

You see, when I make plans with someone, I keep them. It's rare that I cancel. I might be a few minutes late, but I call and warn well ahead of time, and am generally no more than 15 minutes late, which, really is not okay, so I try to be on time. (The Spanksgiving celebration is an exception but it took 5 hours to roast the turkey and another 45 minutes to make the broccoli casserole. My oven isn't big enough for the both of them.)

Nearly an hour after he was supposed to be here, I got a message from B. He's fighting with his ex wife. He's not sure when he will be here. In his defense, 15 minutes before he was supposed to be here, he sent a message that he was going to be late. And I felt more than a bit peeved about it because being late is his m.o. 15 minutes after he was supposed to be here I sent a message that said "?" HE replied that he would be leaving in a few minutes.

I don't know what the fight is about but this isn't the first time she has waylaid our plans. I'm not just upset with her though, I'm upset with him. Because this isn't the first time. Since we have no commitment I don't know what I can say. But it's been nearly two months of dating so I feel like I should be able to say something. Something like, hey, this isn't okay. Or, will you tell her you have plans and can't argue about what ever it is right now. I mean, that's okay right? because what isn't okay is me sitting at home all upset and I'm-not-hungry-anymore and bitching on the internet.

I don't want to add more stress to his world. He tells me that my house is the only place he can go to get away. But continuing to say it's okay? Continues to make me a doormat.

Seester says it's time to cut ties. That's the worst part for me. I don't like cutting ties. I feel like I'm giving up. Plus, I'm a coward. I don't like to hurt people so I suck it up and let things work themselves out. Except that once. That one time, I said something, and the repair wasn't what I hoped at all.

This issue? It's not going to work itself out. And He needs to know that it's not okay. That is quite obvious. But is Seester right? is this the end? Or do I tell him what the problem is and hope he fixes it?

And risk being disappointed? Again...

Waiting. Again

I'm not the most timely person in the world. That's putting it lightly. But, um, I wait a lot. I know you have things going on, but I do too. And I've been waiting for half an hour. You aren't here yet. And I'm hungry. Last time, I went ahead and ate. Please don't ask this of me every time. I don't want to start weighing the trade offs.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

It was a lovely evening except...

B and I went on a wander about last night. It was the first time he and I had gotten the opportunity to get out of town a bit. We were supposed to leave early since I had a half day at work, but Thursday he found out he had a parent teacher conference for the kindergardener. I was not happy. I griped to my sister and wife. Then I realized that the delay would give me plenty of time to go get my oil changed. it was a good 6 months overdue. bad girl.

I let him plan, partially because I was just looking forward to quality time together and mostly because I don't have any places here that are special to me. I could entertain him for a week in San Diego, but ask me where to go for an evening in Reno or the outskirts, and I haven't a clue. Thus, I didn't have any idea where he would take me.

But he turned up the road. The one that leads past the Cowboy's house. and we stopped at Bucks where I am almost certain the girl who lives in the studio at Cowboy's house was lurking. And then we drove past it. I haven't done so in all these months. I'm not going to pretend I haven't thought about it, but I do try not to be a freaky ass stalker chick and I know that there is only pain up that road.

No, he wasn't there. Neither was the horse trailer so he was off with Tricksie. B caught me looking but didn't say anything.

I'm not sure if he knew that it put me in a bit of a funk for the rest of the evening. Which was wonderful and would have been terribly romantic and lovely if I hadn't been in a funk. I tried to hide it. Sometimes I hide things well.

We went to a place on Slide Mountain just below Mt Rose Ski Resort where you can see all the way to Carson City and the whole of Washoe Lake. You can follow the lights up Pyramid Highway and watch the planes take off from the airport. It's where the Hang Gliders go to take a flying leap. We sat for a bit and waited for the moon to rise but it was being extra slow so we drove the rest of the way up the hill and went to the lake. He showed me this and that and we picked up a pizza, stopping at a park to eat at the water's edge. We took a peek a his office and then went to Squaw Valley. It was pretty there. I would like to see it in the day time. I reminded me a bit of Big Bear. And of Yosemite.

We wandered around looking at the places he loves, something I would like to do down south with someone sometime. All in all it was a pretty good evening. I enjoyed myself and the company. If not for studio girl, I would have avoided looking and could probably for avoided the funk. I'm really trying to focus on the positives. And the man I am with, not the ones who didn't want me. sometimes, they just creep up on me.

The infamous turkey

If you follow me on Twitter at all, which, you all would be if I still had a feed here, (I took it off because I wanted to tweet about B but there was another fellow I was talking to and he read my blog and I wanted to tell him personally that I had met someone, not have him find out here. That seemed wrong to me) you would know that for the RRG Spanksgiving I cooked the turkey. When I volunteered to cook the turkey, I didn't know that the ref, Run Jeremy, who was providing the bird (He volunteered to bring it, but didn't know he had to cook it) was going to provide a 20 pound turkey. 20 fucking pounds!! Thankfully B was here to help me take the guts out and lift it around some of the time because that fucker was heavy. But, here it is, in all it's perfect turkey goodness. And let me tell you, it was as tasty as it looks. AND I am also a stuffing genius.

I'm gonna pepper the internet...

Because this is frickin fantastic

And mildly safe for work. You might want to turn it down. Better yet, watch at home.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

This started me leaking again

Messages between the boy and I, and as I sit here posting here and texting him, truer words have never been spoken:

"I have some issues left over, I guess. They usually come up when I think I am fine"

My goodness, I think he might be reading my mind.

Little Purges

We all know that I tend to hold on for a very long time to past relationships and people who have moved out of my life. That I never stop caring, that I never stop wondering how they are doing even if the end caused me a lot of hurt. It's something I work on every time a memory pops into my head. To live in the now, to appreciate the memories but to move forward and not let memories, which can sometimes be skewed the way we want them to have been, stop me from growing as a person and inviting people into my life that share in my joys now, as opposed to people who I remember fondly from several years ago. I'm not talking about the people I haven't talked to in a couple of months because we are busy but can pick up anytime, I'm talking about the ones who didn't return my last communication or I didn't return theirs, because it was time for them to pass out of my life whether I wanted them to or not.

I happened across an old email. I know why I saved it, I just wasn't expecting it. When I read it again, it made me cry. And when I finished reading what might have been one of the most courageous correspondences I have ever composed, and the reply, I finally did the right thing. I hit delete.

Every time I read those old emails, I get hurt all over again. And that isn't healthy.

It's always possible that those people may return to my orbit. They are always welcome. Most people are in my life because I want them there. I rarely kick anyone out. But, I think I need to work on recognizing that relationships change. And the past belongs in the past. And ancient emails belong in the trash.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Because it's convenient?

In the months since I moved into my cute little house with the tree out front, I have reverted back to my teenage hyper green-ness. As Rebturtle will attest, I was the president of my high school environmental club and quite rabid about environmental issues. Heaven forbid you should pull a clump of grass from the ground in front of me. After school was over, I headed strait into the Americorps*NCCC where I spent 10 months pulling invasive plants in the woods and building trails, among other things. I graduated from the program fully intending to change the world! and do something huge! And...

I discovered that there is no recycling service in most apartment complexes. And gosh, it's really frustrating to have to take my cans and paperboard to the center. Plus, it annoyed the boyfriend. And I didn't drink that much soda anyway.

And so I languished. Promising myself that when I had a house I would RECYCLE! and when I learned about it, COMPOST! Three houses later, I do. I think it's fun to think about whether this or that will go into the compost bin which is currently pretty well full of Bunny poo (Its a very small bin) and the Worms! They live on my counter and eat leftovers! (and need a bigger bin too) And the baskets outside! all I have to do it put stuff in there and I KNOW it will get turned into something else. I just wish I could compost all those leaves that are falling off my trees.

So, I was talking to a coworker the other day. And I was getting all excited about the things that I try to do to reduce my carbon footprint (namely, my heater generally hovers around 64 when I am home. I think I am channeling Calvin's Dad) And he said the following:

"I don't do any of that because I figure people like you will make up for it"

I went after him with a box of saw blades. Ok, it was empty (ooh, I could compost that!)

And then, as I walked away, I asked myself, if it weren't convenient, would I let people like my Seester who is more conscious than I, carry my load too? And when will we wake up as a society and care for reals??

This helps me...