Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Among bad ideas, this one was apparently bad

I finally heard from T, who indicated that he wasn't doing so well in many areas of his life. I thought it would be nice to leave him flowers. I didn't expect him to be home.

my florist, only stocks red and white roses, so although I really wanted to give him orange, I chose red.

As I knelt down to place the flowers on his porch, he opened the door. He invited me in. He said he was on his way out.

He said he is seeing someone.

We made small talk, I told him I didn't mean to cause trouble with the flowers. I waited until I was a block away before I cried. I've been trying to prepare myself for this for a long time. I knew that eventually it would come up. I thought I was doing something nice.

I didn't know it would hurt this badly. I mean, I thought it might, but I didn't want it to.

Not only have I hurt myself, but likely this girl too. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I wouldn't cause trouble. She has never met me. And now I have gone and upset her, which is something I would never intentionally do.

I know I am trying to ignore my feelings and concentrate on her. He must really like her if he told me about her. It's hard to see someone else with the person you want to be with. I'm really glad she wasn't there. I would really be a basket case.

I just don't want to hurt anymore. I had really hoped that by the time this day came that I would have met someone great and that I wouldn't mind so much. That there would be a little pang and that's it. Seester suggested that I am not as ready to meet someone as I want to be. But part of wanting to meet someone is wanting to overwrite the memory.

I want to curl up in my bed but I have to work. They called me in early. I hope I am distracted enough.

1 comment:

jootastic said...

oh, sweetie, i'm so sorry. it's a horrible feeling, and also you were being sweet with the flowers... she'll understand, and if she doesn't, that's okay...she doesn't need to. i'm sending you hugs from over here.