update

6 days and I am feeling better than I was last week! Cheese and I are not communicating at all right now with the exception of working each others frontiervilles and sending gifts thourgh the game, which, I do for all the people I play with so it's not a romantic gesture or anything.

It's not that there are mean feelings, it's that I need separation to help with perspective and I feel he needs seperation to avoid confusion. The last thing I want to do is confuse him or give him false hopes. I also don't want to slip back into old habits. I know how easy it is to do that. I took Wifey's advice and quit receiving twitter updates via my phone (they were breaking my heart), but did not agree that I should stop following him all together. She said it is like when I unfriended B on facebook. But Cheese never lied to me. We are still friends. And when it's safe, I can see and hang out with him again. By safe, I mean that when I know what I want.

I keep telling Cheese that he did the best that he could, that he did nothing wrong, that I know he gave it everything he had. He is full of romantic gestures of the 80's movie variety, the kind that should make a woman melt and go running into his arms. I wish I could say that I did that. I wanted so much to feel for him the way he feels for me. I have dissected myself so often over the last 8 months that its a wonder the scars aren't visible. But despite his kind and generous nature, I grew increasingly distant. That is why I finally understand how the Cowboy felt. I think he really tried to care about me too. But he couldn't grow feelings for me beyond fondness and an appreciation for me as a person. It's nice to finally have that understanding.

I hope I have not broken him in the same way I was broken, but I fear that might not be possible.

I've been doing well otherwise though. Thursday night was super productive as I started, continued, but never finished several projects. Tonight I have a bout, so that should be interesting. I wish I cold just show up and skate tonight but my team is gathering to get ready together and I would be an asshole if I didn't join them. I'm just not really feeling it today, I guess. The way I am feeling right now, I'd skip it all together if I could. But, that is not an option and I will be here, smiling and skating my ass off. I can relax more tomorrow.