Ponders

I spend a lot of time thinking about where I am in life, where I want to be, and where I have been. I realized today (not that I hadn't thought about it before, but it really hit me today) that I have been living in my current tower for a little over a year now. And that is the longest I have lived anywhere in the last three years. I have always considered myself the kind of person in need of a home. And I have tended to make a home for myself anywhere I was with the exception of living in Ramona, CA. It was never home for me.

As a child, we moved every three years, almost like clockwork. At the time, I didn't understand that my parents were doing their best to better the situation and moving was part of that process. Buying a house, then selling and moving to something bigger. When we packed up and left the Ramona house, life was uncertain and a bright future lay ahead. I felt the same way when I moved out of my mom's house 2 years ago this month. I think about where I was then.

Dating E, I had not yet met T. Meeting T changed my life. I was getting ready to move to the Lakeside house. I thought I would live there for a long time. Maybe even buy it someday. Moving into my tower was never on the adjenda, I don't even like apartments. But funny, I am happy here. I would still like to own somewhere. I am still working to that end, but messy as it is, I am comfortable here and do not see another move in my future. Not yet, anyway.

I have felt this way before though, in those gloriously happy months I lived with C. Even though we didn't plan to stay in that house, I did the best I could to make it my home, and I looked forward to investing in the next one together. In the next home, I could have more say in the decor because it would be mine too. I would be an equal owner.

that was not to be the life for me, despite what I thought, and I look back over the last three years and see how I have grown. I see the good decisions and the bad. But life has turned out good. Not at all the way I expected, but good. I have my business and my yarn, I have a set plan for becoming debt free, even though personal time has taken precident. I have my health, I have my family. I miss personal interactions. Some days are worse than others, but I think of how I made mistakes where men are concerened and I know that I am right in staying single. Not that there is anyone real on the horizon. Crushes don't really count when they don't even know your name.

I never thought, three years ago that I would be where I am today. That I would have moved three times and still manage to fill a two bedroom apartment. Three times three. A magic number. funny, I didn't realize that until now. Perhaps something interesting is about to happen after all.

Another thing that is causing ponders in my world is the abundance of babies that have popped into my world this month. I spent Wendesday evening with John, who's mother has been my friend for over half my life. Tomorrow, Beth, who's father has also been my friend for more than half my life. These are the friends that I think will be in my world forever, no matter how far they are, no matter how bad I am about writing or calling. I tell myself that their life isn't what I am supposed to be having right now, but I wonder if I ever will. And it hurts a little. Then I remind myself that there are likely things they envy about me too, and I realize that it's healthy to want what other people have, as long as it's just a little bit and you still appriciate your own good fortune. I could have compromised a long time ago. Settled down with D, even though doing so would have ended his dreams and made me crazy. Looked the other way when C was doing what he did, except that I am so proud of myself for having the courage to stand up and say it was wrong. I could have told T I wanted babies just to keep him. I don't know that it would have worked. And had I had his children, and not faced my issues the way I did, I would have resented them all. That is no way to live. No way to love.

Something tells me that had I settled, life would have gone crazy anyway. It just would have happened later. And I would have ended up right where I am. Spinning yarns in my tower. Likely without the bird and the big screen TV to keep me company. No, whether it was intentional or not, I chose a different life than that of my peers. And I need to remember that.