Wednesday, November 24, 2010

At the risk of...

Being found out, the flirtaion I spoke of has turned to something more. I worry about talking about it here, because i know there is someone who will tell him, .and  that it will hurt Cheese. I haven't told him. Yes, he will find out eventually and yes, this is precisely what T did to me, and gods how it hurt when I found out. I would really rather know he is seeing someone first.

Not a good basis for a friendship, I know. I'm not lying to him about it, I'm just not telling him, which could be considered lying by omission, but ultimately, as I have told him there is no hope for a future between us, that we do not belong together, that we both deserve to love and be loved, it's really none of his business.

I know that some of the girls find the new guy a bit creepy. I am not discounting this in any way shape or form. I am not ignoring it. it's in the back of my mind at every moment. I think of it when I look at him, I consider it in his every word. (Which kind of sucks, but we know I have terrible taste in men. Good people, bad for me)

I realized something though.

I am happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. Right now. And right now I am going with it. And accepting the happiness as something that might change but something that I have right now. I'm looking over the last several years of dating and the pattern isn't pretty. Shall we recap?

Cheese was worthy of all I could give but I just couldn't find it. (I'm pretty into the new guy right now)
The one before wasn't ready for a relationship and i don't know if he ever will be ready for a relationship with me. I will always have love for him. I'm glad we are on speaking terms again. It has brought joy into my world. (new guy seems to be wanting the same things I do)
Hi Five treated me like I didn't matter. I felt last on his list. Whether this is accurate or not is questionable, but the perception is there (I have not felt lacking in the new guys attention. He has his own life too, but I don't feel neglected)
B. I was happy with B. But it was all based on a lie. (new guy, as far as i know has been honest (he even told me he asked Flash to coffee after he found out that I wasn't available. She didn't go. I'm flattered that there is any comparison between she and I), the stories add up, there are no small children waiting for him at home nor is there a crazy ex wife calling while we are out. as far as I know)

I could go on, but I am already bored with it. and we have now gone back two years.

I'm taking the moments as they come. I'm having fun getting to know someone new and enjoying his company. I think it's healthy.

Except for the guilt part... I have nothing to feel guilty about...I have nothing to feel guilty about...I have nothing to feel guilty about...

I'm going to keep repeating that until the guilt goes away.

No comments: