Thursday, March 18, 2010

Been totally intending to post

I have excuses.

No internet at home. I fixed that yesterday but for some reason it's still wonky.

Not much to report. You know I tend to write when I need to get things off my chest and that can often be dangerous for a budding relationship. Cheese knows about the blog and is choosing not to read. He's happy where things are and doesn't want to do anything that might upset that. I am trying to make sure I tell him whatever needs to be told rather than letting him learn accidentally.

Things with Cheese (long story. know that he isn't stinky) are going good. I'm still enjoying his company and he is still treating me very well. Last night, he brought flowers, cooked dinner, and helped me by taking photos of my soap so I can work on re doing the bubbly website.

I often worry that I don't give back nearly what he gives.

This is not to say that everything is perfect. I don't think there is any such thing. I'm still getting used to his daughter who, I would have preferred not to have met yet. But I couldn't very well have told him that kids were invited, except his. It's not a reflection on him, or a reflection on her, I just think it's important to not enter and exit a kids life quickly.

And beyond that, being in a relationship is taking some getting used to. I'm having trouble, as usual, with the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" Cheese knows that I have a mental block with them, and he doesn't seem to be hurt that I don't use them. It's taking me a long time to transition from single and living in my own little world to including someone else. concern for a kid will have to take more time. Hearing "It's Daddy's Girlfriend!" when I walked through the door a couple of weeks ago was enough to nearly send me running. spending the whole weekend with a 4 year old had me seriously reconsidering.

When her mother decided that it would be ok for her to stay at my house, I put my foot down.

Too much, too soon. And selfish me says, I don't care if her mom wants to sleep in, so do I, and I work 40+ hours a week. My weekends are mine. There are reasons why i don't have children, sleeping in till 9 on a Saturday and not having to worry about anyone but meself is one of them. When I'm ready to add a kid to the mix, I will do so. And will have plenty for her to do and eat. (she had a slice of cheese while at my house. It was the only kid friendly food I had)

Yes, I know I sound selfish. And I will admit that I am. But at the same time, I made it very clear when I first learned of Cheese's daughter that I don't have a problem with kids, but that I didn't want to meet her until a great deal of time had gone by. A couple of weeks after his and my initial meeting, I met her. A couple of weeks after that, she's got permission to stay at my house. That is hardly taking it slow.

Luckily, Cheese understands and doesn't get upset with me when I say things like, "no she may not meet my family". That I'm just not ready for that. He can meet my family, I don't have issues with that because it's not a big deal for me. My family is me, split into many. But i don't think it's good idea to throw kid into the mix until we've been together long term. Like, many months not one or two. i haven't talked to anyone about it that didn't agree, and thankfully,Cheese is willing to take things as slow as I want to and doesn't try and force the issue.

so time ticks on.

My house is still awesome. I'm still living paycheck to paycheck but once I get off my lazy ass and do my taxes, I will be able to alleviate much of that issue. and I will be able to relieve the stress of knowing that I still owe the Loan Shark although they have been awesome and have never mentioned it. I'm looking forward to planting the garden in the spring, and have started gathering seeds for the rest. My bulbs are coming up nicely and I am hoping that they will bloom while my family is here this weekend. With the support and encouragement of Cheese, I am working on my business again; reading marketing books and investing time into it. It's awesome to have that support. I started rebuilding my website, from scratch last night, using a program on my Mac. I found online shoping carts that I can plug in that might be easier for me to use and update. I hope. Being HTML ignorant and handicapped makes it tough to be in the internet sales business! BUT. I'm not going to let that stand in my way. Anymore.


Chickie said...

I'm on board with everyone else - take it slow with a kid in the mix. No need for little hurt feelings if something happens and it doesn't work out.

You don't sound selfish to me at all. You sound very level-headed.

Sensei Ern said...

"There are reasons why i don't have children, sleeping in till 9 on a Saturday and not having to worry about anyone but meself is one of them."

It's so cute how you type with an Irish accent when you are angry.

BrattyD said...

PAHAHAHAHAHA!! "cheese" ;o)

I was wondering when I'd get another peer into your psyche again :o)