Theme of the day

In keeping with today's theme, this will be my last blog post of 2006. Next month will mark two years that I started writing in earnest. I never thought that I would have regular readers. I always hoped I would. Thank you, those of you who care enough to stop by and see what I am up to each day.

What are my resolutions for next year?

Eat less Mac and Cheeze. really. honestly. because there is something wrong with the fact that my last meal for 2006 came out of a box. AND the fact that I added kielbassa to it? makes it worse. ugh. I ate too much.

and

Don't kiss anyone tonight that will make me want to gag and will cause a bad case of the heebie jeebies for months after. Truly, I'm still traumatized. blah. blah, blah.

The rest of what I have are plans. Plans are something I am far more likely to see through. I plan to work harder at growing my business. I plan to continue to pay off the credit card. I plan to continue to better myself as a person. I plan to fit into a size 8 for Bug Guy's wedding.

Best wishes and be safe you guys. I am off to the parties. I baked cookies and I want to drop them off to those who will get them. My mom's party, Wayne. My hardowrking coworers at Harbucks who have to be there until 10:45 tonight. And if they don't eat them all, to my hardworking coworkers who will arrive early tomorrow while I am busy sleeping off my hangover.
I'll see you next year. I hope i don't have any "good" stories for tomorrow!

Work? What's that?

I should be working, or at least not blogging at work, but, um, there's no one here and I don't feel very motivated right now to put away drawings and rearrange the stick set.

Yesterday I was having the same issue so I was checking out Miss Britt's blog roll and found this woman.

http://mustgethobby.blogspot.com/

She made me laugh so hard I cried and coworker got all concerned because I was teary. Really. Mist 1 says a lot of the things I am thinking. I can't quite figure out how much of her stories are true and how much are made up, but it's balanced enough to keep you reading. I got through her entire archives. The new ones. Apparently there was an old blog, but she shut it down. something to do with an illegal waxing incident and a court case.

MEANWHILE, C's girl is coming to twon and he invited me to go to dinner with them and some friends. I have to work that night. Faced with this situation, the flip side of which I was going through precisely three years ago with C, I panicked. and suddenly insecure Gina came out. Can I handle meeting her? What if she's prettier than me? What if she isn't pretty at all and therefore I am not pretty either because he dated us both? (For the record, I never really understood what he saw in Lorena based on her pictures, but she must have something about her because she dated the most handsome of the kings from the show at Excalibur) Can I really meet this person? Can I truly handle that my ex is dating someone even though I don't want to be with him anymore? what if she gives me the death stare like Biker Bob's female friends did that time he brought them into the store to meet me? (it was so bad my coworker commented on it)

So I decided to do what any other woman would do in my situation. I invited him to bring her to the store to meet me after dinner. And I'm making her a scarf.

Here's what I figure. And this goes doubly for the girl that Coffee Crush brings in. I can be catty like anyone else. I can easily dislike someone for being with the man I want to be with or for being with an ex, whether I want to be with him or not. But this does not accomplish anything. So, I choose to be nice. Swallow my hurt pride and dissapointment and look at these women not as competition, but as potential friends. Being bitchy will not endear me to my friend the ex, or the attractive man. These women do not deserve my distain. It is not thier fault I have jealousy. They are pursueing thier happiness. How can I fault them for that?

Am I being fake? not really. Beyond my human reactions, I truly want to be nice. I don't want to give dirty looks like my coworker who also has a crush on Coffee Crush. I want to befriend the girlfriend of my friend, I respect him and love him and want him to be happy. And I don't want weirdness between us because I want to keep my friend. I also don't want to do to her what Lorena did to me. I always said that in the flip situation, I would do differently. Now is my chance.

And Coffee Crush? hardly knows I exist. Somehow I don't think he thinks of me when I am not standing in front of him pouring his drink. And if the Magic Pirate Heead is correct, there is no future between us. I won't be mean over a crush. It's bad for my soul.

I hope I finish the scarf before Tuesday.

Must stop reading snarky blogs

Chris, the fellow at my other work who I have a minor crush on and who once declared me an elf prompting me to go out and buy green shoes sent me an email just now. It said:
"Are you guys heading to lunch soon?"

to which I replied:

"Would that be me and my other personalities? Or do I have a conjoined twin stuck somewhere I can't see?"

No wonder I can't score a date outside of the internet.

No Title today

I am finding work to be increasingly frustrating. For 3 and a half years I have been working towards a goal. My job is to be in control. My game? Documents. And I watch every day as that control slips through my fingers more and more. Sure, I go through the motions. I do what I can. In a lot of ways I don't think it is getting better, I think it is getting worse.

It used to be that my boss and I were the only ones in our department who had AutoCAD, and therefore all drawings were created by us. Now, there are 6 or 7 people with the program and in some cases, only limited experience with it. Today, I found an entire cache of documents that we were unaware of. I have been told to pretend they are not there.

The Architect, can't be bothered with properly numbering, dating, or noting revisions. I said something once. I was warned that someone got fired for that once. I keep my mouth shut. I like my lifestyle. Harbucks alone canot support that. add that to the fact that I am rarely told when a check print becomes a real drawing, and you can see how I might need to gripe a bit. In the end? No As Builts.

My Executive Director, bless him, hands out documents like candy. I am the one who is embarassed when someone comes along and asks what drawing a vendor has. That information is supposed to be recorded. Th drawings are supposed to be signed out and tracked. I can't do that when they are being passed around without my knowlege.

I thought expressing that to someone other than my coworkers would help. Sorry about the work rant. The thing is, that I am a little bored, I think. in addition to being frustrated. But I don't want to leave because I have excellent pay, great benefits, and I will be fully vested in my 401K next year. More free money for my retirement someday. I don't want to start over somewhere new only to find the same shit. I just want to make soap.

I'm slipping in other ways, I slept through my alarm today and was late. At Harbucks, I get so stressed and frazzled I can hardly function. And I know that isn't who I am.

Work aside, things are great. I still maintain that quitting Match.com was a brilliant idea. I still maintain that I would like for my coffee crush to ask me out on a date. The more I get to know him, the more I WANT to get to know him. Could just be because he's cute. It's also possible that he has a girl in his life based on one I've seen him around a lot lately. Deep down though, I think it's terribly nice to be interested in someone who isn't T. It's healthy. Sure, I'm all goofy and twitterpated and all shy and embarassed, even though I try to hide it (I'm a blusher. I can't hide anything). But its a hell of a lot better than pining. A hell of a lot better than crying and beating myself up for "letting such a good one get away" Distraction has always been my best healer, and Coffee Crush does an excellent job of it. I also helps that I have not heard from T. I am worried about him. He will either come back into my world, even if on the fringes, or he won't. Either way, there's nothing I can do but be his friend. I will always be his friend. I care about his state of being.

I had a wonderful time at work last night. One question. I think this is an old wives tale. that it is possible to get Pink Eye from getting, um, secretions in your eye. You know, because sometimes that happens to people, and um, according to my coworker, it's a source of pink eye, but I'm thinking that there should not be bacteria in that um secretion. And don't ask how it came up in conversation. I'm having a good giggle over the thought that my seesters and my cousin will read this. But they are used to me by now.

and in closing, as requested, Gina the Ass Kisser




Gotta love Oatman. Happy HNT

God only knows what I'd be without you

watching "Love Actually" for the upteenth billionth time yesterday and today (because I rarely watch an entire film without stopping it and leaving and then coming back to it) Something hit me on this fine sun-filled Christmas Eve.

(Not coming from a strongly religious background, Christmas in my family is more about the time we get to spend together and showing our love than a celebration of the birth of Christ. I look forward to this time of year, not because of the hope for gifts,but for the oportunity to spend quality time with them. The day is filled with warm fuzzy feelings, booze and chocolate.

So anyway, watching the movie, and on to the end and the lyrics spelled out above, I was struck so hard that I had to leave my Cream of Wheat cooling on the coffee table and write. It's moments like these that I am very thankful for my computer.)

My family. I bless them every day. Sure, they drive me nuts sometimes (or often, Brother) but they are mine, and I love them. Deeply. Wihout bounds, and without adjenda. It's the only way I know how to love, and I hope that I never know any other way. They are my support system. They are my self. They are my soul, my inspiration, my roots. They help me to fly, they keep me grounded when nessesary.

I know what I would be without them.

So to my family, on this fine sun-filled Christmas Eve, and to my dear friends who are the family I have chosen for myself, I love you. Even if I don't see you, even if I don't call or write. Even if it feels like I have fallen off, I love you.

I would be nothing without you.

I'll never doubt again.

until the next time, of course



So, anytime I have a question or want to feel like I don't have control over my destiny, I ask the Magic Pirate Head. and really? it hasn't been wrong. well, except about a few things that remain to be seen. Tonight, I finally got around to asking it about Coffee Crush. After a lot of "No way, matey" answers, it finally told me to walk the plank. So I said, fine, I'll ask a question I know the answer to, just to prove it wrong.

"Will I ever talk to Biker Bob again"

"Clear Sailing ahead"

HA! I thought, that is SO not true, he's not in my life anymore.

Tonight he walked into my store. And hung out for awhile. We made small talk. It was awkward and really quite freaked me out. partially because I really never expected to see him again, and partially because the Magic Pirate Head said I would. and then I did. Coincedence? maybe.

On the flip side, Coffee Crush and I actually had conversation over it. Because Wayne was saying all sorts of mean things. I tried to stress that it just wasn't a good match. Not a good fit. That he's a good fellow beyond his grizzled look (he has allowed his beard to grow and was wearing clothes that I wouldn't leave the house in, but I am not him, and he should be comfy in his clothing). That I am not ashamed of having dated him, we just weren't right for each other. But conversation. That's a good thing.

Wayne, of course, helped the conversation take a mildly naughty turn when it appeared that CC pointed out my boobs and asked if they were free (No, they'll cost you dinner) Sometimes I both curse and bless that man in the same breath.

I was...

going to post a lovely picture of me kissing an ass, but Rich posted this and I had to play too and since I found the need to send it to everyone I know who might get a giggle out of it, I'm posting it to you too.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=df767be62e6d753ecb0a458G06121604

Where'd I go??

Sorry I have been lax in my posting, it isn't that I haven't had anything to say, and no, I'm not going through another crisis (everything is still great since I quite that foolish dating idea) I was at my Grandparents in Arizona, and although they do indeed have internet (Grandpa is a computer nut. The man knows more about computers than some of the guys in my IT dept...) I didn't feel as though it would be right to be on thier machines blogging and checking my email. So I went SEVERAL days without either. and I am ashamed to say that it was hard.
I am back now, and I will be posting fun stuff tomorrow. You know, after I catch up on all you folks...

Perceptions

It must drive them crazy, I think. I'm not really sure because I only speak to them in passing. I wondered, for example, who stole my spells. Harmless ones, but they gave me hope, and that is what these things do. They give you hope so that you can focus on the goal. Make things happen.

Two coins, on my front door mat. An ugly thing that Tim left when he moved away. I have never bothered with changing it. It would be a silly expense. Unnessesary when I have a whole world of yarn to buy instead. I wipe my feet on it. It doesn't need to be fancy.

There was a penny there, when I moved in, and I left it. I decided that with a penny at my door, soon there would be more. I added another, a Canadian equivelant. Hoping this time, to attract a Canadian*. That one I knew was a bit of folly. Regardless of what they did or did not bring, they made me smile each time that I saw them.

Once day they were gone. I wondered who would snag my coins. It has bothered me for several months. Not the kind of bother that eats at you, but the kind that pops into your head at odd times before floating out again.

When I brought home my tree last weekend, and carried it up to my door, I made a little mess. As it slammed down on the dormat, pineneedles scattered thickly onto the porch. I know I should have cleaned them up, the vaccume** was two feet away and still plugged in from earlier in the day. But I left them. Partly because I am damn lazy and partly I think, because I like stepping on them.

As I was sitting among my clutter this evening, I heard a strange sound near my door. It didn't take me long to puzzle it out. My neighbor was sweeping my doormat. It must drive them crazy, I think, that I leave things out like that. Untidy. careless. I can hear the vaccume next door right now, furiously cleaning. I like to vaccume. I just don't get around to it very often. If the pine needles had been inside, they would be gone. If the pennies had littered my carpet, they would never have had that adventure on the porch.

I'm glad I don't feel the need to tidy other people's living space, you never know what sort of magic you are sweeping away.


*In reference to that Canuk, it obviously didn't work, but maybe it had a different outcome, I just don't know it yet!
**I have never been able to spell this word.

Goat Stories

Some of you may remember my goat. Oh how I loved him. Oh how he drove me absolutely crazy. Oh how I wonder how he is doing now, more than a year later. Without further ado, here is Cody. Finally.

Holiday Stories

Sunday, I put my tree up, but I was so wrapped up in my dramas that I needed to blog about those instead of that. So, since I am picture happy, I thought I would share it with you. I tried to rotate it so that it was upright, but for some reasonit wouldn't go.



While I was unpacking, I found this. A momento of a time when I lived in domestic bliss and was looking forward to a future with C. We bought it at Disneyland to celebrate our first Christmas living together. I remember thinking ahead to the future and how great it would be be hang it on the tree every year (Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney Princess) I considered packing it away.



I hung it anyway. Since there is no prince currently in my life, I covered his head. I know he looks like a member of the KKK, but since I think the whole thing is pretty funny, The paper stays.


There are a few things you will notice about my tree. The paper garland, I made for my first tree my first year in my own apartment. I was broke and had to use what I had available. After that, I think my trees were bigger if I had one at all, so I didn't use it. This year, since my tree is little, I put it out. (hee hee. I put out) I love paper chains. They remind me that the simple things in life can be the most decorative, the most fun. There is something white hanging to the left there the branches break. That's an angel I made out of noodles when I was in Americorps. She holds a little gold noodle tree. That was one of the gifts I gave that year. and the crowining glory...



I don't know what I did with the star that went on top of my tree, but Kermit was my first tree topper. He is always somewhere on my tree, and this year he has returned to the place of honor.

I would love to see your trees! If I don't visit your blog regularly, leave me a comment and I will go look.

No cutisie name

I gathered my courage and called Ben to tell him that I was cancelling our outing on Wendesday. it was hard to do. I told him the truth. That I didn't feel we were compatible and that it just didn't click for me. I also told him I wasn't ready to be dating. When he asked if anything happened recently my reply was, "Not necessarily", which might be a stretch, but wasn't a deliberate lie. I didn't want to talk about it. I told him I had pulled my profile, that I am just going to stay home and knit. Whch is true.

I feel bad that he bought a whole pile of soap. i am tempted to not cash the check. But I have to think of it as a business transaction, not something with emotional attachments. I hope he sees it the same way.

I had the opportunity to use work as an excuse. One of the girls called me and asked to switch shifts. I told her I would call her back after I talked to Ben. Because I didn't want to use an excuse, I wanted to be truthful. I'm glad I was.

He's a nice fellow. I truly do wish him the best. I don't think I am the best. Not for him anyway.

And dating? no thank you. I thought it would be fun. an adventure. but I found that there is too much drama. Too many questions, too much suspense. I never was one for suspense. Thanks, I'll go back to working on me.

wow

What a diffrence. I'm not saying I'm cured, I'm saying that something inside me feels better since I ended the date-o-rama experiment. I think I took it too seriously. I think it was too important to me, and I think that I was forcing myself into a situation that made me uncomfortable. I'm sure this is not the end of my neurosis, but I do feel as though I have been set back on the right course.

There is still a slight chance of showers. but the sun is peeking through and I have hopes to see a rainbow soon. and if not? at least some clear skies.

As for the rest? I'll work through it. I just have to allow myself the time to do it. Quit being impatient. Focus on the things I love to do instead of on having someone to do them with.

And maybe when I get things back to normal, I will stop being so cranky. I've been pretty cranky lately. For example, a woman just walked into my office and asked where the bathroom was. And after she left all I could think was, "Didn't you see the sign on the door that says 'Not an entrance??'". I almost grumbled about it to Coworker, but thought better of it. She wasn't very open to my snarky remarks about that lady on Friday.

It seems to me,

As though all of my madness started in earnest (although I think i have been working up to it for awhile) when I signed up for Match.com and started looking to date again. So I'm going to say that my sister was right. I am not ready to date again, despite the amount of time that has passed, and I cancelled my membership and hid my portrait. I feel better already.

Tomorrow I need to call yesterday's date and let him know that I am not interested and cancel our outing for wendesday. I don't see any reason to go, I know how I feel. This has helped me to better understand why Diver Dan didn't give me one more chance to make a good impression. He knew. And I feel better understanding that. I would email, but that seems like a cop out. A way to hide behind my ability with the written word. (If ever you think that I might be ineloquent in writing, you have never spoken to me in person.) Courage. All I need is courage.

I'll keep my crush on my favorite eye candy. I doubt it will go anywhere despite my coworker telling a mutual aquaintence that he should hook us up. (I was mortified) But it is harmless and helps me to learn to speak with men I am attracted to. Which is a good thing.

The rest will heal with time.

Lately

Lately it seems as if I cry more frequently than I smile. or laugh. I've been giving the same answer to questions about myself. How's life? How are you? or Worse, when T said I looked good, "you know. same as always".

I am not a typically meloncholy person. I am not accustomed to more than a few tears over sappy comercials. I thought it might be imbalance. That I have been working too much. But I don't think that's it anymore. Since I can sense that there is something amiss, I don't think that it is my favorite family affliction. (BiPolar Disorder). Whatever it is, I want to fix it.

And T? every time I think about it I feel physically ill. So I try not to think about it. It's not working. So when I can't help it? I try to spin it in my head into something positive. It's what I do. But it's not working. And I return to the same old delimma. But I wonder if that is even valid anymore. You see, I already made a fool of myself. the card, on the flowers was signed, "Love". It was after he read it that he told me about her. I watched him slide it into his pocket. Likely so that she wouldn't find it by accident. I just wanted to run but he kept me there with his small talk. I am so thankful that she was not there. I would have felt a thousand times the fool. At least, as things stand, I know I did what my heart told me to do. It bothers me that I don't want it to work out. I told him I want his happiness, but I didn't say that I want that happiness to include me.
The logical part of me knows that there are a lot of things that T has to come to grips with. That he has to find his happiness within himself. That he can't keep running from himself. I have always known that about him. He's threatening to move east again. Which is better than what he said before about not wanting to commit suicide. yet.
I ask myself why I would want to be with someone like this. You know, cracked. I tell myself that eventually, he would run from me too. I think he did run from me in many ways. And better than he runs from me know than later, when there are children. Then I tell myself that I am rediculous, and that I have to accept the reality of I am not the woman he wants to be with. But every instinct in my soul tells me otherwise. Every empathetic ability says something else when he looks at me.
The truth is, that look though I might, I have yet to meet anyone who I like to talk to as much. Who shares my interests the way he does. Who like to make wild plans the way I do. Every time someone contacts me on that damndable internet dating site I hope that there will be a click. A match if you will. But there is nothing. Not with Scuba Steve, not with yesterday's guy. Or really any of the other several men I am chatting with.

Yesterday's guy said something that really hit home. I didn't say it then. He talked about a children's book that decribed how when people get their wish, they stop evolving. It was a book on evolution but I understood it differently. And although I said at the time that I hope I never stop evolving, I also wondered if that was the real reason I hadn't gotten my wish. The only wish I can really remember making. The reason I stopped making wishes. Because once I thought it had come true, and it wasn't at all what I thought. I learn so much from each experience that I have that I wonder if there is so much more for me to learn that it is unlikely that I will get my wish any time soon. That doesn't lift my spirits! I miss the kind of interactions that occur between a man and a woman. Not sex. I have learned to exist without that, although that is part of it. there's a closeness you feel when you are with someone you care about. a closeness I have not felt in a long time.

But wait, you say, there was Biker Bob.
There are many things I did not discuss about my relationship with Biker Bob. I think I have said that more than once. Out of respect for our relationship, if it can be called that, I kept it off the internet. the truth is that it started falling apart as soon as it began. He would be late to see me, then show up smelling of beer. (in his defense, I knew he was out playing with his friends.) Further interactions were unsatisfying. We were more "nakid sleepover friends" than lovers. He spent more time falling asleep despite my attentions than responding to them.
His sense of play was different than mine. I tried to end it when I realized that we didn't play well together, but he wanted to keep dating.
I sprained my ankle the night I picked him up from the airport. (from a visit to his family) The next day, I'm sure I mentioned that he helped me put on my shoes. Drove me to the hospital. Once I had my AirCast, we spent all day running his errands. walking through stores until late into the evening. After that, I would count weeks between physicality, often days between kisses, even though we saw each other every day.
I invited him, at one point to my Friend's birthday party. He said he would show up, even got directions. But he never did. Got distracted, he said. Didn't really feel like it. When I confronted him, his response was, "no one there was waiting for me...except you" Still I held on. There was just enough to keep me taround. A caress here, a quick kiss there.
I am sad for the woman I became. Waiting for any sort of physical attention because it was better than none. When he stopped paying attention to me, (i don't require a lot, but when I'm there, don't act like you wish I wasn't) when we were both too busy, I realized it was time to let it go. I knew I should have before. I talk about it now because we are no longer speaking. I hope he finds the love he seeks.
I am not a convienence item. Some is not always better than none.
I'm not saying that it was all his fault. I was not giving him what he needed either. I'm not going to pretend I did the best that I could. I just think it shouldn't have continued as long as it did. I think it did me more harm than good.

It feels good to talk about these things. To send them out into the web for all the world to see. It's hard, now, because I have always used the same user name, and I worry about who might stumble across what I have written. i'm glad that I have not abandoned my written journal for all the secrets that I keep.

I feel a bit renewed again. Maybe I have just been holding my emotions inside for so long that they have made me sick in the soul. But only like, the flu. I just need to sweat it out. I hope it lasts. I'm running out of Toilet paper.

It was a ten year relationship

and sadly, it went bad. I had been looking to get out of it for a little while, but today was the final straw.

Yes. today I recieved my insurance renewal, and they raised my rates. so I dumped that bastard and found someone newer and cheaper. With better coverage. HA

It went kind of like this...

I may just be bitchy today. I am the first to admit that I am dealing with an onslaught of emotions and I am unused to dealing with this many "issues" at once. (there's the T thing, which makes me ill every time I think about it which, I try NOT to think about it, but you know how that works. And tomorrows date. And lack of sleep. And a few other things that I don't really care to mention.)

So.

(overheard)"Gina has some drawings for us?"

Hearing my name I pop up and around the corner. I see a woman I have never seen before at my door.

G "Hi"
Lady "you have some drawings for us?"
G "Who is 'us'?"(I filled 6 drawing requests today. There were several that had not been picked up, not to mention a few from days past)
Lady "I am so and so with such and such"
G "Ok, but who are the drawings for?"
Lady "So and So"
G "Ok here you go"
Lady "Nice to meet you"
G "yeah nice to meet you too. have a nice day"

After she left, I grumbled a bit at coworker. She said that she knew the lady and that it wasn't her fault, I said I had never seen her before. The reason I was grumbly? I don't like guessing games. At all. Had she come to the door and said some version of the following, I would have been all smiles.

"Hi. My name is such and such with so and so. Whozit sent me to pick up her drawings"


Another grumbly point? A request came in today for a document to be fedexed. I got everything ready and realized I only had a PO Box for the company. I called the PE. A couple of hours later she called back and said she didn't have a better address and did I call them? (it's not that I mind calling, it's that I am expected to do so when I think it is her responsibility to provide useful info about her vendors) I called. They are off on Fridays. I guess I will not be sending the document until Monday!

Liner Notes: Oh, That's Rich!

Liner Notes: Oh, That's Rich!

I'm really proud of my comment here. heh.

In addition

to providing distracting eye candy through out the evening last night, the Universe has seen fit to gift me with $200, won at today's holiday pep rally. wow.

I considered skipping work today because I wasnt certain how my emotions would be. As some of you know, this is unusual and even after a major breakup, I am usually at work the next day. So I must have been especially upset yesterday. Aren't I glad I felt better this morning?

and now...

something a little less serious.

Somehow

Somehow I made it though my shift without a melt down. I have to give thanks that on this, one of my more temultuous days, the universe was kind enough to place my favorite eye candy in my store the entire evening. I even had a small conversation with him. Sadly, I was all mopey and teary. I am also blessed with the sweetest co workers who acted extra silly and did ther best to distract me when it was obvious I was thinking.

This too, shall pass and life will return to what passes as normal. Just a little speed bump, that's all. I would still like to know what the lesson is. I'm going to bed. It's where I have wanted to be all evening. I don't know that I will make it to work tomorrow. I am not feeling well. Every time I allow myself to ponder that, the following quote comes to mind,

"put on your big girl panties and deal with it"

Among bad ideas, this one was apparently bad

I finally heard from T, who indicated that he wasn't doing so well in many areas of his life. I thought it would be nice to leave him flowers. I didn't expect him to be home.

my florist, only stocks red and white roses, so although I really wanted to give him orange, I chose red.

As I knelt down to place the flowers on his porch, he opened the door. He invited me in. He said he was on his way out.

He said he is seeing someone.

We made small talk, I told him I didn't mean to cause trouble with the flowers. I waited until I was a block away before I cried. I've been trying to prepare myself for this for a long time. I knew that eventually it would come up. I thought I was doing something nice.

I didn't know it would hurt this badly. I mean, I thought it might, but I didn't want it to.

Not only have I hurt myself, but likely this girl too. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I wouldn't cause trouble. She has never met me. And now I have gone and upset her, which is something I would never intentionally do.

I know I am trying to ignore my feelings and concentrate on her. He must really like her if he told me about her. It's hard to see someone else with the person you want to be with. I'm really glad she wasn't there. I would really be a basket case.

I just don't want to hurt anymore. I had really hoped that by the time this day came that I would have met someone great and that I wouldn't mind so much. That there would be a little pang and that's it. Seester suggested that I am not as ready to meet someone as I want to be. But part of wanting to meet someone is wanting to overwrite the memory.

I want to curl up in my bed but I have to work. They called me in early. I hope I am distracted enough.

trying again

I just got off the phone with a fellow I have been talking to for a week or so. We seem to have similar interests in matters of the unseen, which is good. Since we mostly talked about me, I'm not sure yet what else we have in common. But anyway, we are going to meet on saturday during the day. I'll keep you all updated. And I will try not to go off the deep end this time.

In the absence of anything else at the moment...

I just took a quiz. Now I need to look this lady up!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?

You're Lili St. Cyr!
Take this quiz!








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In less serious news...

I went to a craft fair today and am pleased to report that i did very well at it. That isn't the issue here. If you have visited my website or know anything about my products, you know that one of my more popular products is "Butt Soap". I named it that because I think it's funny. That also is not the point.

Most events, I get to sit back and laugh while people dare each other to smell the Butt Soap. Some flat out refuse to sample the scent which, for the record, is Peppermint.

Today, I was talking to a girl of 17 and her younger sister

TANGENT ALERT (today was cool because I got to explain to a couple of different kids about how soap is formed in a chemical reaction caused by mixing acids and bases. They thought that was cool. I pointed out that it is a lot cooler than mixing baking soda and vinegar. I mean, I got them a little bit excited about Chemistry! score one for Gina!! ANYWAY)

and I happened to joke about how the Butt Soap does not smell like butt. We both giggled a little, but her younger sister looked me in the eye and asked, "What does butt smell like?"

It was an "oh shit" moment. After a couple of seconds of me hemming and hawing, big sister saved me by replying, "It smells like you."

whew. That was a close one.

angels among us

I don't know if I mentioned that I recieved a final notice onthe storage a week or two ago. and despite wanting to, I didn't pay it. I got support from my sister, and we decided that when it comes down to it, we have each other and the rest is just stuff.

Well, a couple of days ago, there was a certified letter notice in my mailbox addressed to my dad. After thinking about it and consulting my sister, I called the storage place. I didn't want to sign for it and find out I am liable. I already don't like it that my address is associated with him.

She told me that certified letters go out to all known addresses when a unit goes to lein. She said that my dad had called and said he would pay and quit, but that the engine in his car had blown and he wasn't able to make it up there.

Then she said the following, which made me bless them again. and again.

"I took your address off the account completely. and if it goes to lein sale I will call you and let you get what you want out of there."

Even if I don't. Even if he pays his debt to them and moves out. even if they sell everything and never mention it to me, those words were a kindness I will never forget. It has been nice dealing with people who do not judge me for my fathe's actions. People who understand how life can be sometimes and who go out of thier way to be nice, even though there may be nothing they can do,they still try. they are the people who help to keep hope in the world. They are the reason I have not lost faith in humanity.

Maybe bossman is right,

maybe I am too picky. I'm really beginning to believe that my emotional state was far more stable before I signed up for this internet dating thing.

Here's how it is. I have "winked" or sent messages to every attractive man who falls within my search criteria with the exception of C because, um, we're already friends. Only Diver Dan answered. And we know how that turned out. Since I can look, I know that those men? Looked at me but apparently didn't like what they saw. I'm thinking that since they at least looked, but didn't answer, that it was a personality issue. (and maybe a looks issue, I don't know) But, whatever, that's normal, we see people every day but don't approach them. But that doesn't do very good things for my ego, you know?

The men who wink at or approach me? They're either too old (over 35. or 37 if you want to stretch the issue) Live too far away, (what in the world is a man living in NY doing trying to hook up with a woman in CA?) Have kids (which, I know as I get older this will be a increasingly difficult one to avoid) have a conflicting faith, or I am just plain not attracted to them.

I am trying not to be shallow. The ones I am not attracted to could very well be the nicest guys ever. but I think attraction is important. I'm not looking for a male model, just someone I like looking at. I don't want to settle just for the sake of having company. Remembering how I stuck around and soaked up the bits of affection that Biker Bob carefully doled out makes me cringe and lower my head in shame. I hate how I became the girl who stayed even though she wasn't happy because it was better than being alone. Because, as I freely admitted, the attention was nice. Then the attention stopped. But I wonder if I am being too picky. And then I wonder if all this is really worth the stress and thought I am putting into it. Then I think, if I am going to reject every man who approaches me, what is the point of paying for the service?

Then I wonder if I am really ready to date after all. Going out Monday night was great, even if the end result was a couple of days of neurosis. Unusual nerosis, I might add. I mean, we all know I'm a little nutty, but that was beyond. Is this going to happen every time a guy decides he isn't interested in me "that way"? Will I be so incredibly nervous on every first date that I blunder thorough like a nieandrathal? I felt so inept. Like I had been overtaken by some sort of babbling, flapping, freak.

I feel so out of sorts. out of balance. Part of me wanted to go out tonight even though I didn't have company, but I listened to the part that said I should stay home and prepare for the craft faire tomorrow. But here I am blogging when I should be trimming soap. My house is a mess, the bird is afraid of her new home, my eye is all twitchy, and I keep moping about and crying. Well, mostly when I really think about the whole dating situation, not so much when I am doing other things. I'm confused and I don't know what to do about it.

Where did my balance go? Yesterday I got myself so worked up at work that I broke out in a rash over a drawing snafu. That's never happened before. I think I made it a bigger deal than it had to be. Perhaps I am doing the same with the whole internet dating thing. Maybe I should quit feeling guilty and just keep on rejecting. Maybe I should crawl into bed and worry about it tomorrow.

Domestic HNT and a mini rant

Proof that I actually do iron.

and now my mini rant.

Nothing angers me more, or hurts me more, I suppose is more accurate, than someone who makes plans with me and then breaks them. Even when there is a good reason. even when they seem remorseful. I guess it wouldn't be such an issue if it didn't happen a lot. You would think that I would be used to it. in many ways I am. I actually expected tomorrow's cancellation, even though I was looking forward to the outing. On the bright side, I now have plenty of time to tend to business before the craft fair on Saturday. on the not so bright side, when you wander around expecting people to dissapoint you, they usually do.

Thanks to a nap and treating myself to a dinner of steak and lobster last night, not to mention my monthly meetup with the Bad Girls of Craft who never fail to perk me up, I am back to my "normal" self today. Thank you for joining me on my neurotic journey. Hopefully I will get the hang of this whole dating thing and start waiting until at least the third date before I have meltdowns. Because that? was all rather silly.

And now, back to gratuitous half nakid pictures of Daniel Craig.

results

Diver Dan has decided that I will make a very good friend. sigh. oh well. That's dating, I guess.

Hey look! a half nakid picture of Daniel Craig!!

The good thing about having all this nervous energy is that

I am very productive today, trying to find reasons not to be at my desk perseverating over nonexistant emails

and

I headed off to people.com (perezhilton.com seems to be down today)and accidentally found the above picture to make me all swooney and give me something ELSE to think about.

men. they kill me.

I hate this part

So, yesterday, it was chat chat chat, all day long. Today I had hoped to see an email, but nothing. Then I decided that I was being silly by waiting and as I would like to see Diver Dan again, I emailed him saying so. "I hope", said I, "that I won't be so nervous next time that I have to sit on my hands to keep them from flapping about all willy nilly"

The waiting begins. I hate suspense. In between the "maybe he wants to see me again too" and "If he's not interested, oh well, right?" sits a rather high strung individual who's heart just can't take it.

The date

He was, just as cute as his pictures, has lovely eyes and captivating dimples. (are men supposed to have captivating anything??)

I had a really nice time.

I was very nervous and at one point went ahead and sat on my hands so that they would stop waving about. Actually, I did this several times. The first time I did it, I found food under my leg.

He seemed really interested in the things I like to do, which I glazed over a bit because I am convinced that other people don't find them as interesting as I do.

Did I mention that I was really nerrvous? And that I am all wound up? Thats bad because I am tired too.

We went out for dessert and I couldn't fit between the table and chair. That was a little embarassing, but since I know it isn't a fat issue, but a cramped desserterie issue, I was able to laugh it off.

I'm glad I didn't eat more, I'm really full.

He said he had a good time. I don't know what happens next. I'm really not very good at this dating thing. I don't know what to do with myself.

Nothing more to report.

For this you have been banned

Sorry Orlando, you're off the list until you lose the hat.

1. Daniel Craig
2. Josh Dumahl
3. Tom Welling
4. Ryan Reynolds
5. Leonardo Dicapprio
6. John Schnieder
7. Jet Li
8. John Spanos (oh come on. He's Single and my age. who knows? he might google himself and call me. I don't care if he's a workaholic)

Toby Keith is apparently an ass. I've decided Nick isn't so great after all. That was short lived.

In other news I think I have a date tonight (if we can decide where to eat) with a man who will be referred to as Diver Dan if we hit it off in person, as an ode to Finding Nemo which might be as close to his love of Scuba as I will ever get. Terrified, you know. We'll see. on one hand, I'm excited. On the other, wary. Very wary. Not because he seems strange, he seems fairly normal thus far, but because of the ever present past. There are some recent situations that still haunt my present and although I try to put them aside, when I think about the whole internet dating thing, well, there it is.

Almost run over. Again

I'm thinking that something needs to change in regards to California traffic rules. You see, to get to my home from alomst anywhere but my regular job, I have to get on the highway. Not the freeway, with it's wide expanses of open lanes, but the highway. 2, sometimes 3 lanes of closely packed traffic (ok, not really all that closely packed), often large motorhomes with trailers heading to and from the California desert or river, depending on whether I am looking at a toy box or a trailer.

At least once a week I am nearly run off the road by people in the right hand lane. Blindsided because although I look before I leap, I can't always see them barreling forth at high speeds. The on ramps are not long. I try to adjust my speed when travelling in that lane so that the people getting on the freeway can merge safely. I know I have the right of way, but I also know that I don't have to take it if it is unsafe. Today I was forced onto the shoulder as first the motorhome, and then the 25 ft trailer it was towing passed me by.

My heart beating fast, I was able to merge into traffic safely after it was gone. Split second difference, and I could have been dead. Don't get me started on all the times this happens with semi trucks...

Takes on Thanks

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because I get to spend so much time with my family. But like any family tradition, ours definately has it's quirks.

My Aunt and Uncle are generous enough to host Thanksgiving every year. They have a nice home about 50 miles from where I live and although it seems like a long trek, I don't mind going. Especially when I consider the fact that my cousin drives from Saramento, my other Aunt and Uncle come in from Carson City, and my sister from LA.

I think it was last year, though, when things started to get a little odd. My sister asked if she could invite an "orphan" couple (the term orphan being used to describe people who do not have available family to spend the holiday with) with whom she and her husband are very close friends. These folks are like family to us. She was told that there was not enough room to accomodate any additional people. Although I can't remember for certain, I may also have asked to bring a friend but was turned down. My mom asked what she and her then fiancee could bring and was asked to provide cash, $40 to help cover the expenses and meat. My mom and her fiancee are vegetarians and are unable to eat 60% of the Thanksgiving fare.
Durning dinner, my Aunt's brother in law loudly complained that Grace was not said. Being a mixed group, we don't often say grace, although my grandfather will often do so at smaller functions. This action caused a lot of confusion and hurt feelings, especially since I don't recall this man ever attending the festivities before. After dinner, my Grandmother requested some leftovers for sandwiches the next day and was refused, on the grounds that my Aunt likes LOTS of leftovers.

This year, my Aunt requested that I bring or (gasp!!) buy an apple pie. (I never buy apple pie. I MAKE apple pie. I'm very proud of the compliments I get on my apple pie. I don't eat it, but I hear it's very tasty) And be there about noon, as we would be eating early. Rare occation (for a party), I was late. The moms were all in the kitchen (except mine, who was running late as usual, but in her defense, she had to work yesterday morning) and I dropped my pie where I was told, and gave my Aunt the coffee I had brought as a nicey-nice. I thought she might appriciate it, but she acted as though she didn't really want it. (my Uncle, on the other hand, seemed very happy to hear that I had brought free harbucks) I then wandered around looking for someone to talk to. I'm in an awkward spot in the family. I'm not a sibling or wife, I'm a neice. But not a young neice. There are two sets of kids in my family.I call them the older set and the younger set. My Sister, Cousin, and I are the older set, being 33, 31, and 29. The younger set consists of my Sister and Brother, younger cousins and my older cousin's kids, all of whom are 20,18,16,14,10,8, and 5. Of the older set, I am the only one not married. I never really know quite where I belong at these functions. Since my sister and cousin were not there, I was a little lost.
Fast forward to turkey carving time. I took my customary place at the carcass and nimbly picked while my uncle carved. Suddenly, my aunt had something for me to do. By the time I was done, so was my uncle, and she was able to save the bones from my nibbling fingers (why, after 20 or so years of picking the bones it is suddenly not ok is beyond me. But the attitude was such, believe me. It's not like I was eating anything that could have gone on the platter.)
We started eating, despite the fact that my mom had not arrived (she was stuck in traffic. She made sure that she called with periodic updates) and about 5 minutes later, the Brother in Law was asked if he would like to say grace. He replied, "Why yes. I had thought we were going to be heathens and forget that it is Thanksgiving!" I will offer that the grace he gave was very nice, but I almost responded that I like being a heathen. We all give thanks in our own way, and I like to think that despite my religious leanings, I am thankful for the good life that I lead and all the blessings I am given. I'm not so sure that next year I will be able to control my mouth. Maybe it's a good thing it was full of mashed potatoes during grace.
My mom and brother arrived a few minutes later. Things were normal until dessert where we were served my my Aunt's sister who, it turns out, was licking her fingers and the cutlery in between pie pieces. for some reason, we were not allowed to serve ourselves.
It turns out that my mom was asked to bring money again. My Aunt's sister took home leftovers. We left feeling like we weren't altogether welcome. All of us.
We congregated on the condo that my Aunt and Uncle obtained for my grandparents (which is very nice of them. this is the second year they have provided this, and it is noce to know that my grandparents are comfortable during thier stay) where we all tried to puzzle out the eveninga nd the feeling we all get from it. Next year, my mom wants to have dinner at her house and invite all our orphans. The more the merrier, as it should be.
I don't know what will happen. I know that I will go along with whatever my family does because I don't want to miss out on any time with them. I just hope that next year I leave feeling a bit more like I am welcome the next year. and not like an annoying inconvienece.

I'm finally sleepy again.

Happy Thanksgiving

Hopefully I will be able to come up with a suitable picture for HNT today. It's not that I've run out of ideas, it's just that I took some pictues while I was still in bed this morning, and they looked like shit. So I am not feeling particularly photogenic at the moment. Maybe after I wash my face.

I decided yesterday, once and for all, that I have a love/hate relationship with the self checkout at the grocery store. On one hand, it is fast and easy to use when I am in a hurry and only have one or two things to buy. On the other hand, Other people see it s an opportunity to play "store" and go through with a basketload. Then they can't figure out how to use the damn thing.

I admit that it's frustrating when it insists that you have not placed your items in the bag. But if you can't figure out how to scan your 10 pound ham, then maybe you should go ahead and have someone do it for you.

It never fails that I ge stuck behind the person who fucks up the machine so badly that the attendant has to come over. And you KNOW that attendant is sick of fixing those machines all day.

But I know that the next time I need something, I'm going to walk next door and exit through the self checkout. I like to play "store" too.

chickie wanted to see the kid

She's in the other room talking and oinking at me right now because she knows I'm home and she knows I will oink back... (snort snort snort)

Pussy Pushers and other fine stories

A woman came into my store the other night. I couldn't hear what she was saying to my cohort, but they turned to me, and just as the steamer stopped steaming asked, "What about you?"

"I'm sorry, I could not hear you", I replied
"Do you want to adopt a cat?"

I explained to her that I don't have time for a kitty. She suggested that I get two. I explained to her that I don't think it right that I should get another cat while the ones I gave away still live. She agreed. then suggested that I rescue a couple of cats. I explained about how I am rarely home and do not think it right to adopt pets that I won't be around to take care of. She argued with me through the entire making of her drink and then a few minutes after.

After she left, I was reminded of a promise I had made to myself about not offering explainations. Putting that into practice is harder than I thought. Damn pussy pushers.

Still not enchanted with online match making. What part of 27 to 35 year old non christian within 20 miles doesn't make sense? I can say that one man that I have expressed interest in actually returned my email and we have been chatting these last couple of days.

After reading this post:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=11248605&blogID=124305387&MyToken=b7b6bf75-fb31-428f-81e3-96e82e6ed0bd

written by my friend Craig's friend, I started to rethink my strict stance on the whole "considers himself Christian" thing. then I got home and had a run in with another man on Match and well...Tis not to say that if I met someone who called himself such but had an open mind, like Joel (who was cute, actually, but that is neither here nor there), you know, someone like me who believes more than his label describes, that I wouldn't give it a shot. After all, I don't really want to date someone who is REALLY REALLY into Wicca either. Perhaps the time has come for me to discribe myself as "Spritual, not religious".

I guess it's all a moot point either way. At leat I am giving it a try.

I had more to say, but I have forgotten what it was. I am off to price new cages for the kid. It would be kind of nice to get something that rolls so she can move from room to room with me. I know that would make her happier. (she does not like to be picked up or carried, but she doesn't like it when I am not inthe room either.)

Maybe it really is me

I get this answer a lot. First when I was looking for someone on MySpace, and now, today, on Match.

Here's the thing. I have a hard time confronting people, so when they act interested, I'll talk to them just so that I don't have to hurt their feelings by saying I am not interested. I've learned that that's not such a good thing (see entries on Pot Guy) So when I get an email, and I am not interested, I have been trying to reply that I am not interested. The problem may be that I give a reason.

So, this guy, who's profile lists him in Pomona, writes me. And I reply, with a thank you. but you live too far away. So he writes back, telling me that he actually lives in my area. I look at his profile again and see two deal breakers. One, he's Catholic, and two, he has kids. So I reply that his faith and mine are not compatible, explaining that it has a lot to do with the way that I do or don't want my kids to be raised (Biker Bob and I had this conversation once), and the fact that he already has kids and I don't think that I am ready to deal with that, being that I am only just getting comfortable with the idea of having my own maybe someday.

Perhaps I should have skipped the secondary reasons and just told him flat out that I am not attracted to him. Or just said "no thanks" , which I have done a couple of times.

Here is what he had to say:

"Well thank's for your comment's, I'm sure I will be better of anyway's. Why even be on Match.com at all, Wait don't answer that you probably have answer for everything that is thrown your way. Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I also think it is important to give a guy the benefit of a "no thank you" if I am not interested because I know that I don't like to be left dangling. Goodness knows, I have winked at quite a few men and while they have looked at my profile, none of them have said eiher way whether they are interested. and that's a little frustrating.

All in all, I know it's only been 3 days since i joined, but I am SO not impressed.

I just saw

the new James Bond Movie and it was AWESOME. i'm not even all that into Bond, but this was great.

And now that I have seen it I will have to revise my top ten list, which I haven't done in awhile. So I am off to search my old posts to see who was on it before.

Ok, I'm back. It started out looking like this:

1.Orlando Bloom
2.Colin Firth
3.Jimmy Fallon
4. Jet Li
5. Ryan Reynolds
6. leonardo DiCapprio

then I added the following:

1. Orlando Bloom
2. Peter Krause
3. Toby Keith
4. (jimmy fell off at some point) Ryan Reynolds
4. Leo

Then something got all screwey so here is the current list:

1. Daniel Craig (Who I had never seen before but who made me go all giggly and bashful. He quite really took my breath away.)
2. Josh Dumahl
3. Tom Welling
4. Ryan Reynolds
5. Leonardo DiCapprio (who really is the original celebrity crush. And he's looking really good again)
6. Orlando Bloom (fell because he's gotten too skinny and he's been seen smooching on some really skanky ladies of late)
7. Toby Keith
8. John Schneider
9. Nick Lachey (come on, you know he's hot.)

I figured it out

How Match.com catches ypu. All those winks lead to emails which you can't read unless you are a member. So you sign up, and start sending emails to people who can't read them uness they are a member...

I also saw that the men looking for a woman like me are overwelmingly over 40. I also saw (totally by accident) that C and I, according to Match, are 95% compatible. Which would explain why we got along so well. But things happen, and life happens and dating websites don't take into account personal issues and baggage. I would like to to see a percentage on T and I. Part of me thinks it would be very high. Part of me would hope that it is low so that I could see past this cloud that envelopes me where he is concerned.

I don't talk about it here. I still hurt over it. I try every day to get past it, I try to meet other men, I keep myself busy, but it always circles around. It's amazing how you can be with someone for such a short time and be so profoundly affected. It was a very short time. And in the present? he writes when he can. I have not seen him in 6 months, and any time conversation starts to take a turn for the risque, I end it. Because I'm already caught in a trap and I know it's a dead end street.

I try so hard that I spent three months of my life spending time with a man with whom I knew I had no future, but I tried to make one anyway. I became "that girl" who stayed because it was better than being alone. Who stayed because the attention was nice. He gave me just enough to keep me around. a kiss once or twice a week, a caress of my ankle while I read. We had just enough fun times to make me think that it could be better.

I don't know what is worse. Longing for someone who doesn't want you, or being with someone who drives you crazy so that you don't have to be alone. Both hurt my soul.

I long for something healthy and real.But when it comes down to it, I look around and think that life is good and that adding someone else to the equation is more trouble than it's worth. And then I think, well I just have to find someone who is worth it. and that damned voice. the one I fight every day to banish from my brain. The one that has attached itself like a parasite. One with a symbiotic hold on my heart feeding me hope and causing misery whispers, "I thought I had".

But I like her

It's difficult to get past popular opinion sometimes. I find this especially difficult at work.

At my regular job, there is a woman who I generally describe as a bulldozer. Very focused, the woman knows how to get things done, and done well. But she's so focused that she doesn't seem to worry about how she presents things, she just does it. There are many that I work with that don't like her.
I think she's nice. She and I have never run amok, and she' constantly suggessting ways that I can better my business and inviting me up to her ranch to collect hers and things. She doesn't have to do that.
I think popular opinion is starting to wear on her. When I ran into her today, she wasn't as friendly. I smiled and said hello, and although she responded, she just didn't seem as "up" as I am used to seeing her. and I got the distinct impression that she knows that people don't care for her.
I still maintain that she is a nice lady. That she means well, she just has a great deal of focus. I hope she doesn't hear it when they say, "Im glad she's gone" when she leaves the room. I know she feels the attitude.

At Harbucks, there are a couple of people that the others don't like. and I will admit that some of those people come across as being pretty useless at times. But I know that I am not perfect, and that it is a difficult job to learn. High stress, and a lot of details. There's one in partcular that I really enjoy working with. And she is perhaps the most disliked of all. Persons who I started out respecting a bit fell in my eyes when they said, loud enough for her to hear, that they didn't like her, two seconds after being "nice" to her.
It makes me wonder what they say about me when I am not there,despite how nice they are when I am there. Maybe this woman rubs people the wrong way, but I don't think that she is the sort of person who would be difficult for the sake of being difficult. There are two sides to every story and I don't think my coworkers are taking that into account. So I try to make sure that I tell her that I have fun working with her because at least then she will know that someone likes her. It's not false, I really do.

Another HNT

I had to take my shoes off to take the picture. Now my toes are a little cold.

Meanwhile, so that I could look at a fellow that my cousin met, I signed up with Match.com. I wasn't interested in him (not attracted, plus he lives far away) but I took the time to fill out my information anyway. I got winked at! Which was flattering, although one of the fellows reminded me of Biker Bob enough that I crossed him off right away. Not lookswise, Biker Bob is far more attractive than that guy, but in other ways. The other guy lives far away. I winked at a couple of fellows, (oh hey! My downsized documents live over there! I wondered where they go! Sorry. Still learning the new computer) and after I sent the first one it took me a couple of minutes to recover from the fit of blushing. Jeez. And C came up on my search. I was tempted to look at his profile to see if we "match", but I decided that it would be weird. I also thought about sending him a wink, for fun, and since he will read this eventually, he's gonna tell me I should have, but I didn't. I just talked to him an hour ago anyway.

I was pondering something very interesting today, but now, of course, I can't remember what it was.

I looked up my dietary needs on the Food website, and found that I eat really bad according to them. But I look at other people's diets and think that I can't be THAT bad. I don't know. I am going to do the best that I can not to overindulge on the things I like best, like cookies and steak fries. Yesterday was the first day I ate lunch at my desk instead of in the cafe. I felt kind of bad, but I did explain to our admin why, and she seemed to understand. She agreed that Bug Guy often eats badly. And Coworker agreed that he uses me as an excuse to eat the "good" food instead of the healthy stuff he is supposed to be eating.

I'm thinking I want to create a business blog. I'd love comments on it. There, I could keep track of where my batches are and post updates on upcoming events far quicker than I can by mailing postcards. I don't have the ability to post verbiage on the website, only change the products around and post pictures (better that way, I don't speak HTML). And I could reach a far larger audience that way. Then, too, perhaps I wouldn't talk shop here quite so much. And Rich wouldn't have to reconcile the prim office talk with the photos of my boobs.

Yes Virginia, I am a hypocrite

So, today at lunch, as per usual, Bug Guy took it upon himself to get steak fries. When he sat down next to me and my edamame, he made sure, as he does every day, that those delicious morsels were pointed at me. That is, he turned his plate so that I could access them easily. I protested as usual. I have been known to turn his plate around since I know I will not reach across his plate to get them. He usually turns it right back around and into my reach. I reminded Bug Guy that I don't want them, don't need them, and that he knows I will eat them if they are available. His reply?

"I'm just thinking of you!" To which I snapped, "No, you aren't"

He turned his plate around and, to my credit, I managed to avoid eating any fries with my healthy lunch. Then I proceeded to return to my desk and eat all the cookies that I brought in this morning. They were at my house for two days and I only had one or two. Apparently, having food at my desk is a bad thing.

I think that part of the reason I get so upset with Bug Guy is that he has a weight issue too. (He had a stomach bypass surgery not long after I met him) He knows that he shouldn't be eating all that junk food, and yet he does. And he encourages me in it too. He talks about eating healthier, always adding that we'll do it together. In January. But I know that January never comes. I am supposed to be in his wedding next August, and I would like to be wearing a size 8 by then, That's a couple of sizes down from where I am, and I know that it is up to me to get there. I also know that if junk food is there, I will eat it.

I'm pretty good about it. I don't buy chips, I don't frequent fast food places (last week's House Burger binge was a rarity I don't plan to repeat). I don't drink very much soda (maybe once or twice a month) and I limit my ice cream. I do have a weakness for cookies. But I try not to buy them because I know I will eat them. I have also started bringing my lunch to work because the food there is notoriously fattening. I am also better at controlling my portions that way.

I have explained this all to Bug Guy. I know that last time I complained of this you guys said that he is only trying to be nice. But would it be nice to set a glass of wine in front of a recovering alcoholic and encourage them to take a sip?

I really feel as though I am Bug Guy's excuse to splurge. To eat the things that he wants because he's "sharing with me" or "buying them for me". He knows that he is not supposed to eat that stuff, but he does it anyway. Sharing with me makes it "ok" in his eyes. It helps both of us that I have been bringing my own lunch. Then we are less likely to order a cheese burger, and he has been getting salads here and there. (today it was nachos and steak fries) But I was thinking today that I would be doing myself a favor by eating at my desk. (sans cookies. Those are rather rare, actually) Changing my behavior is the only way to reach my goals, and if eating with Bug Guy is too much temptation, then I think it is best if I don't.

I feel kind of bad ditching him, but at the same time, I have to wonder if it wouldn't be better in other ways too. I am VERY tired of constant wedding updates. Honestly, my sister didn't talk about her wedding this much, and I was her maid of honor! Every day it's the bridesmaid dresses, the center pieces, the venue. Yesterday when he told me that he had to sit at the wedding dress store on Saturday, I flat out asked him if he had given "them" to his fiancee to keep for him. I'm excited for him, his fiancee is a really great lady, but I can't think of a polite way to tell him I'm tired of it. When it isn't weddings, it's parties, which inevitably comes around to the one time he and I went out and about. I don't generally talk about my outings at work except with certain people, so I don't like being reminded that I was drunk that night. Then he starts in on how I was dancing on tables, which I wasn't, and on to dancing with this guy Israel, who, although I danced near him, I wasn't all rubbing up against him or anything. Eew. But the connentations are there. And it makes me uncomfortable. I do not want to portray myself as a party girl at work. I'm really not one. And I don't think it is professional.

I guess it all boils down to wanting to be nice, but not wanting to be uncomfortable. It was HARD not to indulge in just one fry. Ok two. Three isn't that bad as long as I don't eat four, dang, well I might as well eat five, and hey that one looks especially good, I swear I'll stop at ten...

The best laid plans

So, this morning I was feeling grumpy and underappriciated by the manager at work who expects me to deliver the world, yesterday. But as the day wore on, and I was very busy, I got over my initial pissiness and was just happy to be constantly busy. Really. So much that i feel like I didn't get anything accomplished today.

THEN, after work, I went to the floral shop who's owner I met the other day at my open house, and, I am all giddy, not because I have serious potential for sales to her business, but because I made a new friend. The kind where we just spent an hour chatting and giggling and comparing stories about that it is like to be in your late twenties and single, and oh my aren't men a pain in the butt.
She's the kind of person I will never feel weird abot popping in to visit. I haven't felt this "new friend" joy in a long time. I don't make friends easily. Partially because I don't get out of my usual circles much, and partially because I am very picky about who I allow into my inner self. Most people are kept at a disance. Not so, her. Or her mom, who was also at the store. So now I am all fired up, and it feels really great.

Grandma

I seem to have gotten over my writer's block, and I started a lengthy post all about my grandparents, who they are, how blessed I am to have known so many of my recent ancestors and their husbands and such. And then I realized that the post was getting boring. Stale. Uninteresting. Even to me.

So I deleted at all and started thinking about the core of my grandparental musings.

Last week, we almost lost Grandma. Grandma has always been exceptionally healthy. She may have Leukemia, but it's a form that is pretty benign, so it is just there. Like a little rain coud. But last week, last week was scary. She was getting ready for church when she started experiencig chest pains. Pains that radiated down her arm, so she said to Grandpa, "I'm not going today". And he took her to the hospital.

They found three blockages and put stints in them all. But the Dr said that she would have had a massive heart attack and died within a week had she not gone in.

And I thought about how horrible and empty life would be without her. My mom headed out to AZ to be with her, and they had a wonderful time just relaxing and being together. I talked to her last night and she sounded great. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't have her number and had to get it from my mom.

I nagged my mom about taking it easy too. It's been almost a year since we almost lost her. When she dropped dead from exhaustion and stress. (I think of it like a video game charactor that ran out of life energy because they were fighting too much. thankfully, it didn't take too long for her life points to be restored)

Life is so delicate. and so easy to take for granted. I can only hope that I will take this opportunity to be a better granddaughter.

Listen to your heart

When he's calling for you....


So my heart told me that today would be a total flop and it wasn't total, but pretty darn close. I'm thankful though, that I had friends there to keep me company. Shop was open from 10 to 6, I had a total of 5 customers, (6 if you count Celine) all of whom came around 1. I have not yet counted my spoils for the day. My grandparents were my biggest customers.
However, not one to give up, I will research better options for venue next year (borrow a house?) and advertise better. maybe I will post pictures of my boobs around town. I did make a contact of the woman who owns the floral shop down the street, and hopefully she will help me get to know the local businesses and service groups around town. I have patronized the local businesses, I just have not met the owners.

I can't decide if I want to watch "Cars" or go to bed. I should put stuff away. The pumpkin bread was fantastic. Fan freaking tastic. mmm.

Late night blogging

It's 2 am. I should be in bed. I have a big day ahead of me. I hope.

I had so much to say. I wanted to discuss the whole Biker Bob thing. What happened, all the things I didn't say while it was going on, but I still have the fear that he pops in once in awhile, and I have no intention of hurting him. I'm just not that kind of person. not when I can help it. It would be very difficult to read the thoughts of the woman you have been dating, and know all the things that she didn't feel comfortable saying. Blogs can hurt. We bare our souls here, and sometimes, it's raw and uncensored. There are things I would like to say here that I wouldn't say in real life. There are things I do say here. But that situation? strange and awkward, and a story that is bubbling over inside me, but it has to be kept at a simmer for now.

Blogging gives me an outlet to scream all the things I would like to scream at people but I won't. not out loud, because I wasn't raised that way. I am not one of those people who don't have a filter, who say whatever comes to mind at any given time. Not that I am not guilty of it. Sometimes, my filter breaks and I embarass myself, but when it comes to the feelings of others, I recognize that sometimes off hand comments can hurt. And sometimes, it's better not to know what someone is thinking. Especially when you are dating.

Take that time I read E's blog. I hadn't heard from him, and what I wanted to see was that he was missing me a bit. What I saw was that while he wasn't calling me, he was calling another girl, trying to cheer her up because she was down. And letting me down while he was at it. He had warned me that his blog was like "Sex in the City", but not being a fan, I didn't know what that meant, so when I read one of his entries remembering a sexual encounter, it made me sick inside. Some things should remain private. Details like that are among them.

And so, of late, I have censored myself, heavily. I don't want to be censored, and I don't want to hurt anyone, and so I live in this limbo. It's a tough place to be.

But life goes on, even when we are in emotional limbo, and you have to accept that sometimes that's the way it is. Right now, despite a bad case of the lonies, I understand that I am best off concentrating on my business, and on my jobs instead of chasing boys. Chasing boys has ever gotten me anywhere but hurt anyway. They're nice to look at. They're nice to touch. But like a puppy (hee. I got some good puppy kisses this evening) when you start getting ito the logistics of keeping one, perhaps you need to consider whether you really have the time to devote to keeping it happy. I'm sure many men feel the same way about women. Neglect is a terrible thing.

I'm finally yawning now, I should go wash the eggnog out of my hair and quit trying to be a late night philosphiser. Good night. Cross your fingers for a successful sales day tomorrow.

a-musing

I think it's going to take me some time to grow accustomed to blogging from home. It's certinaly not a problem of ideas, I just seem to forget them when I sit down. Maybe my office just has bad idea fung shuy.

I'm baking pumpkin bread right now, and worried that it won't be cooked in time for me to head to work. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow with my annual Open House. I'm worried that I won't have any customers and that Wendy and Celine's time will be wasted. Wendy is coming all the way from LA. Celine from Carlsbad. The third party I had lined up appears to have fallen off the face of the earth. I suppose I could have tried harder to get in touch with her. Maybe next year.

Watching "Love Actually" again. I needed to feel a littel love, even vicariously. It's such a wonderful film.

Shoot, I just remembered that I promised balloons on the path to the rec room tomorrow. I'm not yet packed and ready to head over there the way I normally am.

I think my cup runnith over again.

My very first HNT. I voted, did you?

Ahh. there's nothing like gratuitous boobage to brighten your day. You gotta love the built in camera on my new Mac. As soon as I figure out how to dowload pictures from my camera onto the new computer, I will show you pictures of that too. I'd put the HNT button on my sidebar, but when i tried to do it the other day, nothing happened. sigh. this new computer thing is taking some getting used to. BUT I have my very own Chi Pet. He doesn't seem to do anything. hmm.

I've been super duper busy, which is frustrating because I have been wanting to blog about all the crazy things in my world, but since I have internet at home, I don't want to do it at work , and I have not really been at home to play with the computer. When I am at home, I have been sleeping, or, this afternoon, I was working on soapy stuff.

I am now offering wholesale pricing to try and expand my customer base. It's tough to give up a portion of my profit margin, but I don't want to buy mailing lists ad I don't have enough contact with people to buid up verey quickly. I have been thinking that I would set Bubbly Creations up with a MySpace account, since that seems to be an excellent way for people to get noticed (I'd really get noticed if I put the boob picture on the profile!!) but I don't think that the people on MySpace are looking for soap. I think that they are looking for a hook up. And I don't have one of those. (No, not everyone on MySpace is looking for a hook up. but there are a lot of people there for that reason) I think it's an excellent tool for bands and for comediens, but i'm not sure about a product line. I'll think about it. I have also been considering starting a BC blog, which would be WAY easier to update than the website, but I don't really know how to link the blog from the website. AND I still have yet to follow Sensei Ern's "how to build a banner" directions. Sigh.

Otherwise, things have been amazingly normal. Well, as normal as my world ever is. I have flash backs and great bloggable ideas, but I just keep forgetting to write them down so by the time I get home, I have forgotten what I was so wound up about in the first place.

The new work hours are difficult. I haven't had a problem getting up at 5:30, but man, am I groggy when I have worked at Bucks and am running on a couple of hours of sleep.

Heard from Biker Bob the other day.

I'm hungry and I don't have enough of the basics to make anything that I have in the house. I'm REALLY tired of Macaroni and Cheeze. Really. I did discover the Jack n The Box House Burger on Tuesday. It was so good I had one yesterday too. I don't generally eat fast food, so this is kind of a big (and bad) discovery. I highly recommend it if you have a Jack n the Box, it's big and beefy and perfectly seasoned with black pepper. and you can pick your cheeze. and it has LOTS of lettus. I could rant on it all day, but I'm making myself hungry for one and that isn't good. I'll have to walk over to the grocery and get some real food in a minute.

I guess that's it.

Oh, the joy

Ahem. I would like to announce, That I am surfing the net at home. Whee! Now I can play in Half Nekkid Thursday games! I can complain about people at work! I can shop all night long! oh wait. that's bad. Off to bed with me.

MIA

Sorry that I have been missing. Things have been busy and I went out of town. I will have internet at my house after tomorrow, so you can expect all sorts of pictures and stories in a more timely manner. I will also be more candid about work stuff since I won't be blogging from work. Nothing bad, of course. I'm still blessed with an excellent job and a wonderful boss working for a fantabulous company. But every so often...

Meanwhile,

Found out the Douchebag has a girlfriend and while it was tempting to start calling all the time and sending text messages and generally getting him in trouble, I decided that SHE doesn't need the heartache and that it is punishment enough that she dates him. Plus, I'm not really that kind of woman. There is a picture of me giving him my number, but I don't have it yet.

T appears to be MIA. I'm a little worried about him, but I know things are hectic for him at work right now so he likely doesn't have time to chat right now. And if he has decided to disappear out of my life? I would miss him, of course, he's a dear friend and one of the few people in this world I can say ANYTHING to, but, well, you know.

Haven't really heard from Biker Bob either. he emailed me last Wednesday, I replied on Friday. I have no idea if he still pops in to read this.

I returned to work Friday to learn that my hours changed. I now have to be here at 6:30. more on that later.

There was an email in my box from my cousin who met a guy she wants me to look up on Match.com I'm not a member, but I will go peek. She has generally good taste in men and certainly knows what I am attracted to! She actually met him, she wasn't surfing the internet looking for dates for me. I think it's funny.

Oy!

it's not that I have lacked for blogging material, it's that every time I have started to blog, something came up or Blogger was down for maintenance. Or yesterday when I couldn't even log in.

I suppose the best thing to do would be to begin with Friday when I discovered at Bunco, that mixing Pop Rocks and soda does not make your belly explode. Yes, I know many people tried this as kids, but I never seemed to have Pop Rocks AND soda at the same time. So I tried it because I had been drinking (it was Friday night, not the usual Wednesday) and that is my excuse for the entire weekend. We also watched The Shining which was not AS scary as the first time, but still had it's moments and still way ahead of it's time and Stanley Kubirck, might have been a genius with his film shots, but I can't say for certain because as far as I know, I have only seen that one movie.

Saturday, I worked during the day but late enough that I got to sleep in, and I was off early enough to take a nap before the Halloween parties of the evening. Yes. Parties. I was invited to two. One, was hosted by my mom's realtor who became a friend of the family. Here is a shameless advertisement. The other, by my friends in Temecula. I went to the realtor's party first with the attitude that if there were enough cute boys, (I didn't know anyone except the host) I might not make it to the second party. There were plenty of attractive men, but all of them were occupied with girlfriends and wives. Except one. We'll call him Douchebag. He spent the entire evening telling me all about myself, in a psychoanalysing kind of way.(apparently, an associates degree gives you free reign to analyze strangers. Don't get me wrong, I am not an elitist about degrees. I don't have one. but usually an associates is a step towards a bachelors. This fellow was done with college and proudly announced that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Neither do I, but at least I have a lot going on in the interim.) He never took the time to find out anything about me, only told me what sort of woman I am, how I am attractive, and how he knew I was attracted to him (come to think of it, I wasn't). He told me all about how I am unapproachable and basically how I act like a man, which scares men away. Except himself of course. I wish I hadn't gotten tipsy before he started talking to me. At one point he told me that he was going to let me come to him, and walked away, leaving me stunned and confused on the kitchen. Sadly, I (can't figure out why) gave him my number before I left. Would like to take it back. I've spent the last two days praying that if he does call, I have the balls to tell him to lose the number, that I don't like him. SO, I left, and went home. I crawled into bed, looked around and declared myself happy with the way things are and went to sleep. When I woke up Sunday morning, I had the presence of mind to realize that what Douchbag was doing was tearing me down and trying to make me feel bad about myself. Trying to make me feel as though he was the only answer. Thankfully, I am smarter than that. And, a Sunday night poll of men that know me shows that two out of three men find me approachable. Since only three offered an opinion, and one of them was Douchebag, well, I'll go with the majority on this one.

Sunday was a very productive and lovely day at home. Then I went to work and was so happy about having such a lovely day at home that I didn't mind being at work. Except for the fact that I was an hour early. I hate the time change.

Yesterday was uneventful, except for work frustrations, but was another lovely evening at home. Then, I found the most wonderful, magical place. It's called the SportsPlex. I was there watching GR (girl roomie, for those of you who just joined us. She's not my roomate anymore, I just didn't want to spring any new charactors) play soccer. The wonderful thing, was that the place was CRAWLING with men. Baseball men, hockey men, soccer men. Men everywhere I looked. I always knew there had to be a place where all the men go. and I finally FOUND it. AND since GR plays every week, I have an excuse to go. hee hee. It was a lovely ending to a lovely day

Gasp!

I do not!

have

"monster muscle boobs"

Despite the fact that someone searched just that and found me. Who would go looking for those anyway? ugh!

It seems to me...

That sometimes I get really wound up and start spouting things. So in clarification, I would like to issue the following statements. (hee hee. bullet points!!)

• I am all for religious feedom and the ability to express yourself.
• I am all for equality in said expression. In this manner I believe that Brittish Airways is wrong to disallow a Christian from visually expressing her faith when they allow those of the Sikh faith to wear an iron bangle. If they view the necklace as jewelry, so must they view the bangle.
• What I am against is going on international television (It was on Hannity and Combs, I think) and making a huge stink about how your employer is discriminating against you because you have been requested to follow the dress code.
• I was frustrated with her insistance that she needed to tell the world that she is Christian by wearing her cross. I think I should be able to tell the world I am wild at heart by dying my hair purple, but I don't because it is against the dress code. Not every policy you disagee with is an attempt to undermine your faith and a direct attack onyour belief system.

Here is a transcript of the clip I saw yesterday, and also a couple of articles regarding the subject.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,224378,00.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=410299&in_page_id=1770&ico=Homepage&icl=TabModule&icc=NEWS&ct=5

http://www.christiantoday.com/article/british.airways.suspends.christian.for.refusing.to.remove.cross.necklace/7999.htm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6051486.stm

In other news, I had a wonderful time, as usual, at the Bad Girls of Craft meetup. I cannot tell you enough how much of an inspiration these women are to me. We had a couple of new ladies come in (other than Sharon who has this amazing ability to enter a room and occupy it in such a way that you think she's been around forver. Really. I think she can be at ease anywhere. I'm sorry to see Sharon moving so far away.) One woman, was just pure fun, the other, seemed a bit shy. I con't say I blame her. I remember how nervous I was before my first meeting. I bet she's really cool though, once she gets comfortable.