Friday, October 07, 2005

Enlightening Evening

I spent last evening with my Girl Roomie and GRBF. I talked to ber about the living alone thing, and she was cool with it. She has thinking she wanted to move back closer to her work. So that was all good and I felt relieved and like I was a grown up for a few minutes. Then we had a couple of drinks and acted silly.

During dinner GRBF brought something up that had apparently been bothering him. (This is going to get personal and slightly graphic. beware)

A bit of background, one of the reasons I was so unhappy with the ex with whom he and I are both friends, was because so often, if I would approach him for sex (which I think should happen often in a healthy relationship) He would be too tired, or, he would tell me he had already taken care of himself that day. This man explained to me that men, in order to think clearly, need to clear more than just thier minds just to function. Being a bit naieve about these things, I believed him. But it still made me rather insecure after awhile because it seemed like the only time we had sex was when it was conveinent for him. and when he was feeling frisky, there was no saying "no", he'd pester me until I woke up and gave in. I, on the other hand, when refused, would roll over and cry myself to sleep. To compensate for how awful I knew it felt to be refused all the time, I would allow him to "do his thing" feeling miserable, trapped, and often crying afterward. but I wouldn't say no, (not that it would have done any good) no matter how not in the mood I was. This was worse towards the end of our relationship. He was never violent. and yes, I know I am too nice.
Fast forward five years, I am long out of the unhappy relationship, have a bit more experience, and ex's best friend has become GRBF. Somehow we start talking about local adult bookstores. And he tells me that he lost count of how many times he went to these places with my ex. That it was a planned part of his errand day to stop there, use the booth, and continue on his way. GRBF would stay in the store part wander around looking at the rediculous toys and laughing, and then they would leave.
I knew my ex had a liking for porn. I would often find tapes hidden under the couch (followed by "I already took care of myself today") The guys at the video store knew him well (which is how we ended up with a copy of "Orgazmo" the only thing close to porn I care to watch) which was embarassing for me when we would go there for a regular movie, but not that big of a deal. But I had no idea he was spending time in adult bookstores. Not like that.
Over the years we were together, I developed a great insecurity about approaching my partners for sex. I will rarely initiate it for fear of rejection. I know that rejection is one of the fears I need to face, but it is difficult when it is such a deeply personal situation. I have learned from my conversations with T how convoluted my relationship with the other ex really was.
This is a man who swears he would ever cheat on his woman. But I have to think that when you are replacing a warm willing human with masterbation and porn, that there is something wrong with that. I would understand better if I was frigid, but I'm not. I told GRBF that, how he would refuse me all the time. He was surprised. Had no idea that my ex was shuning a willing partner for the booths. I have also come to understand that men don't have to have that release every day. Or, at the very least, they can think without sex. If you cannot, you have a problem.
Hearing this story last night really helped me to understand that the issue then was not with me. That there is something wrong with him, and that I did the best that I could with what I had. Although he never had contact with another woman, he still chose porn over me, and that, I think is a problem. It's over now, but I still have a lot of healing. Perhaps last night's conversation will help me along my way.
I don't have a problem with pornography. Except when it replaces human contact. For most people it is recreation, even a source of amusement. I understand now that for my ex, it was an addiction. And like drugs addiction, it affected the people (person?) he loved the most. He didn't lose me because of it (although it made a contribution) but I have to wonder if it affects him still? I won't ask, of course, I need to wander off and heal myself now.

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