maybe I am too picky. I'm really beginning to believe that my emotional state was far more stable before I signed up for this internet dating thing.
Here's how it is. I have "winked" or sent messages to every attractive man who falls within my search criteria with the exception of C because, um, we're already friends. Only Diver Dan answered. And we know how that turned out. Since I can look, I know that those men? Looked at me but apparently didn't like what they saw. I'm thinking that since they at least looked, but didn't answer, that it was a personality issue. (and maybe a looks issue, I don't know) But, whatever, that's normal, we see people every day but don't approach them. But that doesn't do very good things for my ego, you know?
The men who wink at or approach me? They're either too old (over 35. or 37 if you want to stretch the issue) Live too far away, (what in the world is a man living in NY doing trying to hook up with a woman in CA?) Have kids (which, I know as I get older this will be a increasingly difficult one to avoid) have a conflicting faith, or I am just plain not attracted to them.
I am trying not to be shallow. The ones I am not attracted to could very well be the nicest guys ever. but I think attraction is important. I'm not looking for a male model, just someone I like looking at. I don't want to settle just for the sake of having company. Remembering how I stuck around and soaked up the bits of affection that Biker Bob carefully doled out makes me cringe and lower my head in shame. I hate how I became the girl who stayed even though she wasn't happy because it was better than being alone. Because, as I freely admitted, the attention was nice. Then the attention stopped. But I wonder if I am being too picky. And then I wonder if all this is really worth the stress and thought I am putting into it. Then I think, if I am going to reject every man who approaches me, what is the point of paying for the service?
Then I wonder if I am really ready to date after all. Going out Monday night was great, even if the end result was a couple of days of neurosis. Unusual nerosis, I might add. I mean, we all know I'm a little nutty, but that was beyond. Is this going to happen every time a guy decides he isn't interested in me "that way"? Will I be so incredibly nervous on every first date that I blunder thorough like a nieandrathal? I felt so inept. Like I had been overtaken by some sort of babbling, flapping, freak.
I feel so out of sorts. out of balance. Part of me wanted to go out tonight even though I didn't have company, but I listened to the part that said I should stay home and prepare for the craft faire tomorrow. But here I am blogging when I should be trimming soap. My house is a mess, the bird is afraid of her new home, my eye is all twitchy, and I keep moping about and crying. Well, mostly when I really think about the whole dating situation, not so much when I am doing other things. I'm confused and I don't know what to do about it.
Where did my balance go? Yesterday I got myself so worked up at work that I broke out in a rash over a drawing snafu. That's never happened before. I think I made it a bigger deal than it had to be. Perhaps I am doing the same with the whole internet dating thing. Maybe I should quit feeling guilty and just keep on rejecting. Maybe I should crawl into bed and worry about it tomorrow.