Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 2

You would think, that this wasn't my choice by the way I have been carrying on. I hardly ate yesterday, barely slept last night and wandered around my house most of the day at a loss for what to do with myself and crying. In short, I am in mourning.

Today I feel a little better but keep thinking of the things I will miss. Like the good morning text message every morning or notes on my car. Sometimes both.

I don't want to be an asshole or an idiot though. This was what I wanted after all. I struggled with it for months watching as my roller coaster of emotions took him on way too many ups and downs as well. Over the last couple of weeks, we hardly saw each other as he gave me plenty of space and I took all the space I could get. And when we were together, we made very little attempts at intimacy, rarely kissing or snuggling. I can blame the fact that I was sick for a time, or I can recognize that I was probably pulling away.

Either way, I could have treated him better. He was the one who did everything right while I? Ate it up and wanted to know why I didn't feel more.

For once, I am taking the advice and giving it some time. Who knows how I will feel in a week or a month. It's too soon to know what I want and certainly not fair to play with his feelings. I've already done too much of that. Over the last 8 months, I behaved as a person I don't much care for.

And that is what it came down to. I want him to be with someone who can love him in return. Someone steady and kind. Who will spoil him as he spoils her. Who will love his daughter instead of avoiding her. I know I am capable of giving so much more of myself and of my time and I didn't. Perhaps I am going through a selfish time, perhaps it wasn't as good of a match as it could have been. Either way we are both hurting. the only fix for it is time.

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