Monday, December 05, 2005

I went red

I'm ready to be blonde again. it's only been two days.

I spent lots of time with T this weekend. Once again, it came down to, let's not ruin our friendship. It is all very confusing. He announced that he should find me a boyfriend. It was tough not bursting into tears, but I controlled myself. I don't know why he thinks that is a good idea. I think it's a terrible idea. He even suggested internet dating, which, I explained that I had tried, but didn't like.

He says he doesn't want to lose my friendship because he likes talking to me so much, which only confuses me more because, isn't that a great base for having something more? How many people do you meet that you're attracted to, you can talk to, and you have a great many things you like to do together? I know I am holding on to something I should have let go of long ago. But my brain and heart have never had good communication.

Hurting, hurting, again. It could have been so much worse, I know. He doesn't want to hurt me, but he's ripping me apart.


Sensei Ern said...

Please post a picture, if even for a couple days. I would like to see you as a red head.

Fifth Element red or Nicole Kidman red?

Ginamonster said...

I'll see what I can do.

Ginamonster said...

neither. more like Lucy red.

jen said...

OK...I think I have the part of the brain that tells us when to run. If even for a little while. You are torturing yourself, sweetie...and there is no need for that. You need your heart intact more than you need that friendship...even if you don't realize that right now. Much love to you!

Ginamonster said...

Thanks Jen. Hard to run from someone when all you want to do is hold on with everything you have. I trust that everything will spring back into balance. There is a lesson here I haven't learned yet, and I'm stuck in this rut until I do. It's just the way my life is. Growing hurts. I don't think I am done growing from this yet.