Friday, May 30, 2008

It's been a crazy week

what with Cowboy's resignation and the foster kitties and I FINALLY got final word on the house.

The deal is dead.

It's complicated, all that went down, but at least I have an answer and I can move forward.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Just call it what it is

I know I am emotional lately, more so than usual and generally unable to control my pissy-ness or my leaks. (fuckin leaks. STOP ALREADY YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING 6 MONTHS AGO) I have no patience for my wild emotions. Which is probably why they go crazy when they can.


Come on. "Southern Style" chicken sandwich? with "Pollo" flashing across the screen? I am SO TIRED of the McDonalds Burritos. The "Southern Style" chicken sandwich. The constant catering to a culture that TRUST ME 'aint gonna eat that if they are jonesing for some good MEXICAN food. "Southern Style"?? You mean Southern San Ysidro. Southern of the border. NOT Southern America, or else you'd be offering Collard Greens and BBQ. With a side of black eyed peas. (mmm BBQ. I don't like the rest of that stuff BUT I will eat a few black eyed peas on New Years. If Nana makes me)

If you are trying to sell Mexican Food out of an American fast food joint (you're an idiot) call it what it is. You aren't fooling anyone. It's easy. MEXICAN. Wanna stretch it? BORDER STYLE. But not southern. Sure, Mexico is South of the USA. But it is a separate country. With different flavors and a wonderful culture.

And that has nothing to do with McDonalds Marketing.


Sunday, May 25, 2008

The gamble

I lost. It wasn't supposed to hurt this bad. I was supposed to skip away with a farewell, let's be friends, not slink away with a tear and voice in my head telling me that I've been through this before, I'll get through it again.

Of course i'll get through it again. I just really wanted to be wrong this time.

We both agreed though, we let it go on too long.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

No concept

The bank's indecision, the selling realtors difficult personality, all the things that have gone funky with my house, may have just cost me my back up plan. Can't ask my Derby Wife to pass up a confirmed roommate while I am not knowing what will happen next.

I can't stand that there are so many variables in my life. I'm a fixer. I get rid of variables as much as possible so that life isn't dramatic. There's only one variable I have control over right now. and i am too undecided about it to fix it. The other? is out of my hands and I hate that more.

These people, they don't seem to understand that their waiting is fucking with my life.

Friday, May 23, 2008


I just asked a friend of mine for a favor in the name of derby. It's a favor I had thought about before, but I don't like to ask my friends for things, especially when I don't talk to them very often. The worst he can say is no, I guess!


No news on the house. My realtor is working hard to make it happen. Sadly, it's a holiday weekend and people like to go home early.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The clouds are lifting

I have been trying to avoid talking about the house I am trying to buy too much because I haven't wanted to discuss it until it's mine, gloriously mine.

Here's something to realize when you consider this momentous occasion in my life; I have wanted to own my own home since I was, I don't know, like, 11. I understood, of course, that I would have to live in an apartment first so when I was 14 and started planning out how I would survive on whichever wage I found in the Pennysaver (we didn't get the newspaper.)and allotting an allowance for things like clothes and electricity, I knew it would be awhile before I could afford a house. No one graduates from High School and buys a house (Except Joe, who had a settlement and he bought it for his mom. He lives in an apartment). But a house! How lovely it would be.

Little did I know how hard it would be, to survive on the wages at Sea World with my then boyfriend in a 600 square foot apartment with two cats, a snake, and an ant problem. We moved out, up, and eventually on, but I still dreamed of a house. I even looked at some. Beautiful 5 bedroom homes with granite countertops and fireplaces for $250,000. A steal then. But still I didn't have it despite having a much better paying job. Those homes were going for 6 or 7 hundred thousand last I checked although they have certainly come down recently.

That was nearly 10 years ago. I have held onto my dream. I have saved. I have hoped, I have moved to Reno with the knowledge that here, more likely than in San Diego, I could finally reach my goal.

In February, I put in an offer on a lovely home. It was much like the houses I toured back in Santee. 4 bedrooms. Huge kitchen. A garage. Double oven. And it was ready to move in. And a steal at 205. You can't get a ramshackle fixer in SD for that. Then I lost my job. But the bank wasn't in a hurry, and at that point, the longer they took, the better for me. By the time they decided, I hoped, I would have another job and be able to pick up where I left off.

I got another job, but decided to pull out of the deal because the house was so far away. About 45 minutes each way and with gas prices they way they are, I didn't think it was smart to live so far out of town. Then I learned that due to my new, lower wage, I couldn't afford the house after all.

Not one to sit on my laurels, I sent my realtor a list of homes I COULD afford. The first one we looked at, we think may have doubled as a brothel. Descriptions of that one are better left to in person because it's the kind of wide eyed, hand gesturing story that I love to tell. The owner of the home was a corporation. It was a "corporate retreat". With red walls, shag carpet and a bidet that overlooked the bedroom.

The second house, was it. fixer. With potential. The cheapest house on the market but still better than the brothel. Two doors down from a skate park. The garage had been converted into what I plan on having as my craft room. a craft room. My loom and wheels wouldn't have to live in the living room. The sewing machine wouldn't have to exist on the dining room table. My yarn wouldn't take over my office. I would have an office AND a guest room. Sure, it needs work, but, it could be mine. I could even have that pretty aqua shaggy carpet that Seester and I got to feel a Home Depot.(eventually. or maybe "wood" floors!)

Baby could move back onto her regular living quarters instead of the cramped cage she has now.

We asked for repairs and an extension. I gave them my earnest money. The repairs would be rolled into my loan and cover some broken windows, electrical work, plumbing, tear down the not-permitted and dangerous patio cover, some HVAC stuff, and a new roof. (damn that new roof) The first closing date was to be the 15th of May. That got stretched to the 20th. Then we asked for another extension. To the 11th of June and the seller balked. And threatened to keep my earnest money.

And this is where we are. The seller doesn't want to authorize the repairs because they are concerned that my loan will fall through and there will be a lien on the property. FHA won't release the loan until the repairs are ordered. So I am at a standstill. And have been wandering around with a cloud over my head for about a week.

I spoke to my realtor this morning and he assured me that he was doing everything in his power to save it. About ten minutes later, the cloud lifted and suddenly, the faith that I knew was there, that feeling of well being you get when you know in your heart that everything is going to be okay reappeared. I didn't know if it was a hormone shift (hey, I'm a woman) or something good happened. There's nothing like the Fish DC to cheer me up. When they get Hermit crabs in there, I may just stay.

When Joe called about an hour later, I was in a much better mood. And The news was better. Each time I have spoken to him today, the news has been better. And for that I am grateful.

I don't know what is going to happen. Best case, I get my house. And while it will be tight and it won't be glamourous, it will be mine. I will finally get to bring my stuff out of storage, i'll have my double headed shower (oh yeah. it's already there) I'll be able to tend to my fruit trees and play in my yard. Worst case, plan B. I move in with my derby wife and have a derby posse because another derby girl lives next door to her. This won't help to dispel the rumors that we somehow form some sort of iron clad Derby Voltron, but it will make life a bit cheaper for the both of us. And I think we would have fun living together. Either way, I am in a good situation.

I still want the house. But excepting positive thinking, it's out of my hands. I'm just glad my attitude got better. I was tired of the stress.

Monday, May 19, 2008

This sums it up very nicely.

And for MORE Derby fun, If'n you are looking for something to do in Reno on May 31, come out and play with us.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

In honor of my evening with Becky

I bring you the Swedish Chef

Which only proves that there is something about the Swedish Meatballs. Or I can't handle my balls. Saucy balls. ahem.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

That hurt

In an effort to be able to pay my rent this month (just went up. lovely) I cancelled my fiber of the month subscription. That hurt tangibly.

Why do I need this house sooner rather than later?

I'll be 15 miles closer to work for one. That's 30 miles a day. 150 miles a week. About half a tank, actually, although with all the freeway driving I have been getting better milage. When I'm spending 50 bucks every couple of days to fill the tank (yes, I know that's nothing compared to what other people spend. but it's a lot for me and I don't drive a big ole SUV or giant truck. I drive a Honda.)

My mortgage will be less than my rent.

I won't be living in half my available space

I won't be paying to store my belongings (included in my rent)

Baby will be back in her cage instead of in the cramped quarters she's been living in for far too long. This bothers me every day.

So please think good, positive thoughts about escrow closing earlier than June 11, the date we requested the extension through because I don't really mind being house poor, but apartment poor sucks. I miss my fiber package already. I need to figure out how to set up a soap of the month club because it's FUN to look forward to getting something you love every month.

I should listen to the voices in my head

Last weekend I took a little trip out west partially to be with my cousin on Mother's day, and partially because I was scheduled to meet Jestertunes and company. I discovered that Jester lives a lot farther from my cousin than I thought, and that the whole crew was loads of fun. Somewhere floating around the electronicshere, there are some pretty incriminating sound bites and likely at least one of me passed out on Jester's couch. This is becoming a habit.

Last night, I met Hellohahanarf. She was here in Reno for a Propane convention. It was madness in a way that i never knew that trade shows are. Everyone was nice, everyone was friendly, almost everyone was drunk.

I am always worried that i am going to commit some sort of faux pas. Usually, i am very careful and manage to avoid any embarrassing situations. Last night, the voices in my head said I was going to spill if I ate.

Now, if I am going to drink, I have to eat. period. it's my rule. Like the one that says I can only have two if I am planning to drive home eventually. Three, and I am planning to stay or get a ride.

Last night, the drinks and the food were flowing freely. and by freely, I mean that I crashed those parties knowing that the food and booze would be gratuitous. Sweet.

I grabbed a drink, and one of Becky's boys led me to the table for some appetizery. Meatballs. mmmm. finger sandwiches. I took the last spring roll. It was calling to me. I WANTED it. it was going to be GOOD. I carefully balanced my plate on top of my drink. (you're gonna spill) and walked over to the group.(you're gonna spill) I ate the sandwich (you're gonna spill) I tried to shut the voices up with rum and coke. I went for a swedish meatball. and most everything landed on the floor. Everyone swooped in to rescue me. As with any accident, I was a bit dumbfounded. I lost the spring roll, saved one meatball, and never went back for more. The boys happily helped me to scrub the sauce off of my boob (I held out my shirt. there was no gratuituous feeling. of my breast. The boy from Canadia had already felt my butt. He said he needed to see if I was a good skater. Apparently I am.)

A second Rum and Coke and I was feeling a little tingly. We moved to the next party. I snagged a margarita. They were serving cheeze and crackers. Pepperoni and cheeze does not soak up alcohol. I sipped, and someone announced shots. Which means I finished drink 4 before drink 3 was gone. I finished my drink and went to the bathroom. When I got back, there was another margarita waiting for me. THAT one landed on the front of me. I decided it would be my last drink.

Between drunk texting and all the pictures taken with my camera, the evening was self evident. At one point, I broke off from the group and played with a couple of my roller girls. I even managed to try and recruit a couple of ladies in the club. Add that to the schmoozing I did with business men in the hopes of scoring fans and maybe a sponsor, I think I did pretty good things for my league despite being shit faced. Don't worry, they were too.

All in all, I had a wonderful time. Becky and her friends were unbelieveable. They treated me like an old friend. I can see how these things can turn into a lot of naughtiness and promescuity, but none of the people I was with indulged in that behavior. I can see why there were so many wives along. If i were a wife, I think I would want to be along too. Just to keep the naughty ladies away.

Pictures later. I am going to go watch The Parent Trap. the original one. sweet.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Having a moment

Of frustration and not really anguish but something like it. Where I just want to lay down and take a longer nap than I had time for since I am supposed to be somewhere right now. Somewhere that is going to save me almost 500 bucks in closing cost but, I just don't feel like going. I feel like staying home with my pet and my crafts watching The Family Guy and The Simpsons all evening. Hiding out, skipping loans and derby and anything else that might call my attention.

But I don't have time because I need to go to this function and after that I need to go to practice. I missed one last week, I can't keep doing that. It's my exercise. Among other things.

Too many things, too many too many, I'm having trouble keeping it together. I am worried about money, I am worried about house, I worry about my job. The money is short, and the house is having hiccups (Please FHA, I need you to hurry it up) and the job, I love it, but I am insecure after all that has happened. And they, I would have thought they would have more procedures in place.

I need to go grocery shopping and Vettie needs help, but I don't have the money, although I have more than she. I didn't sleep last night for worry about the merchandise I volunteered to take care of.

We're bouting in three weeks, a close friend is divorcing and Cowboy is lost in so many ways, looking for help I am not sure I know how to give anymore. Where do I draw the line between caring, supportive friend and frustrated, impatient woman? They are fighting with each other.

I know this is temporary, that it will all come together, and even out again, and that things bunch up like this periodically, but when you're in the middle of it, it is tough to see the calm after the storm. You know it will be there, you know you will survive, and yet, the stress of surviving is almost too much.

I gotta go. I'm half an hour late.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Derby Moments

Although scrimmaging was pretty sweet, I think my favorite moment of the evening was when I flashed my wife to get her to smile for the camera. It worked fantastically.

and no you can't see pictures, my boobs look like crap in that bra. And no, I won't take pictures so you can decide.

OH! and I promised puppy fun!!


Thursday, May 08, 2008

The silence was deafining

SO I'm out with the Cowboy, and we're minding our business, chatting as usual, at a local casino where he had heard they had good pizza (fuckin liars. ok, it was edible. but not out of this world. And mostly it was good because it had BACON on it. )

Our waitress walks up (finally) to take our order and says the following:

"You two are so IN LOVE; you're just chattin away!!"

We both stared at her. You could hear the crickets over the sound of the slot machines (shut up, we didn't know the sports bar was open to the casino, neither of us had been there before)

She walked away and we returned to our previously scheduled conversation.

puppy pictures to come. I have more pictures of the dog than the man. That's not saying much...

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Ah. That's why

It was wonderful having Poo back for a day, even though I didn't get to spend all that much time with him. I even skipped practice to spend more time with him.

But I was reminded last night after he drank a six pack and got on the phone with Clint why it is that I have enjoyed my time without a roommate. Actually, that wasn't so bad, but he left the lights on which made the bird mad and all the noise she made kept me awake.

Then I woke up all night long thinking it was too bright in my room.

Poo forgot to turn out the lights before he went to bed (they were still on this morning).

And yes, the lights on in the other room will wake me up. Ask my brother, who was afraid of the dark when he was little, and would get up in the middle of the night to turn on the hall light. Which always woke me up even though my bedroom door was closed.

I do hope that Poo gets the job in question though, and he is still, and always invited to come stay at my home for as long as he needs to. I'll just mentally prepare myself better this time for having another person in the house.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Call back to a previous Twitter

A couple of days ago, I tweeted vaguely about something that happened at work.

A coworker asked, who meets people on the internet. I replied that I met the guy I am dating on the internet.

He wanted to know his name so I told him.

Turns out he knows the Cowboy, as he used to come into his work and try and sell them parts (Cowboy is an outside parts salesman for a large truck company). Coworker never bought anything because they got all their parts from the competition, who is cheaper and has better service.

My coworker didn't really say much. I got the idea that he didn't much care for the Cowboy, and it bothered me.

I mentioned the conversation to Cowboy who remembered my coworker and seemed to be happy that he had a good job. I didn't mention the part of the story where I wasn't sure that my coworker liked him, only that he had wanted to order, but couldn't due to cost.

And still it bothered me.

I realized that I have been frequently plagued by my friends' and sometimes my family's disapproval of whomever I happened to be dating. They didn't always say so at the time, usually, it was always after the fact, "Oh, I didn't like him" or "I wasn't really sure what you were doing with that guy". "Are you sure he isn't gay?" and once, a "That guy??" (that was from an ex turned friend. our breakup was new and "that guy" was the first guy I dated after)

It is human nature to want our "tribe" to approve of the person we choose to spend our time with. In the absence of my family, my coworkers and the Roller Girls are all I have. I know that Poo likes the Cowboy, but I also know that he doesn't believe it's a lasting situation. Frankly, I don't know if it is either, but that's between Cowboy and I. He is the first guy I have gone on more than one date with that hasn't met my mother and at least one sibling.

These are the people in my world. Although I was accustomed to the people I met knowing somehow the people I knew (San Diego is kinda small that way) I have not encountered it here. Until now. I didn't like it and I felt insecure and I realized;

That mine is the only opinion that really matters.

My coworker may or may not like him, but what does that have to do with anything? My Derby Wife's boyfriend definately doesn't understand why I am okay with the status of things (he also keeps trying to find ways to introduce me to his friends), but who is he to say what is right for me at any given moment? He's a good guy, but he and DW have their issues too. And he had never seen us together; it seems to work for us right now. My Seester's silence every time Cowboy's name comes up speaks dictionaries. But I know where she is coming from. I understand. At least it's someone tangible now. At least it isn't T.

All I can say is that my eyes are wide open and my heart shut tight.

Which is how I choose to be as I spend my time with a man who isn't ready to have "a hook set in" him, but calls me almost every day.