Monday, August 01, 2005

I'm ready for my heartbreak now, Mr DeMille

Epiphany in the shower. Guess that would make it a nakid epiphany.

My mom said something yesterday about how she thinks perhaps T is not ready to settle down. (this is not going where you think it is going, trust me) This could be true, but it is not the epiphany.

I realized, that in life, we are never ready. We are never ready for children. we are never ready to buy houses. we are never ready to settle down. or, like my title says, we never sit back and say "Ok, Universe, send me that heartbreak now, because I am READY for it" But we do the things we do to get by in life, and when sadness comes along, we deal with it. And I think, most often, when love comes along, we're not ready, but we are so busy trying to be ready that we don't recognize it until it is gone. I think that is why C still has hope*. Likely, that is why I still have hope even though it tears me apart every moment of every day**. So it is best to stop trying to prepare and live life, before we miss it completely.

We can be ready for the pitch. We can be ready for dinner. We can't be ready for life. If you say you are ready, I really think you are deluding yourself.

*He called last week and we went to the movies last night. I made sure I met him there, and bought my ticket before he arrived, and no, I didn't want iany snacks, thank you, so it would feel less like a date. The movie was good, and thankfully we parked in opposite parking lots so there would be no deep conversations. I am wary, because he only seems to be my friend these days when I am single. And I don't think that is a true friendship.

**The most difficult thing I think will have to do (in recent history) is to tell T that I still care. Because if I don't, I will always wish I had. I know it will be humiliating. and that it will make things uncomfy between us if he doesn't feel the same. That my confession will likely force me to walk away for good, as I have been threatening to do for three months. But since I have been waiting for the time to be right. Waiting for me to be ready, then I think sooner is better than later since I will never be ready or comfortable with it, and the time will never be "right". This is life, not the movies.

1 comment:

Jen said...

There is never a good time, or a right time. The time is now. Live life for today. And if you love someone, tell them. You never know if you will ever get another chance to say it. Even if you feel it will embarrass you...embarrassment is a lot easier to get over than regrets are.