Saturday, September 03, 2005

Do you ever feel?

Today I am feeling as though I am dangling from a precipice and I don't know where to go. I often feel this way when it comes to the never ending drama with T, but it seems in so many ways, my whole world f relationships is wrong and not at all like they say it should be.
Let's start with T who, was keeping it G rated for awhile and I was doing really well and starting to heal despite our continued correspondence. Then, as we were discussing some healing techniques that might help him sleep, I realized, and admitted to him that although I spent 5 years as a massage therapist, I could not handle having that sort of contact with him. I have never before refused a client or friend because I was concerned about my own professionalism. Realizing this made my world turn on it's side. Then, yesterday, the comments went dirty again and I flipped the rest of the way over. I feel like he provides just enough to keep me interested, to keep me hanging, and then he pulls back. I am not a fish, and I don't want to dangle on a line. But we connect so well in so many ways that I hang on to the hope tat we can work things out.
Then there is the neighbor situation. I'm not sure how much I have talked about it, but he invited me over for dinner again tonight. And the other day, his oldest kid wanted me to come over. Now, his kids are cute, but I really don't want to get involved with that family. I'm not interested in him, so I don't want to go eat there because I don't want to give him the wrong idea. And I know that if I keep hanging out there, his kids are going to get hurt. I am currently "hiding" at my mom's house so that he doesn't see my car at mine and want me to come over. What I really want to do is hole up in my house with "Big Fish" and sew.
To make matters worse, my step dad was picking at my scabs. He started by asking what is going on with T and telling me that he really thought T was stuck on me. And maybe he is, I don't know, but this is no way to go about things. Then Poo asked what I was doing to meet people. Truth is, I don't want to meet people. I am not impressed with the dating circles. I just want to stay home in my house and craft and work on my business. These are things that I can control. Yes, I know it doesn't do me any good to be a hermit. And yes, I know that most men my age want kids. But frankly, there is a serious lack of decent men in my neighborhood. I don't like bars, and I don't think I would want to be with a man I met in a bar. Trouble is, that it all boils down to, "I want T" and since no one better has come along, I just hold on the what I know. I am aware that there are many fish in the sea, and I am sure that there are lots of wonderful men looking for a woman like me. They just don't seem to live in Lakeside. And I am not an outgoing kind of girl to go meet people. So I stay a hermit.
Then, I'm sitting there thinking that for a person who says she's happy with her life, I sure do cry a lot. Then I get angry with myself for being overly sensitive. And for being a fool. And I imagine that tonight, like last night, I will be in bed, alone, before 11 pm. And I fear that makes me a little pathetic.
Am I having a pity party? Probably. But I have this blog to express myself. And this is the state of my being.

3 comments:

Sargini said...

God do I miss your life. I see you are still running from people because you don't tell them the truth. hahahaha. Go to my blog I have an explanation for my absense. I miss you ginamonster. Yes and Jen too...

jen said...

Being a hermit can be good for the soul...but only for awhile, Monster! And then you have to get out there again...in the worlds of my wise mother "For him there is different, for you there is better"

Welcome back Sargini!! Been too long!

Ginamonster said...

I'm sure I will get out there when I am ready. I'm not plnning to be a hermit forever! I just know that I have to heal on my own terms, otherwise, I won't mend correctly!

YAY Sargini!