Monday, October 29, 2007

I have been strangely quiet

Not in general, just here, about the fires that so recently raged (are raging) though my homeland.

Thing is, I had mixed emotions about it. On one hand, I was scared. Scared for my family, scared for my friends, scared for the strangers I may never know. My old workplace was shut down again and finally reopened this weekend. Once again, the fire knocked on my mother's, my cousin's, and the doors of my friends. (C's family was evacuated. They are back safe in their homes.) I started watching the news and making phone calls. I was in almost constant contact with my mom. Now that almost everyone is back in thier homes if they have one, the damage is as follows (so far as I know) My Aunt Dorothy lost her home and the bus she raised her children in. (I'm not really sure how to explain that one except that I come from an interesting family and that bus was pretty nice inside!) She and her kids are fine and they are taking care of her. Bossman lost his trailer-apartment. This one breaks my heart because Bossman lost his job and his home all in one year. Right now he has no job and has laid carpet in his daughter's garage so that he has a place to live. (Thankfully the fire didn't burn her home too since he was living on her property) I have not figured out how to reach out to him, but my heart is sobbing. I have a few ideas.

I feel a little guilty. Because I moved out just in time and I am thankful I didn't have to go through that again. I'm thankful that the smell of smoke is not trapped in my sinuses. Thankful that I didn't have to find somewhere to go while I wondered if I would have a home or a job. (I voluntarily evacuated last time when I could see the flames from my front porch and my electricity went out) But I haven't forgotten what it was like to wake up at 10 am (we had been partying on the Star of India and stayed over night downtown) and look to the East and realize that my neighborhood was burning. I look at the scorched hills surrouding my new home and know I will experience it again.

I feel guilty because...No. I won't write that. Because I don't really wish it. Not that way.

And I am angry. angry that once again, they showed the damage in the affluent communities, but ignored what was going on in the rest of the county. Other than the mentioning of the fires in Ramona, cameras were trained on Rancho Bernardo. in fact, that was all I could see when I watched CNN. Thank goodness the local channels kept their websites updated.

In happier news, I had a lovely time with Cowboy yesterday. Buzz pointed out that he thought I was done with all that madness. And there were moments over the last several weeks when I was going crazy. But while I am still a little crazy, when I weighed the option of giving up on someone whose company I enjoy, whose conversation I enjoy, I thought maybe I should keep being patient. Take my mom's advice and don't get my heart hurt, but be patient and see what happens. He's been very (sometimes painfully) honest with me. And he doesn't always do what I want him to do. But I am also learning to trust him a little. In some ways he is helping me heal old wounds by behaving the way he does. I'm taking it one day at a time. and if I decide I am done, you'll get a definitive "done". But right now, I'm feeling good about where things are. I try not to rant too much about him or about work. I don't want to say anything that could be hurtful or bite me in the butt later. I care about Cowboy and wouldn't want to see him hurt by one of my occational temper tantrums. But don't worry, I'm watching my 6.


Gretta James said...

Those fires have caused so much devastation. I really don't think you should feel guilty though. Your anger totally justified.

As for CowBoy, just go with the flow and see where it leads, but protect your heart.

Gretta x

Sensei Ern said...

You should not feel guilty unless you left the iron on when you left California, and it started the initial fire. Nor, should you regret leaving.

You have to live you life to develop yourself, not be hindered by other people's choices.

Take your rifle out and plink some cans until the feelings go away.

Rich | Championable said...

If we got in trouble for our thoughts...


whoo boy.