Monday, October 31, 2005

my hours changed

which was lovely for sleeping nn this morning, but it sucks that I will be here for another hour and 15.

Drama update

Little has changed. The naughty emails stopped for awhile, but seem to be getting back on track. I made it clear that I don't sleep with my friends (people are often suprised to lern the T and I are not "special" friends) after he made it clear that he wouldn't tell me no. I just don't want to make the same old mistakes. I repeat too many of my mistakes as it is. And that is the sort of thing that can ruin a friendship.
Except that looking back, it never has, I just get hurt. Then, I smile through my pain and remain friends for the sake of the friendship. I just don't want T to be a regret the way J is (although they are totally different men) I don't want him to dissapoint me the way C did. Or use me the way W did. I still dread his girlfriend asking me if we ever had relations. I know she wonders, I can feel it from her.
Regardless, it's going to hurt when he finds someone new. I dread that day as much as I pray for my own deliverance from my feelings for him.

Highlights from the weekend

Friday night watching scary movies and eating nachos with T. I took an unreasonable amount of joy in his amusement when I would jump at the scary parts.

Saturday with my family. I especially liked the part where my brother won his Waterpolo match and then, on the way home, he joked that he is hung like a light switch. My sister announced that it is wrong to joke aout his penis, and I asked him how it felt to know that his penis is a joke.

Sunday. Faire. I spun a good yarn. Ick fest when some random guy was "professing his love for me" and he kissed my hand. Lovely sentiments when I was 16, totally gross now. If I were a patron, it would have been worth his effort. Since I am a participant, don't bother, creepy. I wiped my hand on my skirt after he left my booth. OH!! and I learned how to make brooms!!!

Watched "Stage Beauty" last night. Add Billy Crudup to my list.

Friday, October 28, 2005

It came across my desk...

That golf balls have dimples all over so they will fly farther.

doesn't it stand to reason that my ass has dimples on it because I have the potential to go far too?

What if...

The blood bank isn't a bank at all? what if we are secretly feeding a colony of vampires? Which isn't so bad, but what if one of them develops a particular liking for your blood and comes after you? then what?

Fun Excuses for not going out on a date

In No particular Order

1. I have to wash my goat
2. I need to Aerate my Lawn
3. I have decided to enter a convent. By Saturday, I will be married to Jesus.
4. No thank you, you're ugly.

Thats all for now, but I would love suggestions! I think it's fun!

Where have I been?

Sorry about the lack of blogging this week, I have actually had a lot to say, but I have been very busy with work, and I'm starting to think Girl Roomie has found my blog because she looks sad every time I mention it. and GRBF knows about it too so... But, it has been an interesting week.

I realize I should not be posting here anything that GR cannot see. Most of what I post she hears first hand. But I know that I spend a lot of time venting about her. The reason for that is that she is my friend and I treasure her. Since I am a non confrontational type person (wuss) I would rather vent to you all than bring my issues up to ther and damage our friendship or hurt her feelings. If she reads this, then her feelings are hurt anyway. Likely worse than otherwise because it is obvious I don't want to approach her directly (wuss) If I have a few minutes later, I will explain why I am considering a name change. for now, I should really be working.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


I'm not going to say a lot, but I'm considering changing my name to Mat.

Monday, October 24, 2005

On Religion

Those of you who know me or have been reading in recent times know that I call myself religiously, what is known as Wicca. One of the things I appriciate about tis label is that it allows me to believe what makes sense to me, and I have to say that my faith runs deep. It is complicated to explain, and it is not really all that inportant to this post, but basically, although I am polytheistic, it is because I recognise that The energy we refer to as God appears to people in many different way so that we can better understand the multifacited thing that is the universal energy that drives life. If you look at all religions, there is a common thread. Although I imagine that I will have some argument as to my theories, I believe that a person's faith is so integral to who they are, and so private, that any discussion will likely diminish the true meaning of what they are feeling. Not to say that I will not discuss it, I enjoy and intelligent conversation, I just feel as though words cannot describe the personal connection I have with that universal energy.
I choose, for various reasons, now that I am older (I needed to tell everyone when I first discovered Wicca. It's been about 12 years since then. I've learned to keep quiet unless asked), not to dicuss my religion with most people, and although Wicca is a religious practice that has gatherings, I choose to remain solitary. One reason for this I have outlined above. My faith is deeply personal and cannot be explained without some frustration on my part, just as I cannot explain how it feels to love, or laugh. it just is.
The other reason is this; I think I am a snob. I think I am a snob because I don't tend to like most witchy folk I run into. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel this way about all, I am a regular reader at a couple of Wiccan sites and I feel connected to the community. I enjoy wiccan authors (usually). I am all for pagan rights. But I have no interest in joining up with a Coven. I don't generally reveal myself to others, and I get cranky when they start in with ritual talk.
Yesterday there were a couple of men discussing how many lives they had been here and how one of them didn't think he was coming back. And how many eons/lives they had alreday been here. Good for them. The need to discuss it tells me they need a few more to get humble. But, it is not my place to voice this. I merely pointed out that the length of a life is negotiable. I did not point out that some learn quicker than others.
One of them felt the need to "teach" me the uses of a broom. (I always set them on thier handle so the bristles don't get bent and he noticed this) Brooms are wonderful tools. And yes, they have their use in ritual, and no, I don't generally do the ritual thing, but I do respect my broom. and other people's brooms. a good broom is a wonderful thing to have. Bad brooms piss me off. I recognise their symbology. I am amused by and embrace the popular vision of a witch on her broom. I don't see the need to teach everyone what you know. There is a reason magical knowlage was once referred to as "mysteries".
I know it isn't the faith but the people I meet. And there was a time that I sought people of my faith. Perhaps that is my lesson. To be tolerant. I have already learned To be Silent.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Rare News

So, as I was reading this article: I was reminded of a quote from Finding Nemo, (which, as I love to brag, is fantastic to watch on my Big Screen TV) when Marlin says the following to Dorie,

"There are some fish, who just cause delays. They're called Delay Fish..."

Fitting, don't you think?


Went to the sporting goods store to peek at the shoe salesman, but since all the men in the shoe department were brown, I don't think he was there (My mom said he was a blonde)

My nail lady renamed my mom "Chuck" as in Woolery. I will now be referring to my mother as Chuck. she doesn't know that yet.

My fingernails glow in the dark. Very cool when I am showing people, not so cool when I am trying to go to sleep and there are apparently disembodied fingernails in bed with me. My coworker did point out, though, that this could make for an interesting evening if I had a boyfriend. but since I don't, and I'm not likely to have one before my two weeks with this color is up, I guess we just won't know.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

never mind it's not better

becasue at least Jack has someone to feed him, whereas I don't, so being a caged bunny is actually better than being single.

conversation continued...

"I guess with Jack running willy nilly all the time, then being single would no longer be better than being a rabbit."

The plan is to get him a flea collar and a leash so he can go outside. and when I get my apartment, he can be out more.

wow. This has the makings of a porno.

In the spirit (no pun intended) of Vaginamonsters, someone found me by searching "Haunted Coochie". take that a little bit further in your head, and you get, um, eew. I think the makings of a 99 cent porno!

Another brilliant quote

"So I guess, lack of fornication aside, it's better to be a single person than a bunny in a cage."

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I have never been so greatful for a dead cell phone

My mom called me last night all excited.

She was excited to tell me that she obtained a phone number for me. From a man. My firt thought, was, "Oh my goodness, Handsome Richard wants me to call!!" Not so much. Apparently she hit it off really well with the guy who sold her her new tennis shoes. (Crap. it's Al Bundy) But since she is not available, she told him all about her single daughter who looks just like her (only prettier. thanks momi) and is really nice and oh can I give her your number? which wierded him out, but he gave it to her, and Gina, this is better than the internet! (yeah, it's the Mominet). Oh and my step dad was chiming in since they were bluetoothing it in the car. I'll put Lee's inout in parenthasis. "He was really nice and cute, and not at all like that other guy (T) no, E, they are in different places those two and he has a little bit of a gut (No he didn't) but just a little bit (he did not!) and he's kind of a big guy (he's taller than me)he's not skinny (but he's not fat) a bigger guy, you know? and he has a really great personality (yeah, really good personality, you should go for this one. I'll take you to the store and buy a T Shirt so you can see) ((uh, he'll recognise you)) (no he won't. he would recognise your mom, but not me)Anyway, I'm not sure that he likes to do all the things that you like to do but...

All the while, I was banging my head on my steering wheel. Eventually I tuned them out, just as my cell phone died. And I was in tears. well, almost. I felt so pathetic that my mom has to get me numbers because I don't get my own. But at the same time, I get really upset when the subject of dating anyone comes up which tells me I'm really not ready to go there. I know I should, it would be healthy. I don't seem to want to. AND how pathetic am I that my mom gets numbers for me, and who is he that he gave it to her? Maybe he is adventurous and thought he would give it a chance. There's a little voice in my head that says I should at least go and look at him.

Update: my mom's assistant just brought me the number. Boy roomie says the issue isn't my looks, it's the way I meet people (not at all) Thanks boy roomie. and everyone else thinks it's all very funny.

This must be why I keep wanting to go red.

Your Hair Should Be Red

Passionate, fiery, and sassy.
You're a total smart aleck who's got the biggest personality around.

Thanks Cate. (who's a blue. and literally. sweet!)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

My boss made me cry (again)

Our battery powered doorbell occationaly goes off by itself. Today, it did so several times in a row. And my boss yelled accross the room, "Theresa! Quit playing with the Dong!" then he realized what he said. the look on his face was priceless.

Monday, October 17, 2005

weekend update

Made Caramel Friday Night. Baked it onto chocolate chip cookies and took them to T at work on Saturday. In protest to being called an old lady by boy roomie, girl roomie and I went streaking in our backyard. we are no longer old ladies. No, we weren't drinking, it was my idea, and yes, I am embarrassed that boy roomie saw me nakid. Finished a sewing project and watched somewhere near 5 movies yesterday.

Someone useing my bathroom does not wipe up the pee on the seat, or lid if there are drips. My formerly pink sink is crusted with white toothpaste. The plumbing sings. I don't know why. Something broke my bedroom window. I think the fish smell in the fridge is from the home canned tuna boy roomie partially consumes then sticks in the fridge, with a loosley wrapped piect of plastic wrap on it. But that could just be me guessing. I would move next month if I could.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Top Ten List Changes

So it appears that Orlando has fallen from his #1 spot on account of he's looking gaunt lately. And we've had some additions and subtractions. Here's the current list:

1. Colin Firth
2. Tom Welling
3. John Schnieder
4. Ryan Reynolds
5. Orlando Bloom (because he's still beautiful in Pirates)
6. Jet Li

I read my "disorders"

and I don't thinkI like that game anymore. Funny, most of those contradict each other. But honestly, to say that believeing in magic and psychic phenomina make you a nut? I don't have anything poilte to say about that.
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:High
Dependent Personality Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --

Thank you Julie for giving me yet another way to avoid working.

Other people's opinions

I have guilt.

a friend of mine used to work with me. I have known her former boss for many years and have always liked him. However, he is the reason she sought other employment. All of her talk of how badly he treated her helped me to develop an aversion to the man.

So Yesterday, I meet him in the hall. And he says to me, "Hello, my friend" but quietly, like he was afraid to tell me he thinks of me as a friend. And my heart melted. Because while I have never been rude, in my mind, and in the slight changes in attitude I have exhibited, I have not been a very good friend to this man who, I don't really think has very many friends.

And I was admonished for not remembering that there are two sides to every story, and that other people's opinions should not affect my own. That it is important to me to be kind to everyone (within reason)because I know how much every little kindness means to me and uplifts my day. So I appriciate the lesson, because I think it was the universe talking to me through my friend. And every time I start to be snobby based on the stories of someone else, I hope that I hear this man, in his shy little voice say to me, "Hello, my friend" and put me back in my place.

here's a horrible thought

99 cent store porn.

and a funny story of someone dear to me:

Went to a friend's office yesterday to drop something off for him. I commented on his new space. He mentioned that it was so cold in there in the mornings that he could't move his fingers. Then he asked, "Do you want to see my heater?" "sure," I replied as he reached under his desk. And then, he pulled out a toaster. He explained thus:

"I was so cold the other day that I thought I should get a heater. Then I was walking past the refrigerator, and I saw this and I snagged it. It warms me up and turns itself off after a minute or two, automatically! The only bad part is, (as he leaned over and sniffed his knee) now my pants smell like onion bagel"

These are the people in my neighborhood.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Dear Self,

Next time you are going to mork late, please remember that it takes an hour for your scanner to warm up. so don't let it turn itself off.

Also, when sending correspondence to CLINT, don't forget the "N". I don't think he will find that as amusing as you do right now.

Dear New Project Manager,

I would like you to know that I have the utmost faith in my bossed to hire intellegent, knowlegable people. I do not need you to tell me you are astute. With the exception of your sleeping office mate, the people here are excellent at what they do. So please stop telling me that you are smart. Meanwhile, I controlledmyself nicely this time, but if you try flirting with me again, I might have to lean over my dutch door and puke on your shoes. Telling me you came over to see my smile will not make me swoon. By the way, yesterday, your office smelled like rotton tomatoes.

I got noticed!!

I'm flattered and proud to announce that someone actually liked something I said! and they don't even know me! (This is not to discount all of you who respond with such wonderful insight on my blog.) But I actually got quoted! Actually, it's a neat site so here it is:

More madness later.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

For all the smurf haters out there

you know who you are. I have to say, though, that if I were a smurf, I'd be Handy. What about you?

Dear New Project Manager

I realize that you have been in the industry for longer than I have been alive. And that you have worked with countless people in my position. I have one thing to ask. And I'm not really asking.

Don't tell me how to do my job.The bosses are pleased with the job I have been doing thus far. And sometimes I have to make choices based on the situation at hand that go around the proceedure that I myself have dictated. Deal with it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Creepy? maybe. Baloney? Likely.

One of the things I like to do when I should be working (other than blogging and chatting with T who seems to be too busy to chat today) is to look up haunted items on ebay. Sometimes I find really cool scary stuff, sometimes it's obvious crap. Like blogging, there are some people, I think who put stuff on ebay just to hear themselves speak. At least, that's why I blog. I have to get this stuff out of my head! and if I can amuse you with it, I've scored big time!

So today I was noticing a lot of jewelry. And much of it is advertised as being haunted because it belonged to a witch. or a gypsy. or better, a gypsy witch from romainia (or somewhere exotic like that). So what I have to wonder is, since I have been a witch for many years, and a psychic all my life. (no, I don't think I have mentioned this before, it's a touchy subject) Are the belongings that I have given away over the years haunted too? They should be if these postings are correct. When I die, will the earrings I wear every day, which I made (that seems to make things even more powerful) going to end up on ebay touting special powers? Because I don't believe that my belongings have anything special to them unless I have charged them that way. My favorite bracelet is not going to bring you luck. My stuffed animals will not talk to you.

Yes, I believe that there are some items that have otherworldly inhabitants. I believe that dolls are often haunted because they resemble humans and would be easy to attach to based on a familliar shape. I also believe that energy attaches itself to objects, often jewelry, leaving an inprint. And much can be learned from these objects by someone who is sensitive enough to read the imprints. But the same could be said for a hairbrush. Using my hairbrush will not make your hair grow long, blonde, or curly. Please don't borrow my hairbrush, I don't want critters.

I guess the place where my rant lies is that people play the unknown and exotic card to make money and it makes me angry. I feel like they are preying on the ignorance of others. Yes. People are gullible. and there are many who would assume that my religeous nature makes me evil, and therefore anything I own would carry that evil imprint. Or, because of the magical nature of my life, that anything I touch, make, or own would be magical too. I think I could sell a lot of my jewelry by advertising that way. But I think it's wrong. Really, I'm just a human being. a sensitive one. one that has chosen a path of faith that is different from the mainstream. And I group my witchy bretheren in the same group with me. I cannot stop those people from trying to make a buck. but it sure doesn't help to educate the public that we are just regular folk too.

Hey! I like that answer!

So on some morning talk show they were interviewing the guy who was beaten by New Orleans police. He was, I don't know, 78 or something. But i popped by just in time to hear them ask the following:

"Do you think this beating was racially motivated?"

and ya know what he said?

"I absolutely do not think it was racially motivated."

and the angels sang. and Gina said, "Hallelujah!" and I thought for a moment, as apeaceful feeling came over me, that perhaps there is hope for this country after all. Perhaps we'll get over ourselves long enough to take responsibility for our actions instead of insisting that we are only punished based on the color of our skin.

Here's a questions for you, do Albino people cry discrimination because there aren't any indoor water parks in the US? Do they hold protestations because they truly are white, while the rest of the world calls pink people white?

I'm going to go picket the NAACP because I, as a yellow individual, do not have any representation. Why aren't they sticking up for the rights of yellows? Yellow is a color. I'm going to complain to the government because they force me to choose a "race" when I truly believe that I am "other". I'll sue Sea World because when I filled out my employment information, and they asked my ethnicity (for survey purposes, of course) they didn't allow me to mark all that applied.

Have you had enough of the rediculousness? I have. has a great post about racism today.

Learn to drive!

So I go to make a left from a side street onto a busy street to get to work today. Although I was making a left, I pulled to the right side of the street because it's a narrow road and I wanted to leave room for incomming cars. Plus, the curb to my left and the curb to my right don't line up, so it's a challenge to see up the street on the right.
So this woman decided she wants to make a left too. (yes, I was using my blinker) She pulled up next to me on my left. WTF?? She effectivly blocked my veiw, and the street. When the coast was clear, I pulled out before she could. I figured that if she hit me, it was her fault. Cow.

Monday, October 10, 2005

The name game

I was reading Cate's blog (Snozzberries on the sidebar)and she was discussing names. In her comments, I mentioned a story about how when I was a Freshman in high school, one of my classmates went through my yearbook and put a "va" in front of my name wherever she found it. I was not and still am not amused by this, although she didn't understand why I was so pissed.

Here is something I did find funny. ginamonster. va-ginamonster. HAHAHAHAHA!

sounds like something you would keep as a pet! a coochie pet! I can hear the conversation now:

apartment manager: yes, we accept some pets, what kind do you have?

Me: I have a bird, two turtles, and a bunny, oh! and a vaginamonster. But he doesn't come out much...

Maybe it's a new way to say you've got crabs! Um doctor? I seem to be itching a lot down there. I think I have vaginamonsters.

it took me 10 years to come up with that bit of amusement.

Truck Rant

In my neighborhood, there are a lot of trucks. not reasonably sized pick up trucks, but the big ones that are more accurately placed in front of a trailer on a ranch. Many of these are kept spotlessly clean and will never haul a speck of dirt, will never visit the dump, will never pull a trailer. They are, in essence, gas guzzling status symbols.
I purchased my car with the intention of hauling stuff around, (which I did and do)and playing a bit off the beaten path. It's a all wheel drive small SUV. At the time that I purchased it, and for 4 years after, I was lugging around my massage table. It was the perfect car for me. My little jalopy still serves me very well. However, if I had not been massaging, I would have chosen something smaller, because as a single person without children, I don't feel that I would need more than a 2 door (slightly sporty car. a new bug would be glorious), or small pick up truck (you know, because I like to haul stuff. This can be bad though, there are plastic chairs in my cargo hold that have been there for a month).
So here is my issue. Last night I was driving home on a two lane highway. As I hit the home stretch, in the "fast lane" driving about 75 mph, I saw a vehical coming up behind me. There was a car on my immediet right, so I could either speed up, faster than I care to go when I have a high rollover point and I am on a bridge (people fly off that bridge too often) or I can slow down...oops! car is right behind me. actually, it's a truck, all I can see is headlights in my rearview. Now, my car is high enough that if a 'vette pulls up too close behind me in the dark, it is below my line of site, so you can imagine how large these trucks are if all I can see is headlights. and it is so close that if I slowed down, even a fraction, they'll hit me.
It seems to me that when I come up behind a slower car on the highway, and there is nowhere for him to go to get out of my way, I reduce my speed until it is safe to pass (or just accept that I shouldn't be speeding after all). apparently this is not correct driving because this truck seemed to think that he could intimidate me into going faster. and then he was going to cut off the guy next to me to get around me. I'm finding that these ginormous vehicals think they can intimidate other drivers all the time and I am tired of it. Tailgating doesn't get you anywhere but dead in my world. matter, as a rule, cannot occupy the same place at the same time. it's all about physics. He rode my ass for a good mile. bumper to bumper.
I moved over when it was safe and off the truck went, followed by the large truck tailgating him. Funny, when I reached the light at the end of the offramp, they were both waiting at the same red light I hit.

Good weekend

I had a good weekend.
Went to my cousin's wedding, reconnected with some family, got a Daddy update, I am supposed to pray for him to get better, but I can't seem to pray empty prayers for someone I've lost hope for. I know there is still a glimmer in there, and that I should nurture it. but I can't seem to do it. is it bad that I would rather someone else pray for my father? is it bad that I can't bring myself to hope for him to get healthy anymore? I want him to, I really do. but I feel like I would be lying to god and myself by forcing prayers that don't come from my heart. I hate knowing that I've given up on him. At least I know he's alive.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Status Change

I have declared Landscape Guy my Gay Boyfriend, mostly because he winked at me and I swooned despite the fact that he is unattainable.


T went home sick! there goes my favorite distraction!

Now all I have to look forward to today is the updates to other people's blogs. so, um, guys, if you don't mind...

Funny Meme

thank you julie.

Went to google, cuz Julie told me to. typed in "gina needs" and hit search. Here's what I got: (I deleted the lame ones)

Gina needs to change her self-talk. Here are some new ideas and beliefs ...
Most important, Gina needs to start to believe that she possesses nearly all the ...
Gina needs a man in her it you ?????? (by the way, this link takes you to
Gina needs a more extensive form of ... (therapy??)
Gina Needs Encouragement (the scary thing is, this one points to a forum I Administrate, I know this Gina!!)
Gina needs to draw herself naked (uh, no I don't. really.)
Gina needs to watch cable in her room
Gina needs to be able to reach out to him, rather than have him initiating the contact all the time (Whoa!!)
Gina needs a makeover: "I call her closet 'barnyard-wear boutique.' I want to see her go from the hillbilly look to... (WHOA!!)
Gina needs a severe reprimand for having done what she did, but she certainly
didn't fabricate a story out of thin air...(hey!)
Gina needs a new job (no I don't!)
Gina Needs: Face:Brow Lift Liposuction: Cheeks, Chin Fotofacials Body: Breast (HEY! I like me the way I am. well, maybe my skin could clear up...)
Hey Gas Buddies.....Gina needs a hug and some encouragement! (HAHAHAHAHA!)

I think this was the most fun meme so far!

Enlightening Evening

I spent last evening with my Girl Roomie and GRBF. I talked to ber about the living alone thing, and she was cool with it. She has thinking she wanted to move back closer to her work. So that was all good and I felt relieved and like I was a grown up for a few minutes. Then we had a couple of drinks and acted silly.

During dinner GRBF brought something up that had apparently been bothering him. (This is going to get personal and slightly graphic. beware)

A bit of background, one of the reasons I was so unhappy with the ex with whom he and I are both friends, was because so often, if I would approach him for sex (which I think should happen often in a healthy relationship) He would be too tired, or, he would tell me he had already taken care of himself that day. This man explained to me that men, in order to think clearly, need to clear more than just thier minds just to function. Being a bit naieve about these things, I believed him. But it still made me rather insecure after awhile because it seemed like the only time we had sex was when it was conveinent for him. and when he was feeling frisky, there was no saying "no", he'd pester me until I woke up and gave in. I, on the other hand, when refused, would roll over and cry myself to sleep. To compensate for how awful I knew it felt to be refused all the time, I would allow him to "do his thing" feeling miserable, trapped, and often crying afterward. but I wouldn't say no, (not that it would have done any good) no matter how not in the mood I was. This was worse towards the end of our relationship. He was never violent. and yes, I know I am too nice.
Fast forward five years, I am long out of the unhappy relationship, have a bit more experience, and ex's best friend has become GRBF. Somehow we start talking about local adult bookstores. And he tells me that he lost count of how many times he went to these places with my ex. That it was a planned part of his errand day to stop there, use the booth, and continue on his way. GRBF would stay in the store part wander around looking at the rediculous toys and laughing, and then they would leave.
I knew my ex had a liking for porn. I would often find tapes hidden under the couch (followed by "I already took care of myself today") The guys at the video store knew him well (which is how we ended up with a copy of "Orgazmo" the only thing close to porn I care to watch) which was embarassing for me when we would go there for a regular movie, but not that big of a deal. But I had no idea he was spending time in adult bookstores. Not like that.
Over the years we were together, I developed a great insecurity about approaching my partners for sex. I will rarely initiate it for fear of rejection. I know that rejection is one of the fears I need to face, but it is difficult when it is such a deeply personal situation. I have learned from my conversations with T how convoluted my relationship with the other ex really was.
This is a man who swears he would ever cheat on his woman. But I have to think that when you are replacing a warm willing human with masterbation and porn, that there is something wrong with that. I would understand better if I was frigid, but I'm not. I told GRBF that, how he would refuse me all the time. He was surprised. Had no idea that my ex was shuning a willing partner for the booths. I have also come to understand that men don't have to have that release every day. Or, at the very least, they can think without sex. If you cannot, you have a problem.
Hearing this story last night really helped me to understand that the issue then was not with me. That there is something wrong with him, and that I did the best that I could with what I had. Although he never had contact with another woman, he still chose porn over me, and that, I think is a problem. It's over now, but I still have a lot of healing. Perhaps last night's conversation will help me along my way.
I don't have a problem with pornography. Except when it replaces human contact. For most people it is recreation, even a source of amusement. I understand now that for my ex, it was an addiction. And like drugs addiction, it affected the people (person?) he loved the most. He didn't lose me because of it (although it made a contribution) but I have to wonder if it affects him still? I won't ask, of course, I need to wander off and heal myself now.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Planning for the future

If my friend Dave is ever independantly wealthy, he has agreed to be my sugar daddy. whew. I'm glad I got in early on that one!

Dear Larry,

I hope that you can read this, wherever you are. It's important stuff for you to know.
When I heard the news yesterday that you had left, I was shocked. You had so many reasons to stay. The biggest of which is your new daughter who was born in June, who I have not met yet. I realize that you didn't have a choice. And that you would have stayed if you could. I can't help but feel as though you chose a good time to go, when your lovely wife, my dear friend, was away visiting her mother.
You were such a wonderful husband to my friend, and I will always thank you for it. She needed a good man to love her. I could always see it in your eyes how much you truly did. I remember how you smiled at her on your wedding day and how happy we all were for the both of you.
I wish you could have stayed. I will miss your friendship and your sense of humor. I will miss your conversation and your company. I'm glad I got to know you. since your wife has decided to move back to her home town, I want you to know that I will happily be there to dry her tears. I can't wait to hold your baby and tell her how much her father loved her mother. How romantic your relationship was and how we all knew you would be together forever. I will tell her how her mother always called you LarryLove, and although we teased her about it then, it seems so romantic and sweet now.
Apparently, forever was shorter than any of us ever believed.
29 is so young to die. So young to become a widow. I had forgotten until I was writing this that you two were born on the same day, in the same hospital, 20 minutes apart. I always thought that was so very cool. In my mind, you met when you were both working at that same hospital. I relly can't remember if it is true.
Goodbye my dear friend. I hope they let you Box in the afterlife. I'm sorry I took it for granted that you would always be there. It's a habit I have. I don't know what else to say.

With love and tears,

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Dear Housekeeping Ladies,

I'm glad you want our bathroom to smell nice. But you should know that mixing the baby powder scent you are favoring lately, with the citrus scent that comes out of the auto stinker, makes the restroom smell a lot like cat pee.

Just thought you should know.

The funniest thing I said to my boss today

and it just popped out.

"what? No! Don't fart on me. No I won't pull your finger"

This just a little while after he described a noise as sounding like someone was choking a chicken. and he meant it literally.

Monkey business. that's what I do.

Someone found me

by searching Latex Socks. I'm pretty sure I talked about them at some point, but what amazes me is that someone else thought of it too. My feet feel sweaty just thinking about it. eew.

In the meantime, on a more serious note, I read this article in the opinion section:,2933,171249,00.html
and I had to say, AMEN. I feel the same way.


I was preapproved for a loan yesterday. It's enough to buy a very nice house....15 years ago. not enough to buy even a condo conversion today. It's apartment for me! (and me alone, I have decided)

The big boss picked his nose in the middle of our meeting today. We were all looking at him when he did it because he was speaking. I was shocked.

Shining moment for the day:
When a Coworker told me that I was a female GQ, and that I look great today. This is a shining moment because I don't tend to worry as much about fashion as my contemporaries, being a jeans and t shirt kind of girl, and having been fashionably backward for most of my life.

Note to roomates:
Please do eat all the pumpkin bread I made. I make it for fun, I don't plan to eat much of it. Please do not leave the empty crumb covered plate in the microwave. (This is my bitch for the day)

I guess that's all today. I had a very dirty thought last night that I was going to share, but it occurred to me that I am better off keeping somethings to myself. Well, I think it's dirty. Other people might not. oh well.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Train wreck today

the static electricity due to Santa Ana winds means that my skirt is clinging to my butt today. Putting lotion on my nylons helped.(that's my Martha tip for today).

I popped a fingernail off and glued my fingers together putting it back on.

I been trippin all day.

At least we're all having a good laugh.

Dear Crackhead behind me,

yes, you. I would like to start out by telling you, (in case you didn't know) that just because you can afford the biggest truck on Ford's lot, doesn't mean that you should. Also, being behind the wheel of a nice vehical does not make you look any lees like a crack head. Secondly, we're in a gas crisis, which means huge cars are out of style. Thirdly, following so close behind me that all I can see is the grille of your F2,000,000 in my reveiw mirror (I wish I was exaggerating on this one)as we make our way down the windy mountain will not get you down the hill any faster. in fact, if I have to make a sudden stop (and this is pretty frequent due to traffic) the back of my hed is going to be shaped like your oversized grille. and since that will mess up all my future hairdos, I would prefer you backed off. Or I may have to get bitchy. you won't like me if I'm bitchy.

Monday, October 03, 2005


The search for affordable housing is not going well. At least not for buying. But I did get info on a rather nice looking apartment that I can barely afford, but I think I can, without roomates.

I have decided that I don't think I particularly like Girl Roomie's boyfriend, he gets on my nerves. and he's there all the time, whether we are there or not. That makes me cranky. I really think it's a personality issue. he doens't do anything wrong, just rubs me the wrong way, which he can't really be faulted for. He brings up my ex too frequently, which is a good way to piss me off. It's not that I don't like my ex, although I would never date him again, it's that people ask me about him ALL THE TIME. There are people who ask me about him before they ask me about me. This includes my family. I know that GRBF doesn't know what else to talk to me about but the past and a mutual friend, but, like I was telling T, I'm trying to leave the past as is, and I don't want to hear about it all the time.

Went to my Nephew's birthday party last night. Got to spend time with my "other parents" which was nice. My cousin's brother in law latched onto me pretty quickly. I'm still not interested.(he latched on at my cousin's wedding too) Actually, my other mother wouldn't leave my side until he left because he was being creepy. I need to make a t shirt. "No, I don't want to be a new mom for your kid(s)" or tattoo it on my forehead. And will someone please make a general anouncement to all men? lines like "Hey, is it hot in here or is it you/her" don't make anyone swoon. not anyone with a brain anyway. well, most specifically, me.