Thursday, February 19, 2009

Having a broken picker hurts

It’s over between B and I.

It turns out that he was lying about a lot more than just the ex wife living with him. Among other things, he is a pot smoker and anyone who knows me knows that is one of the biggest deal breakers of them all.

But he lied to me. Whatever reasons he gave, it was all a lie. He looked me in the eye and he told me a lie. He said were no more secrets. That he had come clean with everything. Apparently, there was more.

And once again, I feel like a fool. I don’t want to stop trusting people I don’t want to think that every man is lying. I wanted to believe him. And that hurts too.

I ended it over email, which I told myself I wouldn’t do ( I also said I would never pull a fade away because I know how much it sucks) but, as I told Wifey and Seester, I can’t sit across another table drinking coffee and hearing him promise that there are no more lies.

I told him I had no more understanding or forgiveness. I think I have had more than I should have. I told him I didn’t think we should try to be friends. I told him goodbye.

I’ve always hated goodbyes.

I deleted all of his text messages. Put all his remaining emails into a folder to be deleted later. I pulled him out of my contacts. Off my phone, and will be un-friend-ing him on Facebook. I’m not even sure how to do that but I guess I will learn!

But the funny thing is, that the universe brought a boy into my life last week. It takes good care of my feelings, providing comfort when my heart gets broken. I thought he slipped away but our relationship was cemented on Monday. And that one? Is a keeper. Pictures to come.


Later:

I wrote this right after the emails went back and forth, goodbye, goodbye. I managed to keep it together all day at work and all the way home. When I opened my facebook page, the first thing I saw was a poke from B, something that we used to joke about, something that between us was more than a friendly gesture. I lost it then. I still haven't found it and deleting him from my friends proved to be more difficult than I ever imagined. Without a doubt, I did the right thing. But it still hurts. I know, the end usually does, and I keep reminding myself of all the cliches. When one door closes, another opens. There's one out there for me. He wasn't the right one. There's plenty more fish in the sea.  I have heard them all. I have comforted myself with them more times than I can count. It still hurts. All day I kept expecting an email or text. That's normal too. I've been there before too. Too many times. You get used to that constant communication. I got used to Louie's all night text fests, I got used to the Cowboy's nightly calls and my weekly visits with him. I was accustomed to T's constant emails, after it was techically over between us (yet I still held onto hope)

I wanted a future with the man I spent my time with over the last six months. Really, the one he presented to me in the first place. He had 3 kids and an ex wife who lived healthy and happy in another house. His kids were well adjusted and he was drug free. He treated me kindly.

He never really stopped treating me kindly. He was just lying the whole time about most of it. That hope was dashed when I got that message on myspace. I knew in my heart that it was likely the beginning of the end but i wanted to try. I wanted to know that I gave it every chance. That I wasn't giving up at the first sign of difficulty. But truly? I also know that the first signs started months ago. The man I was presented was not the truth. Regardless of what he tells me he was never the truth. I have never (that I know of) been lied to like that. Small fibs, I'm sure. Those happen. There were even a couple I knew were lies but I kind of understood so I let it go. This is big stuff. The stuff that came out last week, invaded my every moment, especially on Saturday when every time I looked at him I thought, he lied. I think he knew what I was thinking. There was a tension that wouldn't go away. Maybe he felt that too. 

The evil ex? succeeded in his plot to make trouble. But I cannot blame him. He wouldn't have had any ammo if B had not lied.


3 comments:

Osbasso said...

Aw, this sucks. Sounds like you're doing the right thing by erasing all the 'stuff'. No need to be hanging on to it.

Probably another cliche, but there really are good guys out there. The ones like B tend to give my gender a bad reputation...

Ginamonster said...

I know all men aren't bad. I just tend to find the ones that are bad for me!

No Celery Please said...

That is sad for you... but better to get out early. My sister was married to a liar like that and it took her ten years to get out... that she will never get back.

Still, that doesn't make it any less painful for you now. I am sorry.