Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Who is that?

I didn’t realize how negative I have become until I lay in bed last night thinking about someone I don’t like and how I would really like to punch her in the face. I lay there with adrenaline rushing through my body, wide awake and thought about whether it would hurt my hand. And what would happen after. What she would say that would give me the reason. In the span of a couple of seconds, I was ready to go to war.

Don’t get me wrong, I like to get all wound up about stuff. And I have learned that everyone needs a villain in their life (or so we think). Right now, she’s mine. And that’s ok. I don’t have to like her, I don’t HAVE to like anyone. BUT. I do have to act civilized. I expect that of myself. AND I DO have to go to sleep at night. And? It’s unhealthy. Draining my adrenaline on daydreams? Violent ones against another person? Wow. I’m pretty sure, that’s not me. Maybe a part of me, but not the one I want to nurture.

I forced myself to calm down. To think happy thoughts. To roll over, close my eyes, breathe deeply and (snore).

Today I tripped over a new (to me) blog that completely underlined how far away from who I am I have gotten. http//

I remembered a girl who used to collect quotes. Who aspired to set up a scholarship program aimed at helping people achieve their dreams. Like the 80 year old grandmother who has always wanted to learn ballet. Or the 10 year old who wants to be a trapeze artist. Little dreams. The ones you think are silly. A little dream of my own to help put a smile on the face of someone else.

I haven’t been completely evil. But I haven’t been as good as I want to be. I need to get back on track.

The ladies over at kindovermatter reminded me of this today. Through their card drop project, I am inspired to make and drop cards. Everywhere. Even in the shoe of that girl I don’t like.

There have been other little things too. Detroit Rock Kitty told us about something called the Nerd Fighters. They are, apparently, made of awesome and support nerdy causes. Like, donating books to poor folks who can’t afford them. And that website where you can loan money to entrepreneurs in developing countries. Why haven’t I done that yet? I heard about it over a week ago (another surfing stumble) am I really so wrapped up in my own world that I can’t spare ten minutes and 25 bux?

Wrapped up in my own world. That’s precisely what I am these days. And some of that? Is ok. I need to be able to work and pay my bills and all that. But there are people I haven’t talked to except through facebook in a long time. And by talk to them I mean that I occasionally comment on their status.

Excepting a little bit of time at the cabin for July 4th, I haven’t spun wool in forever. I haven’t met with my crafty group, I haven’t taken my dog to the park, I haven’t baked cupcakes.

In far too long.

While those things may seem like they are centered with me (and some are) they affect other people or critters too. The crafty group was formed so we could inspire each other. The dog needs to run. My friends get to eat the cupcakes.

Instead I spend my time thinking evil thoughts. I spend energy listening to gossip and other people’s drama.

I bet I would have the time to do the things I love if I used my energy more wisely. I want to start thinking up ways to bring a smile to people’s face instead of a broken to their nose.

Now that is the stuff to imagine to daydream myself to sleep.

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