Monday, March 20, 2006

Microwavable pork rinds

Saw em at wal mart. eew.


on a more serious note, those who know me know that it is a rare day when I lie. I can't bear to do it, unless it's to save my ass, in which case, by law, it's ok. (I don't mean legal law, I mean life law) I feel bad when I lie, even small ones, and find that it's easier in the long run to be truthful as much as possible, having learned the hard way that eventually lies will catch up with you.

But on days like today when my heart is screaming in agony, I can't help but tell people I'm ok when I'm really not because it's so much easier to swallow my tears than to explain them, and make them worse. People tell me I should let my emotions show, that I shouldn't bury them until later, but truthfully, in a professional world, that just isn't acceptable.

Thank goodness for my blog, it lets me talk without telling me I'm an idiot (I leave that to my comments) truth is, I know in my brain that I would be better off not chasing hope, but my heart just won't listen. It has always wanted most the things that it cannot have, and T is no different. He says little things to me that keep my hope alive, whether he knows it or not. And then there are days like today when all that gets smashed to smithereens. My ego is fragile, it doesn't take much.

Will I regain the courage to talk to him tomorrow? I don't know. Will I confront him about how much it hurts me when he reschedules? Likely not unless it comes up. I fI want to look on the bright side (hee hee Zube) At least he rescheduled. Perhaps I should be more proactive about it, perhaps I should kick his ass about it. I don't feel like kicking butt. I feel like crawling back into the cave I was in yesterday for some personal healing. Go visit for awhile with the friendly ghost that lives in there.

Chances are, that if I confronted him, I would lose it. Times like these, dignanty is all I've got.
funny how I can have something and not be able to spell it.

5 comments:

Gary said...

Hang in there. At least you've still got your sense of humerr.

NWJR said...

"dignanty is all I've got.
funny how I can have something and not be able to spell it."

LOL...that's the funniest thing I've seen all day.

Of course it's early, but I'm still sure it will be.

Smile. I just did!

-rl

Sensei Ern said...

The Apostle Paul admonished us to "Let your yea be yea, and your nay be nay."

Truth is the most valuable thing we can give and it still retain its value. Lies are the cheapest thing we can give.

zbung: past tense of zbang

crabcake said...

My son is 30 and single so I between him and his father I can tell you guys are like big yellow dogs. They just want to be happy. Can "almost" never figure out what you're thinking and will run like the wind if you seem too emotional or down. Forget long meaningful talks, it's white noise to man human.

My advice, which you didn't ask for but I like you so I'm offering, is, keep that sense of humor running in high gear. Stay happy. Especially when he's around. Actually if you keep smiling and pretend things are fine, eventually you believe it and you get really strong all by yourself.

Ginamonster said...

did I misspell Humor too? I spell checkd that post and it just didn't help me.

Thank goodness dignanty is what I have instead of gonerria, which is another word I can't spell!

Sensei, in this case, I make sure that I don't lie to myself, and I think that's more important. But putting on a happy face at work, well, it helps me keep my job.

Crabcakes, from what I hear, I'm doing a great job of pretending that I am strong. And I wasn't looking for a long drawn out conversation, just, "hey, I like ya, gotta go" then I can go cry in private when he tells me he doesn't think of me that way.