Throughout the year, I often stop to contimplate where I was 365 days ago. The thing that sticks out most in my head is that at this time last year, I was excited to be moving into a house (soon) and nervous to go redeem my "gift card" with E. So much has changed for me this year. Neither the house or E worked out! Funny how much your life can change in a year.
This year, although I have a lot of options, what I really want is to spend my New Years with T. That won't be happening, and even if it did, it would be a platonic evening, not the romantic reunion I like to wish for. However, I am reminded of New Years 3 years ago, when I was stuck on another man, one far less suitable. The ensuing New Years evening was one of those strange surreal times that I have a hard time believing that I was involved with. This man plays a part in several of these surreal times, which is one of the reasons that I understand why he was so bad for me.
I know I have mentioned several times S, who I found unbelievably handsome, who sparked my breakup with D (through no fault of anyone, it was time for us to be over, meeting S was only a catalyst), who pulled a fade away, who I held on to for far too long, we ended up working together, and with whom the final end could have cost me my life. I will admit that the mention of his name still makes my world go flip, but I can smile and shake my head about it now. I'm glad that I am not likely to see him again, even though he turned out to be a good and loyal friend. I emphasize friend.
3 years ago on New Years, I had nothing to do. I could have spent it with my mom, but there would be no parties that year. So S invited me to go with him up north to party with his friends. Having met his friends and liked them, I agreed. Plus the three hour drive alone with him in his 'vette sounded like a dream come true.
All went well at the party except for the copious amounts of pot being smoked (I've never been a fan) until someone's girlfriend started picking fight. she tried with me (for talking to her man) and finally settled on a man who seemed nice, and had just gotten out of prison. The fight continued from the bar to home where it continued over my head in the spa. Then someone started playing with the shotgun. What goes up must come down, so I ended up curled in a little ball on the couch, and then was put to bed where I woke up a bit later to the sounds of someone having sex about 5 feet away. eew.
The moral of the story? It's better to stick to my own people. New Years with an ex isn't always a dream come true. Hope, although great for getting you through the tough times, can get you in some bad situations. this one could have been so much worse!
So for New Years this year, I will likely go to a party. maybe I will meet someone. Likely I won't. but I think it's important for me to go out, have a good time, and start 2006 without drama or heartache and with the knowlage that a year from now, my life will be completely different and I'll probably be glad I didn't spend this New Years with T. His friends are great, and I can guarantee there won't be any fights or pot. but that doesn't mean that with him is the right place for me. no matter what my heart thinks.