Friday, July 08, 2005

New assignment

My new assignment is to study teen agers between 14 and 16 to better understand myself at that age and how I didn't really have the skills to deal with the reponsibilities that were thrust upon me, even though I thought I did.
It was amazing yesterday to really look into how young I was when I started fending for myself. I mean, I knew I was young, but I didn't realize that the process started when I was around 6 (when my mom married my step dad) and that I was more or less responsible for everythng but my dinner by the time I was 9 ish. Don't get me wrong, I had everything a child needs, food, shelter, clothes, a more than healthy dose of dicipline and negative attention...But I was responsible for my breakfast (didn't eat) my lunch, (usually didn't eat, and funny, my family just laughed the day I told them I had a dorrito for lunch. Now I understand how wrong that is) laundry, chores...all the things that I have to deal with as an adult, only now I have bills too. Yesterday I had to tell my counselor that I didn't go to the dentist or doctor from the time I was 9 until I made myself an appointment for a sports physical when I was 14, and a dental cleaning when I was 17.
But one of the things that I didn't realize is that through all that, I had to deal alone with all the emotions that I was having. Crying was not allowed, so I would wait until I went to bed, and cry myself to sleep. I was so angry at my parents, my mom for ignoring me and not standing up for me, and my step dad for being mean, but I wan't allowed to be angry, and as I got older and we left, my mom told me that I needed to forgive my step dad, that it wasn't ok to be angry. The reason this matters now is that I see how I have trouble turning to anyone else for comfort. Anyone else for support. Because I have supported myself emotionally for so long. And I think I need to learn to accept the support of others so that I can be more of a whole person. It felt really good when she told me that it was ok to be angry.


jen said...

Yes! You need to start accepting support...not just acknowledging it, but taking it. And I, for one, am here to give it. WHENEVER you need it. Day or night.

Ginamonster said...

Thanks, Jen.