Thursday, January 12, 2006

Deal Breakers

Talking on the phone last night with Guy (he's not really "new guy", I mean we haven't even met yet, and well, read on) we got in to a conversation about Alchohol and he admitted to me that what he really prefers most of all, I mean more than alchohol, which he doesn't drink that often, is a little bit o'weed once in awhile. and I thought, oh. well.
Not that he isn't still a very nice guy, and not that I haven't in the past gotten over some of my usual deal breakers when encountering a nice, attractive man, but this is one that I don't feel as though I can overlook.
Here's the thing. I don't do drugs. And while I can accept that there are people who do, I am not comfortable having them around me. My father is a drug addict, and, I could lose my job if I don't pass a piss test.
So here's what I imagined in my little head after I got off the phone with Guy last night.

We meet in person and like each other enough to date. (he wants to go to dinner Saturday).

A) He promises not to smoke it around me. But I show up at his house and he is just finished/still passing the joint/obviously high. Instant discomfort for me, and he feels badly for making me uncomfortable. Or, we're out camping with his friends and someone has some, he wants to do it, but "can't" because I am there, I become "that" girlfriend (you know the one everyone hates because she cramps his style) and he feels a little resentful that I am there because he is not free to imbibe.

B) He promises to quit. I am not the kind of woman to try and change a man. This is something he likes to do and there would be a little bit of tension between us as a result. Eventually, he sneaks a puff, which will lead to him lying about it or me losing trust in his word. Among other things.

I think, although he could be the man of my dreams, that this is just not worth getting involved. Sure, I can be his friend, we can go camping/to magic mountain/dinner/whatever*. but I just don't think I should get involved with someone who enjoys something I am this adamantly against.

*Whatever does not include sex. Or kissing, or petting, etc.

I just need to have the courage to tell him these things right away, because I don't wish to lead him on. He's a nice guy and deserves happiness.


Sargini said...

i have read a lot of you life on this blog thru the months. i have noticed that you do like to drink. alcohol is a drug.... and you said that you do not do drugs...HHHHMMMMMMMM . i dont know what kind of drug addict your dad was/is but smoking pot is like someone who drinks. alchohol is legal so i guess thats why people think it ok and pot is evil. this guy could give up pot someday. pot being a deal breaker for you means that you give conditional love." i love you under the conditions that you dont do this or that." i know your the snake but virgos give unconditional love. what sign is he anyways. read this a few times. i know you reads thyings and only remember the end and or begining. i need to know his sign????

Sargini said...

look at my blog back in july 05. my wife met as a pot head from beyond. her love changed me. what if he was your perfect man that your looking for and he says to you. if you didnt drink ever it would work but you like to drink....i dont like how you and your sister flash your tits when your drunk. read marrajuana from july 05 in my blog

Charlie Foxxtrot said...

Cigarette smoking is a deal breaker with me. Dope smoking is definitely verboten!

Ginamonster said...

First of all, I never bare my bosoms completely unless it is privately with a man with whom I have a relationship, so really, when I flash someone, drunk or not (and it does occationally happen when i am sober) they see less that they would see if I were wearing a bikini. And, I have not done this in a long time because I don't respect myself in the morning for it. To clear a misunderstanding, neither of my sisters participate in this, it's a friend of mine, who also does not bare them completely.
Secondly, yes, alchohol is a drug. You are correct there. It is legal, I am of age, and I won't lose my job over it unless I am drinking at work, which I do not do. My drinking is actually rare. I might have one or two once a month. Nights where I get drunk become more rare as I grow older. Also, I do not pretend that I function normally under the infuence of alchohol.
I don't think pot is nessesarily evil, I just don't want to date someone who does it. I don't think that is unreasonable. Sure, he may be willing to give it up, but I wouldn't want him to do that for me, I would want him to do it because he wants to. I don't think he wants to because he likes doing it. For him it is not an addiction like it was for you. It is a recreation. but one I don't want in my world for the resons I outlined in my post.
You talk about me loving him unconditionally. I have known this man for two days and have never met him face to face. I don't see how I should love him at all.
I also believe that it is my right to choose not to date someone for whatever reson I choose not to date them. There are many women who would not have given this fellow a second glance because he's not very tall. This was not a deterrant.
I was with a man who didn't like my drinking. for 5 years. It caused problems. I didn't want to give it up because I was enjoying myself. I don't blame him for it, but, I have to say I didn't like it that he tried to control that part of who I was and I wouldn't want to do that to someone else.
this guy is a scorpio. I know that my horiscope says this would be a match, but I also believe that there are other things that come into play. for me, pot use is an issue

jootastic said...

i don't like guys who do drugs...and i used to be around a lot of that stuff... i say, go with your instincts...if you feel weird about it and think that you can't let it go... go with that feeling... it'll circle in your head if you don't really listen to what you feel about this...which, it's true, could mean that it might not really matter to you and you can date him...but, for the most part...guys who smoke pot are losers. especially if they admit it before they meet you. but, then, i'm dating squeaky clean i may be biased. i'm wishing you boy luck. :)

Sargini said...

simmer down now. i read a post and you had a pic of you and your sister. in disney and said how you guys where drunk and you and your sister was going to flash some cute guy. but you guys did not because of the kids around you. i didnt say you should be in love with this guy, you know what i meant. you just wanted to throw that in to bash what i said. you are so far gone. are you perfect???????? im not. if you want a scorpio to quit pot just ask and be patient. its not like heroin or cocaine pcp crack crystal meth. do you think that you will recieve a good and perfect man up to your standards. a good thing is never easy. so are you saying that "t" is better because he dont smoke he just likes to play mind games with you.
t is a cancer look it up. he thinks of him self all the time. and of course you dont want anyone to tell you how to be because you are a virgo. a scorpio can deal with it. of course his friends would change because he would want to be with you all the time. you being the tird generation of virgos have got to be so damn independent that if you find a bad guy you will like them because subconsciencuosly you are afaid of a relationship that you might get stuck in. then you are at the mercy of the comitment. and if you have kids your stuck even deeper. why dont you grow up. trust someone good that has flaws. now if he is to short for you why did you have interest????? if he is not to short for you then dont bring it up because there is so many people out there with different things they like in a person. you cant say most women dont like this or that your wrong. you sound like a kid in high school that thinks they know everything. grow the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and for fu..n' joostic
pot heads guys are not loosers. you said" guys who smoke pot are losers. especially if they admit it before they meet you." are you saying that honesty is a bad quality and a sure sign of a looser???? you will pay for all judgements you stick on people. I just checked your sign, now i see why your so full of it.

Sensei Ern said...

GM, don't let this unconditional love line sway you.

Sarg, God loves all of us unconditionally. Never does He not love us. Yet, because He loves us, He says there are things we are not to do.

GM, it is good you have this restriction on your dating. It's your life, you have the right to live it the way you want. Or, as Dr. Laura says, "If it isn't illegal, immoral, or fattening, go ahead an live your life the way you want."

There are 100 million men in the United States, and only 3% are gay. That is enough men that you will find the right one for you. Don't settle for almost.

A man on drugs does not show his real personality. Either he is stoned and is suppressing his true personality, or he is sneaking it and still doesn't show who he really is.

mowpvlkp: the state of being so high that you see little green men. It is taken from their introductory greeting, "Mo Pevel Kep" which means, "You are too stoned to date this woman."

jen said...

Wow...I bet you had no idea that this would be a loaded question would be...what does "once in awhile" mean? I know people who "smoke" once in awhile...and that is only a few times a year...I have never done drugs (other than alcohol) and I wouldn't be with someone who did them on a regular basis...but if it was a "special ocassion" kind of thing? I may give it a shot...and the fact that he told you upfront? I respect the honesty there. Far better than in being a hidden habit...

Ginamonster said...

Wow, this did turn out to be a hot topic!

Like Julie said, this will circle around in my head. And while, Jen, he did say that he only does it sometimes, like when someone he knows happens to have some, (which sounds pretty rare) rare is still too much for me to handle when it is something that bothers me so. It has bothered me my whole life, I fell like a hippocrite for ever having tried it. And yes, I have been around it my whole life, I have known what it is for as long as I can remember, and I can't remember a time when it didn't bother me. I'm very pleased with his honesty, and I am sure it may have been difficult to tell me the things he told me that night,some of which I can accept. but everyone has thier limitations. Charlie won't date a ciggarette smoker. I used to say that, then I dated two. So that's out the window. But I have never knowingly dated a pot smoker. I don't like it, it bothers me, it's a deal breaker. I'm not going to back down on it. Since I have dated plenty of sqeaky clean types, I know there have to be more out there.
I also didn't say that I wouldn't be his friend. He seems like a nice fellow, if i enjoy his company, there's no reason we can't hang out. as friends. He might quit if I asked, but I wouldn't ask, because it's not my job to go around intentionally changing people. I know I am not perfect, no one is. And yes, T does play mind games with me when I let him, that's why I am really trying to divorce myself from hope even though it rips a hole in my heart every time I think about it. T is very open that he is looking out for himself. that's how he was raised. In his defense, when we were together, no one had ever treated me better, and now, I am blessed to have a loyal friend. Only my closest friends and family would sit in a hospital emergency room awaiting my next move while I was back in the room with my mom. he was my support that night, and others as well. That is why it is so hard to let him go.
Meanwhile, I never said Guy was too short for me. I said that many women would not have given him a second glance because he isn't tall. That is a quote from him.
I stand by my decision. For my own peace of mind. I respect that there are opinions other than my own, but you don't have to live in my brain. I do. and I have to do what is right for me. I learned that from T.

jen said...

Then you are making the right decision. :)

(But yes, I DO have to live in your brain, and it hurts today from all of this Chaos. lol)

Ginamonster said...

yeah, Jen, sometimes I forget about that. Sorry for all the turmoil and confusion and upset these last, I don't know, 8 months. Never a dull moment in my head!

jootastic said...

sargini: first of all, i don't know you, and i never personally attacked you, so don't attack me. second of all, i said that "for the most part" guys who smoke pot are losers... which is true.
the fact that you twisted my words around regarding guys who talk upfront and right away about their pot usage (who are losers)'s a well known fact...and it has nothing to do with has to do with potheads who want to brag about being pot heads. some guy may tell gina that he's a child molester on their first date...should she be excited by his honesty???
finally, if you're going to be telling anyone that their judgmental attitude will stick to them, you might want to reconsider your accusation that that type of person is me...and take a long hard look in the mirror. don't write me again, this is the first and last time i'm responding to you or recognizing your existence.

oh...and you!

NWJR said...


I was gonna say stand tall for what you believe in, and don't compromise your principles.

But hey...this has been an interesting thread, to say the least.

THW said...

Hey, I want to leave my two cents:

You shouldn't have to compromise for a relationship. Like you said, it's your life and your brain. Date who you want. Set your standards where you want, and most importantly, go with your gut instincts.

I think you're doing to the right thing. Best of luck!

Ginamonster said...

Julie: gasp!! swoon!

nwjr: yeah. thanks!

thw: I agree. I know people change, but I don't want someone to have to change for me, and although he said he would be perfectly happy to quit forever for me, that isn't the point. I want to want him just as he is. Not "if he changes" this or that.

Sensei Ern said...

You are right. Get a guy who is the way you want him BEFORE you get serious. You can't change a man AFTERWARD. Besides, forcing a change will cause resentment, as you expressed before.