day two

Overall, I will tell you if I like it when I start having normal days.

In other news, although I am not really one to make resolutions, I decided this past weekend to stop being so critical of others. Even the people on TV who may not know I am poking fun at them, but who are people nonetheless. I realized that somethings are either out of our control or not a priority. Maybe someone is having a bad hair day or week or year. Maybe they just don't care. Maybe they are made that way or can't afford fancy clothes or a personal tailor. Maybe they just like to pair polka dots and plaid.

Either way, I realized that it's not up to me to want people to follow my taste or to expect that they should magically conform to what I think is best for them just because I said so. If they aren't hurting me or themselves, who am I to question?

Opening and closing doors

Tomorrow will be  my last day at my current place of employment.

I never would have guessed my time here was ending 6 months ago. I was happy. Content in my little world, wishing for a little more money  but making ends meet.

Then Poo called with a job offer that would have taken me in an excellent career direction and off to the wilds of Oregon.

I didn't take the offer but it was a wake up call. I woke up and realized that I have a great deal of skill and experience that I am not using here. So I started looking and found what looked like the perfect position. At the same time, a supervisor position opened up here so I didn't apply. I have wondered since what a position in radio would have brought to my life. It would have definately been interesting.

I did apply to be supervisor. I am not going to go into the details as to why I didn't get the promotion, but not getting it gave me the opportunity to get some in warehouse experience that after two years in maintenance, I had not obtained.

I learned an important lesson. I didn't like it out there.

Happy that I could quietly return to the job that I like, I told myself that I would be happy where I was for now.

But it was too late. when I announced to the girls I skate with that I didn't get the Supervisor position and that I was looking, it set wheels in motion.

I didn't mention it here because I am not anonymous anymore. I know I have coworkers who read (HI PAUL!!) and it is possible that there are some who read but I don't know it.

All I can say is that the universe answered and I get to go work with Bratty Duke.

I'm going into Banking. I've never worked for a bank but I think it will be fun and interesting. It's scary and stressful to be leaving a place where I know I am happy (despite my occasional frustration, I am generally happy) where things are comfortable and I know people to a place where I am new.

This is how we grow and for me, it is time. Time to stretch my skills, time to learn new ones. I don't want to be a maintenance admin forever. There's nothing wrong with the position, it's comfortable. I know it well. But I do aspire to more.

So tomorrow I say goodbye to my comfort zone. I am returning to the world of suits and heels. Stepping out into the unknown.

I am going to miss the people here. I hugged a coworker on Friday and almost cried. Tomorrow will be worse, I can feel it. The goodbyes, the lunches, the cakes, it all seems endless. There is still so much I want to get done but I have to accept that there are things I won't get to. Especially if I don't stop writing and get back to work.

State of things

Not much has changed, I think. I'm still happy. Everything is still good.

I think.

I worry. I'm trying not to dwell on how worng I have been in the past. I am certainly not being as neurotic as I know I can be when I am interested in someone.

As always, time will tell.

Dear Bossman,

We have workd together for awhile not so I shouldn't have to tell you that if it's almost 1 pm, and I walk into your office to file something really quick with my lunch in hand that it isn't a good idea to tell me to wait a minute. for anything.

Because at that point, I will gladly stab you with my plastic fork for the wint-o-green lifesavers in your pocket. No disrespect, I just need to be fed regularly.

Sincerely,

Your Admin

In other news...

I will be guest posting over at Polkadotbandit every Friday. It will be mostly home and craft related stuff because that is the kind of blog she has, but go check it out. I'm really excited at the idea of guest posting anywhere and am flattered that she is allowing me into her world. Maybe I will even let my mom go read that one. There's two posts already scheduled, and more in my head. Exciting stuff. And nice to see something that ISN'T man related. sheesh!

At the risk of...

Being found out, the flirtaion I spoke of has turned to something more. I worry about talking about it here, because i know there is someone who will tell him, .and  that it will hurt Cheese. I haven't told him. Yes, he will find out eventually and yes, this is precisely what T did to me, and gods how it hurt when I found out. I would really rather know he is seeing someone first.

Not a good basis for a friendship, I know. I'm not lying to him about it, I'm just not telling him, which could be considered lying by omission, but ultimately, as I have told him there is no hope for a future between us, that we do not belong together, that we both deserve to love and be loved, it's really none of his business.

I know that some of the girls find the new guy a bit creepy. I am not discounting this in any way shape or form. I am not ignoring it. it's in the back of my mind at every moment. I think of it when I look at him, I consider it in his every word. (Which kind of sucks, but we know I have terrible taste in men. Good people, bad for me)

I realized something though.

I am happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. Right now. And right now I am going with it. And accepting the happiness as something that might change but something that I have right now. I'm looking over the last several years of dating and the pattern isn't pretty. Shall we recap?

Cheese was worthy of all I could give but I just couldn't find it. (I'm pretty into the new guy right now)
The one before wasn't ready for a relationship and i don't know if he ever will be ready for a relationship with me. I will always have love for him. I'm glad we are on speaking terms again. It has brought joy into my world. (new guy seems to be wanting the same things I do)
Hi Five treated me like I didn't matter. I felt last on his list. Whether this is accurate or not is questionable, but the perception is there (I have not felt lacking in the new guys attention. He has his own life too, but I don't feel neglected)
B. I was happy with B. But it was all based on a lie. (new guy, as far as i know has been honest (he even told me he asked Flash to coffee after he found out that I wasn't available. She didn't go. I'm flattered that there is any comparison between she and I), the stories add up, there are no small children waiting for him at home nor is there a crazy ex wife calling while we are out. as far as I know)

I could go on, but I am already bored with it. and we have now gone back two years.

I'm taking the moments as they come. I'm having fun getting to know someone new and enjoying his company. I think it's healthy.

Except for the guilt part... I have nothing to feel guilty about...I have nothing to feel guilty about...I have nothing to feel guilty about...

I'm going to keep repeating that until the guilt goes away.

Trying again

I'm not blaming him, but my months with Cheese undid two years of derby weightloss. when Kindovermatter announced the Be Kind to your Body Challenge, and linked me to Loseit.com, I decided that this might help me lose those 15 pounds. And lemme tell you, I waste a lot of calories eating candy!

I am hoping that I don't fall off the bandwagon, I think that the process of logging everything and getting to see my reports in graph form will help. We shall see!

I miss sleep

• I stopped following Cheese on Twitter all together last night because he is making some really poor choices and I can't watch him throw all the good things away. I also refuse to feel responsible for his downward spiral and I think that watching  it will only make me feel guilty. I hope he pulls out of this tailspin quickly.
• I need to stop taking Derby personally. I end up looking like an asshole and I am tired of it.
• Still not sure about the guy. Flash Crash gets a very strong creepy vibe. And that it definately something to take into consideration. Time will tell

Later...

Talked to Cheese. He said that twitter wasn't entirely accurate. I let him know how it appears when he posts certain things and he said he would be more careful.
a little while later, he asked if he could point out a few things about me. Since I like to pretend that I can take constructive criticism and learn from it, I accepted his offer.
He didn't want me to read the emails until I got home, but of course i did because, well, you would too. Much of what he said was accurate. Some was most certainly not.
I never cheated. never ever. I looked. I'm human. I'm sure he looked too. But I never touched. Never flirted, never crossed any lines.
I will respond to him when I get home.

I'm so tired of navel gazing. while I am sure I haven't discovered all my flaws, there are so many of them I am aware of. I sit and stare at them, they haunt my sleepless nights. I know he needs to get these things out, that it is part of his healing process, and he needs to admit to me and to himself that I am hardly perfect. despite my bravado, its not easy to see it spelled out.

Again?

If I had a dollar for every date that has been canceled (even for a good reason) I'd be a rich woman. Or, at the very least could buy myself a nice new outfit.

Since I don't hav a dollar, I am going to do my best to make the best of a day with no plans!

Where its at

Cheese and I are still working on our friendship. It's difficult, knowing that he reads into every hug and every glance. It's even more difficult knowing that I have taken advantage of his kindness over the last couple of weeks (he has been watching the dog while I am out of town). I don't want to use him. He makes it very easy to do it. For that, I have guilt. On top of the guilt I feel for hurting him in the first place.

And then there is the flirtation. With a man who, I learned, has been interested in getting to know me for a very long time. And I am flattered by his attention and frightened by the intensity with which he has begun his pursuit.

I know that I am not really ready to get involved with someone. Get to know, yes. And who knows? There is a mutual attraction.

I am afraid. I am afraid of so many things.

I am afraid that it will hurt Cheese all over again, especially since it feels like it is too soon. I am afraid that Cheese will walk away from the friendship we are trying to have like C did so long ago.The difference is, that C is far more secure, and our friendship far stronger than I think I have with Cheese. We just haven't known each other for that long. And that's ok, you can't rush time.

I am afraid that all he wants is a piece. And I don't want to give another one up to someone who is only looking for a special friend. I don't want to be a booty call again. Hi Five's dogged pursuit comes to mind. How little it felt like I meant to him despite his protests to the contrary. The chase is fun. And the last one. Before Cheese, who I didn't talk about except in generalities. That was... A situation I don't want to be in again. And even though there were feelings between us, they didn't change the reality of the situation. When it was over, I made a bad choice and hurt myself and someone else.

I'm afraid to hope that I am wrong.  My wife thinks I am.

And for being attracted and tentatively interested in someone so soon, I feel guilt. I worry that I am going to fall for pretty words and a flirtatious manner again. That  I will get so wraped up in wanting the whole package that I will turn a blind eye to an uglier truth.  I am afraid I will lose another piece.

So I am trying my best to smile, and enjoy the conversation.

Things are looking up again

It was, to put it lightly, a hard week for me.

There was Derby Drama. And that is all I am going to give to that, as per usual.

I worked long hours training as backup to a stressful position. I'm glad I got to try it before I bought it. It certainly made me appreciate my job.

After working a 12 hour day on Wednesday, I came home to an awful smell. Poor Chango had the P&Ps again. I was thankful that I got home in the daylight so that I could clean his kennel outside. I locked him in the bathroom while I cleaned and he got sick again in there too. The smell is lingering...

All the dog and people bathing clogged my tub.

Friday I worked a 13 hour day and came home to another mess. Thankfully, I had forewarning as Cheese had contacted me. He was ready to talk to me and wanted to know if he could have his key back so he could take the dog to the park once in awhile. I don't have a problem with that, it will be nice having help with that. At this point, the tub was totally clogged so I couldn't bathe the dog. And he insisted on going with me to go buy a snake. Which didn't work. Stinky dog in the car, I was super hungry, and feeling rather blue.

Del taco was my hero  that night.

If it wasn't indecent, I would post pictures of how I managed to take a shower; perched on the sides of the tub trying not to get the floor all wet or fall into the lye water below. It reminded me of how we used to play "Lava" when we were kids. Hopping from square to square in the grocery store pretending that we were surrounded by hot lava. Only, in this case, there really was liquid below and it really could burn me.

I finally called the plumber yesterday as nothing seemed to be working. The tub was half full and no amount of Draino or zip thingys or plungering was working.

Cheese decided no contact for awhile was better after all. I totally understand.

I sent a FB friend request to The Cowboy... I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking. I really should let sleeping dogs lie. There wasn't a second adjenda, I do miss his friendship.  We had a lot of laughs.

C on the other hand, accepted my invite, but there isn't anything weird about that, we are still friends and it was nice to find him on FB since that is where I do most of my socializing and keeping up.I haven't been very good about calling or emailing him.

Last night I returned home from game night to a clear tub. I took a shower, even shaved my legs and it drained wonderfully. Cancelled the plumber and slept in.

Pup seems to be fine on his chicken and rice diet. I'm getting some cleaning done. I'm enjoying my house and a rainy day.

Things are defintely getting back to happy normal. I am thankful for all of my blessings today.

Moments like these

It's moments like these, why I cannot see Cheese. When I am remembering all the nicey nice and missing his company.

I went through these mood swings when we were together too. I don't want to call and tell him I miss him only to reject him again next week...

So I sit at home and hurt. I will try and occupy myself with something productive and go to bed early.

Today, that is how I am doing.

Holy Crap we rocked it

We skated well on Saturday and although we lost by 5 points, we ONLY lost by 5 points. I couldn't be prouder of us.

Sensei wants to know how I am doing.

I'm having good moments and difficult moments. Overall, I still feel as though I made the right choice. But I'm not going to lie and tell you that I don't miss him or that I don't half expect to see his car in the driveway as I come around the corner.

But he tried that last week. And I never came home. (well, I did, but not until later than he expected)

It hurt a little so see his facebook status changed to single tonight even though we are no longer together. It put a funny sort of finality on it. I know it is part of his healing process. My time schedule likely would have been about the same.

If it hadn't been the right thing to do I would regret it.

When I think about it too much it hurts. Like right now. Otherwise, I'm doing ok.

I should really hit the hay. Chango is growling and howling at me that it's time for bed. He's a talker, that one.

update

6 days and I am feeling better than I was last week! Cheese and I are not communicating at all right now with the exception of working each others frontiervilles and sending gifts thourgh the game, which, I do for all the people I play with so it's not a romantic gesture or anything.

It's not that there are mean feelings, it's that I need separation to help with perspective and I feel he needs seperation to avoid confusion. The last thing I want to do is confuse him or give him false hopes. I also don't want to slip back into old habits. I know how easy it is to do that. I took Wifey's advice and quit receiving twitter updates via my phone (they were breaking my heart), but did not agree that I should stop following him all together. She said it is like when I unfriended B on facebook. But Cheese never lied to me. We are still friends. And when it's safe, I can see and hang out with him again. By safe, I mean that when I know what I want.

I keep telling Cheese that he did the best that he could, that he did nothing wrong, that I know he gave it everything he had. He is full of romantic gestures of the 80's movie variety, the kind that should make a woman melt and go running into his arms. I wish I could say that I did that. I wanted so much to feel for him the way he feels for me. I have dissected myself so often over the last 8 months that its a wonder the scars aren't visible. But despite his kind and generous nature, I grew increasingly distant. That is why I finally understand how the Cowboy felt. I think he really tried to care about me too. But he couldn't grow feelings for me beyond fondness and an appreciation for me as a person. It's nice to finally have that understanding.

I hope I have not broken him in the same way I was broken, but I fear that might not be possible.

I've been doing well otherwise though. Thursday night was super productive as I started, continued, but never finished several projects. Tonight I have a bout, so that should be interesting. I wish I cold just show up and skate tonight but my team is gathering to get ready together and I would be an asshole if I didn't join them. I'm just not really feeling it today, I guess. The way I am feeling right now, I'd skip it all together if I could. But, that is not an option and I will be here, smiling and skating my ass off. I can relax more tomorrow.

Day 2

You would think, that this wasn't my choice by the way I have been carrying on. I hardly ate yesterday, barely slept last night and wandered around my house most of the day at a loss for what to do with myself and crying. In short, I am in mourning.

Today I feel a little better but keep thinking of the things I will miss. Like the good morning text message every morning or notes on my car. Sometimes both.

I don't want to be an asshole or an idiot though. This was what I wanted after all. I struggled with it for months watching as my roller coaster of emotions took him on way too many ups and downs as well. Over the last couple of weeks, we hardly saw each other as he gave me plenty of space and I took all the space I could get. And when we were together, we made very little attempts at intimacy, rarely kissing or snuggling. I can blame the fact that I was sick for a time, or I can recognize that I was probably pulling away.

Either way, I could have treated him better. He was the one who did everything right while I? Ate it up and wanted to know why I didn't feel more.

For once, I am taking the advice and giving it some time. Who knows how I will feel in a week or a month. It's too soon to know what I want and certainly not fair to play with his feelings. I've already done too much of that. Over the last 8 months, I behaved as a person I don't much care for.

And that is what it came down to. I want him to be with someone who can love him in return. Someone steady and kind. Who will spoil him as he spoils her. Who will love his daughter instead of avoiding her. I know I am capable of giving so much more of myself and of my time and I didn't. Perhaps I am going through a selfish time, perhaps it wasn't as good of a match as it could have been. Either way we are both hurting. the only fix for it is time.

It ended, just as it began. With a kiss.

I'm really going to miss him.

There is no escaping that we are still going to be a part of each other's life, although I did tell him that I would stay away for awhile. He was very nice about it. It hurt us both. I've been telling myself that it's the best thing to do for a long time but in the midst of it, I questioned.

I'm not used to questioning myself.

Meanwhile, my head is pounding, my belly says  it's hungry even though I don't want to eat and I REALLY don't wish to go to practice tonight.

I start training in as a backup in another position tomorrow morning. I don't feel like that either. I don't want to read, I don't want to watch a movie, all I seem to be able to do is wander around the house. It's only been a couple of hours. If that. Time seems to have slowed to a crawl as I sit and exist. Alone. Again.

I know I have to eat. I don't want to cook and I don't want to spend money going out.

I just don't. Anything.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. It won't be all the way better. But a little would help.

No title

I would like to be sleeping right now.

Where have i been?

Everywhere and nowhere. Busy, sick, travelling. Selling soap. Struggling to understand myself. Looking for balance.

I returned to skating only to catch a bad cold which took me out of skating. I have a bout in a couple of weeks, and have to make up the time.

I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's moments like these when I miss being anonymous. When I miss being able to shout into the internets and know that no one is listening. Not that there are a lot of people paying attention. only that most of them know me. personally. And while some don't say anything, some do.

Keep pushing ahead. Do the best that I can with the tools I have.

and to T and the Cowboy, I finally understand.

That's right, I AM the Pumpkin King!

I recieved a phone call a couple of months ago. It was Poo. With a job offer.  Project Manager this time. In Oregon.

Oh what an opportunity that would be. He told me to take my time and really think about it. I pondered whether Cheese might come with me. I went back and forth on that one. Am I ready to live with him? Because that is likely how it would work. Would I want to be responsible for taking him that far from his daughter?

A place by the ocean. Trees. More money. A challenge. Coordinating again. New beginnings. Adventure.

I wasn't sure if an end to my Derby Career would be a positive or a negative. I could still skate, but wouldn't have to deal with the drama, frustration, and time suck that Derby can be.

I took a month off from Derby. I did it not only because I missed doing some of the things I love, my house still isn't unpacked, and because I wanted to take some time to focus on Bubbly Creations. I also did it because I took a hard hit to the head. My helmet didn't protect me and it was a little scary. And it hurt. I believe in signs.

It was hard to stay off my wheels. I am back to derby as of yesterday. It was good to roll.

Between everything and everything, I made my decision about the job.

I am not ready to leave NV. My house, my friends, and yes, Cheese too. He decided not to come with me, that being near his daughter was more important. I respect him more for it.

I've started hanging out a little bit with the Carson Sierra Spinners and Weavers. I think I can give them a couple of hours a month to get all fiber geeky.

I'm not ready to retire from Derby.

I don't want to leave my house, my friends, put Bubbly Creations back on ice. I don't want to be further from my family.

Sensei said to do it. That ther are other boys, other opportunities, other friends to be made. This is true. I didn't turn it down just for the man.

I turned it down after a long night of drinking in which I ended up crying because I didn't know what to do. Except that I did. And once I sobered up and listened closely to what my inner child was saying, in a very wet snotty fashion (she tends to come out in force when I drink too much. She also spends too much on booze) I realized that ultimately, I am happy here. Quite happy. I'm not ready to leave NV. As my wife said, I have only recently started calling this home.

I realized something else too. I am worth more than I have given myself credit for over the last 2 years. I wasn't fired for incompetance because I am incompetant, I was let go because I am competant. I am an excellent coordinator.  And that can be threatening to those who don't have faith in their own skills.

I like my job. I am comfortable here. But I also feel as though I am far more talented than I am given credit for. And I don't think that they will ever see me as more than the quirky little skater girl who rides around on a tricycle and pulls a wagon full of toilet paper. While that is who I am, I also know that I am more. The bosses have both been out of the office this week and I think that we have held it down really well. Not just me, all of us. The stuff that I miss, Paul has gotten. While I don't think for a moment that I could run this department, it might be time to go back to the other stuff I am good at. It's scary. I am comfortable. But it won't hurt to put out feelers. Thank goodness Poo reminded me that I am more than I have believed of myself. It's been fun to be challanged. And who knows, maybe after this week I WILL be taken a little more seriously. which would be cool because I would hate to have to give up my Radio Flyer.

A prayer

Dear, dear universe.

Last night was a tough night for cheese and I. we were both very tired. And it's really hot out. Even with the ceiling fan on. And the little fan he brought over was really loud so I had to get out of bed and turn it off and wake up Cheese.  I was so tired but my brain was on and my body was twitchy and it was hot so I had to get out of bed and take a half muscle relaxer and drink some water then crawl back in bed and wake up Cheese.Then the dogs played (I'm dog sitting) and licked themselvs and and for goodness sake panted for like, I don't know, an hour or something before I put them and their jingling dog tags out of the room.
Then as soon as I was in a nice deep sleep, someone started barking and they had to come back in. But now that he started, Chango had to woof for a bit before he finally quieted down and I was able to toss and turn my way into dreamland again before BARK!!
(holy crap are you serious?)
He had a crappy day, did Cheese, complete with a beer spill and a few wrong ways. I did pretty good but once he was gone, I slept for awhile since i don't have to be out of bed until three and a half hours after he is up and what do you know, the critters were quiet.

But please, oh universe, let the dogs sleep quiet tonight.

Horses and weaving and crafts O MY!

This weekend was awesome.

It started out with two of the friendliest, silliest horses I think I have ever met nibbling at my hands at the gas station as we set off on a journey this weekend.

Then, I got to take a little tour of Gilmore Looms. The owners were SUPER nice and shared not only the wonderful collection of handmade looms and other fibery goodness, but also the workshop, which runs some of the oldest working woodoworking tools I have every had the opportunity to witness. It was an amazing sight. Cheese had to practically drag me out of there. I said good bye to my 8 harness floor loom while there, it will go to a new home in Maine where it will recived far more love and use than I was able to give. In exchange for me driving it the 3 hours to Stockton, my new friend Dr E will send me a simpler loom, which I hope to make lots of woven treasures upon.

We then headed off to San Fransico to the Renegade Craft Faire which we had to go back to Sunday but that was just fine since I was able to pick up some fibery goodness from Traveling Rhinos. The owner? was the only person at the Faire I actually stopped to have a conversation with. We geeked out together over our love of spinning. I really enjoyed talking to her. I also picked up a couple of mugs from Skeletal Dropkick. I love to drink (everything) from handmade pottery and hers was especially fun and reasonably priced. I can't wait to make myself a caramel cappiccino! Too bad I can't drink out of more than one mug at a time!!

I also met Cheese's Father and (hopefully) future step mom this weekend. they were super nice and very hospitable. I think I found a soul sister in Grace (she is my kind of silly)  and common ground with his dad. At least I hope so.

It was a good weekend.

In July, I found my Kind

I tend to think that its funny and amazing and strange and exciting all at once how things come together and you get pushed around by the universe.

a few days ago, I tripped over Kind over Matter and have been lurking there ever since searching out the good things in the world and trying to banish some of the negativity. Then, I found a magazine, an old copy of O that talked about decluttering, something that I need to do badly.

It helped and I am now on a decluttering path complete with a schedule I made in microsoft project.

There was another nugget in there. an interview with a Buddist Monk that talked about Mindful living and being happy. I am practicing this whenever I remember.

This week I returned to the gym.

Last night I met with a webmaster. Cheese is giving me a new website for my birthday. while I was falling alseep, I started designing a sign for my booth so that when I attend that farmers market in the south end of town, people will know who I am.

I am excited by my business again. Daydreaming about business is so much better than daydreaming about hitting someone.

Speaking of, I almost hit someone the other night. Not the same person, she did not drive me crazy that night, someone else. But I left the track and skated it off instead. I took deep breaths. I tickled a handy puppy. (SO EFFIN CUTE!!!) I moved past my anger, then took a blow to the head hard enough that it's still sore today.(two days later)

I took a leave of absense from skating. My team doesn't bout until October, so now is the time. I am in a frame of mind to build my business and be excited about it. I need to take advantage of that. For my own sanity. I think it's a good move. It's about time I start making some good moves.

Tomorrow I will drop off my weaving loom to be shipped to it's new home in Maine. Then Cheese and I are heading to the Renegade Craft fair in San Francisco.

July ended well. And August is oozing with promise.

Do a good deed daily

Click here
 
 
Please click on that link. And Vote for Kellan. Vote every day. Kellan is the son of one of my dear friends. She is one of the best people I know. I am blessed to have her in my life.
 
Kellan was born with severe heart problems. winning this contest would help his mom pay off some of the bills from the surgeries he needed to keep him alive. You can see his scar in the photo. It's a good cause. and he's damn cute.
 
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Who is that?

I didn’t realize how negative I have become until I lay in bed last night thinking about someone I don’t like and how I would really like to punch her in the face. I lay there with adrenaline rushing through my body, wide awake and thought about whether it would hurt my hand. And what would happen after. What she would say that would give me the reason. In the span of a couple of seconds, I was ready to go to war.

Don’t get me wrong, I like to get all wound up about stuff. And I have learned that everyone needs a villain in their life (or so we think). Right now, she’s mine. And that’s ok. I don’t have to like her, I don’t HAVE to like anyone. BUT. I do have to act civilized. I expect that of myself. AND I DO have to go to sleep at night. And? It’s unhealthy. Draining my adrenaline on daydreams? Violent ones against another person? Wow. I’m pretty sure, that’s not me. Maybe a part of me, but not the one I want to nurture.

I forced myself to calm down. To think happy thoughts. To roll over, close my eyes, breathe deeply and (snore).

Today I tripped over a new (to me) blog that completely underlined how far away from who I am I have gotten. http//:kindovermatter.blogspot.com

I remembered a girl who used to collect quotes. Who aspired to set up a scholarship program aimed at helping people achieve their dreams. Like the 80 year old grandmother who has always wanted to learn ballet. Or the 10 year old who wants to be a trapeze artist. Little dreams. The ones you think are silly. A little dream of my own to help put a smile on the face of someone else.

I haven’t been completely evil. But I haven’t been as good as I want to be. I need to get back on track.

The ladies over at kindovermatter reminded me of this today. Through their card drop project, I am inspired to make and drop cards. Everywhere. Even in the shoe of that girl I don’t like.

There have been other little things too. Detroit Rock Kitty told us about something called the Nerd Fighters. They are, apparently, made of awesome and support nerdy causes. Like, donating books to poor folks who can’t afford them. And that website where you can loan money to entrepreneurs in developing countries. Why haven’t I done that yet? I heard about it over a week ago (another surfing stumble) am I really so wrapped up in my own world that I can’t spare ten minutes and 25 bux?

Wrapped up in my own world. That’s precisely what I am these days. And some of that? Is ok. I need to be able to work and pay my bills and all that. But there are people I haven’t talked to except through facebook in a long time. And by talk to them I mean that I occasionally comment on their status.

Excepting a little bit of time at the cabin for July 4th, I haven’t spun wool in forever. I haven’t met with my crafty group, I haven’t taken my dog to the park, I haven’t baked cupcakes.

In far too long.

While those things may seem like they are centered with me (and some are) they affect other people or critters too. The crafty group was formed so we could inspire each other. The dog needs to run. My friends get to eat the cupcakes.

Instead I spend my time thinking evil thoughts. I spend energy listening to gossip and other people’s drama.

I bet I would have the time to do the things I love if I used my energy more wisely. I want to start thinking up ways to bring a smile to people’s face instead of a broken to their nose.

Now that is the stuff to imagine to daydream myself to sleep.

Only at my house...

Can the Boyfriend leave a light on in the living room when he leaves at 3:30 am for work, keeping the bird from going back to sleep.

Since the bird thinks it's time to be awake, she starts talking to the dog.

Yhe dog, knowing he is supposed to be asleep, ignores her (actually, he ignores her most of the time) and wanders back up the hall to sleep in my room.

The combination of her chatter and his tonails clicking wakes be up at 4 am where I am too groggy to figure out that Cheese is long gone and the light needs to be turned off.

In short, I am a little tired because the bird kept me up by having a very loud converstation with the dog.

Those hated words

I don’t know which is worse, the fail or the flashback.
Today, I was unable to come through on a deadline for shirts for one of our derby teams. I feel bad, but can’t do anything about the fact that the vendor put a larger order before ours, that’s life and if I had to make a choice between a large order and a less than 20 (shirts, not soap. An order of 20 bars is HUGE for me) I’d push the small order.

That really doesn’t make me feel any better about it, of course.
When I informed the team captain, she sounded understanding, but said her girls would be pissed. Then she said those hated words.
“It is what it is”
Flashback to my relationship with the Cowboy, who described our affair with those words. The description was accurate. You and I both know it lasted longer than it should have, that I should have walked away when he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship instead of hoping for all those months that he would develop feelings for me. I’m not saying I would trade the time we spent together, or that I regret it, but I understand the reality of it now. The reality is exactly as he put it on that last day. I was more into it than he was. It was what it was.
I realized the other day that it’s been two years since that ended. I still think of him often and hope he is well. Like any old wound though, mostly healed but maybe not completely, it still stings at unexpected times. The scar gets itchy, or something catches the last remnants of a lingering scab and makes it bleed again.
Then I started to think about other things. Other frustrations, other issues. Burn out is a problem right now. I would take a little break but don’t want to lose my responsibilities. I don’t want to quit. I remembered after an evening back at the rink how much I love the sport when I am not slipping and sliding and fearing for life and limb against floor outlets and extension cords.
Growing pains I suppose. I miss the simpler times. When uniforms didn’t have to match and I didn’t have to worry if the building was going to run out of TP. When I didn’t think that perhaps Derby had completely taken over my life…

Awed

Ten months ago today I recieved an amazing gift. (coincedentally, it was my birthday) The Loan Shark and Sharkess signed the gift letter showing that they were going to gift me the down payment to my house.

I have been doing my best to send them as much money as I can ever since. Which hasn't been as much as I wanted.

Last week, the IRS sent me my refund check (even though they teased me and told me it would be 6 weeks, it arrived a couple of days later)

About 30 minutes ago, I arranged to pay the balance to the LS family. Then I scheduled a payment that would wipe out my credit card.

I think I have enough to cover the last two bills as well although I may choose to knock out one of them and leave myself a little cushion. i like cushions. I'm expecting to be debt free (again) within 3 months.

I know that in order to remain this way, I am going to have to change some habits. I am already working on those.

Last weekend, when Cheese suggested we hit Costco, I declined. I didn't need anything there and tend to spend. Today, there was a man on craigslist selling a shop full of tools for $700 bux. SUCH a good deal. I have it, I could do it. but i know they would sit in my garage until i get around to cleaning it. progress on that project is SLOW. really slow. And i would incur more debt via interest rates while my shop full of toold gathered dust.

I'm learning. I'm trying to curb my spending habits. permenantly, not just until i get another wild hair to buy something cool.

There is so much cool stuff to have...

Over the mountains and through the woods

Chickie came to visit. It was awesome. I had myself all wound up and excited. I didn't sleep the night before. We drank Ass Kickers and shared an Awful Awful and chatted and then we went to the National Bowling Stadium to watch her husband bowl.

Then the sleepy kicked in. And the tequila because an Ass Kicker is really just a giant, cheap margarita. with cheap tequila.

Go see what Chickie had to say about it here

This is becoming an epidemic when I meet other bloggers. No wonder I am rarely invited to those all blogger meetup things that happen periodically and I can't really afford to attend anyway so what am I complaining about...

Need effective communication

I know this is not the place to talk about it. I know that the right thing to do is to go directly to the source and pound it out of him. But when my indication that something may be wrong is a twitter tweet, I feel a little more justified in thinking it out here. It may not have been directed at me at all. It may have been his way of letting me know that he was upset about something without actually coming to me. I don't generally respond to his twitters unless it's though the website and public so I won't respond to this one.

Not pleased. Noticed something tonight. And not the first time. Either. ???????

Since the only place he had been was at practice with me, I feel ok in guessing that whatever it is he is not pleased about has something to do with me. But as far as I know, I behaved as I always do. Wifey certainly didn't notice anything odd.

If he has a problem, if he wants an explaination, all he has to do is ask. While I haven't told him everything, I also have not lied. I could sneak over to his blog and do a little spying and see if he has posted about whatever it is, but I told him I wouldn't. I haven't. I won't.

I will just have to wait. and wonder. and maybe then just stop worrying about it because there is nothing I can do if he doesn't tell me he has a problem. Not the internet. Me.

It's not easy being Cheesy

I don't think I have ever felt so sorry for any man I have dated than I occasionally feel for Cheese. Not in the way that it sounds. It is not an overall pity I feel, I feel bad that he has to deal with me.

Actually, he doesn't HAVE to deal with me, he chooses to. Most days, things are sun shiney and great. Every so often though, the scary comes out. Some of it I have control over, other, I don't.

I consider myself a decent cook. Or, maybe it's just that if I cook something nasty, I will eat it anyway because I'm the only one complaining. No so anymore. Now, I am feeding someone else sometimes, and I suddely find that everything is overdone (steak) or just plain funky (like the stuffed chicken I made for Valentines day where I realized too late I didn't have bread crumbs so I used graham crackers instead). The nights when dinner comes out fabulous? He was out on the road. Now that he's in town all the time, hopefully he will be able to eat good food instead of scary stuff.

In town all the time. which, sadly, means that I am not in as much of a panic to spend as much time as possible with him before he leaves again. On the nights we do have together, I try to make it a point to give him my mostly undivided attention but when he goes to bed, I don't go with him unless I have to be up early too. Years of living alone and setting my own schedule have made me forget sometimes that those moments right before bed are some of the most important ones of the day. it's the time when you relax together. Chat and giggle and settle in for the night. They are the kind of intimate moments you don't share with anyone but the people closest to you. At least I don't. 

Last night I looked up and realized that Cheese had gone to bed and I didn't remember saying goodnight. I realized that I should go in there and spend a little before sleep time with him. That's where it all went wrong.

It was dark in the bedroom. so I didn't see the dog who likes to sleep in front of the door if I am not in bed yet and next to the bed if i am in it. He's a black dog. Dark room.

I stepped on the dog.

Poor Little Guy gave a yelp. Which frightened me so I screamed too.

which woke up my soundly sleeping boyfriend.

have you ever woken up to the sound of screams? I hope not. I'm lucky we didn't frighten him to death. I can't afford to buy another mattress, I haven't finished paying for the one he was on!

I couldn't help it though. I started giggling once we had it all sorted out. which probably made it worse. Especially since he was too groggy and shocked to realize what was so funny.

I should stop trying to be nice.

I still love you. and want you. and need you.

How do I begin this post except with barely contained tears?

Most days I am ok. Lately it's been more difficult.

There are few people in my life who I have loved as deeply as my Becky.

We never called her Mom. We tried, once, just after they got married. But it didn't fit right. We had always called her Becky. She would always be Becky. OUR Becky.

I know she loves us like her own. And we love her the same. She is ours. And always will be.

I never knew then how much she made sure we had a relationship with our father who, I don't think, ever really knew what to do with two daughters. She did. We played with shrinky dinks. Lee Press on Nails. She washed our hair in the sink. She let us try on her rabbit fur coat.

They were a pair. But everything wasn't as perfect as I thought. I learned that as I got older. And even when their marriage ended, I knew it had nothing to do with us. I know she will always love us.

But she has stayed away. I think it's hard for her. I was looking forward to seeing her at my Seester's wedding, but she was a no show.

I later learned that her boyfriend asked that she not have anything to do with anything related to my father. Daddy, can be poisonous. Although I understand, it still hurts. But I respect it. I make no attempts at contact. I know I could track her down if I tried.

That doesn't mean that I don't still love her. That I wouldn't welcome her back into my life with happy tears and open arms. And right now, I could certainly use her wisdom.

In so many ways, I am walking in her shoes. In more ways I am glad I am not. There are so many questions I would like to ask her but I can't. It's been hard, lately, more so than before, to be without her. I hope she knows that I think of her every day. And that I am greatful for her example. I couldn't have asked for a better teacher.

The problem that shouldn't be

The trouble with social networking is that sometimes, people pop up and you may not want them to.

Like old flames.

The kind that didn't burn so bright.

But might still cause trouble.

If you parted friends, there should be no reason to say no.

Except yours aren't the only feelings you consider anymore.

And you feel like a hippocrite because there are other old flames. The kind that did have a bright burning flame.

So you ignore the request for now. And wonder if it is better to ask permission than beg forgiveness. And wonder why you think you have anything that needs forgiving.

Marriage Rant

You know I don't usually get political but the argument just wasn't logical
I tried to post this on facebook but it was too wordy.


So what you are saying is, that the sole purpose of marriage is for procreation. Does that mean that if you aren't going to procreate then you can't get married? Or say you found out that you can't have children. Does that mean you should get divorced? What if a same-sex couple got a donor and procreated. Then they should be have to get married, right? under the aforementioned logic? Or would the donator and the donatee have to get married? What about people who already have kids and don't want (or are beyond the age of having) more? Are you saying that THEY can't get married? Isn't that opening up the possibility of age discrimination too?
Sorry, Mr Lawyer for the defense, that argument doesn't hold water with me. It's all wet.

Conversations with Cheese

Me: My Crabs are still alive (insert smiley)

Cheese: What?!?!?!?!?!

Me: I thought I lost two

Cheese: Lost two? Crabs? Uh, What?

Me: Hermit crabs. Office pets. I thought you knew about them.

Cheese: Nope!! Got me all scared and lost and... Whew.
talking about appointment then crabs. And losing two. I was like, what? She has crabs and counts them. Weird. LOL. I understand now.

Me: I am SO blogging that conversation

Some background, I came into work today and one crab was not moving and the other didn't appear to be either. it took me all day to get up th ecourage to reach in there because I knew it was going to be gross. Both are large crabs. Since Wally was running around I knew he was fine.

I looked into the top of the tank and Chester was hanging almost all the way out. Still not moving. Spritzing didn't do anything. I picked up his shell, he fell out. I was like, EEW! But looked into the empty shell and there was Chester. He had molted. (YAY) Major is also fine. Phew. I'm still a good crab keeper.

More on the crabby subject: There is a philosphy out there that says that when you die, your pets will be waiting for you and you will cross the Rainbow Bridge together and have eternity to play.

What if you weren't a good pet parent? What if you die and your pets were mad at you? I have this terrible vision of being chased across the bridge by angry hermit crabs. Without the shell because they are SO MUCH creepier that way. I know I would have Chango and Baby to care for me, and many other pets, (That Pixl could do some damamge) but EEK! the Crabs! and the spiders! EEK!

The moral of the story, kids, is be a good pet parent...

The rest was smooth

I was greeted the next day with a hug, which was awesome. Well, a hug and a boob grab, but we can work on boundaries next time. Cheese said he didn't talk to her so she must have seen by the fact that he didn't leave her to go sleep with me that he wanted to spend time with her. I think she needed to see that he wouldn't always leave her at night to go be with me. The rest of the weekend went pretty good. Kidlet was mostly distracted by other kids and when she wasn't, we found things to occupy her. I even had her help package soap a little. She really seemed to like that. I told her that she can help trim when she is 6. That gives her a timeline. And I think by that time she will be old enough to safely handle a potato peeler. 

We talked, Cheese and I, (and it was good) during the time when Kidlet was at the party. It was nice to have a little bit of time alone with him without feeling guilty about having "pawned her off". All in all, I think we just need a balance. And I keep telling myself that it will be easier when he is local because we can get on a schedule. And those moments alone will be less precious because there will be more of them. We are talking about taking camping trips East so that we can spend time with her. Things might get a little off over the next month or so because the Ex has moved in with her parents until the baby comes and that means that any time he is in town she will expect him to have the kidlet. Thank goodness he is almost completely moved out of that house. I am hoping that she will come to understand that he needs a small amount of time to himself before he takes over kid duty. I don't think she does, but I am hoping. If he chooses to spend that time with me, then great, but if not, I understand that after several days of constant company, you need a moment of self time.

Yes, I know she needs it too. And that with kids, you don't get a lot of that. but I also think it's a lot to ask of a person to come in from work and immedietly take over kid duty until it's time to go back to work. Just sayin, that's all.

Yup, this next month should be interesting out here in Bananaland...

I don't know what hurt the most

Watching Cheese's daughter's face go from delight to dislike or hearing her say, "I thought you were my dad's...girlfriend, but you don't like to be called that"

All I could do was look at him and tell him they need to watch what they say around her.

Because I know that in her 4 year old mind what she really hears is, "You don't like my dad". It's not her fault. She doesn't understand things like baggage and taking it slow. And who knows what has been said about me in front of her. That she can't stay over at my house? That her dad wants to be with me instead of spending time with her?

Kids listen. They remember. And because they don't understand context and they don't know that there might be more to the story, they make up their minds about things based on the information they process.

Right now, there's a little girl sleeping a couple of miles away that doesn't like me very much. Knowing that makes me glad she was asleep when I got there. And even more glad that I'm not ok with staying over.

But tomorrow, I will have to take a deep breath and spend time with her knowing that she considers me competition for her dad's attention. I will have to know that even though I don't want to be, I am. And that when he drops her off for the party, she will think she's being left. again.

proceeding with caution.

Wanna see my evil side?

http://reasonsimgoingtohell.blogspot.com/

with my wifey.

sometimes, there might be reasons I'm NOT going to hell. I can't vouch for the wife there.

The other side of the story

I had the opportunity to see the other side of the story yesterday. The verdict?

Both parents need to grow up and learn to communicate. Because SO MUCH drama could be avoided that way.

There's not much I can do here.

She tries to force him to see the kid which makes him bitter, resentful, and stubborn. He needs to step up and be a dad whether he wants to deal with mom or not.

And I? will continue to watch, and listen, and form my own opinions. I already encourage him to put his daughter first. but I can't force him. And I won't try to maipulate him into it because it's not my job to punish him for making choices I don't agree with.

And I can be kind to that little girl.

I don't understand

It's cruel and unusual punishment to castrate serial rapists and child molesters.

But it is ok to force a woman making the difficult desision to have an abortion to look at ultrasound photos of her fetus or, if she turns her head, listen to a detailed description of it. Even in cases of rape and incest.

It breaks my heart to know that these women are being subjected to increased pain and punishment for a decision that will already weigh on them for the rest of thier lives. I know not all of them choose not to look. And the article said that none of them chose differently having seen.

But I still maintain that the choice to have a child should be a choice. And that no one should be punished for choosing not to.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37393531/ns/health-the_new_york_times

Je Suis

Actually, I pretty much failed French...

I had... I have, so much to say. About exes and attitudes. About learning how much fun you can have with someone just hanging around. About how precious a day or a night has become.

But the attitude, there's nothing I can do about it. Know that in her words, my relationship with Cheese sounds cheap and tawdry. And in her eyes I am selfish for standing up for what I believe in. And he is selfish for not spending half of his one or two days in town every couple of weeks driving to see his daughter. Or for wanting to spend one of those precious two nights with me if she is in town.

It's hard for me, this ugliness, because I was not raised this way. I am learning a lot about what I will and will not give on. And she needs to learn to be logical.

I would like to teach her (with my fist) that she can't have everything that she wants. That the world doesn't work that way. That she can no longer dictate who isn't hers to control. And that I will be nice, but not bullied.

And no, I will not hit her. (today) but I feel in my bones that one day she will push me too far.
I hope I am wrong about that. Never try to out bitch a nice girl. I only look like a doormat.

I am trying to take a deep breath and not waste my anger on someone who doesn't care if I am angry. In her eyes, it doesn't matter how I feel. Otherwise, there wouldn't be quite so many issues. And I am trying to remember that I promised myself that I should try to always be a lady. Which means I won't be typing the rest of what I am thinking.

The little things?

I was at Costco yesterday, noodling about, spending some time before I met up with the Rave guys at the Wreck Center.

As I was leaving the man checking receipts at the door mentioned that he'd been married for 46 years. And has brought home flowers every week for his wife even when she wasn't there.

And I realized that it's not the big things, the vacations and the diamond rings and fancy cars that matter, it's the little day to day things. Like a good morning phone call every day. Or your favorite ice cream in the freezer. Notes in your lunch box or silly messages in the mirror.

The little things that sometimes are hard to notice until they are gone. I've heard on more than one occasion, someone saying, that he or she just doesn't *blank* any more.

Maybe it's because they didn't think you noticed. Maybe you took it for granted. I think that's when things start to go down hill. when you don't feel appreciated anymore.

I know I have been making a little more effort to do those things. Like making sure there is anough leftover cookie dough for Cheese to have some of the cookies I made. Or being available to meet the ravers so that my wife didn't have to.

SO many of those things used to be automatic. But I didn't feel appreciated. and so I stopped. I hope the people in my life know how much I appreciate them.

Two year commitment

I can say, till I'm blue in the face that I do not have a problem with commitment, but we all know that I would be lying outright and that just isn't right. plus, there is no reason.

Frankly, while the idea of a commitment doesn't scare me, the actual thought of telling someone that I am not going to change my mind about them does. I am a fickle bitch. A VERY fickle bitch. I am also the opposite. Once I pick someone out, I want to keep them. Often to my detriment because thus far, the ones I pick are broken. Because I have a broken picker. We've been through this. A lot.

Yesterday I made a triple commitment. It seemed to be the only way to get what I wanted.

1. I committed to The phone company on a new line and subsequently
2. Comitted to my business by getting a dedicated cell phone. I needed a local number so that people would take me seriously.
3. I committed to Cheese. Strange how that all goes together. I don't know which one is the scariest. But here is how it happened...

I decided to add another line to my cell phone account so that I have a Reno number to go along with my Reno address. that way I look more legit.
Apparently you can't have two numbers going to one phone so I started looking at the free phones that would come with my new line. It just got complicated from there. With the input of Cheese, I considered all sorts of new and interesting options. Iphones, Droids, Blackberries... BUT WAIT!! I don't use that stuff. I don't want to add that much money to my budget. And I don't need the internet to eat up more of my time than it already does.
So I picked out a phone that was a little fancier than what i have (will switch out the sim cards later) and moved forward.
BUT WAIT! Can't have a 775 AND a 619 because of the way the Gov'mint split up the AT&T monopoly. which means I would have to switch my number to a 775. And I don't want to. which I might have considered declaring "silly" and something to get over except that the sales guy recommended that I keep that account; I get a really good discount.
In swoops Cheese. If he adds the acount to his account, it will lower his bill. I will have all the things i need and it's highly unlikely that we will use up all the minutes because neither of us uses the phone that much and if I DO start using that line that much, holy crap, it will be awesome.

Now to get the website in order... Kinda wish I could "afford" to skip practice tonight...

What? Two posts in one day?

I'm thinking facebook is probably tired of hearing updates on how filthy my house is.

I had a brilliant idea the other day. Actually, it was sometime last week, but I digress.

You see, the bunny situation, while improved, is still pretty nasty. Oliver, bless him, likes to sit in his litter box. and his lovely silvery fur soaks up all the pee he sits in all the live long day. Totally gross. Compounding this is the fact that I use feline pine litter. Everything else sticks in his fur OR it's extra stinky. The feline pine masks the odor of bunny a little bit longer. But only a little. Cheese finds the whole situation rather nasty. I do too, but Oliver is my critter and therefore I clean up after him. Or try to. Messy little fucker.

Inspiration hit. I, in my infinite wisdom, will use PUPPY PADS to soak up the bunny urine and Oliver will get clean and shiny and I will want to snuggle him and it will all be MUCH easier to clean, right?

Oliver ate the paper. He is now covered in the absorbent and baking soda mix they put in those puppy pad things and I, will be hitting the pet store tomorrow for a new bag of feline pine.

Edit:
Apparently, Yesterday's news now offers a bunny specific option. We shall have to see how that works...

merrily we roll along

In between tormenting the dog with the swiffer and donating stem cells, things have been going pretty good.

I'm enjoying my time with Cheese, and although I still struggle sometimes with my issues, I appreciate him more and more. Which is good. I even refer to him as my boyfriend even though I still trip over the word. stupid labels.

I'm doing my best to get back into the swing of derby. I took nearly a month off from skating due to slight burn out and travel and my ass shows it. It's going to take me at least a month to get back into the condition I was in, and frankly, I think it might take longer since I have been a little lazy at practice. I think I was hurt or something, I can't remember.

Work is going ok. This was an unusually stressful week full of fuck ups and frustrations. But since Monday, each day as gotten better and I keep reminding myself that I just have to adapt and grow and do the best that I can.

Speaking of growing, my dust bunnies are. And they are made out of real bunny so I'd better get back to the swiffer or at least, clean the bunny cage.

Opportunity knocked

Cheese, sometime last week, started a blog. I had explained to him that my blog is a place where I can get the things out of my head that I need to get out. He thought he would try it.

He challenged me to find it. The other night, I asked for a hint and he gave me the key.

I don't know if I have mentioned that he already found this little slice of internet (to steal a phrase from Miss Britt) and I asked him not to read it. The difference is, that I didn't tell him where I was, he went out and found it. As far as I know, he hasn't read a word.

I found his. I started to read. He briefly asked me to stop then gave me the go ahead. It didn't take me long to finish since he deletes almost as fast as he posts.

What I found there nearly ripped me in two.

I found a man in whose shoes I have walked many, many a time. I have worn them. I have waded in them. I have wallowed and slept and been blistered and scarred by them.

Only this time though, this time was different.

The pain described wasn't from someone in his past, it was me.

I've never really had the opportunity to see myself so clearly through someone elses eyes before. To learn how my confusion leads to hurt and confusion. I always thought I hid it better than that. I read his descriptions of me, and how he defended me against his own words. I heard myself in his voice. So many, many times. All of his posts were about me.

And knew that I have treated him, without meaning to, the way every man who has ever hurt me treated me. I heard the echo of insecurity. The whisper of hoping for more. The ghosts of the ones I don't talk about. The memories of the ones that I do.

It has all left me cracked. And dishing out the treatment that broke me.

I was shocked. And hurt. If I were his friend, I would hate me. If I were a stranger, I would tell him to run away and find someone real and strait forward. I would tell him that there are plenty of nice women out there who will treat him better and with whom he can count on their feelings. If I were a friend or a stranger reading his words, I would think of myself as a person who would treat him better. I would think myself better than me.

But now I see myself in a different light. It is stark. Harsh. Cruel to my imperfections and revealing of my dents and dings. I feel stripped naked. Low for hurting the way I have been hurt. Ripped apart and left pulsating on the sidewalk.

I am not angry at him. I am angry with myself. He, apparently shares my affliction of seeing the good in people. Of seeing how he could be treated if only I were whole.

I thought about both options. About where to take it from there. My first thought was to walk away. To set him free to find someone who will treat him right. Better.

Or I could give it more effort. Stick some bondo in my dents and treat him the way I know I can. Offer him the same courtesy he has given me and try. I know I'm not going to change over night, but I could put in some effort. And, like always, if it doesn't work, I can't say that I didn't try.

But above all else, I want to stop hurting him because I only think of myself. And how life is affecting me. I'm not sure when I became so selfish, but it won't hurt me to stop.

Reading his words gave him a whole new dimention. I am intrigued. And that is a good thing.

The next day, he said that he had reread his postings and decided that it would be better if I didn't read the rest. I let him know that he was too late; that I had already read it all. That I wasn't angry. That it was a good thing.

I definately needed that wake up call.

I don't get it

So, apparently, there's this trend about regarding brass knuckles. My friends, they are into it. And I can understand in the case of the Mafia Mollies (one of the teams in the Reno Roller Girls league) being as because you know, they are gangster themed and all, but I don't really get it otherwise.

And that's fine, I'm into many things that most people just don't "get". Like my deep and abiding love of Mr Potato Head. Difference is, I suppose, that Mr Potato Head has never broken anyone's face and it isn't a felony to collect him.

That's not the point. I recently splurged on a button maker. That's right. I can make buttons, bottle openers, mirrors, all sorts of pointless shit people can't seem to live without. I bought the maker so that I could make schwag for my favorite derby league and maybe other people too. You know, because I don't have enough hobbies. I think it will be a good advertising medium for Bubbly Creations too; when I can afford to buy mirror backs.

That is also not the point. I was designing the buttong for said Roller Derby league. I got the Stiff Broads. I got the Bang Bang Betties. I am working on the Mafia Mollies. Their captain said that she would like just their name and a pair of brass knuckles.

I googled.

I found the usual. Nothing sur.. What the fuck? I found brass knuckleswith quartz crystals sprouting out of the top of them. With TEETH embedded in them. As the handles of guns and umbrellas (actually, the umbrella was kind of cool) Boot heels and patterned with Hello Kitty. Candle holders. Cork screws.Purse handles and tattoos. SILICONE IMPLANTS OVER SOME LADY'S CHEST. but worst of all, I think, was this...

If you are picking me out of a lineup, you are too late

Cheese's daughter was in town again this weekend. Since he had been gone for a week, he discussed scheduling with her mom ahead of time so that he could spend time with both of us. Friday night with me, and Saturday night with her. And the days, of course, were hers.

Since I wanted to spend time with Cheese, I also spent time with her and we had a nice time. We ran some errands and watched a couple of movies, and prepared for the Easter BBQ planned at the House of Cheese. Since I was forewarned of her visitation, I did not freak out in the least at spending 2 strait days with a 4 year old and I simply said , "thank you" when she told me (and often) that she loves me. ( EEK!)

I did not stay the night at his house Saturday night even though I was invited because I still think it inappropriate for the Mini One to be seeing us sleeping together and such.

Fast forward to Sunday. The ex has decided to stay another day so Cheese asked her if it would be ok if he spent the night with me. He was very polite about it and definately gave her the option to say "no". She was ok with it which was really cool. He's off again this morning for who knows how long so it was nice to get a little bit of alone time in.

But at some point, when I wasn't hearing she asked. She asked if the MO could go to my house with him.

He explained to her (again) that I am not comfortable with that. He backed me up and said that I didn't want to get too attached too soon in case things don't work out between us. She replied (and with an understandable point) that if this was the case, I shouldn't have met MO at all.

We all know I agree with that, but things sometimes happen that are out of my control (heaven forbid!! lol)

Then she said one of the most horrible things I have ever heard.

She said that the reason she is ok with MO staying at my house is that she has met me and knows she could pick me out of a police lineup.

I am horrified. Not because she is talking about me being in a police lineup but because I am aware of a bone chilling truth.

If you are picking me (or anyone!!) out of a lineup, it's too late. Your kid has already been hurt. There has already been damage done that may have been prevented if you had just made a different choice. Identifying me in a lineup, seeing justice done would not bring back her innocence or worse, her life.

No, I am not a complete stranger. My face is known and (mostly) trusted in the household. And I would NEVER harm that child. never. But I like to pretend I'm one of the good guys. And I can't believe that anyone would consider it safe for their child to be at someone's house just because they can pick them out of a lineup. Because it's not just strangers that pose dangers.

And no. Being bosom buddies and life long friends doesn't make me safe either. and yes, I am safe. And no, it's not like MO would be left alone with me.

It's the thought. The thought that I (or anyone) is safe because I am known. Because I would be recognized...

shudder.

It's looking like real. And scary

Among the million kazillion other things I have going on, there is something new to add to my list of WTF.

I recieved a phone call the other day. It turns out that the recipient I was matched to back in 2003 needs my stem cells now. 7 years later.

I never argue with a Sicilian when death is on the line.

It's all well and good to think, "oh boy! I'll never miss a few stem cells!" Until you start reading through the paperwork and disclaimers. And start thinking about the physical. And the injections.

I fly South on Wednesday to have a physical. It will likely be the most comprehensive one i have ever had. I am scared. I feel healthy, but what if they find out I have cancer? or Herpegonesyphyaides which might be even worse since I'd have to start calling ex partners to tell them to get their asses tested. You never know. It's a scary world out there.

I can perseverate on the what ifs all day, but in the end, I will be on a plane on Monday morning and they likely won't find anything more than a vitamin deficiency since I skate my minerals away and live on cupcakes. I will be back on Monday afternoon.

Then the injections begin. injections that will raise my level of stem cells so they can be sucked out. The warnings on the paperwork are scarier than bungee jumping. It's not going to be as easy or painless as I thought. Headaches and bone pain, swelling and a bleeding spleen. I need my spleen. But... I can live without it if I have to. (dear god don't let me lose my spleen! I still have my tonsils and wisdom teeth for goodness sake!)

I think the scariest part is where I have to fly south again and SIT STILL for 4 to 6 HOURS while they filter those precious cells out again. sit. still. still. I don't sit still. Will I get to use my hands? If I can use my hands I can knit. Or read. I'm pretty sure embroidery is out. Maybe there will be ice cream. Ice cream makes everything better.

Minor discomfort. Somebody's life. I don't really think there is anything to consider, do you?

Been totally intending to post

I have excuses.

No internet at home. I fixed that yesterday but for some reason it's still wonky.

Not much to report. You know I tend to write when I need to get things off my chest and that can often be dangerous for a budding relationship. Cheese knows about the blog and is choosing not to read. He's happy where things are and doesn't want to do anything that might upset that. I am trying to make sure I tell him whatever needs to be told rather than letting him learn accidentally.

Things with Cheese (long story. know that he isn't stinky) are going good. I'm still enjoying his company and he is still treating me very well. Last night, he brought flowers, cooked dinner, and helped me by taking photos of my soap so I can work on re doing the bubbly website.

I often worry that I don't give back nearly what he gives.

This is not to say that everything is perfect. I don't think there is any such thing. I'm still getting used to his daughter who, I would have preferred not to have met yet. But I couldn't very well have told him that kids were invited, except his. It's not a reflection on him, or a reflection on her, I just think it's important to not enter and exit a kids life quickly.

And beyond that, being in a relationship is taking some getting used to. I'm having trouble, as usual, with the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" Cheese knows that I have a mental block with them, and he doesn't seem to be hurt that I don't use them. It's taking me a long time to transition from single and living in my own little world to including someone else. concern for a kid will have to take more time. Hearing "It's Daddy's Girlfriend!" when I walked through the door a couple of weeks ago was enough to nearly send me running. spending the whole weekend with a 4 year old had me seriously reconsidering.

When her mother decided that it would be ok for her to stay at my house, I put my foot down.

Too much, too soon. And selfish me says, I don't care if her mom wants to sleep in, so do I, and I work 40+ hours a week. My weekends are mine. There are reasons why i don't have children, sleeping in till 9 on a Saturday and not having to worry about anyone but meself is one of them. When I'm ready to add a kid to the mix, I will do so. And will have plenty for her to do and eat. (she had a slice of cheese while at my house. It was the only kid friendly food I had)

Yes, I know I sound selfish. And I will admit that I am. But at the same time, I made it very clear when I first learned of Cheese's daughter that I don't have a problem with kids, but that I didn't want to meet her until a great deal of time had gone by. A couple of weeks after his and my initial meeting, I met her. A couple of weeks after that, she's got permission to stay at my house. That is hardly taking it slow.

Luckily, Cheese understands and doesn't get upset with me when I say things like, "no she may not meet my family". That I'm just not ready for that. He can meet my family, I don't have issues with that because it's not a big deal for me. My family is me, split into many. But i don't think it's good idea to throw kid into the mix until we've been together long term. Like, many months not one or two. i haven't talked to anyone about it that didn't agree, and thankfully,Cheese is willing to take things as slow as I want to and doesn't try and force the issue.

so time ticks on.

My house is still awesome. I'm still living paycheck to paycheck but once I get off my lazy ass and do my taxes, I will be able to alleviate much of that issue. and I will be able to relieve the stress of knowing that I still owe the Loan Shark although they have been awesome and have never mentioned it. I'm looking forward to planting the garden in the spring, and have started gathering seeds for the rest. My bulbs are coming up nicely and I am hoping that they will bloom while my family is here this weekend. With the support and encouragement of Cheese, I am working on my business again; reading marketing books and investing time into it. It's awesome to have that support. I started rebuilding my website, from scratch last night, using a program on my Mac. I found online shoping carts that I can plug in that might be easier for me to use and update. I hope. Being HTML ignorant and handicapped makes it tough to be in the internet sales business! BUT. I'm not going to let that stand in my way. Anymore.

Quote of the Day...

Dad: Pull up your pants

Son: But your pants sag!

Dad: That's because I'm fat and I have a belly that pushes them down. Now pull up your pants.


I love my coworkers.

continuing...

still getting to know the same boy. I'm enjoying his company and his attention. It's been a really long time since someone was so blatantly interested. In a very flattering way not a creepy way. No mixed signals, no waiting for him to call. Just lots of communication and what I hope is honesty. It feels like honesty. We will see. I have no reason to think otherwise.

Wishy Washy

today I am ok with the idea of continuing to get to know a boy. not biblically.

I'm probably being an asshole about it. In an hour, I might be back to wanting to hole up with my critters and knit. But for the right now, I don't see how it can hurt to hang out with new people regardless of gender.

Sigh

Operation "get over it" seems to be failing miserably. I am considering a total abort not because there aren't nice guys out there, I have been spending time with one, but because this doesn't seem to be the best way to go about things when I just don't seem to be that interested. Maybe it's the person. Maybe it's me. Either way, I don't want to do to anyone what the Cowboy did to me; be in limbo-with-possibility and then one day, after many, many months say, despite our good times and easy conversations, despite my attraction, I'm not into you.

Although I stayed, knowing full well the situation I was in and that it might not turn out the way I wanted, he also waited 8 months to end it. He had to have known all along. I think he tried for all the wrong resons.

I don't want to do that to anyone. It hurt a lot. It still does, just not every day like it did before. I would rather be alone and to pretend to be into someone for any reason.

And soon. There has been no progression beyond a quick hug at my car at the end of a date, which is great(!) because I don't want to jump into anything. I think that lesson finally soaked in. (I hope) But I have a feeling that in another date or two, he's gonna start maybe looking for kisses. and I just don't want to go there.

Simpler times

I miss the simpler times. When "dating" was easy.

When if you liked a boy and he liked you, you sat next to each other on the carpet during story time and that made him your boyfriend. There was no pressure from your friends to hook up, there was no first date anxiety or worry that he might kiss you because kissing was gross. There was no waiting by the phone to see if he would call because he didn't call. You weren't allowed to call anyone but Grandma or maybe the kid next door to come out and play.

And there was no "Let's just be friends" or "Sorry, I'm not into you" conversations because chances were, you'd forget each other existed over the summer or you'd be in different classes the next year.

And, no one asked, ever, why you are still single. Date #2 asked me that via text the other day. I told him it's because I haven't found a man who can put up with my snoring and super long toe nails. He asked how long and how loud...

I realize that this isn't a way to create a lasting relationship, and for goodness sake, it doesn't really work that way for adults, but I really do miss the simplicity of the concept.

Anyone want to bet on how long it takes me to get tired of dating this time? I'm thinking, not very long.

A Record? I really can't remember

Three dates in three days with three different men. YIPES!

I don't want to do that every week.

I've already mentioned date 1. Date two was nice. He's fun. Date 3, maybe there will be a second date, we shall see. He leaves Monday for Vegas on business for 3 months so to me, well, that's a long time. Oh wait, tomorrow is Monday. I don't do long distance.

No, that's not right. Date 1 was on Tuesday. but it still might be a record. I don't think I need to break it.

Now, where did I leave that knitting pattern? I want to finish those slippers.

shaking my head

I really need to quit posting when I am angry or upset or hurting.

or all of the above.

I hyperextended my hands at practice (again. it's been a few years...) tonight. yay.

Dove in.

I went on a date this evening.

Fear prevents me from writing more since I am so easily found.

But I dove in. And the water was warm.

Stellar!

I was catching up on the news on Friday morning when an article caught my eye. It was something about adults with ADHD and how it affects their lives. Even since I took my first internet "DO you have ADD" test, I have recognized the symptoms in myself. When my counselor, so many years ago, asked me if I thought I had it (after talking to me for about 10 seconds...) I told her that the internet says I do, but that I am hesitant to self diagnose.

Many of the symptoms are there though and have been. Reading through my childhood report cards is enough to show a classic case during a time when children were rarely diagnosed with the condition (as opposed to now when they are diagnosed all the time!) "Gina has trouble focusing" "Gina daydreams a lot" "Gina would be a great student if she would stay on task" Even now I have moments when I am focused and moments when I just let myself do things in the order that they happen. I walked into the living room yesterday to discover that I had gotten distracted from my task of winding the vacuum cord. It sat half finished in the middle of the floor.

This is not the point however. The article talked about some of the psychological issues that accompany the syndrome. Feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, occasional depression.

Just when I was asking myself, "Dude! When did I get to be so damn needy??" there was an answer. I'm not saying that it IS the answer, I'm saying that now, when I'm feeling low or I'm getting all nutty because I haven't heard from my wife in a day (oh my goodness! is she mad at me? what did I do?), I can ask myself if I'm being valid or if I'm chemically funny. And maybe I will be able to need less and be normal. (they say this stuff can worsen with age and hormone fluctuations) I don't want meds, I have learned to deal with my difficulties but it never occurred to me that there may be a valid reason I go wacko every so often. Even if I try to hide it.

Meanwhile, I had a wonderful weekend! I skated a little on Friday night, and was able to reach the goal of 100 laps in 20 minutes on my first try (100 laps in 17.38 and I didn't even push! but I did get tired) I spent the day Saturday cleaning house and then Wifey, BIL, and Toxic came over. We watched movie and ate pizza, drank beer and hot buttered rum, ate cheesy poofs and hostess cupcakes... It was fantastic. Today I puttered about, went shopping (but didn't buy), made breakfast (not in that order) I can't remember when I had such a relaxing time. I am greatful for it.

It was a stellar weekend.

Just keep swimming...

I'm not sure where this week went. I didn't skate much, I know I went to work. I tried to spend some time at home, but here it is, Friday and I don't really remember Monday.

I think it's safe to say that things have been nuts. getting the warehouse ready to skate hasn't taken as much of my time as it has a few others, but I have been trying to pitch in when I can. It's the management part of things that has been wearing me out I think. Trying to come up with solutions that keep everyone happy. I know that's impossible. I feel caught in the middle. I finally snapped yesterday and told another board member that I needed her to stop. Because all of her input was making it that much more difficult and that I had been rendered into "an ineffective smiling asshole".

The visual made me laugh, but when I think of how often in the last week or so my only answer was to smile and bite my tongue, how often someone came to me with a wonderful idea and I had to tell them I can't make that kind of decision on my own, I want to scream. People who don't know me, and who don't know that this is not the way I like to operate. People who do know me and who are probably wondering what crawled up my ass. Why I can't give a strait answer, and what the hell is taking me so long.

Monday night I thought about walking away. handing it all over and letting someone else handle it. Someone who will ask for help and advice and who plays the game better than I do. Or maybe someone who isn't concerned about how everyone else feels and who won't allow anyone to make her feel bad about herself and the decisions she does make.

I think I just need to skate. Hard, long, until I'm worn out and stop having trouble sleeping because there's too much to think about. Till I'm dripping with sweat and bleeding on the rough concrete. It felt so good to roll last night. I didn't get enough of it. It won't make me think less, but it will make me feel better physically.

Maybe tomorrow.

I miss my house too. The puppy butt has spent too much time in his kennel this week. Did I count 17 hours for him in there on Monday? I know I was up for 21. Maybe more. I got to the point where I couldn't count the hours any more and I still couldn't sleep. Sending texts back and forth with a friend until I realized that I had to be up and ready for work in 5 hours and I had to at least pretend to sleep so I could function the next day. Then wishing I hadn't ended the conversation because I was wide awake and at least I was able to snooze a little in between the replies. That friend has been silent ever since. Which isn't strange, but it is. I'm trying not to think about it. Trying not to worry about it. Sadly, that is not in my nature. But I still have to stop it. I can't worry about that anymore.

Manic. I think that's the best way to describe it. But I can be Manic at home as long as I can focus at work.

How the hell do I think I can add dating if I can't even handle what I've got? Maybe trying is a mistake. (here we go again) Not that there's anyone asking, but how do I think I can add another person? Or is it the trying that makes me feel better about being single? Or is it all about breaking the cycle?

c wrote back the other day. his girlfriend moved in and they are happy and cozy and even though that was over a long time ago it still hurt. I can't decide if it's because she's parked where I used to park or if it's because he's managed to move on and find someone special and I keep failing. I'm happy for him. I would never begrudge someone their happiness.

I'm trying, I swear. I try to accept things the way they are. I try to make good choices. When I catch myself stuck on someone who isn't stuck on me, I try to move on. One might say I try too hard, but it's who I am. I try to go with the flow but sometimes, the flow stops and I can either tread water or swim a little. I guess right now I just can't tell if I'm swimming upstream or down.

Worn out

and it's only Monday.

I should really go to bed but I worry that I won't sleep through the night. Derby has me emotionally worn too with politics.

and I just realized that Chango was not in his kennel from 7:30 am to 9:30 pm today. No. He was in there from 4:30 am to 9:30 pm. he's a good boy though. But it solidified my vote on the dogs/no dogs question at the warehouse.

And I think that's all I have for now.

The beat goes on

Ah. A new year. But what has changed? Nothing. Everything. I've been working on a few things.

1. Me. I know that's not new. but there are a few things about which I have needed an attitude adjustment. And I am actively working on that. First step, I've started perusing the personals again. I can't keep wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It's a bad habit. One I have wanted to stop for a very long time. This isn't the first time I haven't let go when I should, but I want to let go sooner than I have before. Somehow. I'm not good at this. It hurts. But I know it's healthy. And I am a better friend when I don't let attraction get in the way. And I made myself a promise that I wouldn't be "that" girl anymore after Hi5. You know, the one that is all neurotic and mopey (I hide it well) because people aren't behaving the way I want them to. Like I told Wifey, I deserve better than what I have been accepting as ok. Better than I have been allowing myself to be treated over the last few years. Not because I am anything special, but because I am human. Even though I like to pretend I'm not. And I do have feelings even though I like to pretend I don't. It's been 4 years since I have been in a "real" relationship. 5 since I felt secure in one. That's more than 1/3 of my adult life. I'm not ok with that. And the only way to change it is to get out there and look and go on dates and try. Waiting has never worked. I always end up heartbroken when whomever turns up with someone else. And no one has ever asked me to wait. So that's on me. The last person who told me he wasn't ready to be in a relationship is marrying the girl who became his girlfriend a month later in May. Although I was over him long ago, the situation will always hurt. It's not gonna be an easy wedding to attend.

2. We got a warehouse! Actually, it's an old grocery store. But it's awesome! We've been working day and night to get it ready for skating and such. It's scary. It's awesome. It's gonna be a lot of work. But worth it, I think.

3. I unpacked most of the craft room today! OMG! So many boxes! I still have some totes and a lot of organizing, but I am proud of myself for doing it. I know I will continue to find boxes that need unpacking but I also know that most of it is done and I can get started on the garage. Or maybe let Mandrew do it. He's been bugging me about it for months. LOL. Freak. Bless him for wanting to organize, I can't always do it on my own, I get overwhelmed easily. Most importantly, I'm putting my life physically in order; something I have neglected for awhile. I'm not sure where the motivation went, but I hope it lasts.

4. I signed up for a craft swap today. I haven't done one in a long time. Over a year, I think. Derby and work have pulled all of my extra energy away. I have allowed them to do this and it's time to balance my life. Find time for the other things I love.

Little changes. They feel good. Healing, progress, change. Whatever you want to call it I think it's good. Pray that the momentum continues and I don't get distracted.