Monday, May 02, 2005

Lotto Taxes

Apparently, winning the Man Lotto means you have to pay Lotto Taxes or lose your winnings.

BF verbalized an issue last night. He wants kids and I don't. He thought I would either A) leave and think about it or B) shrug it off. I suprised him by C) crying.

I hate it when people see me cry. First of all, I am not one of those women who look beautiful when I cry, I look real. puffy red eyes, red, runny nose. awful. secondly, I prefer that my emotional outbrakes be private. no audience.

I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do. I will not concede to having kids just to keep him, although I have to admit, there is a temptation. But I don't think that is right. I will admit, however, where my mom and sister can't hear, that it is possible that I will change my mind. but I don't think it is right to ask him to pin his hopes on what I may or may not be thinking in a couple of years. Part of my resolve has to do with all the people who said I would change my mind. I don't want them to say "I told you so." It's rude.
I could say good bye and walk away. This is the most logical thing to do. It's only been two months, we have nothing but time invested. But neither of us wants to stop seeing each other. With other men, at this point, I could have done with little trouble. This one is different. He fits me better.
I still maintain that I made the right decision when it came to the choices with E. But that was a different situation. I don't want to make the right decision, then turn around and make a wrong one.
Suppose I walk away and end up having a kid later. why couldn't I have decided to have one with BF? I think he'll be a good dad. But I have always maintained that I don't want kids. How sincere am I if I change my mind over less than 24 hour's thought?

In unrelated news, I found out that my dear friend Candy passed away. This made me cry at work.
Candy was, if ever I were to choose one, my mentor in so many ways. She travelled the world. She was a good mother and grandmother. But more than that, she sparkled and shined and surrounded herself with colorful, interesting people. she taught me that there are no limits. She taught me that I want to be colorful and interesting. She encouraged me to dance and sing and fly. She listened to my stories and shared my sorrows and my laughter. I would love her advice about BF right now. She told me stories of her childhood in Tennesee. Although I massaged her every week, she made me feel like family. Never like the hired help. She made sure her family got massages too. even the grandchildren. I can hear her voice as she pointed out all her dear friends' pictures on the bathroom wall. I can see and smell the orchids and tuberoses she would bring me from her frequent trips to Hawaii. She always made sure there was enough beauty to go around.
Though cancer stopped me from massaging her, she would come down and say hello when she felt well enough. I have heard that radiation desroys the soul. that it leaves holes that you carry into the afterlife. I hope that the reikki treatments I gave her, although they were few, helped to heal her soul so that she can be as whole and beautiful in the afterlife as she was in the physical life. But if I know Candy, she will love her new form regardless. She was a special lady. I am so blessed to have known her. and I know, because she often told me, that she felt blessed to know me too. Perhaps knowing that is the greatest gift, among all her gifts, that she gave to me.

I love you Candy, wherever you are.


Jen said...

That made me cry. I am sorry for your loss...she sounds like she was very a special lady.

Ginamonster said...

She is irreplaceable. For anyone lucky enough to know her.