Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Disorderly eating part 4

Don't get me wrong, I know I could try harder. But I also know that I have come a really long way from the kid who ate 1 meal a day to a woman who makes sure that she has plenty to food to eat throughout the day.

I can no longer skip meals. I used to periodically turn evil, now I turn evil and then into an emotional, paranoid mess. Thankfully, I am rational enough to question whether what I am feeling is reasonable or if, perhaps, I need to eat something. This is all very recent, the emotional rollercoaster, I'm still learning to deal with it. Believe me, no one needs to see me spontaneously crying in costco while I decide whether I should have a hot dog now or wait and eat something "real" when I get home. (Neither. I had Qdoba. Way too much food but so, so, tasty. And better for me than a hot dog. I even skipped the cookie)

I try to add more veggies to my diet. I try to portion my meals instead of eating everything in sight like a ravenous dog not certain where her next meal will come from. I no longer have donut emergencies. Actually, since I don't have ready access to a snack machine, I don't crave sweets like I used to. I do have trouble if it's on my desk or in the break room. I still want to eat what I see. I try to eat nuts or craisins for a snack if I get hungry; that is what is in my "snack" drawer now instead of donuts.

I'm not sure if my bad childhood eating habits brought me to this place of crazy or if it is genetic, but there is a thyroid test in my future which is your past because I am preposting. I'm sure I'll let you know what the outcome is. I can't starve myself (I can barely go one a gentle diet without getting all spacey at the end of the week), and I shouldn't have to exercize constantly (reasonably, yes) to maintain a healthy body weight.

It's possible that my bloodwork will come back normal and that I do indeed have to exercise constantly and cive up cookies completely. Part of me hopes not. The other part doesn't really want to be on meds for the rest of my life.

By the time you read this, I may even have answers.

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