Tuesday, December 13, 2011

But I'm not, I promise! Am I?

I probably would have brushed it off if he had been the first to say it. But he wasn't.

I could own up to it without a problem when Patty asked if I had some sort of issue with her last spring. No, that, I could see. I was under a lot of stress and for awhile expressed my frustration in a very negative manner. I turned into a complete bitch. That was my wake up call, last spring, to shape up because it's one thing to feel bitchy, but a whole other to be mean. Patty hadn't done anything. I told her that, and apologized.

Then, a couple of months ago, after I reconnected with an old friend and neighbor, it kind of happened again. He posted something melancholy on FB and I responded. I said I was sorry to hear he was going through that thing. And I was. I've been through the thing he mentioned. More times than I can count. More times than you know. He responded that he was expecting something sarcastic and mean. This from someone I hadn't seen in at least ten years. What kind of impression did I give at the wedding? What did I say? What did I post to FB that said that I am cold and callous? I know I wasn't always nice back then, but what 14 year old is nice to the younger boy next door? Not that he deserved it, but that I had hoped I had grown out of that. We're both adults now.

Brother lost his phone last weekend. And I admit, my response to his FB post about it could easily be taken the wrong way. He didn't know if I was being sarcastic or kind. I was being kind. I really did think it was sad that he lost his phone, he was very excited about it. He waited a long time to get it. It wasn't really lost, it turns out, but stolen. Even worse.

And then the text. The one that said that I'm not always nice. The one that I could brush off as kidding if it didn't ring true.

I didn't set out to be a mean girl. Jack said that it isn't that I am mean, but that I don't always think about how things will affect other people... But that doesn't sound like the person I want to be either. I'd like to know when I changed or if I have always been this way. It is not who I want to be.

It's  obviously time for an attitude adjustment.

I catch myself at work a lot. Bratty laughs at me because when I catch myself I declare that I'm not going to bitch for "x" amount of time. But truly, I just want to break the cycle of complaining. it brings down morale. Mine and Her's. That's also not who I want to be.

I need to rediscover the me that I like. If only I could figure out when I lost her.

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