I'm looking at my schedule for the next couple weeks, and oh my goodness, I don't have any free time until mid...July. Not because i have a lot going on personally, but because everyone else wants me to participate.
this week I:
Tonight must help fix fence so goat will stay in pen
Tomorrow Have a hair appointment. Need a trim and highlight, won't get home till 7ish
Thursday Have a nail appointment
Friday I think I am free...
Yesterday I knew I had to:
Sat.:
Go to a meeting for the reunion
Go to my sister's Shower (yes, another one)
Want to go to friend's birthday BBQ
Sun.:
Dinner
Now:
(Saturday)
Will drop off ceterpieces for reunion meeting, not attending meeting
Pick Up friend from airport
Sister's Shower
Skip Friend's bbq to attend Sister's birthday dinner
(Sunday)
Go with friend to pick up anaversary cake and wedding album
Pick up friend's husband (also friend)
Drop her off at friend's house for baby shower which I will not attend so that I can have a bit of peace
Dinner
Dessert at another friend's house
Whirlwind week, then thursday I have my Appointment, friday, scrapbooking club and friend wants to have a party at my place, which will work if it's not a wild and crazy bash which my house is not suited for anyway
Reunion Saturday
Am I taking friends back to airport Sunday?
Next weekend: Bachelorette party in Palm Springs
Next weekend: 1 week till wedding
Wedding
then a trip to Vegas, which I might back out of now because I really need a rest more than I need to go party in Vegas. I am feeling very stressed out. what I want to do is yell STOP! and NO! I don't want to follow your scedule. No one asked me if I wanted to be busy. Sure wedding stuff and all, I've been expecting that for a long time. And you all might liek to be busy, but I am tired of being so busy that I am not enjoying my life because none of it is for me.
I would ask what Candy would do, but she was busy all the time too. but I think she liked it. She never got cranky with too much to do. At least that I saw...
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Christian Slater
Apparently this actor who many of you likely pasted on your wall during the 80's and early 90's...well, if you are a hetero girl...or a gay guy...(I didn't, I was more into astronomy than boys. ah, the good old days.) is in jail for inappropriately groping a woman in New York.
I have never been to New York, but the streets look pretty crowded. How many times have I been in a crowded place and accidentally touched someone's butt? Now, I wasn't there, but unless there was some serious grabbing going on, isn't it possible that Mr Slater didn't even realize that he had touched this woman's butt, or, isn't it possible that he did realize it, but was embarassed, snatched his hand away, but didn't say anything because he didn't want to be recognized? isn't it possible that this could have happened to any of us?
Now, generally, if I think I have touched a strange butt, I will do one of two things. I will ask the person if I have just touched thier butt, or, I will whisper to a friend that I touched a strange butt. the exception to this being last year's bachelorette party when I asked if I could grab a handful to see which of two hot guys had the better butt, so I could award a sticker. But that was different, really.
If I touch a familliar non boy friend butt, a joke is usually made about butt touching in general.
When I am randomly groped in public, I generally look around and then smile at the offending 4 year old, and make jokes with the corresponding parents.
So I think I might be siding with Mr Slater on this one when I say, gee, it was likely an accident. Leave him alone. Unless of course I hear otherwise from our amazing american news sources who, rather than reporting on the state of the world in Indonesia, they tell me all about some lady's butt grabbing incedent.
BTW, I managed to say "Butt" 10 times in this post. hmm.
I have never been to New York, but the streets look pretty crowded. How many times have I been in a crowded place and accidentally touched someone's butt? Now, I wasn't there, but unless there was some serious grabbing going on, isn't it possible that Mr Slater didn't even realize that he had touched this woman's butt, or, isn't it possible that he did realize it, but was embarassed, snatched his hand away, but didn't say anything because he didn't want to be recognized? isn't it possible that this could have happened to any of us?
Now, generally, if I think I have touched a strange butt, I will do one of two things. I will ask the person if I have just touched thier butt, or, I will whisper to a friend that I touched a strange butt. the exception to this being last year's bachelorette party when I asked if I could grab a handful to see which of two hot guys had the better butt, so I could award a sticker. But that was different, really.
If I touch a familliar non boy friend butt, a joke is usually made about butt touching in general.
When I am randomly groped in public, I generally look around and then smile at the offending 4 year old, and make jokes with the corresponding parents.
So I think I might be siding with Mr Slater on this one when I say, gee, it was likely an accident. Leave him alone. Unless of course I hear otherwise from our amazing american news sources who, rather than reporting on the state of the world in Indonesia, they tell me all about some lady's butt grabbing incedent.
BTW, I managed to say "Butt" 10 times in this post. hmm.
oops forgot
I made soap! it was the highlight of my weekend. I have a bar already on reserve for a friend when it's done in three weeks. (it has to cure) Tonight I will get strated on batch two which will be a pure olive oil soap. Hooray for inventory! I now have two (Two!!) products available for sale. (I have still been knitting wash cloths like crazy. I think I have 5 in stock. I didn't say I am a fast knitter)
I bought a book on how to make liquid soaps and gels, but it was so complicated and there were so many chemicals involved, I think I abandoned that idea.
I bought a book on how to make liquid soaps and gels, but it was so complicated and there were so many chemicals involved, I think I abandoned that idea.
Crazy Weekend.
Friday I left work early because I felt like it. T emailed me, friendly, but not too. I invited him to the BBQ, but he didn't go. I was a bit dissapointed although I know it is better that way.
Saturday we did this n that getting ready for the BBQ on Sunday. Sat. night I went to a party for a friend. She lives with ex, C. (she rents a room) He was there, everything was friendly. we talked a bit. he never recieved my letter. He came to the BBQ on Sunday. It was a lttle strange becasue even though we were together for almost two years, he still does not know my friends. I should have seen that as an indicator, but I ignored it.
Sunday our goat and dog arrived. Love the dog, goat drives me nuts. he jumps out of his pen. he cries for no reason. at 6am. he tries to come in the house, pooping all the way. The BBQ went well.
Monday I attended the memorial services for my friend who passed away in April. It was tough. I learned that everyone loved her as I did, and that her husband is as beautiful of a person as she was.
My house is still a mess from the party. I'm a little pissy about that. I clean the day after my parties, even if it means I will miss out on some fun elsewhere. But then, I am a bit cranky because the pets kept me up last night.
The dog was barking at something, which is good, she's a good guard dog. but that woke the goat (3 am) and certainly didn't quiet down the neighborhood roosters which have kept me up every night for the past several weeks. the goat started screaming at 6 this morning. good thing I was supposed to be up anyway.
Friday I left work early because I felt like it. T emailed me, friendly, but not too. I invited him to the BBQ, but he didn't go. I was a bit dissapointed although I know it is better that way.
Saturday we did this n that getting ready for the BBQ on Sunday. Sat. night I went to a party for a friend. She lives with ex, C. (she rents a room) He was there, everything was friendly. we talked a bit. he never recieved my letter. He came to the BBQ on Sunday. It was a lttle strange becasue even though we were together for almost two years, he still does not know my friends. I should have seen that as an indicator, but I ignored it.
Sunday our goat and dog arrived. Love the dog, goat drives me nuts. he jumps out of his pen. he cries for no reason. at 6am. he tries to come in the house, pooping all the way. The BBQ went well.
Monday I attended the memorial services for my friend who passed away in April. It was tough. I learned that everyone loved her as I did, and that her husband is as beautiful of a person as she was.
My house is still a mess from the party. I'm a little pissy about that. I clean the day after my parties, even if it means I will miss out on some fun elsewhere. But then, I am a bit cranky because the pets kept me up last night.
The dog was barking at something, which is good, she's a good guard dog. but that woke the goat (3 am) and certainly didn't quiet down the neighborhood roosters which have kept me up every night for the past several weeks. the goat started screaming at 6 this morning. good thing I was supposed to be up anyway.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Last night I bowled a 107. This is an accomplishment for me. It was better than my first game which was a 74, about average for me. Perhaps if I purchased my own ball, I would be a better bowler. You see, I cannot bowl with anything heavier than an 8 lb ball because of my back. (I have turned into a weakling!!) All the light balls have itty bitty finger holes. you know, for kids. my fingers get stuck. I catch my fingernails. it's not pretty. Also, I bowl wrong, right handed with my right foot out front. I tried the other way, it screwed up my score. Couldn't do it. oh well. It's not like I'm on a league or anything.
I had to behave myself when Barry was powdering his ball...I bowl with my parents and thier friends. Conservative Morman friends. Making ball powdering jokes would only have embarassed us both.
Had a discussion about E because my step brother's lovely girlfriend dated him too. And she works with him still. Apparently he is constantly trying to get her into the stock room. Hello? Sexual Harassment!! Apparently he really liked me. He had been referring to me as his girlfriend. I didn't know I was his girlfriend, so was it still cheating? I am still sorry that it didn't work out between us, I still feel as though I made the right choice in choosing T.
I had to behave myself when Barry was powdering his ball...I bowl with my parents and thier friends. Conservative Morman friends. Making ball powdering jokes would only have embarassed us both.
Had a discussion about E because my step brother's lovely girlfriend dated him too. And she works with him still. Apparently he is constantly trying to get her into the stock room. Hello? Sexual Harassment!! Apparently he really liked me. He had been referring to me as his girlfriend. I didn't know I was his girlfriend, so was it still cheating? I am still sorry that it didn't work out between us, I still feel as though I made the right choice in choosing T.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
oh for joy!
I actually had 4 returning visitors. not today, but recently.
What can I say, I appriciate the little goals.
Meanwhile, search words that brought people here:
Colin Firth
Saddam Houssein in underwear
ginamonster
when I cry puffy red.
not nearly as exciting as Callie's spinsteriffic Nancy Drew one, but hey, a few people are actually reading, right?
By the way, Callie, if you are reading this, I would like you to know that I aspire to lure you away from your Lush habit and into my Bubbly Creations. Except that I don't have money for supplies right now. but I will. and when I do, I'm taking over the bathtime world. One bar of soap at a time. Look out.
In case you are wondering how the business is going, it isn't at the moment, but I did take a class on Sunday on cold process soap making and I fully intend to go to the thrift store and look at a few supplies I could buy used but have been getting new. I need to make a list, actually. BUT, as soon as I have a proper soap mold, watch out. Oh, and money for advertising. crap. there's a lot of stuff I need. Too bad I am very much opposed to going into debt this way. not that I'm not in debt, I just won't do it for business.
Actually, I am trying to climb out of it. I have to figure out what is more important, low debt, or a down payment. I don't have much time to think about it...
What can I say, I appriciate the little goals.
Meanwhile, search words that brought people here:
Colin Firth
Saddam Houssein in underwear
ginamonster
when I cry puffy red.
not nearly as exciting as Callie's spinsteriffic Nancy Drew one, but hey, a few people are actually reading, right?
By the way, Callie, if you are reading this, I would like you to know that I aspire to lure you away from your Lush habit and into my Bubbly Creations. Except that I don't have money for supplies right now. but I will. and when I do, I'm taking over the bathtime world. One bar of soap at a time. Look out.
In case you are wondering how the business is going, it isn't at the moment, but I did take a class on Sunday on cold process soap making and I fully intend to go to the thrift store and look at a few supplies I could buy used but have been getting new. I need to make a list, actually. BUT, as soon as I have a proper soap mold, watch out. Oh, and money for advertising. crap. there's a lot of stuff I need. Too bad I am very much opposed to going into debt this way. not that I'm not in debt, I just won't do it for business.
Actually, I am trying to climb out of it. I have to figure out what is more important, low debt, or a down payment. I don't have much time to think about it...
Please add
Tobey Keith to my Top 10 (8) list in the number 4 spot. Move Ryan Reynolds up to number 5, and gentlemen, flattery gets you everywhere with me, so you really need to work harder at moving up my list. And Orlando, any of the top 4 gentlemen you are outranking could easily overcome you these days, so I'm thinking if you drop by my place and maybe take me out to dinner and tell me I'm pretty, you can keep your #1 spot indefinately.
Realizations
Of course, now that I have made the appointment and comitted to going to counseling, I am trying to fix myself so that after one session, she will tell me that she can't help me other than to say that all of my feelings are valid.
In the mean time, yesterday, I came to the following conclusion.
I don't want to be my mother. I love her, I respect her, and she has some really great qualities. But I don't want to be her. Here is why this is an issue with me.
All my life, I have been comapared to her. When I was young, people constantly remarked on how much we look alike. My step dad distainfully called us "clones". In some ways, I am named after her. We share some qualities, as all mothers and daughters do. All my life I have disliked it. And yet people still feel the need to make comparisons. As I have grown older, I feel as though the differences are more pronounced. She's a thin size 6, I'm a curvy 10. My face is rounder. My eyes practically dissapear when I smile. She would often say, when comparisons were being made, "I know you hate looking like me" and while I tended to mumble something about "no I don't", I know it's because I felt guilty for not wanting to be like her. I always thought my sister was lucky, because although they used to tell her she looked like our dad, they never said she was just like him.
I think she wants me to be just like her. This has become more evident as I get older. She is constantly making comparisons between us. I don't see it. Yes, we share some similar struggles. But they are human struggles that most people go through. Despite what she sees as parallels in our lives, by the time she was my age, she had two children and was newly wedded to her second husband. Totally different.
She tells me that I will meet Mr Right For Always someday, after all, look how long it took her to find him? But I don't want to be alone until I am 50. I know I am rapidly heading for that, but I would like to think that I won't. It may be true that we have dated similar men, but really, I don't think so.
I have never dated a klepto. I have never been with a man who hits me. I have never dated a drug addict or an alchoholic.
Sure, I am not going to say that the men I have dated have been without issues, most of them had BIG issues, and there are reasons we are not together now, whether it was my choice at the time or not.
The list goes on.
We all need someone to identify with. We all want someone to be just like us, and I do find myself making comparisons between my life and others when they come to me for a chat. This is something that I need to consider changing. Empathy is one thing, but every situation is different.
I guess I still feel guilty for not wanting to be my mom. I should feel proud to be compared to her, as I feel proud to be compared to her grandmother, although it's a "you remind me of her" kind of thing, not, "you are just like", so it's different.
I guess what it all comes down to is that all my life, people have been trying to make me into mini-she, when all I really want to be is me.
In the mean time, yesterday, I came to the following conclusion.
I don't want to be my mother. I love her, I respect her, and she has some really great qualities. But I don't want to be her. Here is why this is an issue with me.
All my life, I have been comapared to her. When I was young, people constantly remarked on how much we look alike. My step dad distainfully called us "clones". In some ways, I am named after her. We share some qualities, as all mothers and daughters do. All my life I have disliked it. And yet people still feel the need to make comparisons. As I have grown older, I feel as though the differences are more pronounced. She's a thin size 6, I'm a curvy 10. My face is rounder. My eyes practically dissapear when I smile. She would often say, when comparisons were being made, "I know you hate looking like me" and while I tended to mumble something about "no I don't", I know it's because I felt guilty for not wanting to be like her. I always thought my sister was lucky, because although they used to tell her she looked like our dad, they never said she was just like him.
I think she wants me to be just like her. This has become more evident as I get older. She is constantly making comparisons between us. I don't see it. Yes, we share some similar struggles. But they are human struggles that most people go through. Despite what she sees as parallels in our lives, by the time she was my age, she had two children and was newly wedded to her second husband. Totally different.
She tells me that I will meet Mr Right For Always someday, after all, look how long it took her to find him? But I don't want to be alone until I am 50. I know I am rapidly heading for that, but I would like to think that I won't. It may be true that we have dated similar men, but really, I don't think so.
I have never dated a klepto. I have never been with a man who hits me. I have never dated a drug addict or an alchoholic.
Sure, I am not going to say that the men I have dated have been without issues, most of them had BIG issues, and there are reasons we are not together now, whether it was my choice at the time or not.
The list goes on.
We all need someone to identify with. We all want someone to be just like us, and I do find myself making comparisons between my life and others when they come to me for a chat. This is something that I need to consider changing. Empathy is one thing, but every situation is different.
I guess I still feel guilty for not wanting to be my mom. I should feel proud to be compared to her, as I feel proud to be compared to her grandmother, although it's a "you remind me of her" kind of thing, not, "you are just like", so it's different.
I guess what it all comes down to is that all my life, people have been trying to make me into mini-she, when all I really want to be is me.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Why I love Oprah
I don't watch the show but...
Oprah is an inspiration. I don't thnk anyone would argue with that. But the real reason I love Oprah today is:
She's got more money than God (duh, what does God need money for???) and she doesn't just spend it because she can (ahem, Jessica) She shares it, and while she's sharing it, she enjoys it, and if, someday I have a rediculous amount of money, I hope I have her giving attitude and her sense of spirit. only, change it so it's mine. She is a true role model for all of us. Thank you Oprah!
Oprah is an inspiration. I don't thnk anyone would argue with that. But the real reason I love Oprah today is:
She's got more money than God (duh, what does God need money for???) and she doesn't just spend it because she can (ahem, Jessica) She shares it, and while she's sharing it, she enjoys it, and if, someday I have a rediculous amount of money, I hope I have her giving attitude and her sense of spirit. only, change it so it's mine. She is a true role model for all of us. Thank you Oprah!
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Dear Britney
I realize that you are under the impression that you are hot shit. I also realize that there are those who will always think you are wonderful, talented, smart, beautiful.
However your announcement over the last couple of days regarding the fact that you will no longer be "keeping yourself up" now that you are married has got to be the most idiotic thing I have heard all day.
don't you realize that this is false advertising? you can't just let yourself go to shit because you are married. You stop being the woman he married, and that makes you a walking false advertisement. I could have you incarcerated or fined for that. (hey, now there's an idea...)
don't you realize that as you get older, it becomes more difficult to take off the weight, and when you get tired of being a stay at home mommy (not a whole lot of attention there for an attention whore) no one wants to see your fat, big mac ass jiggling all over the stage.
Don't you realize that you got to where you are, not on your talent, but on your looks, some good management (ahem, Disney) low cut shirts and um, yeah, that's all I can think of.
I will be the first to admit that you are welthier than I, and that you have done something with your singing career, unlike me. But are you really so full of yourself that you think you can turn into Jabba the Hut and still have a career in this town? No way lady. We are a society (sadly) obsessed with skinny. For some reason we think anorexic if lovely, until you get to Lindsay and Nicole proportions, then it's Shcok! has she gone too far???
Please, do us all a favor (yourself included) keep up the dancing, lay off the Starbucks for awhile, and quit being so damn airheaded.
Thank you. This has been a rant.
However your announcement over the last couple of days regarding the fact that you will no longer be "keeping yourself up" now that you are married has got to be the most idiotic thing I have heard all day.
don't you realize that this is false advertising? you can't just let yourself go to shit because you are married. You stop being the woman he married, and that makes you a walking false advertisement. I could have you incarcerated or fined for that. (hey, now there's an idea...)
don't you realize that as you get older, it becomes more difficult to take off the weight, and when you get tired of being a stay at home mommy (not a whole lot of attention there for an attention whore) no one wants to see your fat, big mac ass jiggling all over the stage.
Don't you realize that you got to where you are, not on your talent, but on your looks, some good management (ahem, Disney) low cut shirts and um, yeah, that's all I can think of.
I will be the first to admit that you are welthier than I, and that you have done something with your singing career, unlike me. But are you really so full of yourself that you think you can turn into Jabba the Hut and still have a career in this town? No way lady. We are a society (sadly) obsessed with skinny. For some reason we think anorexic if lovely, until you get to Lindsay and Nicole proportions, then it's Shcok! has she gone too far???
Please, do us all a favor (yourself included) keep up the dancing, lay off the Starbucks for awhile, and quit being so damn airheaded.
Thank you. This has been a rant.
This day last year
I was in Hawaii.
I think I went snorkleing
I was getting over C
Other than the Hawaii thing, I must say that in perspective, I'm doing better this year than I was last. After all, I'm not living with my mom, right?
I think I went snorkleing
I was getting over C
Other than the Hawaii thing, I must say that in perspective, I'm doing better this year than I was last. After all, I'm not living with my mom, right?
Enough!
Enough is enough! I'm done being mopey. Thanks to Sargini who reminded me that Mopey Gina isn't nearly as much fun as hot young singleton Gina AND since I have decided to take the next couple of indefinate amounts of time to work on me and who I am and getting over some lingering issues, I'm not even worried about finding anyone new. In fact, for reasons too lengthy to detail here (what?) I'm not even worried about any kind of possible future reconsillyation with T.
AND thanks to Bridgette Jones for reminding me not to be a fuckwit.
All hail a new era of um, I don't know, but it's a new era anyway, fresh and clean. ha!
Boing! (that's the sound of me bouncing back. it usually follows, "flip" which is the sound of my life being turned over)
And by the way, since watching Bridgette last night, I must say that Colin Firth and Peter Krause are now in a very wicked, very sexy fight over the #2 spot on my top 7 list. Me-ow. I think I'll just let them fight a bit, as long as there are no bruises, of course. yum
AND thanks to Bridgette Jones for reminding me not to be a fuckwit.
All hail a new era of um, I don't know, but it's a new era anyway, fresh and clean. ha!
Boing! (that's the sound of me bouncing back. it usually follows, "flip" which is the sound of my life being turned over)
And by the way, since watching Bridgette last night, I must say that Colin Firth and Peter Krause are now in a very wicked, very sexy fight over the #2 spot on my top 7 list. Me-ow. I think I'll just let them fight a bit, as long as there are no bruises, of course. yum
Monday, May 23, 2005
toilet alert
The middle toilet was replaced recently. The suction is now such that I do not recommend sitting and flushing unless you want butt hickies. If I dissapear, please check the STP plant.
ahhh
He is the man I think he is. He agrees that I need counseling. he was suprised by my email, but I think handled it well. He thinks I need to deal with my father issues too, and I agree. it's a relief, really, it's not often that a person lives up to your expectations.
today
I had a nice, uneventful weekend.
I had an epiphany. That I am afraid to have kids and have allowed my fear to rule me for a long time. I don't know if that means I will have kids, but at least I am facing what I realize is my biggest fear.
I sent T an email to this effect and thanked him for making a positive impact on my life. there is new mail in my box, I am afraid to look. I know that being a coward never got anyone anywhere. but I was already putting myself out there by sending the email.
I guess if he's the man I tink he is, I have nothing to fear, and if he isn't, then I am better off without him.
I had an epiphany. That I am afraid to have kids and have allowed my fear to rule me for a long time. I don't know if that means I will have kids, but at least I am facing what I realize is my biggest fear.
I sent T an email to this effect and thanked him for making a positive impact on my life. there is new mail in my box, I am afraid to look. I know that being a coward never got anyone anywhere. but I was already putting myself out there by sending the email.
I guess if he's the man I tink he is, I have nothing to fear, and if he isn't, then I am better off without him.
Friday, May 20, 2005
We hold these truths to be self evident
That apparently I am not that interesting because no one comes to visit anymore. either that, or my stat counter stopped working.
That I need to learn to be really, honestly, single again. I don't really want to, but if it is true that I have become one of those women who won't be single, then I do want to because I don't want to be like that.
Still miss T (what do you think? it's been less than a week!). Don't think he will call again. I knew I looked forward to his emails all day, but I didn't realise hown much until they stopped.
I may keep selling stuff on craigslist.com JUST so my email is not empty and I don't feel like a loser. Maybe if I include my blog on my postings, I can up my visits here too. That's really sad...
I must be more pathetic than I thought I was.
I just got apricot all over the front of me.
I don't know if I like cats anymore. I like some cats. But I have come to view them the same way I see children and dogs. loud, pukey, poopy, and messy. I like to visit with them but I don't know that I want any of my own. Luckey Spinster may have her upstairs kitty, but I had worse, I think. Two cats, outside my window last night at 3am yowling. tried to make noise from my bed to scare them away, but they would start up again as soon as I fell back to sleep. after 45 minutes, I put on my tennies and bathrobe, filled a bucket of water and tried to douse whichever one ran by. it worked. Buy by this time it was 4 am and I was CRANKY! I was ready to send a nastygram to all my neighbors telling them to keep thier cats in. I'm sick of them pooping in my yard too (the phantom poo was way too big to be cat). I really think I want to get a bb gun. or pellet gun. arcsoft, whatever it takes to keep them away. I am not a mean person, except at 3am when I am having a perfectly good dream and the alarm is due to go off at 5:30. When I had cats, I kept them in. all the time. My mom brings her's in every night. My boss says that all I can do is humanely trap them. but then what am I supposed to do with them? I don't want anyone to lose their kitty, but I find it ver impolite to ask me to listed to them all night. argh!
guess that's all for now.
That I need to learn to be really, honestly, single again. I don't really want to, but if it is true that I have become one of those women who won't be single, then I do want to because I don't want to be like that.
Still miss T (what do you think? it's been less than a week!). Don't think he will call again. I knew I looked forward to his emails all day, but I didn't realise hown much until they stopped.
I may keep selling stuff on craigslist.com JUST so my email is not empty and I don't feel like a loser. Maybe if I include my blog on my postings, I can up my visits here too. That's really sad...
I must be more pathetic than I thought I was.
I just got apricot all over the front of me.
I don't know if I like cats anymore. I like some cats. But I have come to view them the same way I see children and dogs. loud, pukey, poopy, and messy. I like to visit with them but I don't know that I want any of my own. Luckey Spinster may have her upstairs kitty, but I had worse, I think. Two cats, outside my window last night at 3am yowling. tried to make noise from my bed to scare them away, but they would start up again as soon as I fell back to sleep. after 45 minutes, I put on my tennies and bathrobe, filled a bucket of water and tried to douse whichever one ran by. it worked. Buy by this time it was 4 am and I was CRANKY! I was ready to send a nastygram to all my neighbors telling them to keep thier cats in. I'm sick of them pooping in my yard too (the phantom poo was way too big to be cat). I really think I want to get a bb gun. or pellet gun. arcsoft, whatever it takes to keep them away. I am not a mean person, except at 3am when I am having a perfectly good dream and the alarm is due to go off at 5:30. When I had cats, I kept them in. all the time. My mom brings her's in every night. My boss says that all I can do is humanely trap them. but then what am I supposed to do with them? I don't want anyone to lose their kitty, but I find it ver impolite to ask me to listed to them all night. argh!
guess that's all for now.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
why?
Why do people join the military if they are not willing to go to war? The American military is volentary. If you don't want to kill people, don't go. I didn't join, I never went to war. I knew if I joined, I would likely go to war. or be asked to do things I didn't want to do. people would yell at me and force me to make my bed and iron my clothes. No thanks. I mean, the landlord yelled at me yesterday, and I make my bed almost every day now, but...
If I was drafted, I'd go, but thankfully we don't do that anymore. If you join the military, you need to understadn that it is your job to do whatever the government tells you to do, even if you don't agree with it. Desserting makes look like an ass, and it definately makes you a traitor, so please, potential desserters, accept responsibility for the monumentous decision you made and finish your term. Canada should not have to spend it's resources figuring out what to do with you.
If I was drafted, I'd go, but thankfully we don't do that anymore. If you join the military, you need to understadn that it is your job to do whatever the government tells you to do, even if you don't agree with it. Desserting makes look like an ass, and it definately makes you a traitor, so please, potential desserters, accept responsibility for the monumentous decision you made and finish your term. Canada should not have to spend it's resources figuring out what to do with you.
the long and short of it
landlord came over (unannounced) toured the house. complained about how I threw away all the stuff they left behind (not much of a thanks for saving her pictures). Complained about the weeds and the dry grass. didn't seem to care that we water every night, I pulled a bin full on friday, and that we live in a coastal desert. no one has a green lawn. hasn't she seen "a cinderella story"?
As she was leaving she pulled the we want you out in 2-3 months "question" out of her pocked. We told her no, we stuck to our guns. I said shit. She didn't care that my back has not healed from moving the last time. She doesn't understand that it is my house for the next 9 months. She things she can come over whenever she want. after she left, screaming about how we called her names,(no we didn't) I called my lawyer, (yup, ah, I have a lawyer on retention. I'm glad my sister has good taste in men) then I called the sheriff who took a statement. oy.
We finally got her husband to put a stop to it (we hope) and we can continue to live there until the lease is up. Meanwhile, frugal Gina has to figure out how she is gong to save for a down payment because I really don't want to have to rent again. oy.
I hear she proceeded to my next door neighbor's house and told them all about how we hate her and were mean to her. She also called Boy roomie to complain but he didn't answer.
can I have another drama free vacation please? did so well in the last year!
at least it takes my mind off of "T". I still get teary talking about it. I just don't want to hurt anymore. No word from him. I know it's for the best.
After all was said and done, girl roomie and I played barbies. she went kayaking. I want to go kayaking. I think I prefer knitting to barbies. I know we're old, but we're kids at heart. Really we just put the stickers on the camping set and changed thier clothes. then we left the mess in the middle of the living room because we can.
As she was leaving she pulled the we want you out in 2-3 months "question" out of her pocked. We told her no, we stuck to our guns. I said shit. She didn't care that my back has not healed from moving the last time. She doesn't understand that it is my house for the next 9 months. She things she can come over whenever she want. after she left, screaming about how we called her names,(no we didn't) I called my lawyer, (yup, ah, I have a lawyer on retention. I'm glad my sister has good taste in men) then I called the sheriff who took a statement. oy.
We finally got her husband to put a stop to it (we hope) and we can continue to live there until the lease is up. Meanwhile, frugal Gina has to figure out how she is gong to save for a down payment because I really don't want to have to rent again. oy.
I hear she proceeded to my next door neighbor's house and told them all about how we hate her and were mean to her. She also called Boy roomie to complain but he didn't answer.
can I have another drama free vacation please? did so well in the last year!
at least it takes my mind off of "T". I still get teary talking about it. I just don't want to hurt anymore. No word from him. I know it's for the best.
After all was said and done, girl roomie and I played barbies. she went kayaking. I want to go kayaking. I think I prefer knitting to barbies. I know we're old, but we're kids at heart. Really we just put the stickers on the camping set and changed thier clothes. then we left the mess in the middle of the living room because we can.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Dear Silly Girl
Just because Danny and Sandy were able to overcome thier differences and fly away in Greased Lightning to live happily ever after does not mean that this is in the cards for you. If I catch you singing "Hopelessly Devoted", even in the shower, I'll have to slap you. That would be really funny, but really creepy for anyone who is watching. Let's not test it.
Dear Self
Idiot Girl,
Please stop torturing yourself with hope. He may have said he would call, but you know it is best that he doesn't. You know you will not get back together, and that although it hurts terribly now, it is better for you both in the long run. Please stop checking your email, he is not going to write. The two of you have no reason to stay in touch and it is best that you don't regardless of the fact that he says he wants to remain friends. In fact, you know in your heart that when he walked out the door, you would not be seeing him again unless it was by accident, and that when you do, you will be crushed all over again because that is the kind of person you are. so although it is in your nature to torture yourself this way, stop. you have other things to focus on now.
Like the fact that the landlord DOES want to break your lease and tonight you might have to stand up to her and tell her where to go and demand copious amounts of money on behalf of your housemates and yourself, even though what you really want is to have a quiet evening of TV and knitting. And, sad to say, your boyfriend back.
And, sad to say, you will likely knit the night away, alone, after you tell the landlady to stuff it, and by the way, don't ever enter my house without permission with no one home on a non emergency basis again or I'll have you arrested for breaking and entering. (this is how I deal, I get worked up about other things)
Please stop torturing yourself with hope. He may have said he would call, but you know it is best that he doesn't. You know you will not get back together, and that although it hurts terribly now, it is better for you both in the long run. Please stop checking your email, he is not going to write. The two of you have no reason to stay in touch and it is best that you don't regardless of the fact that he says he wants to remain friends. In fact, you know in your heart that when he walked out the door, you would not be seeing him again unless it was by accident, and that when you do, you will be crushed all over again because that is the kind of person you are. so although it is in your nature to torture yourself this way, stop. you have other things to focus on now.
Like the fact that the landlord DOES want to break your lease and tonight you might have to stand up to her and tell her where to go and demand copious amounts of money on behalf of your housemates and yourself, even though what you really want is to have a quiet evening of TV and knitting. And, sad to say, your boyfriend back.
And, sad to say, you will likely knit the night away, alone, after you tell the landlady to stuff it, and by the way, don't ever enter my house without permission with no one home on a non emergency basis again or I'll have you arrested for breaking and entering. (this is how I deal, I get worked up about other things)
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Not a depressing post
Please add Peter Krause to my top ten list. in between Orlando and Colin. Sorry Colin, but he's hot.
If we both feel sick over it, that means it was the wrong chioce, right? right?
No, I have not heard from him. and in all honesty, even if he did say, let's try, then I would know that if I didn't change my mind, it would be over someday anyway, and I could have healed. there would be too much pressure, too much expectation. Too much standing in the way of us really having the relationship we both deserve.
If I changed my mind, he would always wonder if I did it for him. If I had an "accident" he would always wonder if I did it to keep him. In both situations, I would question my own motives too.
If he changed his mind, I would always wonder what would have happened if he hadn't. I would wonder if he regretted it. I think he would second guess himself too.
I am buried in work but I cannot concentrate on it. That's so wrong.
How was I supposed to know that kiss hello was going to be a kiss goodbye? I'm so glad I tried to make it count.
don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...only an hour and a half left, I must be strong and make it through the day. Why did I have to tell myself it was going to be ok?
No, I have not heard from him. and in all honesty, even if he did say, let's try, then I would know that if I didn't change my mind, it would be over someday anyway, and I could have healed. there would be too much pressure, too much expectation. Too much standing in the way of us really having the relationship we both deserve.
If I changed my mind, he would always wonder if I did it for him. If I had an "accident" he would always wonder if I did it to keep him. In both situations, I would question my own motives too.
If he changed his mind, I would always wonder what would have happened if he hadn't. I would wonder if he regretted it. I think he would second guess himself too.
I am buried in work but I cannot concentrate on it. That's so wrong.
How was I supposed to know that kiss hello was going to be a kiss goodbye? I'm so glad I tried to make it count.
don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...only an hour and a half left, I must be strong and make it through the day. Why did I have to tell myself it was going to be ok?
like an idiot
I keep checking my email in case he has sent a message, even though I know he won't, even though I know I shouldn't.
He asked if he should call "tomorrow" or if he should wait a couple days. I asked for a couple of days.
I fear that if I have contact with him, even a little, I will have hope. And I know that is wrong. He has made his choice.
I fall too easily.
He asked if he should call "tomorrow" or if he should wait a couple days. I asked for a couple of days.
I fear that if I have contact with him, even a little, I will have hope. And I know that is wrong. He has made his choice.
I fall too easily.
the strange and the sad
I learned Friday that my Mailman has a mohawk.
Saturday a Giant Cow walked up my street. Her name is Daisy. She's the biggest cow I have ever seen.
There is a random pile of dog crap in my back yard. We do not have a dog. We have not had any dog visitors.
My landlords may want us to break lease and move. I don't want to. We've only lived there three months.
BF is now to be referred to as "T". He broke up with me last night on account of the kid thing. I am trying not to be weepy. I'm really sad. I liked him a lot. He wants to remain friends. Apparently, I am a very cool chick. If I am so damn cool, how come no one wants to be with me? I was willing to go to counseling to face my demons and see if that would help, but he didn't seem to want to wait for that.
I think I dreamed once of blogging a breakup. so I guess I saw it comming, whether I knew it or not.
Saturday a Giant Cow walked up my street. Her name is Daisy. She's the biggest cow I have ever seen.
There is a random pile of dog crap in my back yard. We do not have a dog. We have not had any dog visitors.
My landlords may want us to break lease and move. I don't want to. We've only lived there three months.
BF is now to be referred to as "T". He broke up with me last night on account of the kid thing. I am trying not to be weepy. I'm really sad. I liked him a lot. He wants to remain friends. Apparently, I am a very cool chick. If I am so damn cool, how come no one wants to be with me? I was willing to go to counseling to face my demons and see if that would help, but he didn't seem to want to wait for that.
I think I dreamed once of blogging a breakup. so I guess I saw it comming, whether I knew it or not.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Things about me
Here asre some things about me you likely don't know because you're a stranger. (only my sister knows to find my thoughts here). This was prompted by a Dark Chocolate kit kat.
1. I'm a milk chocolate kind of girl.
2.My mind is dirty, my intentions pure.
3.I can't bear tomatoes
4.Stars make me smile.
5.So do giggling children
6.So do giggling adults
7.Sometimes I am overwhelmed by life. But I wouldn't give it up for anything.
8.There are things I have done and said for which I will be forever sorry, even though they have been forgotten by the other parties involved
9.Singing provides me the most satisfying emotional release. When I can't do that, I throw things.
10.I throw like a girl.
11. I fear leaving behind an ugly corpse. I think I need to stop watching six feet under
12. I should be working
13.I suffer from social anxiety
14. someone told me once that I run like a horse
15. I long to wear funky clothes and be wild but I fear that others will see me as a poser.
16. I should have practiced my flute more and slept in less.
17. I didn't practice because I was afraid my family would make fun of me. Plus I am lazy. Also, it wasn't nearly as fun as watching TV or reading
18. I could be a better friend
19. I have a tendancy to interrupt
20. I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.
21.I have no respect for Paris or Britney. Partially because they are not looking to be respectable.
22. I hope I grow old as gracefully as my mother, grandmother, and great grandmother
23. I wish I had a better relationship with my father.
24.I envy my sister her relationship with our step father, but I will never fully forgive him.
25. I'm not the activist I once was.
I guess I should stop now.
1. I'm a milk chocolate kind of girl.
2.My mind is dirty, my intentions pure.
3.I can't bear tomatoes
4.Stars make me smile.
5.So do giggling children
6.So do giggling adults
7.Sometimes I am overwhelmed by life. But I wouldn't give it up for anything.
8.There are things I have done and said for which I will be forever sorry, even though they have been forgotten by the other parties involved
9.Singing provides me the most satisfying emotional release. When I can't do that, I throw things.
10.I throw like a girl.
11. I fear leaving behind an ugly corpse. I think I need to stop watching six feet under
12. I should be working
13.I suffer from social anxiety
14. someone told me once that I run like a horse
15. I long to wear funky clothes and be wild but I fear that others will see me as a poser.
16. I should have practiced my flute more and slept in less.
17. I didn't practice because I was afraid my family would make fun of me. Plus I am lazy. Also, it wasn't nearly as fun as watching TV or reading
18. I could be a better friend
19. I have a tendancy to interrupt
20. I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.
21.I have no respect for Paris or Britney. Partially because they are not looking to be respectable.
22. I hope I grow old as gracefully as my mother, grandmother, and great grandmother
23. I wish I had a better relationship with my father.
24.I envy my sister her relationship with our step father, but I will never fully forgive him.
25. I'm not the activist I once was.
I guess I should stop now.
Weekend
The wedding shower was a hit. I was so tired I hardly remember it.
Seester confronted cousin, the reply? a deadpan "I'm sorry you feel that way". That's all. I don't think she likes us. But then, looking back, sometimes I think she does. So I guess I am back to not understanding why she is behaving this way.
I managed to spend my entire paycheck before I got paid. Hello overdraft fees. Where does my money go? Say hi to the new and terribly frugal Gina. I still have to pay for my reunion...fuck.
BF was sick but he's better now. I still like him, my sister says he's strange. I whispered that we all are, but really, it's bothering me. I trust her intuitions, and I do tend to pick "winners". I would like to know if it is strange like "J" (formerly known as coworker I dated) or strange, like don't leave your kids with him, or strange, like unknown, which is what I am hoping because I am learing that he doesn't let everyone in (unlike myself and my family). I explained to her that unlike us, BF won't like you until he gets to know you, until you give him a reason to like you. We tend to like you until you give us a reason not to, and then we'll still like you while you walk all over us and hurt our feelings.
I am afraid that someone will give me a reason why I shouldn't continue to see him. I worry that they will tell me he is bad. I don't think he is bad. But I tend to see the best in people and ignore the worst. And I promised myself I would listen to my family and friends when they expressed doubts. I am afraid they will not like him even when they get to know him.
Seester confronted cousin, the reply? a deadpan "I'm sorry you feel that way". That's all. I don't think she likes us. But then, looking back, sometimes I think she does. So I guess I am back to not understanding why she is behaving this way.
I managed to spend my entire paycheck before I got paid. Hello overdraft fees. Where does my money go? Say hi to the new and terribly frugal Gina. I still have to pay for my reunion...fuck.
BF was sick but he's better now. I still like him, my sister says he's strange. I whispered that we all are, but really, it's bothering me. I trust her intuitions, and I do tend to pick "winners". I would like to know if it is strange like "J" (formerly known as coworker I dated) or strange, like don't leave your kids with him, or strange, like unknown, which is what I am hoping because I am learing that he doesn't let everyone in (unlike myself and my family). I explained to her that unlike us, BF won't like you until he gets to know you, until you give him a reason to like you. We tend to like you until you give us a reason not to, and then we'll still like you while you walk all over us and hurt our feelings.
I am afraid that someone will give me a reason why I shouldn't continue to see him. I worry that they will tell me he is bad. I don't think he is bad. But I tend to see the best in people and ignore the worst. And I promised myself I would listen to my family and friends when they expressed doubts. I am afraid they will not like him even when they get to know him.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
I don't think
I don't think that it is unamerican for me to feel as though our current administrations apparent goal of changing the governments of countries who's leadership style is differnet from ours is wrong.
I wonder if they understand that those countries come from a differnet mindset than we do and that thier culture and history is different. Just because we like it, doesn't mean it is right for them. True evolution cannot be forced and, just because it seeme to work for us (or does it?) doesn't mean that it is right for them.
This has been sparked by an article I read on Yahoo which states that Russia believes that americans have been sending spies into thier country in order to insite revolution towards democracy.
I would like to see my worldly neighbors live happy healthy lives, and I certainly am not complaining about the disposal of Saddam Houssein as the dictator of Iraq, and I am not going to pretend to be so politically savy that I know what is really going on in the world (Remember, I just found out about the slaughter in Rwanda), but it seems to me that things have been pretty quiet over there as they slowly change thier ruling style (Russia, not Iraq. What a mess!). I do think I need to read more Yahoo news, they give better information
I wonder if they understand that those countries come from a differnet mindset than we do and that thier culture and history is different. Just because we like it, doesn't mean it is right for them. True evolution cannot be forced and, just because it seeme to work for us (or does it?) doesn't mean that it is right for them.
This has been sparked by an article I read on Yahoo which states that Russia believes that americans have been sending spies into thier country in order to insite revolution towards democracy.
I would like to see my worldly neighbors live happy healthy lives, and I certainly am not complaining about the disposal of Saddam Houssein as the dictator of Iraq, and I am not going to pretend to be so politically savy that I know what is really going on in the world (Remember, I just found out about the slaughter in Rwanda), but it seems to me that things have been pretty quiet over there as they slowly change thier ruling style (Russia, not Iraq. What a mess!). I do think I need to read more Yahoo news, they give better information
another deal breaker
Wedgies. my underwear already tends to be up my ass whether I want it there or not. It has come to my attention that some guys still think it is funny to give wedgies. it's not. it's disrespectful and painful. And a great way to piss me off. I get pissed just thinking about it! I mean, what do you think? "oh honey, it really makes me hot when you yank my undies up my butt. I can't wait to pry them outta there so you can do it again"
Really. once again, are we twelve?
I realize that I make it sound like I have no appriciation for juvenile behavior. This is not true. I just think that if there is something you used to do to the nerdy kid at school to make him or her run away in tears, you probably shouldn't do that to your lover. could just be me.
By the way, no more sticky.
Really. once again, are we twelve?
I realize that I make it sound like I have no appriciation for juvenile behavior. This is not true. I just think that if there is something you used to do to the nerdy kid at school to make him or her run away in tears, you probably shouldn't do that to your lover. could just be me.
By the way, no more sticky.
Snagged from Jen
I don't know how I scored so high in Wine, since I don't drink the stuff, and so low in liquor, since I do drink the stuff. Maybe I am sophisticated. (ha ha ha ha!)I have to say though, I am damn proud to be a bourbon. Smooth, mellow, and intoxicating. NICE!
| Bourbon Congratulations! You're 102 proof, with specific scores in beer (40) , wine (100), and liquor (52). |
| Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties. |
 |
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Guinea Pig
My sister is an Avon Lady. (see her link at Right---> ) Every so often she and her friends decide I should be a guinea pig for whatever new product they are too scared to try out themselves. Below is my email to her regarding Avon's new Skin So Soft home waxing kit.
tried it before my shower last night, and I must say that it does indeed work well.
But I am still sticky. Used the (soothing) oil before my shower, sticky. Hair condiditoner in the shower (oil based, right?) still sticky. Soap? sticky. more oil after shower. hmmm. sticky. woke up this morning. still sticky.
Moral of the story? Sticky.
Other moral of the story? I don't know from experience, but I imagine it's best to use this product when you won't have contact with another person until the stickiness wears off. Because you don't want anyone stuck to your...leg. Or worse. under your arm. Actually, I didn't try either of those places, so really, it could have been MUCH worse than that.
By the way, I don't know if the stickiness has worn off yet. I'm not one to go around checking for stickiness. eew. that was gross.
tried it before my shower last night, and I must say that it does indeed work well.
But I am still sticky. Used the (soothing) oil before my shower, sticky. Hair condiditoner in the shower (oil based, right?) still sticky. Soap? sticky. more oil after shower. hmmm. sticky. woke up this morning. still sticky.
Moral of the story? Sticky.
Other moral of the story? I don't know from experience, but I imagine it's best to use this product when you won't have contact with another person until the stickiness wears off. Because you don't want anyone stuck to your...leg. Or worse. under your arm. Actually, I didn't try either of those places, so really, it could have been MUCH worse than that.
By the way, I don't know if the stickiness has worn off yet. I'm not one to go around checking for stickiness. eew. that was gross.
if someone said to you
"Someone turned off my thingy"
would you giggle? I did. I think I embarrassed my boss. He really didn't mean it that way.
Speaking of my boss, he suggested that I wear roller skates so that I could get around quicker. I got all excited and asked if I could wear short shorts and a tube top too. with sequins.
He said no. and no tassels either. dammnit. There goes tomorrow's outfit.
would you giggle? I did. I think I embarrassed my boss. He really didn't mean it that way.
Speaking of my boss, he suggested that I wear roller skates so that I could get around quicker. I got all excited and asked if I could wear short shorts and a tube top too. with sequins.
He said no. and no tassels either. dammnit. There goes tomorrow's outfit.
favorite quote from last night
Says me:
Oh, my belly, I am so full. I wish I could puke up my dinner so I can finish my drink.
then, later:
damn. we didn't finish our drinks and now it's bed time. Let's chug them!!
Oh, my belly, I am so full. I wish I could puke up my dinner so I can finish my drink.
then, later:
damn. we didn't finish our drinks and now it's bed time. Let's chug them!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Top ten list
Every one has one. after watching "Fever Pitch" (fun, cute movie. we laughed, we applauded, we sang along. total chick flick. BF was glad I didn't try to make him go) Girl roomie and I thought we'd list ours. I think my top ten is actually a top six, but, whatever.
1. Orlando Bloom
2. Colin Firth
3.Jimmy Fallon
4. Jet Li
5.Ryan Reynolds
6. Leonardo DiCapprio (a la Titanic, of course)
also, for fun, here is the joke from my laffy taffy today.
Why didn't the lady get hurt when she fell off the cliff?
she was wearing a light fall dress.
bad, I know. but what do you expect from laffy taffy?
1. Orlando Bloom
2. Colin Firth
3.Jimmy Fallon
4. Jet Li
5.Ryan Reynolds
6. Leonardo DiCapprio (a la Titanic, of course)
also, for fun, here is the joke from my laffy taffy today.
Why didn't the lady get hurt when she fell off the cliff?
she was wearing a light fall dress.
bad, I know. but what do you expect from laffy taffy?
I'm back!
Had very busy days Friday and Monday and couldn't come out to play. I think I am caught up now.
Had a great weekend.
Found out my dad sold the family home. last March. I have no idea where he is living now. However, my mom just saw him coming out of a hotel, spoke briefly with him, and says he seems healthy and well taken care of. I'm glad to hear it.
My cousin and her friends bought out the family campground without even asking the rest of us if we wanted in. I am angry about it. But my sister and I are talking about buying our own damn camping property, so there!
Had a great weekend.
Found out my dad sold the family home. last March. I have no idea where he is living now. However, my mom just saw him coming out of a hotel, spoke briefly with him, and says he seems healthy and well taken care of. I'm glad to hear it.
My cousin and her friends bought out the family campground without even asking the rest of us if we wanted in. I am angry about it. But my sister and I are talking about buying our own damn camping property, so there!
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Finally!
I finally found it!
I have been searching, since I was a freshman in High School for a poem. I didn't know the title. I didn't know the author. All I knew was that it touched me profoundly and the first and last lines had been running through my head for, um, 13 years. I knew it was a black writer, as I had found it in a book of American black poets at the school I was going to at the time. But after I moved, there was no way I could return to the library to try and find it again! I thought it was from the Civil War era, but now I know it was much later than that and that the writer was a Jamaican man well known in Harlem. Here it is, I hope it touches you the way it touched me then and still does now.
The Barrier
By Claude McKay
I must not gaze at them although
Your eyes are dawning day;
I must not watch you as you go
Your sun-illumined way;
I hear but must not ever heed
The facinating note,
Which fluting like a river reed,
Comes from your trembling throat;
I must not see upon your face
Love's softly glowing spark;
For there's the barrier of race
You're fair and I am dark.
I have been searching, since I was a freshman in High School for a poem. I didn't know the title. I didn't know the author. All I knew was that it touched me profoundly and the first and last lines had been running through my head for, um, 13 years. I knew it was a black writer, as I had found it in a book of American black poets at the school I was going to at the time. But after I moved, there was no way I could return to the library to try and find it again! I thought it was from the Civil War era, but now I know it was much later than that and that the writer was a Jamaican man well known in Harlem. Here it is, I hope it touches you the way it touched me then and still does now.
The Barrier
By Claude McKay
I must not gaze at them although
Your eyes are dawning day;
I must not watch you as you go
Your sun-illumined way;
I hear but must not ever heed
The facinating note,
Which fluting like a river reed,
Comes from your trembling throat;
I must not see upon your face
Love's softly glowing spark;
For there's the barrier of race
You're fair and I am dark.
Deal Breakers
Everyone has their list of deal breakers. Here's mine:
Covered Wagons. Also known as a Dutch Oven, where a fart happens under the covers and the culprit pulls sid covers over the victim's head in order to force them to smell the fumes in a closed in concentrated manor. This really is at the top of my list!!
Wet Willies. I don't mind my ears nibbled or whatever, but don't stick your finger in there. and REALLY don't lick your finger and stick it in there. ugh.
Clipping tonails in the living room/kitchen/bedroom, really anywhere but in the bathroom or outside. Those things are sharp, and gross. beep them where they are far from food, and easy to sweep up.
Farting is ok as long as it is not intentionally done on my person. I read once that the reason farts smell is because there are tiny poo particles floating around and that is what smells. I don't want your poo particles on my person. Accidents happen, everybody farts, whether they admit it or not, or do it openly or not. but to intentionally put your butt on someone and pass gas? uh uh. I don't think so.
Physical violence against my self or family. this sounds like a no brainer. But if you hit me, I'm gonna leave forever. right after I beat the ever loving shit out of you. Against my family? I put up with it once. had a boy friend who kicked my mom in the head. He said he was just playing, but he was mad, and he didn't hurt her, he has amazing control over his body and barely tapped her, but I will always feel bad for not ending it with him right then.
Drug and alcohol abuse. I can accept if you want to quit, are in a program, are dedicated to your program....but I'd rather you weren't involved in the shit. I've had enough heartaches over drug and alcohol use.
Wow. that got a lot more serious than I thought it would! guess that's all for now!
Covered Wagons. Also known as a Dutch Oven, where a fart happens under the covers and the culprit pulls sid covers over the victim's head in order to force them to smell the fumes in a closed in concentrated manor. This really is at the top of my list!!
Wet Willies. I don't mind my ears nibbled or whatever, but don't stick your finger in there. and REALLY don't lick your finger and stick it in there. ugh.
Clipping tonails in the living room/kitchen/bedroom, really anywhere but in the bathroom or outside. Those things are sharp, and gross. beep them where they are far from food, and easy to sweep up.
Farting is ok as long as it is not intentionally done on my person. I read once that the reason farts smell is because there are tiny poo particles floating around and that is what smells. I don't want your poo particles on my person. Accidents happen, everybody farts, whether they admit it or not, or do it openly or not. but to intentionally put your butt on someone and pass gas? uh uh. I don't think so.
Physical violence against my self or family. this sounds like a no brainer. But if you hit me, I'm gonna leave forever. right after I beat the ever loving shit out of you. Against my family? I put up with it once. had a boy friend who kicked my mom in the head. He said he was just playing, but he was mad, and he didn't hurt her, he has amazing control over his body and barely tapped her, but I will always feel bad for not ending it with him right then.
Drug and alcohol abuse. I can accept if you want to quit, are in a program, are dedicated to your program....but I'd rather you weren't involved in the shit. I've had enough heartaches over drug and alcohol use.
Wow. that got a lot more serious than I thought it would! guess that's all for now!
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Sharing childhood memories
Since I just shared these with my boss, I thought you might enjoy them too. These are the things we used to wander around singing, along with great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts...and all that jazz.
(insert two syllable name here) is a nut, she/he has a rubber butt.
And every time she/he turns around sh/he goes putt, putt.
then the infamous
Everybody's doin it, doin it, doin it
Pickin their nose and chewin it, chewin it, chewin it,
Tastes like candy but it's really snot
An ice crea sunday with a booger on the top.
I almost forgot about how so and so stole the cookie from the cookie jar (who me??) yes you. (couldn't be) then who??
That one could go on forever...
I catch myself actually saying this one to little kids when they pitch a fit...
(insert name here) is mad and I am glad cuz I know how to tease him/her...
I HATED that!
Ah, the memories of being kicked out of my aunt's house with a plastic cup of kool aide all day so she could clean house...We could come back for lunch (a pb and j and out we went) She wore a bandanna on her head...I do it too when I'm doing heavy cleaning.
Wow. I didn't think two little rhymes would bring back such a flood of memories! I may have to email those to my sister and cousin now.
(insert two syllable name here) is a nut, she/he has a rubber butt.
And every time she/he turns around sh/he goes putt, putt.
then the infamous
Everybody's doin it, doin it, doin it
Pickin their nose and chewin it, chewin it, chewin it,
Tastes like candy but it's really snot
An ice crea sunday with a booger on the top.
I almost forgot about how so and so stole the cookie from the cookie jar (who me??) yes you. (couldn't be) then who??
That one could go on forever...
I catch myself actually saying this one to little kids when they pitch a fit...
(insert name here) is mad and I am glad cuz I know how to tease him/her...
I HATED that!
Ah, the memories of being kicked out of my aunt's house with a plastic cup of kool aide all day so she could clean house...We could come back for lunch (a pb and j and out we went) She wore a bandanna on her head...I do it too when I'm doing heavy cleaning.
Wow. I didn't think two little rhymes would bring back such a flood of memories! I may have to email those to my sister and cousin now.
a little better still
date went very nice, although I was apparently nervous all evening. we talked a little bit, about how I may change my mind eventually, but not to keep him, and how I knew he still wanted to hang out with me, because he was there. And that it will take me some time to get comfortable again. Not that I have ever been totally comfortable, but I was getting there. But now, I think I am back to being gun shy.
Meanwhile, I think he is more comfortable with me because he does those gross things guys do like scratch and burp. he hasn't farted (while I was awake) but I know it's coming. And he did tell me the other day that he had gas. Thanks. and, good for you.
I do believe though that being with someone has as much to do with whether you can deal with their habits and ideosycracies as it does whether you are attracted to them. Attraction does not keep a relationship going. You don't want to be with someone who you think smells bad. I don't thinkI could be with someone who trimmed thier toenails in the living room/kitchen/etc. I thinkI will make a list of deal breakers. hmm.
Meanwhile, I think he is more comfortable with me because he does those gross things guys do like scratch and burp. he hasn't farted (while I was awake) but I know it's coming. And he did tell me the other day that he had gas. Thanks. and, good for you.
I do believe though that being with someone has as much to do with whether you can deal with their habits and ideosycracies as it does whether you are attracted to them. Attraction does not keep a relationship going. You don't want to be with someone who you think smells bad. I don't thinkI could be with someone who trimmed thier toenails in the living room/kitchen/etc. I thinkI will make a list of deal breakers. hmm.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
did I say that?
My boss says I'm going to the dark side. I said he's the devil.
He was telling stories again and I told him it was a crock of...baloney. This prompted the following comment:
Eew. imagine how nasty a crock of baloney would smell. would it be worse than a crock of shit?? shit smells pretty bad, and if you cook it, I imagine it would be worse, but baloney, it has to be close.
Sorry guys, I've already decided I'm going to hell. At least I'll be in good company...
yeah, I said that. baloney is nasty.
He was telling stories again and I told him it was a crock of...baloney. This prompted the following comment:
Eew. imagine how nasty a crock of baloney would smell. would it be worse than a crock of shit?? shit smells pretty bad, and if you cook it, I imagine it would be worse, but baloney, it has to be close.
Sorry guys, I've already decided I'm going to hell. At least I'll be in good company...
yeah, I said that. baloney is nasty.
Exciting for me
probably lame for you
BUT
I used my first handmade washcloth in the shower last night and while I was not impressed with my prototype (it kept rolling up on me!), it's ok because I can always make more, and, who gets it right the first time anyway? In fact, I have the second prototype on the needles right now. My partner gets to try out thay one.
BUT
I used my first handmade washcloth in the shower last night and while I was not impressed with my prototype (it kept rolling up on me!), it's ok because I can always make more, and, who gets it right the first time anyway? In fact, I have the second prototype on the needles right now. My partner gets to try out thay one.
a bit better today
the lump is nearly gone. No one has died yet, and I have a date with BF tonight, which means he does want to see me still. Ideally I will not turn back into weepy, girly, gina. she's enough to make me sick with all her blubbering and heartbreak.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Although we have been emailing all day, I feel shy to call him tonight because even though
I know we need to solve this issue to move on (I have been watching him play way too many video games, I think) I fear that he will choose to let me go instead of gambling on a might.
after all, the last one sent me away rather than give up a friendship with his ex.
and what if he decides to gamble? how long will it be until he tells me he doesn't want to wait anymore? What if I haven't changed my mind?
paradox.
I know we need to solve this issue to move on (I have been watching him play way too many video games, I think) I fear that he will choose to let me go instead of gambling on a might.
after all, the last one sent me away rather than give up a friendship with his ex.
and what if he decides to gamble? how long will it be until he tells me he doesn't want to wait anymore? What if I haven't changed my mind?
paradox.
trying to swallow the lump in my throat the size of New York City. skyscrapers and all.
Will have to tell BF that he can either hope I will change my mind someday or let me go so I can crawl under my desk and cry and heal. And likely hate myself for making a big promise when I was 16 to myself and carrying it on all these years for reasons that don't seem so strong now that I have voiced them to someone. At least he said my reasons were valid.
I may overdose on Chrysanthimum tea.
Will have to tell BF that he can either hope I will change my mind someday or let me go so I can crawl under my desk and cry and heal. And likely hate myself for making a big promise when I was 16 to myself and carrying it on all these years for reasons that don't seem so strong now that I have voiced them to someone. At least he said my reasons were valid.
I may overdose on Chrysanthimum tea.
Lotto Taxes
Apparently, winning the Man Lotto means you have to pay Lotto Taxes or lose your winnings.
BF verbalized an issue last night. He wants kids and I don't. He thought I would either A) leave and think about it or B) shrug it off. I suprised him by C) crying.
I hate it when people see me cry. First of all, I am not one of those women who look beautiful when I cry, I look real. puffy red eyes, red, runny nose. awful. secondly, I prefer that my emotional outbrakes be private. no audience.
I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do. I will not concede to having kids just to keep him, although I have to admit, there is a temptation. But I don't think that is right. I will admit, however, where my mom and sister can't hear, that it is possible that I will change my mind. but I don't think it is right to ask him to pin his hopes on what I may or may not be thinking in a couple of years. Part of my resolve has to do with all the people who said I would change my mind. I don't want them to say "I told you so." It's rude.
I could say good bye and walk away. This is the most logical thing to do. It's only been two months, we have nothing but time invested. But neither of us wants to stop seeing each other. With other men, at this point, I could have done with little trouble. This one is different. He fits me better.
I still maintain that I made the right decision when it came to the choices with E. But that was a different situation. I don't want to make the right decision, then turn around and make a wrong one.
Suppose I walk away and end up having a kid later. why couldn't I have decided to have one with BF? I think he'll be a good dad. But I have always maintained that I don't want kids. How sincere am I if I change my mind over less than 24 hour's thought?
In unrelated news, I found out that my dear friend Candy passed away. This made me cry at work.
Candy was, if ever I were to choose one, my mentor in so many ways. She travelled the world. She was a good mother and grandmother. But more than that, she sparkled and shined and surrounded herself with colorful, interesting people. she taught me that there are no limits. She taught me that I want to be colorful and interesting. She encouraged me to dance and sing and fly. She listened to my stories and shared my sorrows and my laughter. I would love her advice about BF right now. She told me stories of her childhood in Tennesee. Although I massaged her every week, she made me feel like family. Never like the hired help. She made sure her family got massages too. even the grandchildren. I can hear her voice as she pointed out all her dear friends' pictures on the bathroom wall. I can see and smell the orchids and tuberoses she would bring me from her frequent trips to Hawaii. She always made sure there was enough beauty to go around.
Though cancer stopped me from massaging her, she would come down and say hello when she felt well enough. I have heard that radiation desroys the soul. that it leaves holes that you carry into the afterlife. I hope that the reikki treatments I gave her, although they were few, helped to heal her soul so that she can be as whole and beautiful in the afterlife as she was in the physical life. But if I know Candy, she will love her new form regardless. She was a special lady. I am so blessed to have known her. and I know, because she often told me, that she felt blessed to know me too. Perhaps knowing that is the greatest gift, among all her gifts, that she gave to me.
I love you Candy, wherever you are.
BF verbalized an issue last night. He wants kids and I don't. He thought I would either A) leave and think about it or B) shrug it off. I suprised him by C) crying.
I hate it when people see me cry. First of all, I am not one of those women who look beautiful when I cry, I look real. puffy red eyes, red, runny nose. awful. secondly, I prefer that my emotional outbrakes be private. no audience.
I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do. I will not concede to having kids just to keep him, although I have to admit, there is a temptation. But I don't think that is right. I will admit, however, where my mom and sister can't hear, that it is possible that I will change my mind. but I don't think it is right to ask him to pin his hopes on what I may or may not be thinking in a couple of years. Part of my resolve has to do with all the people who said I would change my mind. I don't want them to say "I told you so." It's rude.
I could say good bye and walk away. This is the most logical thing to do. It's only been two months, we have nothing but time invested. But neither of us wants to stop seeing each other. With other men, at this point, I could have done with little trouble. This one is different. He fits me better.
I still maintain that I made the right decision when it came to the choices with E. But that was a different situation. I don't want to make the right decision, then turn around and make a wrong one.
Suppose I walk away and end up having a kid later. why couldn't I have decided to have one with BF? I think he'll be a good dad. But I have always maintained that I don't want kids. How sincere am I if I change my mind over less than 24 hour's thought?
In unrelated news, I found out that my dear friend Candy passed away. This made me cry at work.
Candy was, if ever I were to choose one, my mentor in so many ways. She travelled the world. She was a good mother and grandmother. But more than that, she sparkled and shined and surrounded herself with colorful, interesting people. she taught me that there are no limits. She taught me that I want to be colorful and interesting. She encouraged me to dance and sing and fly. She listened to my stories and shared my sorrows and my laughter. I would love her advice about BF right now. She told me stories of her childhood in Tennesee. Although I massaged her every week, she made me feel like family. Never like the hired help. She made sure her family got massages too. even the grandchildren. I can hear her voice as she pointed out all her dear friends' pictures on the bathroom wall. I can see and smell the orchids and tuberoses she would bring me from her frequent trips to Hawaii. She always made sure there was enough beauty to go around.
Though cancer stopped me from massaging her, she would come down and say hello when she felt well enough. I have heard that radiation desroys the soul. that it leaves holes that you carry into the afterlife. I hope that the reikki treatments I gave her, although they were few, helped to heal her soul so that she can be as whole and beautiful in the afterlife as she was in the physical life. But if I know Candy, she will love her new form regardless. She was a special lady. I am so blessed to have known her. and I know, because she often told me, that she felt blessed to know me too. Perhaps knowing that is the greatest gift, among all her gifts, that she gave to me.
I love you Candy, wherever you are.
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