Really, it's just keeping me in line

Last week, I think I was starting to get a little scared. You see, it's almost the new year. January. And I said that I would contact a realtor after the first of the year. Which means over the next couple of months I will (hopefully) be making one of the largest purchases of my life. Alone. On an income from a job I don't know if I want to keep. I am grateful for it, and I have every inteention of doing the best that I can at it. I'm just not sure it's a good fit for me.

So I was feeling a little scared. And comfortable in the situation I'm in. After all, I have a nice, comfortable home, and I don't pay for anything.

Ok that part makes me feel a bit badly.

But this weekend, I am back on track. By 8:30, I was getting REALLY cranky with the talking heads. I like football, in small doses. The TV went on at 1 pm. After the Dallas game, Poo said I could change it. I thanked him and started watching a movie. then BR came over. and the TV flipped back and forth between my movie and the football game. I could have gone and watched TV in Poo's room, but I don't have enough room to spin in there. (and I don't hand out in other people's bedrooms) And I was on a spinning ROLL this weekend.

Then Clint came over. Third day in a row. Which means Poo and my little dinner turned into a bigger production. And as the beer got consumed, the conversation got louder. BR left not long after the conversation turned to work. Finally, I couldn't handle the work talk anymore. I don't want to spend my weekend talking about it. When I am off, I like to forget I have a job. It's something I have trouble doing because I have a tendency to be a workaholic. By Sunday, I start worrying about getting up on Monday. The projects I need to check on. The everything that needs to be out of my head when I am not at work so I don't get burned out. I am good at distracting myself from work thoughts. Until the beer starts pouring and the discussion starts. It's not just when Clint is here, but he does contribute.

I finally had to go to my room and shut the door. Turn on music so that their voices don't come through.

And I am reminded that I need to be out on my own. In my space. Quiet space. Doing the things I love to do without worrying if I am in someone's way, or whether I will have unexpected visitors. (Clint doesn't call, he just shows up, which I probably wouldn't mind if I liked him)

For that reminder, I also remember to be thankful. Because I believe that my frustrations this weekend are the Universe's way of telling me that I need to stay on track. I have faith that I am going in the right direction with my away-from-work life. (yes, even with Cowboy) I have faith that the right home will be available at the right price, and that the job situation will be solved. The one I have came along to get me into a situation where I could buy a home and make something of my soap. It took me in a new direction completely, but it doesn't have to be permenant. I can't just sit back and let these things happen though, that's not how the world works. This weekend was a kick in my butt to get me moving when I was tempted to stop. For that I am greatful

I havve decided

That I need a drum carder. (this is a gaget that will make my wool processing easier)

I am fortunate to have been gifted with many, many pounds of unprocessed Alpaca fiber. Soft, luxurious, warm, Alpaca. It is pretty clean but not ready for spinning. I can card a couple of ounces each night before I start to get blisters on my hands. It will cost at least $10 per pound to have everything processed by a mill. I am also exploring the idea of trading fiber for drum carder time with a local spinner who has one. As soon as I find one.

So, I have decided that I need one. They are really expensive. (for me) This isn't a "need" as much as a home is a need so I will NOT dip into savings for it and I certainly WILL NOT use my credit card. That is, after all, how I ended up in debt in the first place. Instead, I will be doing what I did when I started saving for my car. I'll be collecting loose change in a can. (yeah, I walked into the car dealership with my can-o-two thousand dollars. I am ca-lassy!) You know, whatever is in my wallet or comes in "extra" goes into the can. I wanted to create a widget on my blog so you can follow along with me (this is a tool that helps keep me on track. otherwise I forget what I am doing. I have to make up "games" to keep me focused. You would be amazed at how I have learned to cope with the way my brain works this way) but I ran into the same old issue. I couldn't find one existing, and I don't know how to make one.

If I understood HTML, if my brain didn't shut off every time the term came into play (I once checked a book out from the library to learn it but couldn't get past the first couple of pages. HTML for kids? nope. I'm just not language savy) I would be making my lovely widget right now instead of just talking about it. I would also have made my website beautiful by now instead of fucking around with widgets.

Current savings: $19.05 and 9 balls of felted wool. I think I am going to go couch digging. because right now I am 4/10 of the way there and I am feeling really optimistic!

I'm going to go play with Excel to make myself a graph. Graphing on Excel is fun.

Blessings

Upon Jestertunes who distractedme from my pissedoffedness with fun starry goodness. I didn't solve all the puzzles, but this time, there was a more important goal. sadly, I think Clint is here for the night.

Dear Clint

Won't you please go now?

You come to my house. You feed Poo beer. He drinks enough on his own. tonight you brought TWO twelve packs and a fifth of Jack. Poo. I think, he had been planning on a quiet evening with his wood carving. I really wanted to play with my spinning wheel and maybe my new ball winder and swift combo (thank you Nana and Grandpa!) and was a little dissapointed when I realized that I had my Bad Girls of Craft meeting tonight. Until you showed up. Then I was glad.

I don't like not liking you. Especially when you tell me what a quality person I am. And since I went strait to my room when I got home, you entered my bedroom to do it.

This is my space. It's all I have to call "mine". I don't allow people in my room, usually. BR comes in. I don't really mind. He doesn't stick around. he doesn't take up space. But I didn't really want you in here. You don't know that. One would hope that the 40 pounds of alpaca fiber blocking my door would have stopped you.

It's 10 pm. And I want to go to bed now. Not because I am tired. Not because I don't have other things I want to do, not because I wouldn't rather be out in the common area crafting. Because I don't want to hang out with you.

times like this, I wish cowboy and I had a spend the night kind of relationship. that I could have called him while I was out and gone over there instead of comeing home and dealing with drunkiness.

Instead, the TV is loud, the trash is overflowing, someone burned the popcorn, and I am trapped in my room.

Befriend the girl holding her pointy things

I never knew that knitting would make me so many friends. Apparently, there is something soothing about a woman and her yarn. And 12 inch metal sticks with semi sharp points on the end.

You see, knitting needles are legal on airplanes. And THANK GOODNESS for that because I don't know what I would do with myself otherwise. Especially on return trips when I have finished both the books I took with me. On the way there, I had nice conversations with a woman while we waiting for our flight. Then I made friends with another woman on the way. Within 5 minutes, she gave me her business card with her personal number on it. She would like to accompany me on my explorations of the great state of Nevada.

Then, on the way home, I got another phone number but since this one was from someone I already know, it doesn't really count. Honestly, if ever we should meet, part, and then meet again, don't be angry if I don't recognize you. My brain is so filled with useless information (did I mention that Santa farts pepperminty? speaking of farts, someone was farting on the plane on the way home and it wasn't me. I think I was having premonitions because all I could think about on the way to SD was what happens when someone has gas on the plane) that I can't remember important things like what people look like even if I have met them several times. ANYWAY, the lady next to me chatted me up all the way home, which was cool because she was nice. She did not give me her phone number. I'm okay with that.

Writing this, I am wondering if they befriended the girl with the pointy objects because who better to know if a terrorist takes over than the person on the plane with sharp pointy objects? after all my scissors could prick a finger. I feel so used. But in a cool superhero sort of way. It appears that I would have knitting needles hanging out of my utility belt. and um, yarn cuffs, yeah.

I think I am going to have to revise my superhero outfit. thankfully, my new utility belt does not get in the way of my kung fu hair and vice grip thighs.

Crap. I just totally lost my train of though while trying to find the superhero posts then link to them. fuck it. goodnight.

Thursday

I decided not to go to the work party. There are several reasons for this.

My friend Vicki is not going. Which means I would not have anyone to play with. I don't do well in social situations without someone to cling to and Flo and I just aren't that close.

This saved me from having to buy a new dress. Saving money is a good thing, especially since I plan to contact a realtor after the new year.

I need to pack

Before I pack, I need to do laundry.



So, I'm prying my shoes off my feet when Cowboy calls. Chat chat, bitch about work, chat, ok bye. We'll talk again after I get back, and no, I didn't ask if he didn't want company tonight. Generally, I would, but I am feeling stubborn and if he wasn't offerin, neither was I. But it was nice to hear that he had not pulled a fade away, and perhaps things will be back to "normal" when I return. It's like I told Vicki, I go through this about once a month. So roll your eyes and I will update you if anything changes.


In happier news, I FINALLY updated my links. There are so many blogs that I read every day and I just wasn't getting around to linking to them even though some of them have links to me (ahem, puntabulous) so there they are. It's about damn time.

This, that, and another thing

I'm really looking forward to flying South for the Winter (holiday).

Last night I was smart enough to pull Jack off my window before I rolled it down to get money from the bank. When I rolled it down to order El Pollo Loco, I forgot again. The stick and cup is now lost somewhere in door land. Jack is now rolling around in my car. I'm sure I will find him several years from now and I will have a good laugh.

Work is pissing me off a lot lately. I have been venting onto Twitter. it's fun because I can't blog from work, but I can text Twitter!

I have been out dress shopping for something to wear to my work party tomorrow. The current fashion is not flattering on me as usual. Reno does not have any good clothing stores, and I have champagne taste. Since I have not purchased a dress, I went down to the garage to see if there might be something near the door (I have many, lovely, flattering gowns that I would be thrilled to wear. If I could get to them...) I didn't find a dress, but I did find my pin nailer and a few other things I have been wanting. I have to agree with my mom on this, when I do finally unpack, it's gonna be like Christmas.

Speaking of the Holiday party tomorrow, I really wanted to ask Cowboy if he would escort me. There are three reasons for this. I like his company, I'd like to have a date, and perhaps if I show up with a date, it would help dispell that lingering rumor that I am Poo's girlfriend/mistress, whatever. I admit, I forgot to ask last week like I intended. I called Monday with the usual "seein whatcha doin" message. I never heard back. Perhaps he is busy. perhaps out of town. perhaps he really did pull a fade away, something I had hoped he was above. Thing is, I go through this every couple of weeks. things are great, then he falls off for a day or two and I convince myself it's over. Then he calls again. And that is how it's been. I don't talk about it because I know that you all have opinions on the subject and honestly, there's nothing you can say in any way shape or form, from any direction that I have not said to myself. And the beat goes on. So tomorrow? I will be attending my company party on my own. I'll be sure to post pictures in my gown because I plan to look fantastic. I'll sweep (ahem...trip) into the room with my head held high and smiling and I will have a great time with my coworkers.

Clint showed up the other night. All full of "I missed you"s and bearing stuffed animal gifts. I tried to be gracious. I did not wipe my cheek when ke kissed it though I dearly wanted to. He stayed for several beers. I didn't really have much to say. I don't really know what to to with the bear (I will likely donate it) since I'm not really a stuffed animal kind of girl. Drunk Monkey is not a stuffed animal, and anything else I have has sentimental stories. (Like the dog I bought my grandmother while she was in the hospital to keep her company) It was a nice gift, but the part of me that is still angry because he disspointed me so much doesn't want it. I know I should be forgiving, but generally, when I decide I'd rather not see someone again, I mean it. So when they wander back into my life, it's difficult for me to accept them back because they are out of my head.

Why don't I decide I never want to see Cowboy again? I don't really know. I like him as a person and I enjoy his company. It's actually rare that I don't want to keep someone around. It's not like we bicker all the time like Biker Bob and I did, I just know that he's a bit here-today-gone-tomorrow. I just realized that perhaps I was nervous about making plans with him because they rarely go through. He might be feeling poorly, or something comes up. All our outings are always spur of the moment. And asking him to the party would have meant plans. Plans that might have been cancelled. Leaving me devestated because in my head I had a date and in reality, I didn't. Better to go alone, then. I rarely dissapoint myself and I sure know how to show me a good time!

Christmas memories

So frequently, the stories I tell of my childhood (though rarely here, as this seems to be more of a running commentary on the wackiness now, instead of the wackiness then) are filled with the kind of ugliness that I hope I would never visit upon my children. Don't get me wrong, I was blessed in so many ways, but it wasn't always pretty.

So, I'm watching a comercial for Walgreens tonight, and there are two children searching the house for their Christmas gifts. Seeing only Walgreens bags, they go away without finding them.

I remembered suddenly, that I never peeked. I believed my parents when they told us that they would know. That the presents were boobie trapped in such a way that they would see any tampering. That if we peeked, there would be no presents. Since I knew that my parents were older and smarter than I, (I was not yet a teenager) I believed them.

I cannot vouch for my siblings, but I was always surprised and delighted on Christmas morning to find that my parents had provided gifts that I had either asked for, or never knew I wanted. The electric train when I was 10 (I JUST gave that to my nephew. I hope they were able to get it working) that I wanted so badly (my flute teacher made fun of me for wanting it. I never understood why a girl couldn't have an electric train) The new Bike. A skateboard.

It must have been thrilling for my parents when they saw me surprised, to know I still believed they were smarter, and to know that in this one thing, I was obediant. They always made sure that the wrapped gifts were interesting enough to keep us guessing for weeks.

I'm looking forward again this year to the excitement of shaking presents. My mom is the queen of adding nuts, bells, rocks, and cans of soup to throw us off. Some things, as always, are obvious. Books (but which one???) Pillows. The unmistakable slide of clothes in a box.

For me, Christmas isn't about the birth of Christ. It's about spending time with my family and friends. It's about anticipating their delight in gifts I choose carefully. About being tipsy before noon, eating See's candy for breakfast, and taking a nap under the spell of Bing Crosby. My mom's roast beast and my sisters' smiles. Harassing my brother and the cat.

I know that these special feelings were planted carefully and fostered by my parents. With every threat, they were teaching us the joy of anticipation. With every set of flannel pajamas, the delight of a simple gift. And each Christmas, I felt loved and special. There's no greater blessing than that.

HNT-Am I nuts?

I've posted pictures of my boobs, up close. I've posted pictures of me in my bikini. Pictures of all sorts of HNT me. So why does this one make me nervous? (I see London, I see France...) Maybe it's the knee socks. They're provocative...

Your Karaoke Theme Song is "Baby Got Back"

You're a total show off who is willing to risk looking like a fool to get a few laughs. In fact, you'll go for the cheap laugh if you need to... because it's better than no reaction! Your friends can count on you to get a party started, and you'll party hard until you can't remember their names. You're charismatic, charming, and a total character. With or without a few drinks in you. You might also sing: "I Touch Myself," "Oops I Did it Again," or "My Humps" Stay away from people who sing: "Candle in the Wind"

What's Your Karaoke Theme Song?

Serious points to the person who can guess which of these Karaoke blockbusters I HAVE sung. Yes I was drunk, no I don't have a recording, but I sure wish I did!

I'm a dork.

Remember the Jack antenna ball? Did I mention I have one? Did I mention that I tried to stick it to my forehead? and no Seester, there were no unfortunate marks like that one time. (in hindsight that's a hilarious and classic story)

So, it didn't stick to my forhead. but I was noticing on the commercial the other day that the little stick was bent. So I bent mine and stuck it to the window where jack could talk to me while I drive. Shut up, he talks to me. Said something just this morning, but I forgot what it was. Oh wait, He said I should turn his head so he could look out the window. But I was driving and then I forgot.

Then, today, I forgot he was there. and I rolled down the window to use my gate key. I managed to save jack because his head is too big to fit in the window slot. But the suction cup is now wedged in the door jam window slot. And it's snowing.

Revelation

That people seem to forgo the acceptance of an individual in order to gain the acceptance of the group. I know it is human nature and part of the need to belong to your village, to not alienate the herd, but I must remind myself not to do this to MY friends.
Not that I have a herd. Never really have. They tend to turn me out too. And I've learned to live without them. I would rather be loved by a few than tolerated by many.

Accomplished!

I made a hat! it is not wonky! Now I will make another one that actually follows the pattern. heh.

PS Daddy got a job. I am so very pleased.

Bits and pieces

It's snowing, in case you haven't been keeping up with me on Twitter (which is the coolest thing since cookie scoops and stoneware.) Right now, two days into the storm, I love it. I saw real snowflakes today. They looked just like I always thought they should. Tiny and perfect little ice crystal formations. previously, all the snow I have seen has either looked like styrofoam balls or just chunks of icy stuff. Today? perfect crystals. gorgeous.

Meanwhile, I laid down in said snow and tried to make an snow angel, but it was too icy and I just got wet. Which was funny in and of itself.

I've been knitting like crazy. But I don't follow patterns very well. This might be one funky hat.

I had more to say but I have forgotten what it was.

Yarn Porn

In the comments section of my last post, Rick suggested that I start posting my art. I explained why I don't, and promised pictures. so here are a couple of yarns I have spun (and some roving I dyed) that I am particularly proud of.

I dyed this with easter egg dyes. The yarn came out lovely but I didn't take a picture. Sadly, the dye was not sun-proof.


Kool-Aide makes a damn fine yarn dye.

And there you have it. The reason I don't post my art.

like lead, really.

Something has been weighing heavily on my heart. Well, several things, actually, but I don't share everything. Public forum, you know.

Several posts ago, I was upset. I was venting. I was ranting a bit.

Because I do not want to be a hunter. (My fervor over this is something to be discussed at a later date) But that isn't what is bothering me.

Here's the thing.

Growing up, art was considered something wonderful. To be an artist was one of the greatest joys and compliments. It meant that you saw the world in a way that is both different and beautiful. It was not about painting so much as it was an open minded philosophy.

Now, I live with a person for whom the word artist is almost an insult. To him it means that you are flighty. Good for little more than decorating. Concerned about little more than flowers. One without logic.

I have allowed this thought process to poison me against who I really am. To the point that I denied something about myself that I once fought so hard to have recognized by someone I respect as an artist. For this I am ashamed.

I allowed someone to make me feel bad about what and who I am because it doesn't fit into his view of how people should act, behave, think. And although I respect this person in so many ways, he doesn't always act the way I think people should, but I try to accept that of him. It's not up to me to try and make a change.

It IS up to me to hold onto the things that I believe to be true. And Artist, as a label, IS NOT an insult. It means you see beauty in the world. It means that you make an effort to add to it whether by painting and drawing or creating an intricate hair braid. It means that you make a concious effort to affect the emotions of yourself and others. It means whatever you think it means too.

I feel so much better.

I vant one! I vant one!

https://www.mysharpie.com/sanford/consumer/sharpie/personalizesharpie/personalize.jhtml

Might be the coolest thing since personalized m&ms. Of course, I can never decide what I want to say when it comes to personalizing things (I really need to write that stuff down, because I can be unexpectedly brilliant and witty sometimes. In my head) so I didn't order any.

and now, off to the shower. I am gym-stinky. and hungry. but shower first.

No title, just funny

So, I'm watchin TV, and a Jack In The Box commercial comes on.

Every year, JITB issues a holiday themed antenna ball.

This year, the ball comes with a suction cup in case you don't have an antenna. At the end of the commercial, the following message appeared on the screen: (or something very much like it. it was very tiny writing. I may have to edit...)

"Do not drive with balls stuck to your face"

heh.

edit:
"Do not drive with ball stuck to your face"

I was close enough.

Catch up

The strangest thing happened when I moved.

I became lazy (er). Haven't gotten a home. took months t get a licence. Those curtains I have been meaning to sew since June? got sent, yesterday. Let's not talk abut the thank you cards that weigh on my mind every day but for some reason? I just can't get arount to them.

Today though, I got my insurance switched over. And last week I renewed my business insurance. Those curtains (obviously) are done. can it be that I'm finally getting back on track?

Let's hope so. I still have a long to do list. But I feel optimistic.

Happy HNT!

Turkey Coma edition

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. Mine was good. I missed my family. I think I will always regret not finding a way "home" for the holidays. Lesson learned.

Count to ten

I consider that one of the privilages of being an adult is that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do (you know, aside from working and paying bills, which, techically, I don't have to do, but I like how life is when I do those things). I realize that tthis might change if I should get married, but I like to pretend that there's a compromise in there somewhere. When you're a kid, there's no compromise, you have to do what your adults tell you. I've reached the ripe old age of 30. If I say I don't want to, I DON'T WANT TO.

I think I don't have to say, (even though I am going to) that trying to convince me to do something I DON'T WANT TO DO will piss me off pretty quickly. Especially when that something is something I feel in my soul that I should avoid.

So tonight, when the boys were talking about how they were going to go hunting and such, I just sat quietly with my knitting and let them discuss this sport which doesn't interest me. I do the same when they talk about fishing.

The attention turned to me.

"So Gina, are you going to come out Hunting with us?"

I politely declined. I reminded him that I don't even like to squish spiders. I reminded him that I also do not fish. I mentioned that since there are grocery stores and men who like to hunt, I don't need to.

The tirade began. And I got angrier and angrier. Apparently, I am just like my mother. And he can't figure out how people like me survived since hunting is not in my artist genes. (Sure it is, says I, My father likes to hunt and kill bunnies and skin them and such) Apparently, although my family (hit piss off button #2...) claims to be open minded, we aren't. We're just a bunch of artists (in his language, artist=useless) I finally yelled. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HUNT.

I turned to BR. "I'll bitch. all day long. it'll be miserable. don't think I won't. It'll be awful"

thankfully, BR distracted him and they wandered off.

Now, let me get something clear.

I will tell you that I TRY to be open minded. I am a craftsman not an artist. Yes, I have some artistic ability. But I am much better apreciating art and putting things together. Somethimes, those things are beautiful. Then I am an artist AND a craftsman. And, then I realized that he was pushing my buttons. (note piss off button #3)

I thanked BR later, for distracting him. But I am still angry. Sure, I'll be fine tomorrow. But until then, I just don't understand why people won't take no for an answer. At the moment, I can't remember a time when I was forced to do something and I liked it. Not the male strippers, not the movie "Lost in Space". (i didn't DO the strippers, I SAW them. and, eew.) I think that if someone doesn't want to do something, you should respect them enough to accept that. It might dissapoint you that they don't want to share that experience with you, but I can't imagine forcing someone to do something they are uncomfortable with. Everyone is different. That's what makes life so great. If we want to go back to prehistoric times, you had the hunters, and you had the gatherers. I am a gatherer. Hey, that explains all the random crap in my room!

He could indeed see

After a very slow morning, it came time for me to embark on my date. And while I found him to be very nice and attractive too, I think his wife also finds him nice and attractive.

Turns out that it was a friendly type date (I had a good laugh at myself later) and while I would like to keep him, I would like to keep him platonically. You know, like go hang out with his wife and kid and horses and goats and all that. It's always good to have new friends. And based on how comfortable lunch was, I think we can have a lovely friendship.

I don't think he's actually blind...

I recieved a phone call the ther day from a mystery man who knew my name. My whole name. Spelling, pronunciation. he called me at work.

I thought it might be a sales call, a contractor trying to drum up some work or get his foot in the door.

When I called him back he told me that he had been meaning to call me for several weeks. (o-kay...)

Then he said the magic word. JR. I met JR 8 or 9 years ago when he applied for a job at my last casino. I made his travel arrangements and although he didn't get the position, and I didn't remain long in that department, we stayed in touch. He has kept me supplied with pictures and updates on his children and world tours, I have kept him updated on the "wild" life I lead. The G rated version, of course.

I had forgotten that JR was going to have his friend from the other office take me out to lunch sometime.

So I have a lunch date tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, and a lot giggling about it because this fellow could be 40, or he could be 18. I have no idea. Well, that and his office is on Kit Kat Rd. You know, like the Kit Kat Ranch? Hee. Anyway, I will be certain to update you all on how it goes.

What about Cowboy, you ask? Things are the same there. We are not and never have been exclusive. I like him. I would like something more structured, but he's not ready for that, and as long as he's going to date other people, I don't see why I shouldn't too. I haven't, but that's because no one has asked. And no, I don't plan to use this as a way to scare him into commit. We are both too smart for that. He may never know about my date tomorrow. Or, this fellow could be Mr Right. Gotta keep an open mind and heart, right?

Names have been changed to protect the hilarious

Heard at my house about 2 minutes ago:

"Poo? Poo."

"Yeah?"

"The Barbeque is on fire"

""shit."

I think the steaks are still edible.

I really don't think I should feel guilty

Actually I'm a little pissed. I may be overreacting (in my head of course. I generally don't overreact in public)

After work today, I went down to the nearest post office to mail something to my seester. I chose that one over the one closer to my house because it's next door to the craft store and I needed longer knitting needles for a project. (I have that gauge and length...in storage) It was either Ben Franklin, or Wal Mart and Wally World rarely has the needles I want when I need them.

Anywho, que me, walking to the front of the store. Young couple sitting there. He says to me, "Can you spare some change? We're freezing and need to get on the bus." as soon as he said change, I told them that I didn't have any cash on me, that I was very sorry. And it was likely true. I don't generally have any cash on me. Someimes I have a little change, sometimes a couple of dollars, but I wasn't going to start rummaging and plus, it's better that I don't give my last few bucks away, I might need it. Remember the time I lent my step brother all my cash and he used it to take his girlfriend to the movies?

So, I could tell he was getting a little angry, because at this point she stopped him from saying anything else. I wished them well as I moved along. I realize how I appear to those who don't know me.

I'm a clacker. for those of you who have not seen "The Devil Wears Prada" you can hear me from a mile away on account of my heels. And I have elephant feet. They aren't fat, just loud. I wear suits to work. I try to appear as though I am a successful individual. Mary Kay Ash said, "fake it till you make it" and damned if I don't try to dress the part.

What they didn't understand is that I work 40 hours a week. I buy my nylons in bulk at Wal Mart and my suit was $60 at Sears. Two years ago. I do make good money but the bulk of that goes to my credit card bill. (and knitting needles). I might have a mortgage and kids to feed, for all they know.

Perhaps I am prejudging them as they were prejudging me. But I get upset when people panhandle then get mad when I say no. Hell, I'm so tight I don't like to give my father money. And I tend to think that out of two people, one should be able to work. Which means you don't have time to sit in front of the mall and ask for money to ride the bus.

(quick check of the purse found me $6.40)

I might be a bitch. I may find myself panhandling some day for being stingy. Maybe they simply were not able or were trapped without cash. Who knows? But I still don't think I deserved anger. Actually I was a little scared that he would bash my windshield or key my car.

Regardless, they were gone when I came out.

Sneaking Suspicion

It could be a stinking suspicion, but I don't think so. (beware, this post follows my train of thought almost exactly. My thoughts are not linear. I smell cloves. oh, it's my new coriander candle.)

I'm sure you all remember the part of the story where I got my battery changed and lost my radio privilages. If I weren't so cheap, I mean, frugal, I would have bought myself an Ipod by now and been happily rockin out. (I have been told that the Ipod is the only option my snobbish Mac will talk to and, no, I'm not going back, I am also a snob. we get along well)

I was shopping for said Ipod, and bitching silently about the price of technology and oh my how I can't believe people actually pay this much money for this stuf (ahem, forgetting how much I spend on fabric, wool, and other crafty goodies)

NEWS FLASH!! THIS JUST IN!!!

www.bubblycreations.com is up and running, or, at least it will be when I go set it all up again. WHEEE! Now I need a business licence! (sheesh)

The girl at the store suggested that I go to Honda.com and try to get the information there. I gave her the "Don't you think I have tried that??" look and um, went home and tried it.

I didn't have my VIN available. Happened accross it today when I was looking for my tape measure (the fabric one, if you're wondering) (also, boylin black cherry soda is marvelous). The web site said that the code should be in my glove box on a card.

Since you all know me so well, you know that once something goes in my car, it never comes out. So I went down stairs and thought to have another look-see. As I was flipping through my owner's manual (again) an image popped into my head of a sticker that peeled out of my glove box forever ago. Said sticker had numbers on it. I thought about throwing it away numerous times but thought it might be something important. or one of those "inspected by" stickers. That sticker had been floating around my car so long, I knew it must be lost forever.

I found it within seconds on the floorboards. it was about an inch wide and a quarter inch in height. How I found it so quickly among the gum wrappers and gas reciepts might be a modern miracle. Someone might want to call the Pope. (or, you know, whatever you do when there has been a miracle.)

The numbers had distinct possibility as none of them were higher than 5. (I have six buttons)

I have radio and CDs again.

On one hand, I'm thrilled. On the other, the answer was under my feet all along.

thank goodness I didn't buy an Ipod. I didn't need one.

Progress?

I learned today that I did not get all the possible white trash genes I could possibly have gotten from my ancestors, some of whom have lived in trailers. Why, you ask? I cannot fry. I try to fry. I attempt the action. I can saute. I can bake you just about anything you can come up with, especially if it is spelled with a dessert. I can steam, I can boil. I cannot fry. I can't even make a decent pancake. really. Scrambled eggs? ok. fried potatoes? yeah, they were pretty crunchy. My grandmother is rolling over in her grave. The dead one. She? fried everything. and no, she was NOT white trash. But she did once make beer in her bathtub.

I have discovered my inner coke head. Yes, I have a problem. I like coke. I have some coke every day. I was never into coke. I didn't like how it made my teeth feel. For some reason, I now buy and consume large quantities of it. here is a picture...



It's so strange because I have tended to be a root beer or a sprite girl. I have been hding behind my new addiction by telling myself that it's Cherry Coke ZERO which means it's good for me and ok to drink after the gym, right?

Speaking of the gym, except for today, I'm liking my results.

I tried to keep it positive

And not say anything negative about my last attempt at the following...

Hi!

Once upon about a year ago, I was training to be a S- D- D- D-. then I sprained my ankle. By the time I had healed, it was time to move to Reno! Now I find myself with an itch to get back into derby, (and maybe actually make the team one day...) but my skates are still packed and I don't have health insurance yet. (three months till coverage. I wouldn't mind buying new skates. mine suck)

Will you let me work my ass off for you until I can skate, and then work my ass off some more?


The difference? This team actively askes for volunteers.

I hope it's not a sign of things to come

I would like you all to know that I left the house with two differenet shoes on this morning.

Happy HNT-New Underwear edition

If you have been reading this blog for any reasonable amount of time you know that I can't bear shopping for clothes. Unless of course, it's formal gowns, in which case it's better that you get me out of the store right now. You also know that my boobs are a subject I can talk about all day.

I bought my last batch of bras about 6 months ago. Might be 8 I'm not sure. I can only find bras that fit at Vicky's. That means they are expensive. And since they like to make the kind you can't wash in the machine, and since my boobs keep growing, those damn things were obsolete within a couple of months.

I finally went shopping, after weeks of living in sports bras. I tried Macy*s. The bras didn't fit, but I discovered corsets! on sale! And what do you know, they were comfortable! Like the chi chis were floating! I bought one in every color. And I headed to Vicky's for standbys. (found some I can wash)

I couldn't wait to wear my new underwear. It was going to be fantastic. Fan-frickin-tastic. Until I put my work clothes on. And discovered that they just don't look right over a corset.

Now I have lots of pretty underclothes and nothing to wear over them.

I just can't win.

Have you ever...

Updated your resume and realized that you don't like what you have been doing for the last several years?

Looked in the help wanted ads and thought that you weren't qualified for anything?

Felt stuck?

Been willing to take a 50% paycut if needed to feel some sort of job satisfaction?

Realized that if you do take 50% you'll never be able to live on your own...

Part of that sounds like a commercial. I wish it was.

Part of me realized that I am in a unique situation right now. That I could feasably go anywhere with my life (Colorado is sounding a little bit cool right now). That feels a little freeing. But what I think I want is to settle in somewhere and run my own business. Soap, Girl Friday, Yarn Maven, whatever satisfies my need to be successful, even if that means that I get up every morning looking forward to my day. And I come home every evening feeling the joy of a job well done. Comfortable money would be nice, but I don't need to be rich.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit chewed up. And scared. I want to move along, but the last time I got a job on my own I was 19. And I lied on my resume. I told them I had some college when I had none. I don't think that is something to be proud of, but I had been unemployed for two months and my resources had dried up.

My resume is all truth now. All truth and casinos. I don't want to work in another casino. I decided the other day that someting about making a living off of gambling sucks the life out of you. I have developed wrinkles, see?



Life sucking madness. Yesterday they were practically crevasses.

I don't know how to go about this whole job search thing. I look online, I don't like what I see. The simple jobs want someone who types 60 wpm. At my peak, I was at 35 wpm. I'm a hunter and a pecker...er, not a pecker, a peckist. I can learn to do almost anything, I am a good worker. I just need the tools and support to be successful. I'm afraid to post my resume. afraid my current employer will find it. Poo knows I am looking. Somedays, I think I can rise to this challenge. Today we are barely speaking. That hurts. It may not be me, I could just be sensitive. He's got a lot of stress. More every day. Yesterday I wanted to walk out. Today V almost did.

I just needed to vent.

ps, apparently I have SOME photoshop skills. But I think Perez Hilton has the monopoly on decorating pictures with squiggly white lines.

I have been strangely quiet

Not in general, just here, about the fires that so recently raged (are raging) though my homeland.

Thing is, I had mixed emotions about it. On one hand, I was scared. Scared for my family, scared for my friends, scared for the strangers I may never know. My old workplace was shut down again and finally reopened this weekend. Once again, the fire knocked on my mother's, my cousin's, and the doors of my friends. (C's family was evacuated. They are back safe in their homes.) I started watching the news and making phone calls. I was in almost constant contact with my mom. Now that almost everyone is back in thier homes if they have one, the damage is as follows (so far as I know) My Aunt Dorothy lost her home and the bus she raised her children in. (I'm not really sure how to explain that one except that I come from an interesting family and that bus was pretty nice inside!) She and her kids are fine and they are taking care of her. Bossman lost his trailer-apartment. This one breaks my heart because Bossman lost his job and his home all in one year. Right now he has no job and has laid carpet in his daughter's garage so that he has a place to live. (Thankfully the fire didn't burn her home too since he was living on her property) I have not figured out how to reach out to him, but my heart is sobbing. I have a few ideas.

I feel a little guilty. Because I moved out just in time and I am thankful I didn't have to go through that again. I'm thankful that the smell of smoke is not trapped in my sinuses. Thankful that I didn't have to find somewhere to go while I wondered if I would have a home or a job. (I voluntarily evacuated last time when I could see the flames from my front porch and my electricity went out) But I haven't forgotten what it was like to wake up at 10 am (we had been partying on the Star of India and stayed over night downtown) and look to the East and realize that my neighborhood was burning. I look at the scorched hills surrouding my new home and know I will experience it again.

I feel guilty because...No. I won't write that. Because I don't really wish it. Not that way.

And I am angry. angry that once again, they showed the damage in the affluent communities, but ignored what was going on in the rest of the county. Other than the mentioning of the fires in Ramona, cameras were trained on Rancho Bernardo. in fact, that was all I could see when I watched CNN. Thank goodness the local channels kept their websites updated.

In happier news, I had a lovely time with Cowboy yesterday. Buzz pointed out that he thought I was done with all that madness. And there were moments over the last several weeks when I was going crazy. But while I am still a little crazy, when I weighed the option of giving up on someone whose company I enjoy, whose conversation I enjoy, I thought maybe I should keep being patient. Take my mom's advice and don't get my heart hurt, but be patient and see what happens. He's been very (sometimes painfully) honest with me. And he doesn't always do what I want him to do. But I am also learning to trust him a little. In some ways he is helping me heal old wounds by behaving the way he does. I'm taking it one day at a time. and if I decide I am done, you'll get a definitive "done". But right now, I'm feeling good about where things are. I try not to rant too much about him or about work. I don't want to say anything that could be hurtful or bite me in the butt later. I care about Cowboy and wouldn't want to see him hurt by one of my occational temper tantrums. But don't worry, I'm watching my 6.

I am a material girl

I think I am allergic to Nevada. No matter how much lotion I slather on (twice a day) I itch. itch, itch, itch. (The Itchy and Scratchy SHOW!!!) Add that to the fact that I am STILL allergic to my pants, and we have a little problem.

See, I thought it was a laundry detergent issue. but I wore those pants yesterday and not only did I get a rash all over the back of my legs, but a few blisters too. the pants in question are 98% cotton, 2% spandex. Which means if it is a matter of the spandex, then I am likely allergic to most of my clothes.

I am considering retiring early to a nudist colony. Somewhere humid.

Meanwhile, today my day centered around Cowboy's roping festivities. It was a nice break from my usual, and I got to sit and knit until my butt fell asleep. I learned a lot about the sport and have decided that while I really enjoy the company of horses, I would probably get tangled up in my rope and fall off my horse. So I will leave the team roping to the cowboy. Oh and the cattle? looked really cute in their little cow hats. (the cow hats keep the steer from getting rope burns on their heads) Sadly, there weren't any monkeys riding sheep dogs (since I don't know how to link to it, clik on the link over there labelled "Dr Musings" and see the Oct 22 entry. shut up, that is NOT too much work) but there were plenty of bad home decorating options. and since Mary Kay was there, I think Bubbly Creations needs to have a booth there too.

You know, when I have a home and am licenced again.

I didn't actually get to spend very much time with Cowboy, but he WAS terribly busy tending to his horse (I've learned not to expect too much attentionon roping days. Actually, I've learned not to expect too much attention). however he wants to see me tomorrow, which would make two days in a row and a minor record.

Bedtime revelations

So, after checking out the houses on the internet last night (because if you think the people in NV are a little off, you should see their houses) I crawled into bed, ready for a good sleep.

I couldn't get warm. I just shivered. Heck, my KNEES were cold. I started thinking about all the warm blankets (and my down comforter) that are currently keeping my dishes and china nice and cozy warm in the garage. I started wishing I had put away my clothes because the pile on my bed is too high to snuggle under without the clothes falling off the bed. I started brainstorming ways in which I could warm up.

Then, the light went on. (not literally)

I bet if I put on some pajamas, I would be warmer.

Suddenly, I was very glad that I did not put my clothes away because I didn't even have to get out of bed to get a pair. Nope, after much feeling around and careful digging, I discovered my FLEECE pajamas all clean and slightly warm from soaking up my body heat.

I was warm and asleep in minutes.

No title.

Just shake your head. sigh.

Oddball

I have been planning for weeks to go out and about with my coworker tomorrow to get a little spooky up in Virginia City and the surrounding areas. I have been quite excited about it, partially because we all know I'm into the spooky shit, and partially because this coworker is one of the few that I feel like I have befriended in an away-from-work kind of way.

She called me tonight. Husband drama. Trip might be cancelled.

Add that to the Cowboy who still doesn't call when he says he will call (about which I am becoming increasingly unaffected) with whom I was supposed to possibly see this weekend, (but I don't expect too because he just doesn't seem to have time to see me, even though he says he wants to, until he tends to everyone else) and I find that I may actually have time to laze around and ponder this situation I find myself in.

I'm sure you will all be thrilled when I declare myself done with the cowboy nonsense. I had forgotten what it is like to be treated as an afterthought. Honestly, after talking to him the other day, and having him tell me about how he's going through a selfish phase (which I really do understand. It's normal, for goodness sake), I realized that even if he's going through a selfish phase, it doesn't give him reign to keep me dangling about and there is no excuse for hurting me, even in the name of honesty.

I often feel like an alien in this town of broken promises. But I'm going to make it, it just might have to be alone.

So here I am. The boys have gone off to the pub, which means I have the night to myself and I? am going to bed on this fine rain drenched Friday night.

You asked for it

So, I was half watching the news yesterday while I was eating lunch and I couldn't help but notice all the hulabaloo about "THE SUPER BUG"

Yes, it is now national news that THE SUPER BUG is killing people left and right. They are catching it at school and in hospitals and in very public places. Apparently, THE SUPER BUG is a danger to us all. Worse, even, than Avian Flu.

Here's the thing. Put away your fucking hand sanitizer and let yourself get a little dirty.

All these anti bacterial marvels are causing the death of good bacteria and the mutation of bad bacteria. Mutants=hard to kill/no natrual protections. And since good bacteria sometimes fight bad bacteria, and we killed a bunch of those, we've pretty much fucked ourselves with our germ phobic society.

Here's a hint. Regular soap and warm water.

That's all. no fancy chemicals, no alchohol based smellies, just soap and warm water and you'll stay just as healthy. and so will your kids and pets. Guess what? we're exposed to nastiness like E Coli every day. We can't help it. People are dirty. However, we have adapted the abiity to fight this stuff natrually. You are breathing in Staph, Strep, and all sorts of gross stuff right now. Your body? made to fight it, so unless you have a depressed immune system, you don't need to try to create a germ free bubble. In fact, you don't want to. Cuz you can't get rid of them all. And when the alchohol in your sanitizer strips away the protective barriers of your skin? You leave yourself succeptible to whatever didn't die. When you touch your kid? you leave a trail of those multiplying bacterias behind. And the nightmare begins.

You are the problem. Put that shit away before you help kill someone else.

Happy HNT!

something's up

When BR and I went to the store, we left Poo giggling.

When we returned, he was on the phone with someone, just hanging up, and saying, "keep me posted". he then retired to his room.

BR Peeked. It appears that the last person he talked to was my mom.

Now, I was supposed to call my mother tonight, and I was going to until I got sidetracked with a sudden trip to the grocery. So I called her now. No answer at home. no answer on cell.

I tried again. Poo has just left to go drinking for a little while. Seester is also not answering.

Something bad is going on. I am worried and scared. I needed to get it out.

It's not working.



Edit Later:

So, I'm a little bit of an alarmist. After calling my Brother in Law because I couldn't get a hold of my sister, I learned that not only was I interrupting his poker game, but that Seester was on a plane on her way to New York to visit his family.

Then I finally reached my mom on her home phone, and she was ok; her cell phone had run out of battery.

So the drama wasn't with her or my grandparents who, are a semi constant source of worry because I know my time with them is limited and they are the only other persons in my family for whom I think Poo would get that upset.

She gave me a light briefing on what was going on but didn't want to tell too much, as it is Poo's story to tell. Poo returned from the bar frozen solid. He didn't realize that it was 40 degrees outside with 10 mile an hour gusts and a high wind advisory. Mind you, the wind is coming from the west (I love the weather website) and there's snow in them there hills. We are, remember, accustomed to the weather in So Cal where sometimes it's 80 degrees on Christmas. I always felt a little silly wearing a scarf even though I was cold.

ANYWAY, once I got him all warmed up, the story came out and it's really not so good bordering on REALLY BAD, but not my story to tell at the moment. But pray, will you? for a boy recently home from Iraq with a baby on the way and his whole life ahead of him. I hope.

My butt is sore.

Yesterday I hopped into my little jalopy and headed south for some much needed therapy. Tree Therapy.

after driving FOREVER (a few hours, really) I landed myself at a lovely little cabin in Yosemite National Park where Girl Roomie (who really needs a new name since it's been two years since we were roomates. suggestions?) and I soaked in the hot tub and snoozed in bunk beds.

Then, today we looked about the park and I got to know her BFF Mindy and HER man Todd. (who rented the cabin and were kind enough to let me tag a long for a night. I am blessed) SO I have now been to Yosemite which, I think, wasn't QUITE as super cool as Yellowstone (not nearly as many critters and harder to find things) but still lovely and there will be pictures to come.

After being among the trees and the quiet and the critters (notably the squirrel that was busy hijacking fiberglass insulation to line his little home which would be an excellent idea except that um, fiberglass insulation is bad for squirrels-especially when they are carrying it in their mouths) and the hot tub (of course) I am feelng recharged and (not) ready to face another work week.

But I will face another work week and I will be positive because I AM qualified for my job and somehow I WILL gather the tools to succeed. (lather, rinse, repeat.)

perspective

there's nothing like listening to the stories of a Viet Nam Vet to make the little voice in your head say,

"Makes your problems seem really trivial, now doesn't it?"

yes it does.

And as always, whatever your politics, you gotta bless the fighting folks. They're in hell. And if you've never been through it, you don't know it, but if you get the chance, listen.

ok. one more and then I'll shut up. for today.

So, due to stuff as mentioned below, I may have to finally join this century and break down and buy an Ipod. I don't really care that everyne has them, and I have never really felt as though I need one. Until now.

You see, when they pulled my battery yesterday, it cut the power to my car radio. This made the security system kick in. I need a code to unlock he stereo. Thankfully, my fleetwood mac cd popped out, but anyway, I have no tunes in my car. And although I have always been happy to sing in there, I'm a litte out of tune and I prefer to have background music.

No. I don't have to go Ipod. But it would probably sync best with my computer. I'm thinking about the Shuffle. Can't imagine needing more than that.

I been trippin. n stuff

My trip to San Diego went wonderfully and I have to say that it was one of the best weekends I have had in a long time. Seeing Kristen and Jed was like tonic to my soul and spending time with my other friends (and my mom) was better than an ice cold root beer on a hot day. I'm not sure what the highlight of my weekend was. Maybe it as Kristen's belly, just starting to show the baby in there. Maybe it was Jed's giggle. It could have been sitting with my mom, or huddling under a blanket with Chuck. I thought I would never get up after I tried jumping off a swing and I landed on my ass. on.my.ass. heh. I crawled into Girl Roomie's bed to watch Cars and we ate mint chip ice cream and twinkies. (we both fell asleep without brushing our teeth. I woke up and I swear a skunk had a party in my mouth) We also declared that if you tape a twinkie to the TV at the gym, maybe we might be willing to run on the treadmill.

It was fun, it was wacky, it was just what I needed to remind me what I love about living and what life is all about.

Then I flew home. And we were early! And I thought, Hey! I'll call the Cowboy since it's still early. And tra la la, I didn't know I was in for an adventure.

But my car wouldn't start. Battery was dead. And since I was in the parking garage, the nice lady who decided to help me (people around here don't trust each other enough to lend a hand. She almost drove off) couldn't get close enough for my jumper cables to work. Two hours later, after a lot of reading and chit chatting with my mom, the guy arrived to jump start my car. I didn't call the Cowboy until I was at Sears yesterday getting my battery changed. That took 2 hours too. But I had a book to read and one of the guys was hitting on me (you know, because older women need love too, or so he told me. He also told me he was 23 and age didn't matter, but I found out that he's 19 after I told him that to me, it does.) I am flattered that I can get the attention of 19 year olds. Heh.

Cowboy and I talked for a long time. mostly about how broken he is. And I told him that's ok. The longer we talked the more I felt myself slipping into the "friend" spot in his world, and I'm ok with that. (today) Because even if he doesn't want to date me, I still want to be his friend. Time will still tell what will happen.

Happy HNT!

I know I am a little bit early. But I always forget until late and, I had something positive to say.

I know I have not been very good about being all confident and strong and shit lately. And I don't know how long it will last, nor do I know how long I will stick to the following, but it seems to be working a little bit right now, and I can't complain about that.

You see, instead of coming home and waiting for my phone to ring, (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't) I've been hitting the gym. And although I am not in as good of shape as I think I should be, I am improving. I also think I am finally acclimating. I can climb the stairs at work now and I only get a little bit winded. (as opposed to feeling like I might go ahead and DIE when I reach the top)

So, Monday when I went, I was able to be on the cardio machine for all of mmm, 10 minutes and today? 20 minutes, with only short water breaks.

And this is all good because I don't take my phone to the gym with me. Nope, it's far away where I can only wonder if it is ringing which is a good thing because it means I am obsessing just a little bit less. Or at least I can't check the phone to see if i happened to miss a call which really does happen sometimes. PLUS, since I don't generally call anyone after 8, I don't expect calls after 8, which means that I only have an hour or so to wonder if the phone might ring. AND going to the gym firms up my butt. and my belly. and it's good for my heart. AND since I do a little bit of yoga (a very little bit, but, whatever) it's good for the rest of my systems too.

So something good can come of my idiocy. Now to work on the brain...

Curiously silent

I know I have not answered comments regarding the Cowboy. And the reason is that the truth hurts and I am not behaving the way you think I should. Apparently I just have not learned my lesson and I will continue being an idiot until I'm either completely miserable and heartbroken, or I grow some balls. I'll let you know how the chapter ends. I hereby promise not to post any pictures of my sobbing face because it is-not-pretty. and no one needs to see that. truly, I'd rather show you my nakid butt which, despite the fact I appear to still be allergic to my pants, it is far more attractive than my weepy face.

I cancelled my personals subscription oh, about 30 seconds ago. I thought, when I first considered cancelling, that I was going to give "met someone" as a reason.(I was really excited about that) But since I don't really know which way things are going to go (ok, I have a pretty good idea, but remember, there is an optimist living in my head that simply will not die) I don't consider that a valid reason. I also don't feel like it is as good of a reason as whichever one I gave.

I'm glad this latest go around with the personal ads did not make me crazy and neurotic. I think it was a step in the right direction and certainly a smart move for someone looking to relocate. I feel a bit badly that there are inquiries I did not respond to. I just got tired of telling the 40 and 50 year olds I was not interested, and the younger ones that I have met someone. especially since over the last week(s?) I don't really feel like that is a good answer. But I did make a new friend, possibly two. Two, I think is hoping that it won't work out between Cowboy and I, which is flattering, but sad because I want Cowboy to realize that I am more than a roadie.

Truthfully, I am sinking back into the realms of "i'd rather be alone". it was a comfortable place where I didn't sit on the phone and I didn't hope to go out, and I didn't have a nagging voice arguing with the optimist and telling me what an idiot I am. again.

Limbo sucks. But for some reason I still won't do anything about it. what do you know. idiot.

quick question

it's keeping me awake despite the fact that I didn't sleep last night AND I worked out a little today. (a very little, but whatever)

Does work ever make you want to bang your head against the wall until you are a bloody pulp?

yeah, um, me either. just checking.

(I mean, it's not the JOB, it's the part where my cohort said, everything is ready, I will be there, my crew will be there, we're gonna get this done and then Poo gets phone call.)

We are not talking about the rest of my evening

at least not right now.

Instead I will tell you the following...

That you know you don't even want to look at a home when the pictures of it online make you say (in your head, of course because I don't know about you but that's where all my best dialog happens) "Oh, holy Jesus" every time you hit the next button. And you aren't um, an avid follower of the teachings of Christ.

Meanwhile, in happy news, I picked up a lovely little antique dresser today. It wasn't an impulse buy, I slept on the idea and I do need somehwere to put my underwear which are still in a bin from moving. It's a lovely little number, and precisely what I was looking for several months ago when I was out looking for a little antique dresser thing to advertise my soap on. So it will serve a dual purpose. You know, when I can afford to pay off the IRS ($400) and get licenced in the great state of NV which, wants a state license($100), a city license($60), and sales taxes. Hence the property search because I don't want to spend the money to get a license in Reno only to move to say, Sparks or, more likely, Fernley-because-it's-cheaper. And well, we all know focusing on the future helps me ignore the present as does the bedding I spent all weekend cutting up for homeless ferrets.

AND this weekend I recruited 4 or 5 new members of the Reno Bad Girls of Craft so now we have enough people to actually meet up! YAY!

(distractions, distractions...)

WTF?

So I'm standing there, minding my business, eating some noodles when suddenly,

ow. ow. OW!!

I'm allergic to my pants.

Happy HNT!

It's easy, I think, to get so wrapped up in the drama that is life, that we forget how lucky we are. To focus so hard on the difficult part of the journey that we forget that every great adventure has it's cold dark mountainous moments.
Lately, I have been doing just that.
But today, as work was just a little less ugly, and life just a little more sunny, I snapped out of my funk and remembered that I am beyond blessed.
Sure, I live in testosterone central. But right this minute, with my belly full of steak and biscuits (and who doesn't love steak and biscuits?) I am reminded that holy crap! I just had steak for dinner! Again! I may get frustrated with my lack of alone time, but oh my goodness! I'm not paying rent! which means I can save up and achieve my dream of homeownership. That in and of it's self is a blessing that I cannot possibly ever repay.
My job? might be very frustrating. But it's a challenge. And On days like today, I actually feel like I can meet the challenge. And perhaps on days when I don't, I can remember today. And I will make it through. It's what I do.
Cowboy? I still don't know the answer. I know what you guys tell me to do. I'm listening. But I have to make my choices for me. And if I make the wrong one, I have to learn from it. I'd rather not have him tell me lies or settle into a relationship he isn't ready for. That's why I want to take time to make a choice in the matter. Because I swing back and forth between being ok with the situation and being what Cowboy would call "butt hurt" over it. I my mind, butt hurt means that you're all bent out of shape over something that isn't really a big deal. It's more of an affront to your ego than anything. Truly? I don't think I am being played. And I just have this very strong feeling that a little bit of time is just what I need before the answer will be provided. Right now, I feel like I have all the time in the world. And I will continue to appreciate the time he shares with me because I like his company.
Thats all.

It was one of those days

It was one of those days such that I couldn't wait to come home and start drinking and crafting. I didn't get as much crafting done as I would have liked, but I drank enough. I imagine that in the morning I will remember why I don't drink on work nights.

Sometimes I think this city is chewing me up and it's gonna spit me out. I wish I could say I am blissfully happy here. Another thing hat I have to be patient with. It's not that I don't like it here, I'm just not doing well treading water. I question everything, right down to my ability to hold a good job without the support of someone in my family. But I remind myself that this is what life is about. and that every great adventure has it's difficult parts.

I had a dream the other night that my body wasn't getting enough (you suck weinwers) oxegen because I can't seem to aclimate to the elevation.

I think the stress of moving and all that has been going on is finally hitting me.

This is what happens when Boy Roomie hangs out in my room...

Moments of truth

Met the Cowboy for dinner tonight. I really enjoyed sitting there and chatting with him over pizza.

During the course of our conversation he mentioned that there is someone else he sees about once a week. Just dinner, really, an old friend. It was kind of a tangent off him saying that he only gets to see me once a week (and really I never found out if he would like to see me more than that), and obviously something he needed to say. Then he thanked me for not getting upset, that he wanted to be honest and open. I don't even think my facial expression changed and I don't have a poker face. I flat out told him that I have a lot of male friends. That we go out to dinner and hang out. That some of them are ex boyfriends.

It allowed me to tell him that I really do understand and believe him when he says he does not want to be in a committed relationship. I told him that I have to decide whether that's ok with me or not. He seemed a little surprised by that answer, but I think he is used to women who behave emotionally not the kind who consider things rationally. His wife, apparently, didn't accept him the way he is and tried to change him into the kind of corporate robot he can never be happy being. (she wanted "the lifestyle", he was self employed.)

I'm still torn, honestly, and after I drove away, I did get a little emotional. Tried to think about why I was ok with the situation in the restaurant but not in my car. It seemed to me that I am operating under a double standard. That I would smile and nod one moment and tear up in private. I had a long talk with myself about it.

It's a tough spot for me to be in. And I don't like it. And I still don't know what the right answer is and I hate that. And I think part of the reason I got upset was not that he sees someone else too, but that I obviously have a habit of being interested in men who aren't really available, even though they might appear to be. In that moment, in my car, all those nights driving away from T when we were doing our best to be friends flashed into my head and it hurt. (So maybe I am not feeling as healed up as I thought I was)

Then, as I was pondering the best way to go about getting this out and off my chest, I realized something about myself.

I need to feel special.

Am I holding out hope for something without a possibility of a future? Again? Or do I practice what I preach, trust my instincts and see what kind of answers time brings? I guess the answer to that one is that I should always practice what I preach...And maybe what I need more than anything to learn from this is patience.

Memories! Like the corner of my mind...

Or something like that. Never was much for Barbara. Except maybe for that one duet with Neil Diamond. Something about flowers. C would know. I hear it in my head sometimes, at the death of a romance. "You don't bring me flowers, anymore" Of course, in my world, romance is a rarity, so I don't know all the words. Plus, there are plenty of depressing ending songs to sing. I refused to sing them after it was all over with T. I was trying not to wallow. Instead I re-learned that singing those songs helps me to heal.

I went off on a tangent. Sorry.

I remembered the thing that so eluded me yesterday. We had a Clint sighting.

Now, when I say we, this time, I don't mean me, I mean Poo and BR who went to go pick up Rusty from the airport on Friday. (I stayed behind because I was baking chocolate cakes. I say cake in plural because I made indivudual serving size bundt cakes instead of one big cake to share. I love individual servings of stuff. I also learned that you can warm canned frosting up inthe microwave and drizzle it instead of spreading it and it's yummy. another tangent. I am full of them today)

So Poo and BR are waiting for Rusty's plane to arrive when in comes Clint wearing a reflective jacket and carrying those flashlights with cones on the end. BR excused himself to the bathroom, and Clint told Poo he had a job directing airplanes onto the runway. (I am pretty sure they just use runway lights now...) His chin was working like mad. And when he left, (accidentally mentioning that he was going back to the car rental place across the way and "oops. I have two jobs right now, you know") Poo told him to come and get his stuff and to call his parents. They said his chin was still going and he ambled off kind of limping sideways.

Sad, what people will do to their bodies. The general consensus is that he's not long for this world. Rusty said something about them having found cancer in his throat and perhaps that is why he went back to drugs. I suppose I will never know for sure. Regardless, it's an unfortunate situation.

Today, I was bombarded all day with the sounds of the football games. I generally like football, but after a bit, I got tired of hearing the announcers. I am hoping that I just needed a nap. Or that hours upon hours of it was just too much for my brain to take.

Since I mentioned the sad endings of romances, I imagine that those of you who care are wondering what is going on with the Cowboy. Things are about the same. We are enjoying each other's company. Sometimes he calls when he says he will, sometimes he doesn't. When he doesn't, I call him, and we chat for long periods of time. He tells me he's not in a position in his life to be someone's boyfriend, and I am still considering whether a non comitted dating reationship is enough for me since I don't generally date more than one men at a time. I tell myself that we are what each other needs right now. In my heart, that sounds like the right answer.

Oh, Hi officer. I'll give you two good reasons not to give me a ticket today...

subtitled, "Whew! Thank goodness I'm wearing my 'Sexy Motherpucker' lip gloss today!"

Rusty's in town which means a lot of beer drinking and tobacco chewing. I? have known or awhile that I would end up driving three drunk asses around the greater Truckee Meadows area this weekend. I'm quite ok with that. I would rather know I am driving than worry about them dying on a mountain road. Rusty, for those of you who have been around for a bit, used to be my landlord. But it's his wife that I can't stand. I like Rusty.

So we wandered out this morning and headed up to Tahoe. After checking out the dam, (there were some huge fish right there. You could see them right through the water. it was SWEET!) Rusty quickly determined that he was ready for a bar, I went wandering Tahoe City. Got me some gelato and headed to the bar to meet up with the boys who were, at that point, pretty well snookered. BTW, Jason's Bar and Grill, great service.

We left, and stopped my the gas station for a twelve pack to drink on the way down the hill. (!!!) About half way down, Poo decided it was time for me to drive. And we got down the hill alive, stopping only once to let the boys out to pee. At least, we got most of the way down the hill without incedent.

I saw the cop from quite aways away. Nevada Police have disco lights. I noticed a speed limit sign and started to slow down. Since the cop was pulled over, I wasn't all that worried. Until he pulled out onto the road and behind me with his lights on. I thought, "Hey, I'll just pull to the right and let him pass me, he must be after someone." He was. Me. Shit.

Now, I have not switched my licence over. And I have three dunk men in the car, three open containers, and a lot of empties. Rusty is carrying something extra, and smells like it.

The officer, was realy very nice. He clocked me going 71 in a 55. He believed me when I said I had only been here a couple of weeks. (I figured that a lie would be ok as long as it didn't hurt anyone and might save my ass) He forgave a good portion of my speeding since I probably don't know the limits yet. (in my defense, I really didn't know it was 55 through there) He also gave me credit for driving a truck that was not my own. AND we didn't get cited for not being able to find Poo's insurance card.

My ticket is for 1 mile over. I am blessed.

It occurred to me later that perhaps I could have offered to show him a bit of skin, if you know what I mean, and maybe gotten out of the ticket all together, but that's mostly about being funny and not at all about being realistic. We do think that he knew I was the designated driver. All I know is that I drove the speed limit all the way home. And I am thanking my lucky stars for nice cops and lip plumping lip gloss.


Right now Poo and BR are arguing poker rules. I think I am ready to take a little jaunt to the craft store. Maybe all three craft stores. I don't want to be around wen they decide to play "suck my dick".

People often ask me how I handle living with two men. I usually laugh and tell them it's not too bad. I've learned that when the going gets tough, I go to my room.

Meanwhile, shit. I forgot. There was something else! I totally forgot what it was! Dangit.

I'm starting to get creative-er

Happy HNT!

I slept with this pile of laundry last night, and I think I'm going to sleep with it again tonight. so there.

They managed to keep one secret

I had a good month or so to prepare for my mom's arrival, and a little more than that to prepare for my cousins'. I was exceptionally pleased when it turned out that my aunt and uncle (and family) were able to cancel thier camping trip.

I almost cried when my seester came around the corner.

Having my family here was the best birthday present i could have hoped for. I know the youngins were missing, and thier presence would have made it all complete, but I am satisfied with the wonderful gift of the family that could make it.

Today we drove around. Went on a little hike, then back to my aunt and uncle's for ice cream cake. We watched a movie. People got a little cranky, and we went home. My family sang various versions of "Happy Birthday" and sag along with The Beatles.

I can't possibly think how my birthday could have been better. I have one more day with my cousins and sister, and three more days with my mom.

they say it's you birthday (do do do do do) It's my birthday too!

Also knowns as the obligatry OH MY GOD I'M THIRTY" post. because Oh my goodness, suddenly, I am. I mean, I know Ihave been preparing for it for um 30 years now, but honestly it really did sneak up on me because in truth? I'm still twelve. Which is why yesterday I had to refrain from giggling when I told the schindler guy to move his van because we needed to caulk the louver.

heh.

So as you can see, I don't LOOK any differnet than I did two day ago when I took the last picture of myself. Except I grew bags under my eyes because my mom came out to visit as a surprise (I knew, but didn't say anything. hee hee) and two grown women don't fit so well in a double bed. Especially when both of them are used to sleeping alone. Plus, she was snoring. So here's me on my birthday...



And here's the part where I brag about my new present.



My Momi spoils me.

In the back you can kind of see the blanket i made myself the other night. It's snuggly.

Happy HNT!

Every so often, I visit a fucked up bathroom. And I always wish that I had taken a picture because no one could possibly believe how incredibly fucked up this bathroom is.

This one wasn't so bad, but I happened to have my camera with me. It was taken in Virginia City a couple of weeks ago. Knowing now what I didn't know then, is just how damn haunted that place is. sadly, I am only recently getting my "feelings" back after a year's hiatus, but happily, while visiting VC for the second time, I felt a lot. I'm still looking for the ghostie in the picture. I don't think there is one.

FYI, I am standing up in the stall NOT sitting down. And I did get caught taking the picture, but the other lady didn't mind since you can't see her. (she was sitting down. not in the stall with me, you freak.)

Went out with the Cowboy last night. I'm back on the happy train. AND he said he would call today and he did.

Tonight I went to coffee with Todd. He was nice. I'm not interested.

After I got home I realized that there is a hole in the crotch of my pants.



Right in front. Which will make my sisters happy because they hate these jeans.

I often wonder if Poo knows I can hear him talking when he is out on the porch. He's discussing me at the moment. It just comes right in my window. This is how sometimes I hear things I don't want to hear.

Ooh. It's late. I'd best be to bed.

Tomorrow I am meeting Greg for dinner.

wha?

So, my mom and poo are fighting because she says he called during the Charger Game to harass her, and he said he didn't call her at all.

My answer? I was either eating or in my room so I can neither confirm nor deny. She says her's is the reliable opinion because she hasn't been drinking. I say they are both a little goofy and I won't believe anything without seeing some phone bill evidence.

Either way, they aren't any fun when they are mad. Even 500 miles away from each other.

I am quietly frustrated and only telling you (all 5 of you) that I am so. not because of my parents but because Cowboy said he would call tonight when he got back from being out of town and he didn't. As Poo has said, "He's turning out to be a flake". I say he's turning out to be like most of the men I have dated (if you can consider us dating) where it turns out that he is so wrapped up in doing what he loves that he forgets to pay attention to the people in his world.

Now, don't get me wrong, I get wrapped up too. And I am not the kind of woman to be jealous of a hobby. But I decided a long time ago (after D) that I deserve better than second place. Quite frankly, I am very low maintenance. Very low. And If I feel like I am not getting enough attention, or that I am playing second fiddle, then there is something wrong. I accept that Cowboy has a lot going on. But I also think that if he can't make time to call when he says he will or to see me once a week or so, then perhaps he doesn't have time to date me. And that's ok, I would rather get that out of the way now before it hurts later. This time? I don't think I am overreacting.

It's not like this is the first time this has happened. And no, I have not given him the pet peeve talk. And no, it doesn't make me feel insecure about our relationship because we don't have one. What we have is two people who have met twice, and talked on the phone several times. We have one person who is actually making some sort of effort, and one person who is making half of one. One of those two is not feeling particularly forgiving right now. One of those two may have allowed herself to be too available so as to appear always available. It seems like this whole not calling thing is his MO. And I really need to figure out if that is something I can handle or not. There are a lot of things I need to decide if I can handle or not. That's a lot of internalized drama for what we have. Which is very little.

Trouble is, that I have had so little face to face time with him that I can't tell if it is worth it. this may just be a crazy time for him. He may have more time when winter is here because I don't think he can rope in the snow. Plus it gets a lot darker earlier. and colder. I enjoy our conversations when we talk on the phone, they have gotten a little less superficial. He seems to want me to get to know him. He tells me more about his family and about life on the ranch, and less about his favorite cartoon character. (Which is certainly a reasonable conversation, of course. I mean, the philosophy behind Roadrunner Cartoons? Genius!)

Am I expecting too much? Am I doing too much comparison with men in my past with whom I was very quickly close? Because it is my experience that when you are really interested in someone, you make it a point to see them as much as possible. I'm not talking about physical contact, I'm talking about getting to know each other better, face to face. Making an effort to see that person even though you are busy. Or at the very least, calling when you say you will. Finding out if this is someone you want to spend more time with or someone who drives you so crazy that when you part ways, you never want to see or speak to them again.

Next week it will have been three weeks since last we met. I think you can hear what I am thinking. Let's see if I have the courage to tell him so.

Clarification

Ok, so, the other day I was feeling really pouty and was probably overreacting. I won't know what Cowboy wants from me until I see him again and maybe even then I don't know. I have a tendency to overreact sometimes (a lot, but in my head until I arrive here). Especially where men are concerned. Part of the trouble is that this is the first guy that I have been on more than one date with who I thought, "I really like this guy" in a very long time. Looking back, I was rather quickly disenchanted with Biker Bob, I just stuck around hoping it would get better.

And in some ways, I am doing that again. But different. This time I am not desperate to cover up the memories of someone else. I'm not looking to replace any one. I'm looking at the situation objecively when I'm not frustrated and confused. And this one? confuses me. He doesn't behave the way I am used to men behaving. And I'm not certain what it is he wants from me. Chances are, I'm making things a lot more complicated in my head than they really are.

But I'm a woman. That's what we do. And no matter how much I try to be logical, sometimes my emotions get in the way. And that's ok. I'm listening to them.

(Heh. the bird just said, "God Damn, fuck this shit")

I''m listening closely and remembering that there are men out there who are looking for the kind of relationship I am looking for. And it could be that Cowboy IS looking for a partner, just not a wife. In his mind? Wife is still a bad thing. I'm learning that. I'm also learning that he's trying to be VERY careful who he spends his time with. I don't think married was fun for him. And I get the idea that the women he has dated since then have been a little crazy for the idea of being married. And soon.

So yes, I will still dress nicely. I don't wear sweats outside the gym anyway so I don't really know what I meant when I said "dress down". I'll still make sure I smell like flowers or strawberries and maybe eventually, coconut (he loves coconut). I can't promise there won't be glue on my fingers and wool in my hair though. That's just too much to ask.

I will ask, though, that when he makes plans with me, that he keeps them.

HNT

good clean fun

BTW, my eyes are red from environmental irritants. damn fires.