Thursday, November 11, 2010

Where its at

Cheese and I are still working on our friendship. It's difficult, knowing that he reads into every hug and every glance. It's even more difficult knowing that I have taken advantage of his kindness over the last couple of weeks (he has been watching the dog while I am out of town). I don't want to use him. He makes it very easy to do it. For that, I have guilt. On top of the guilt I feel for hurting him in the first place.

And then there is the flirtation. With a man who, I learned, has been interested in getting to know me for a very long time. And I am flattered by his attention and frightened by the intensity with which he has begun his pursuit.

I know that I am not really ready to get involved with someone. Get to know, yes. And who knows? There is a mutual attraction.

I am afraid. I am afraid of so many things.

I am afraid that it will hurt Cheese all over again, especially since it feels like it is too soon. I am afraid that Cheese will walk away from the friendship we are trying to have like C did so long ago.The difference is, that C is far more secure, and our friendship far stronger than I think I have with Cheese. We just haven't known each other for that long. And that's ok, you can't rush time.

I am afraid that all he wants is a piece. And I don't want to give another one up to someone who is only looking for a special friend. I don't want to be a booty call again. Hi Five's dogged pursuit comes to mind. How little it felt like I meant to him despite his protests to the contrary. The chase is fun. And the last one. Before Cheese, who I didn't talk about except in generalities. That was... A situation I don't want to be in again. And even though there were feelings between us, they didn't change the reality of the situation. When it was over, I made a bad choice and hurt myself and someone else.

I'm afraid to hope that I am wrong.  My wife thinks I am.

And for being attracted and tentatively interested in someone so soon, I feel guilt. I worry that I am going to fall for pretty words and a flirtatious manner again. That  I will get so wraped up in wanting the whole package that I will turn a blind eye to an uglier truth.  I am afraid I will lose another piece.

So I am trying my best to smile, and enjoy the conversation.

1 comment:

Sensei said...

Have Cheese get in contact with me. I'll help him find some others to help him deal with the grief.