Theme of the day

In keeping with today's theme, this will be my last blog post of 2006. Next month will mark two years that I started writing in earnest. I never thought that I would have regular readers. I always hoped I would. Thank you, those of you who care enough to stop by and see what I am up to each day.

What are my resolutions for next year?

Eat less Mac and Cheeze. really. honestly. because there is something wrong with the fact that my last meal for 2006 came out of a box. AND the fact that I added kielbassa to it? makes it worse. ugh. I ate too much.

and

Don't kiss anyone tonight that will make me want to gag and will cause a bad case of the heebie jeebies for months after. Truly, I'm still traumatized. blah. blah, blah.

The rest of what I have are plans. Plans are something I am far more likely to see through. I plan to work harder at growing my business. I plan to continue to pay off the credit card. I plan to continue to better myself as a person. I plan to fit into a size 8 for Bug Guy's wedding.

Best wishes and be safe you guys. I am off to the parties. I baked cookies and I want to drop them off to those who will get them. My mom's party, Wayne. My hardowrking coworers at Harbucks who have to be there until 10:45 tonight. And if they don't eat them all, to my hardworking coworkers who will arrive early tomorrow while I am busy sleeping off my hangover.
I'll see you next year. I hope i don't have any "good" stories for tomorrow!

Work? What's that?

I should be working, or at least not blogging at work, but, um, there's no one here and I don't feel very motivated right now to put away drawings and rearrange the stick set.

Yesterday I was having the same issue so I was checking out Miss Britt's blog roll and found this woman.

http://mustgethobby.blogspot.com/

She made me laugh so hard I cried and coworker got all concerned because I was teary. Really. Mist 1 says a lot of the things I am thinking. I can't quite figure out how much of her stories are true and how much are made up, but it's balanced enough to keep you reading. I got through her entire archives. The new ones. Apparently there was an old blog, but she shut it down. something to do with an illegal waxing incident and a court case.

MEANWHILE, C's girl is coming to twon and he invited me to go to dinner with them and some friends. I have to work that night. Faced with this situation, the flip side of which I was going through precisely three years ago with C, I panicked. and suddenly insecure Gina came out. Can I handle meeting her? What if she's prettier than me? What if she isn't pretty at all and therefore I am not pretty either because he dated us both? (For the record, I never really understood what he saw in Lorena based on her pictures, but she must have something about her because she dated the most handsome of the kings from the show at Excalibur) Can I really meet this person? Can I truly handle that my ex is dating someone even though I don't want to be with him anymore? what if she gives me the death stare like Biker Bob's female friends did that time he brought them into the store to meet me? (it was so bad my coworker commented on it)

So I decided to do what any other woman would do in my situation. I invited him to bring her to the store to meet me after dinner. And I'm making her a scarf.

Here's what I figure. And this goes doubly for the girl that Coffee Crush brings in. I can be catty like anyone else. I can easily dislike someone for being with the man I want to be with or for being with an ex, whether I want to be with him or not. But this does not accomplish anything. So, I choose to be nice. Swallow my hurt pride and dissapointment and look at these women not as competition, but as potential friends. Being bitchy will not endear me to my friend the ex, or the attractive man. These women do not deserve my distain. It is not thier fault I have jealousy. They are pursueing thier happiness. How can I fault them for that?

Am I being fake? not really. Beyond my human reactions, I truly want to be nice. I don't want to give dirty looks like my coworker who also has a crush on Coffee Crush. I want to befriend the girlfriend of my friend, I respect him and love him and want him to be happy. And I don't want weirdness between us because I want to keep my friend. I also don't want to do to her what Lorena did to me. I always said that in the flip situation, I would do differently. Now is my chance.

And Coffee Crush? hardly knows I exist. Somehow I don't think he thinks of me when I am not standing in front of him pouring his drink. And if the Magic Pirate Heead is correct, there is no future between us. I won't be mean over a crush. It's bad for my soul.

I hope I finish the scarf before Tuesday.

Must stop reading snarky blogs

Chris, the fellow at my other work who I have a minor crush on and who once declared me an elf prompting me to go out and buy green shoes sent me an email just now. It said:
"Are you guys heading to lunch soon?"

to which I replied:

"Would that be me and my other personalities? Or do I have a conjoined twin stuck somewhere I can't see?"

No wonder I can't score a date outside of the internet.

No Title today

I am finding work to be increasingly frustrating. For 3 and a half years I have been working towards a goal. My job is to be in control. My game? Documents. And I watch every day as that control slips through my fingers more and more. Sure, I go through the motions. I do what I can. In a lot of ways I don't think it is getting better, I think it is getting worse.

It used to be that my boss and I were the only ones in our department who had AutoCAD, and therefore all drawings were created by us. Now, there are 6 or 7 people with the program and in some cases, only limited experience with it. Today, I found an entire cache of documents that we were unaware of. I have been told to pretend they are not there.

The Architect, can't be bothered with properly numbering, dating, or noting revisions. I said something once. I was warned that someone got fired for that once. I keep my mouth shut. I like my lifestyle. Harbucks alone canot support that. add that to the fact that I am rarely told when a check print becomes a real drawing, and you can see how I might need to gripe a bit. In the end? No As Builts.

My Executive Director, bless him, hands out documents like candy. I am the one who is embarassed when someone comes along and asks what drawing a vendor has. That information is supposed to be recorded. Th drawings are supposed to be signed out and tracked. I can't do that when they are being passed around without my knowlege.

I thought expressing that to someone other than my coworkers would help. Sorry about the work rant. The thing is, that I am a little bored, I think. in addition to being frustrated. But I don't want to leave because I have excellent pay, great benefits, and I will be fully vested in my 401K next year. More free money for my retirement someday. I don't want to start over somewhere new only to find the same shit. I just want to make soap.

I'm slipping in other ways, I slept through my alarm today and was late. At Harbucks, I get so stressed and frazzled I can hardly function. And I know that isn't who I am.

Work aside, things are great. I still maintain that quitting Match.com was a brilliant idea. I still maintain that I would like for my coffee crush to ask me out on a date. The more I get to know him, the more I WANT to get to know him. Could just be because he's cute. It's also possible that he has a girl in his life based on one I've seen him around a lot lately. Deep down though, I think it's terribly nice to be interested in someone who isn't T. It's healthy. Sure, I'm all goofy and twitterpated and all shy and embarassed, even though I try to hide it (I'm a blusher. I can't hide anything). But its a hell of a lot better than pining. A hell of a lot better than crying and beating myself up for "letting such a good one get away" Distraction has always been my best healer, and Coffee Crush does an excellent job of it. I also helps that I have not heard from T. I am worried about him. He will either come back into my world, even if on the fringes, or he won't. Either way, there's nothing I can do but be his friend. I will always be his friend. I care about his state of being.

I had a wonderful time at work last night. One question. I think this is an old wives tale. that it is possible to get Pink Eye from getting, um, secretions in your eye. You know, because sometimes that happens to people, and um, according to my coworker, it's a source of pink eye, but I'm thinking that there should not be bacteria in that um secretion. And don't ask how it came up in conversation. I'm having a good giggle over the thought that my seesters and my cousin will read this. But they are used to me by now.

and in closing, as requested, Gina the Ass Kisser




Gotta love Oatman. Happy HNT

God only knows what I'd be without you

watching "Love Actually" for the upteenth billionth time yesterday and today (because I rarely watch an entire film without stopping it and leaving and then coming back to it) Something hit me on this fine sun-filled Christmas Eve.

(Not coming from a strongly religious background, Christmas in my family is more about the time we get to spend together and showing our love than a celebration of the birth of Christ. I look forward to this time of year, not because of the hope for gifts,but for the oportunity to spend quality time with them. The day is filled with warm fuzzy feelings, booze and chocolate.

So anyway, watching the movie, and on to the end and the lyrics spelled out above, I was struck so hard that I had to leave my Cream of Wheat cooling on the coffee table and write. It's moments like these that I am very thankful for my computer.)

My family. I bless them every day. Sure, they drive me nuts sometimes (or often, Brother) but they are mine, and I love them. Deeply. Wihout bounds, and without adjenda. It's the only way I know how to love, and I hope that I never know any other way. They are my support system. They are my self. They are my soul, my inspiration, my roots. They help me to fly, they keep me grounded when nessesary.

I know what I would be without them.

So to my family, on this fine sun-filled Christmas Eve, and to my dear friends who are the family I have chosen for myself, I love you. Even if I don't see you, even if I don't call or write. Even if it feels like I have fallen off, I love you.

I would be nothing without you.

I'll never doubt again.

until the next time, of course



So, anytime I have a question or want to feel like I don't have control over my destiny, I ask the Magic Pirate Head. and really? it hasn't been wrong. well, except about a few things that remain to be seen. Tonight, I finally got around to asking it about Coffee Crush. After a lot of "No way, matey" answers, it finally told me to walk the plank. So I said, fine, I'll ask a question I know the answer to, just to prove it wrong.

"Will I ever talk to Biker Bob again"

"Clear Sailing ahead"

HA! I thought, that is SO not true, he's not in my life anymore.

Tonight he walked into my store. And hung out for awhile. We made small talk. It was awkward and really quite freaked me out. partially because I really never expected to see him again, and partially because the Magic Pirate Head said I would. and then I did. Coincedence? maybe.

On the flip side, Coffee Crush and I actually had conversation over it. Because Wayne was saying all sorts of mean things. I tried to stress that it just wasn't a good match. Not a good fit. That he's a good fellow beyond his grizzled look (he has allowed his beard to grow and was wearing clothes that I wouldn't leave the house in, but I am not him, and he should be comfy in his clothing). That I am not ashamed of having dated him, we just weren't right for each other. But conversation. That's a good thing.

Wayne, of course, helped the conversation take a mildly naughty turn when it appeared that CC pointed out my boobs and asked if they were free (No, they'll cost you dinner) Sometimes I both curse and bless that man in the same breath.

I was...

going to post a lovely picture of me kissing an ass, but Rich posted this and I had to play too and since I found the need to send it to everyone I know who might get a giggle out of it, I'm posting it to you too.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=df767be62e6d753ecb0a458G06121604

Where'd I go??

Sorry I have been lax in my posting, it isn't that I haven't had anything to say, and no, I'm not going through another crisis (everything is still great since I quite that foolish dating idea) I was at my Grandparents in Arizona, and although they do indeed have internet (Grandpa is a computer nut. The man knows more about computers than some of the guys in my IT dept...) I didn't feel as though it would be right to be on thier machines blogging and checking my email. So I went SEVERAL days without either. and I am ashamed to say that it was hard.
I am back now, and I will be posting fun stuff tomorrow. You know, after I catch up on all you folks...

Perceptions

It must drive them crazy, I think. I'm not really sure because I only speak to them in passing. I wondered, for example, who stole my spells. Harmless ones, but they gave me hope, and that is what these things do. They give you hope so that you can focus on the goal. Make things happen.

Two coins, on my front door mat. An ugly thing that Tim left when he moved away. I have never bothered with changing it. It would be a silly expense. Unnessesary when I have a whole world of yarn to buy instead. I wipe my feet on it. It doesn't need to be fancy.

There was a penny there, when I moved in, and I left it. I decided that with a penny at my door, soon there would be more. I added another, a Canadian equivelant. Hoping this time, to attract a Canadian*. That one I knew was a bit of folly. Regardless of what they did or did not bring, they made me smile each time that I saw them.

Once day they were gone. I wondered who would snag my coins. It has bothered me for several months. Not the kind of bother that eats at you, but the kind that pops into your head at odd times before floating out again.

When I brought home my tree last weekend, and carried it up to my door, I made a little mess. As it slammed down on the dormat, pineneedles scattered thickly onto the porch. I know I should have cleaned them up, the vaccume** was two feet away and still plugged in from earlier in the day. But I left them. Partly because I am damn lazy and partly I think, because I like stepping on them.

As I was sitting among my clutter this evening, I heard a strange sound near my door. It didn't take me long to puzzle it out. My neighbor was sweeping my doormat. It must drive them crazy, I think, that I leave things out like that. Untidy. careless. I can hear the vaccume next door right now, furiously cleaning. I like to vaccume. I just don't get around to it very often. If the pine needles had been inside, they would be gone. If the pennies had littered my carpet, they would never have had that adventure on the porch.

I'm glad I don't feel the need to tidy other people's living space, you never know what sort of magic you are sweeping away.


*In reference to that Canuk, it obviously didn't work, but maybe it had a different outcome, I just don't know it yet!
**I have never been able to spell this word.

Goat Stories

Some of you may remember my goat. Oh how I loved him. Oh how he drove me absolutely crazy. Oh how I wonder how he is doing now, more than a year later. Without further ado, here is Cody. Finally.

Holiday Stories

Sunday, I put my tree up, but I was so wrapped up in my dramas that I needed to blog about those instead of that. So, since I am picture happy, I thought I would share it with you. I tried to rotate it so that it was upright, but for some reasonit wouldn't go.



While I was unpacking, I found this. A momento of a time when I lived in domestic bliss and was looking forward to a future with C. We bought it at Disneyland to celebrate our first Christmas living together. I remember thinking ahead to the future and how great it would be be hang it on the tree every year (Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney Princess) I considered packing it away.



I hung it anyway. Since there is no prince currently in my life, I covered his head. I know he looks like a member of the KKK, but since I think the whole thing is pretty funny, The paper stays.


There are a few things you will notice about my tree. The paper garland, I made for my first tree my first year in my own apartment. I was broke and had to use what I had available. After that, I think my trees were bigger if I had one at all, so I didn't use it. This year, since my tree is little, I put it out. (hee hee. I put out) I love paper chains. They remind me that the simple things in life can be the most decorative, the most fun. There is something white hanging to the left there the branches break. That's an angel I made out of noodles when I was in Americorps. She holds a little gold noodle tree. That was one of the gifts I gave that year. and the crowining glory...



I don't know what I did with the star that went on top of my tree, but Kermit was my first tree topper. He is always somewhere on my tree, and this year he has returned to the place of honor.

I would love to see your trees! If I don't visit your blog regularly, leave me a comment and I will go look.

No cutisie name

I gathered my courage and called Ben to tell him that I was cancelling our outing on Wendesday. it was hard to do. I told him the truth. That I didn't feel we were compatible and that it just didn't click for me. I also told him I wasn't ready to be dating. When he asked if anything happened recently my reply was, "Not necessarily", which might be a stretch, but wasn't a deliberate lie. I didn't want to talk about it. I told him I had pulled my profile, that I am just going to stay home and knit. Whch is true.

I feel bad that he bought a whole pile of soap. i am tempted to not cash the check. But I have to think of it as a business transaction, not something with emotional attachments. I hope he sees it the same way.

I had the opportunity to use work as an excuse. One of the girls called me and asked to switch shifts. I told her I would call her back after I talked to Ben. Because I didn't want to use an excuse, I wanted to be truthful. I'm glad I was.

He's a nice fellow. I truly do wish him the best. I don't think I am the best. Not for him anyway.

And dating? no thank you. I thought it would be fun. an adventure. but I found that there is too much drama. Too many questions, too much suspense. I never was one for suspense. Thanks, I'll go back to working on me.

wow

What a diffrence. I'm not saying I'm cured, I'm saying that something inside me feels better since I ended the date-o-rama experiment. I think I took it too seriously. I think it was too important to me, and I think that I was forcing myself into a situation that made me uncomfortable. I'm sure this is not the end of my neurosis, but I do feel as though I have been set back on the right course.

There is still a slight chance of showers. but the sun is peeking through and I have hopes to see a rainbow soon. and if not? at least some clear skies.

As for the rest? I'll work through it. I just have to allow myself the time to do it. Quit being impatient. Focus on the things I love to do instead of on having someone to do them with.

And maybe when I get things back to normal, I will stop being so cranky. I've been pretty cranky lately. For example, a woman just walked into my office and asked where the bathroom was. And after she left all I could think was, "Didn't you see the sign on the door that says 'Not an entrance??'". I almost grumbled about it to Coworker, but thought better of it. She wasn't very open to my snarky remarks about that lady on Friday.

It seems to me,

As though all of my madness started in earnest (although I think i have been working up to it for awhile) when I signed up for Match.com and started looking to date again. So I'm going to say that my sister was right. I am not ready to date again, despite the amount of time that has passed, and I cancelled my membership and hid my portrait. I feel better already.

Tomorrow I need to call yesterday's date and let him know that I am not interested and cancel our outing for wendesday. I don't see any reason to go, I know how I feel. This has helped me to better understand why Diver Dan didn't give me one more chance to make a good impression. He knew. And I feel better understanding that. I would email, but that seems like a cop out. A way to hide behind my ability with the written word. (If ever you think that I might be ineloquent in writing, you have never spoken to me in person.) Courage. All I need is courage.

I'll keep my crush on my favorite eye candy. I doubt it will go anywhere despite my coworker telling a mutual aquaintence that he should hook us up. (I was mortified) But it is harmless and helps me to learn to speak with men I am attracted to. Which is a good thing.

The rest will heal with time.

Lately

Lately it seems as if I cry more frequently than I smile. or laugh. I've been giving the same answer to questions about myself. How's life? How are you? or Worse, when T said I looked good, "you know. same as always".

I am not a typically meloncholy person. I am not accustomed to more than a few tears over sappy comercials. I thought it might be imbalance. That I have been working too much. But I don't think that's it anymore. Since I can sense that there is something amiss, I don't think that it is my favorite family affliction. (BiPolar Disorder). Whatever it is, I want to fix it.

And T? every time I think about it I feel physically ill. So I try not to think about it. It's not working. So when I can't help it? I try to spin it in my head into something positive. It's what I do. But it's not working. And I return to the same old delimma. But I wonder if that is even valid anymore. You see, I already made a fool of myself. the card, on the flowers was signed, "Love". It was after he read it that he told me about her. I watched him slide it into his pocket. Likely so that she wouldn't find it by accident. I just wanted to run but he kept me there with his small talk. I am so thankful that she was not there. I would have felt a thousand times the fool. At least, as things stand, I know I did what my heart told me to do. It bothers me that I don't want it to work out. I told him I want his happiness, but I didn't say that I want that happiness to include me.
The logical part of me knows that there are a lot of things that T has to come to grips with. That he has to find his happiness within himself. That he can't keep running from himself. I have always known that about him. He's threatening to move east again. Which is better than what he said before about not wanting to commit suicide. yet.
I ask myself why I would want to be with someone like this. You know, cracked. I tell myself that eventually, he would run from me too. I think he did run from me in many ways. And better than he runs from me know than later, when there are children. Then I tell myself that I am rediculous, and that I have to accept the reality of I am not the woman he wants to be with. But every instinct in my soul tells me otherwise. Every empathetic ability says something else when he looks at me.
The truth is, that look though I might, I have yet to meet anyone who I like to talk to as much. Who shares my interests the way he does. Who like to make wild plans the way I do. Every time someone contacts me on that damndable internet dating site I hope that there will be a click. A match if you will. But there is nothing. Not with Scuba Steve, not with yesterday's guy. Or really any of the other several men I am chatting with.

Yesterday's guy said something that really hit home. I didn't say it then. He talked about a children's book that decribed how when people get their wish, they stop evolving. It was a book on evolution but I understood it differently. And although I said at the time that I hope I never stop evolving, I also wondered if that was the real reason I hadn't gotten my wish. The only wish I can really remember making. The reason I stopped making wishes. Because once I thought it had come true, and it wasn't at all what I thought. I learn so much from each experience that I have that I wonder if there is so much more for me to learn that it is unlikely that I will get my wish any time soon. That doesn't lift my spirits! I miss the kind of interactions that occur between a man and a woman. Not sex. I have learned to exist without that, although that is part of it. there's a closeness you feel when you are with someone you care about. a closeness I have not felt in a long time.

But wait, you say, there was Biker Bob.
There are many things I did not discuss about my relationship with Biker Bob. I think I have said that more than once. Out of respect for our relationship, if it can be called that, I kept it off the internet. the truth is that it started falling apart as soon as it began. He would be late to see me, then show up smelling of beer. (in his defense, I knew he was out playing with his friends.) Further interactions were unsatisfying. We were more "nakid sleepover friends" than lovers. He spent more time falling asleep despite my attentions than responding to them.
His sense of play was different than mine. I tried to end it when I realized that we didn't play well together, but he wanted to keep dating.
I sprained my ankle the night I picked him up from the airport. (from a visit to his family) The next day, I'm sure I mentioned that he helped me put on my shoes. Drove me to the hospital. Once I had my AirCast, we spent all day running his errands. walking through stores until late into the evening. After that, I would count weeks between physicality, often days between kisses, even though we saw each other every day.
I invited him, at one point to my Friend's birthday party. He said he would show up, even got directions. But he never did. Got distracted, he said. Didn't really feel like it. When I confronted him, his response was, "no one there was waiting for me...except you" Still I held on. There was just enough to keep me taround. A caress here, a quick kiss there.
I am sad for the woman I became. Waiting for any sort of physical attention because it was better than none. When he stopped paying attention to me, (i don't require a lot, but when I'm there, don't act like you wish I wasn't) when we were both too busy, I realized it was time to let it go. I knew I should have before. I talk about it now because we are no longer speaking. I hope he finds the love he seeks.
I am not a convienence item. Some is not always better than none.
I'm not saying that it was all his fault. I was not giving him what he needed either. I'm not going to pretend I did the best that I could. I just think it shouldn't have continued as long as it did. I think it did me more harm than good.

It feels good to talk about these things. To send them out into the web for all the world to see. It's hard, now, because I have always used the same user name, and I worry about who might stumble across what I have written. i'm glad that I have not abandoned my written journal for all the secrets that I keep.

I feel a bit renewed again. Maybe I have just been holding my emotions inside for so long that they have made me sick in the soul. But only like, the flu. I just need to sweat it out. I hope it lasts. I'm running out of Toilet paper.

It was a ten year relationship

and sadly, it went bad. I had been looking to get out of it for a little while, but today was the final straw.

Yes. today I recieved my insurance renewal, and they raised my rates. so I dumped that bastard and found someone newer and cheaper. With better coverage. HA

It went kind of like this...

I may just be bitchy today. I am the first to admit that I am dealing with an onslaught of emotions and I am unused to dealing with this many "issues" at once. (there's the T thing, which makes me ill every time I think about it which, I try NOT to think about it, but you know how that works. And tomorrows date. And lack of sleep. And a few other things that I don't really care to mention.)

So.

(overheard)"Gina has some drawings for us?"

Hearing my name I pop up and around the corner. I see a woman I have never seen before at my door.

G "Hi"
Lady "you have some drawings for us?"
G "Who is 'us'?"(I filled 6 drawing requests today. There were several that had not been picked up, not to mention a few from days past)
Lady "I am so and so with such and such"
G "Ok, but who are the drawings for?"
Lady "So and So"
G "Ok here you go"
Lady "Nice to meet you"
G "yeah nice to meet you too. have a nice day"

After she left, I grumbled a bit at coworker. She said that she knew the lady and that it wasn't her fault, I said I had never seen her before. The reason I was grumbly? I don't like guessing games. At all. Had she come to the door and said some version of the following, I would have been all smiles.

"Hi. My name is such and such with so and so. Whozit sent me to pick up her drawings"


Another grumbly point? A request came in today for a document to be fedexed. I got everything ready and realized I only had a PO Box for the company. I called the PE. A couple of hours later she called back and said she didn't have a better address and did I call them? (it's not that I mind calling, it's that I am expected to do so when I think it is her responsibility to provide useful info about her vendors) I called. They are off on Fridays. I guess I will not be sending the document until Monday!

Liner Notes: Oh, That's Rich!

Liner Notes: Oh, That's Rich!

I'm really proud of my comment here. heh.

In addition

to providing distracting eye candy through out the evening last night, the Universe has seen fit to gift me with $200, won at today's holiday pep rally. wow.

I considered skipping work today because I wasnt certain how my emotions would be. As some of you know, this is unusual and even after a major breakup, I am usually at work the next day. So I must have been especially upset yesterday. Aren't I glad I felt better this morning?

and now...

something a little less serious.

Somehow

Somehow I made it though my shift without a melt down. I have to give thanks that on this, one of my more temultuous days, the universe was kind enough to place my favorite eye candy in my store the entire evening. I even had a small conversation with him. Sadly, I was all mopey and teary. I am also blessed with the sweetest co workers who acted extra silly and did ther best to distract me when it was obvious I was thinking.

This too, shall pass and life will return to what passes as normal. Just a little speed bump, that's all. I would still like to know what the lesson is. I'm going to bed. It's where I have wanted to be all evening. I don't know that I will make it to work tomorrow. I am not feeling well. Every time I allow myself to ponder that, the following quote comes to mind,

"put on your big girl panties and deal with it"

Among bad ideas, this one was apparently bad

I finally heard from T, who indicated that he wasn't doing so well in many areas of his life. I thought it would be nice to leave him flowers. I didn't expect him to be home.

my florist, only stocks red and white roses, so although I really wanted to give him orange, I chose red.

As I knelt down to place the flowers on his porch, he opened the door. He invited me in. He said he was on his way out.

He said he is seeing someone.

We made small talk, I told him I didn't mean to cause trouble with the flowers. I waited until I was a block away before I cried. I've been trying to prepare myself for this for a long time. I knew that eventually it would come up. I thought I was doing something nice.

I didn't know it would hurt this badly. I mean, I thought it might, but I didn't want it to.

Not only have I hurt myself, but likely this girl too. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I wouldn't cause trouble. She has never met me. And now I have gone and upset her, which is something I would never intentionally do.

I know I am trying to ignore my feelings and concentrate on her. He must really like her if he told me about her. It's hard to see someone else with the person you want to be with. I'm really glad she wasn't there. I would really be a basket case.

I just don't want to hurt anymore. I had really hoped that by the time this day came that I would have met someone great and that I wouldn't mind so much. That there would be a little pang and that's it. Seester suggested that I am not as ready to meet someone as I want to be. But part of wanting to meet someone is wanting to overwrite the memory.

I want to curl up in my bed but I have to work. They called me in early. I hope I am distracted enough.

trying again

I just got off the phone with a fellow I have been talking to for a week or so. We seem to have similar interests in matters of the unseen, which is good. Since we mostly talked about me, I'm not sure yet what else we have in common. But anyway, we are going to meet on saturday during the day. I'll keep you all updated. And I will try not to go off the deep end this time.

In the absence of anything else at the moment...

I just took a quiz. Now I need to look this lady up!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?

You're Lili St. Cyr!
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In less serious news...

I went to a craft fair today and am pleased to report that i did very well at it. That isn't the issue here. If you have visited my website or know anything about my products, you know that one of my more popular products is "Butt Soap". I named it that because I think it's funny. That also is not the point.

Most events, I get to sit back and laugh while people dare each other to smell the Butt Soap. Some flat out refuse to sample the scent which, for the record, is Peppermint.

Today, I was talking to a girl of 17 and her younger sister

TANGENT ALERT (today was cool because I got to explain to a couple of different kids about how soap is formed in a chemical reaction caused by mixing acids and bases. They thought that was cool. I pointed out that it is a lot cooler than mixing baking soda and vinegar. I mean, I got them a little bit excited about Chemistry! score one for Gina!! ANYWAY)

and I happened to joke about how the Butt Soap does not smell like butt. We both giggled a little, but her younger sister looked me in the eye and asked, "What does butt smell like?"

It was an "oh shit" moment. After a couple of seconds of me hemming and hawing, big sister saved me by replying, "It smells like you."

whew. That was a close one.

angels among us

I don't know if I mentioned that I recieved a final notice onthe storage a week or two ago. and despite wanting to, I didn't pay it. I got support from my sister, and we decided that when it comes down to it, we have each other and the rest is just stuff.

Well, a couple of days ago, there was a certified letter notice in my mailbox addressed to my dad. After thinking about it and consulting my sister, I called the storage place. I didn't want to sign for it and find out I am liable. I already don't like it that my address is associated with him.

She told me that certified letters go out to all known addresses when a unit goes to lein. She said that my dad had called and said he would pay and quit, but that the engine in his car had blown and he wasn't able to make it up there.

Then she said the following, which made me bless them again. and again.

"I took your address off the account completely. and if it goes to lein sale I will call you and let you get what you want out of there."

Even if I don't. Even if he pays his debt to them and moves out. even if they sell everything and never mention it to me, those words were a kindness I will never forget. It has been nice dealing with people who do not judge me for my fathe's actions. People who understand how life can be sometimes and who go out of thier way to be nice, even though there may be nothing they can do,they still try. they are the people who help to keep hope in the world. They are the reason I have not lost faith in humanity.

Maybe bossman is right,

maybe I am too picky. I'm really beginning to believe that my emotional state was far more stable before I signed up for this internet dating thing.

Here's how it is. I have "winked" or sent messages to every attractive man who falls within my search criteria with the exception of C because, um, we're already friends. Only Diver Dan answered. And we know how that turned out. Since I can look, I know that those men? Looked at me but apparently didn't like what they saw. I'm thinking that since they at least looked, but didn't answer, that it was a personality issue. (and maybe a looks issue, I don't know) But, whatever, that's normal, we see people every day but don't approach them. But that doesn't do very good things for my ego, you know?

The men who wink at or approach me? They're either too old (over 35. or 37 if you want to stretch the issue) Live too far away, (what in the world is a man living in NY doing trying to hook up with a woman in CA?) Have kids (which, I know as I get older this will be a increasingly difficult one to avoid) have a conflicting faith, or I am just plain not attracted to them.

I am trying not to be shallow. The ones I am not attracted to could very well be the nicest guys ever. but I think attraction is important. I'm not looking for a male model, just someone I like looking at. I don't want to settle just for the sake of having company. Remembering how I stuck around and soaked up the bits of affection that Biker Bob carefully doled out makes me cringe and lower my head in shame. I hate how I became the girl who stayed even though she wasn't happy because it was better than being alone. Because, as I freely admitted, the attention was nice. Then the attention stopped. But I wonder if I am being too picky. And then I wonder if all this is really worth the stress and thought I am putting into it. Then I think, if I am going to reject every man who approaches me, what is the point of paying for the service?

Then I wonder if I am really ready to date after all. Going out Monday night was great, even if the end result was a couple of days of neurosis. Unusual nerosis, I might add. I mean, we all know I'm a little nutty, but that was beyond. Is this going to happen every time a guy decides he isn't interested in me "that way"? Will I be so incredibly nervous on every first date that I blunder thorough like a nieandrathal? I felt so inept. Like I had been overtaken by some sort of babbling, flapping, freak.

I feel so out of sorts. out of balance. Part of me wanted to go out tonight even though I didn't have company, but I listened to the part that said I should stay home and prepare for the craft faire tomorrow. But here I am blogging when I should be trimming soap. My house is a mess, the bird is afraid of her new home, my eye is all twitchy, and I keep moping about and crying. Well, mostly when I really think about the whole dating situation, not so much when I am doing other things. I'm confused and I don't know what to do about it.

Where did my balance go? Yesterday I got myself so worked up at work that I broke out in a rash over a drawing snafu. That's never happened before. I think I made it a bigger deal than it had to be. Perhaps I am doing the same with the whole internet dating thing. Maybe I should quit feeling guilty and just keep on rejecting. Maybe I should crawl into bed and worry about it tomorrow.

Domestic HNT and a mini rant

Proof that I actually do iron.

and now my mini rant.

Nothing angers me more, or hurts me more, I suppose is more accurate, than someone who makes plans with me and then breaks them. Even when there is a good reason. even when they seem remorseful. I guess it wouldn't be such an issue if it didn't happen a lot. You would think that I would be used to it. in many ways I am. I actually expected tomorrow's cancellation, even though I was looking forward to the outing. On the bright side, I now have plenty of time to tend to business before the craft fair on Saturday. on the not so bright side, when you wander around expecting people to dissapoint you, they usually do.