I realize that I should be spending all of my spare time unpacking until everything is put away and all my boxes are gone so that my bunny can come out for a run (or hop...), but truly, I don't much feel like it so I have been working on a puzzle instead. Actually it's nice to be able to work on a puzzle without worrying about my cats stealing the pieces (you know, because I don't have them anymore, and yes, this is the first time I have sat down to a puzzle in my own home in may years) and without worrying about a roomate coming along and screwing things up.
I don't really feel like unpacking. I want it done, I am looking forward to having a neat, organized home, and posting my pride about it when it finally is done, I just keep finding excuses not to do it. For example, last night, Monsters Inc. caught my attention and wouldn't let it go.
Last night was tough however, because I am back at the old crossroads of something has to change and I don't know which way to turn. It's the same thing I have been pondering for 8 months. Tell T I love him (I think he deserves to know. I think everyone should know that someone does or has loved them) and walk away so that I can heal, or keep going the way things have been going and have my wounds reopened time and again. I have prayed for guidance, I have not recieved any (I was specific in asking for an understandable answer), I have searched my soul. I have meditated and reasoned it all out. I have placed myself in his shoes and tried to think of how I would feel if the tables were turned, but I don't think that is accurate. I know how I feel. I don't know how he feels. I can read into his attention, his help, his present, his holiday card. I can make them mean what I want them to mean, but that doesn't make it true. I have faith that an answer will come when it is time, or that this will work it'self out somehow, but honestly, it took years for the situation with S to work itself out and I don't want to be in pain that long.
Perhaps I am addicted to this sort of angst and that is why I continue to find it. Perhaps this is the only way I know how to love a man. From far away so that he cannot reject me. I do know that I don't want to come accross as a blubbering idiot. Thank goodness no one is in here to see me tearing up and my nose turn all red. I am not a beautiful cryer.
Prayers are answered in ways that are hard to understand sometimes. And I believe that the universe answers them when it is time. perhaps I just need to understand that it is not yet time for me to be done with this, no mater how much I know something needs to change. Perhaps the answer will suprise me. Perhaps it will hurt me more deeply than I ever thought possible. But I have found that when you are drowning, it helps to find the bottom so you can push for the surface. I fear that bottom. Maybe I am already there. Only time will tell.