Much of what went on during the time I dated Hi5 went unreported here because of the trouble it could cause not only between he and I but also between myself and other people who are dear and close to me. It is not a time period I am particularly proud of.
As the weeks have gone by since Hi5 moved, I've put much of it behind me with the strong exception of knowing that I don't want to become the person that I became ever again. My dear Wifey agrees. I want to keep the lessons.
No relationship, no matter how casual or serious should ever make you feel that unhappy. I will take ownership for allowing it.
I was surprised when Hi5 popped up on my instant messenger last week. I had figured that two weeks was long enough not to hear from someone to assume you aren't going to. I wasn't expecting an apology from him for the way he treated me and while I still take responsibility for allowing it, I appreciated and accepted hearing that knows he made a mistake.
I didn't ask about the rumors that still filter in; it seemed unnessesary although I am a bit curious. It doesn't matter though and if they aren't true, then it REALLY doesn't matter and if they are, knowing would only serve to make me feel badly about myself and the situation. During our chat, I didn't see any reason to bring it up. It could only hurt me.
The end of the conversation left me feeling really good about things. I was able to hear that perhaps my reactions were not unfounded and was able to tell him that I am in a really good emotional place as a result of what happened. Still.
Friday night though, Friday night things got weird again.
I was invited to Wifey's birthday party Friday night and I knew that it might be a little strange. I had not hung out with that group since Hi5 and I stared seeing each other. That was one of the things that I didn't discuss here. There had been an argument and I was basically "kicked off the island". I knew that the invite to the party meant that I was back on. It's a fun group, I missed them and I know it makes it easier on my wife when we all get along.
I arrived determined not to let the past get in the way of my present. I was not expecting another apology. I also forgot to expect to see the woman from the camping trip. When she walked through the door, my tummy did a little flip but I still said hello. I have never considered the drama to be her "fault".
The apology was for the initial set up. I appreciated it although I didn't really think it was needed. She said she didn't know he was such a bad guy. She repeated the rumors, and filled me in on a few things that I HAD asked about and was brushed off. Things that did have a ring of truth. Things that substanciated the rumors. There was so much that should have been communicated...
Camping lady came up during this time and told me that she was worried about there being weirdness between us. I was rescued from a continuation of this conversation by someone who needed to know where the guest room was. I patted her arm later. I don't want to discuss it with her. I want to move on.
To me, it's all water under the bridge. I bear no ill thoughts. Having it all brought up again made me feel dirty though. It's going to take some time for that to go away.
I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want it all to be in the past. I don't want to wonder anymore what the truth is, what was hidden, what sordid thing I was involved in without knowing. I want to keep moving forward, I want to keep feeling healthy mentally and emotionally. Whatever the truth is, I can't let it matter to me now. Hi5 has moved to Texas and I still wish him well. I hope he finds happiness there. I don't intend to see him again. Camping Lady will be a part of my world as long as I continue to be friends with her friends.
I don't want to need to talk about it here anymore either. I promised myself that I wouldn't. I don't want to be the girl that holds on far too long anymore. I think I've done a good job at that. Perhaps if things had been happier between us I might have been inclined to hold onto the idea of having him in my life again, but they weren't. And I don't want to still be talking about this in two years. Or two months. Or tomorrow.
I am hoping though, that statistically I am due for a drama free relationship. I know they are never completely drama free, but I'm tired of lies. I have dealt with a lot of them this year. Lies, rumors, drug use. I pray that the men of the greater Reno area have something better to offer.
Until then, I am still happy on my own. It's nice not to wonder when Mr Wonderful is going to wander across my doorstep because I just don't care if he does. I'm not feeling lonely, I'm not feeling needy, I'm feeling GOOD about myself and my life. Still
I get to attend my house inspection today.