I remembered as I was driving down the mountain today that it has been 2 years, today, since I met T. I didn't think of him all weekend. I was and am proud of myself.
I still have tough days. I don't talk about them. It's a tired subject. And I, myself don't understand why I hang on so tenaciously.
I sent Interesting Man an email asking him to dinner. I wasn't thinking about what today is. I wasn't thinking that he could be someone who could finally wipe the memories away. I was thinking that I would like to have dinner with this nice man and that if I don't suggest it, it is likely that he never will. I hit the send button before I could talk myself out of it. I have been making myself ill with anxiety ever since. I just checked my email for the third time. Another email came in while I was writing this. I can't decide if I should check now or wait until I am finished with this post. I forwarded the email to the girls so that they would see that I made a move. I know that Wendy was frustrated with me that I hadn't.
It was bulk mail.
When I am done here, I am going to turn off the computer. I won't turn it back on tonight, that is how I am. I will pop in a movie, maybe something inspirational, and go put away my clothes or make something I can be proud of. I have a couple of batches of soap that want to be made. Yarn that wants to be spun and pillows that have waited nearly a year to be covered. I need to vacume. So many things that are so much more productive than checking my email every five minutes only to discover more junk mail or spam. spam mail. not the canned meat. we've been through this.
Deep breath. publish. off.