Thursday, January 07, 2010

Just keep swimming...

I'm not sure where this week went. I didn't skate much, I know I went to work. I tried to spend some time at home, but here it is, Friday and I don't really remember Monday.

I think it's safe to say that things have been nuts. getting the warehouse ready to skate hasn't taken as much of my time as it has a few others, but I have been trying to pitch in when I can. It's the management part of things that has been wearing me out I think. Trying to come up with solutions that keep everyone happy. I know that's impossible. I feel caught in the middle. I finally snapped yesterday and told another board member that I needed her to stop. Because all of her input was making it that much more difficult and that I had been rendered into "an ineffective smiling asshole".

The visual made me laugh, but when I think of how often in the last week or so my only answer was to smile and bite my tongue, how often someone came to me with a wonderful idea and I had to tell them I can't make that kind of decision on my own, I want to scream. People who don't know me, and who don't know that this is not the way I like to operate. People who do know me and who are probably wondering what crawled up my ass. Why I can't give a strait answer, and what the hell is taking me so long.

Monday night I thought about walking away. handing it all over and letting someone else handle it. Someone who will ask for help and advice and who plays the game better than I do. Or maybe someone who isn't concerned about how everyone else feels and who won't allow anyone to make her feel bad about herself and the decisions she does make.

I think I just need to skate. Hard, long, until I'm worn out and stop having trouble sleeping because there's too much to think about. Till I'm dripping with sweat and bleeding on the rough concrete. It felt so good to roll last night. I didn't get enough of it. It won't make me think less, but it will make me feel better physically.

Maybe tomorrow.

I miss my house too. The puppy butt has spent too much time in his kennel this week. Did I count 17 hours for him in there on Monday? I know I was up for 21. Maybe more. I got to the point where I couldn't count the hours any more and I still couldn't sleep. Sending texts back and forth with a friend until I realized that I had to be up and ready for work in 5 hours and I had to at least pretend to sleep so I could function the next day. Then wishing I hadn't ended the conversation because I was wide awake and at least I was able to snooze a little in between the replies. That friend has been silent ever since. Which isn't strange, but it is. I'm trying not to think about it. Trying not to worry about it. Sadly, that is not in my nature. But I still have to stop it. I can't worry about that anymore.

Manic. I think that's the best way to describe it. But I can be Manic at home as long as I can focus at work.

How the hell do I think I can add dating if I can't even handle what I've got? Maybe trying is a mistake. (here we go again) Not that there's anyone asking, but how do I think I can add another person? Or is it the trying that makes me feel better about being single? Or is it all about breaking the cycle?

c wrote back the other day. his girlfriend moved in and they are happy and cozy and even though that was over a long time ago it still hurt. I can't decide if it's because she's parked where I used to park or if it's because he's managed to move on and find someone special and I keep failing. I'm happy for him. I would never begrudge someone their happiness.

I'm trying, I swear. I try to accept things the way they are. I try to make good choices. When I catch myself stuck on someone who isn't stuck on me, I try to move on. One might say I try too hard, but it's who I am. I try to go with the flow but sometimes, the flow stops and I can either tread water or swim a little. I guess right now I just can't tell if I'm swimming upstream or down.


BrattyD said...

I hate that you feel like that with derby... not quite sure what, but you let me know if there is EVER anything I can help with...

ella said...

too much is too much hun.
let some of it go...
so you can see straight...
and give the things you DO love doing...
the attention they deserve..
starting with you.

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