Monday, July 16, 2012

Where I'm at

I'm still posting ahead although I appear to be catching up with myself.

These past couple of weeks haven't been easy, but I remembered early on that there is always a mourning period and I have been through it enough to see the signs in myself.

I'm not beyond it. I spent over a year in his company and I understand that it will take time to move on. I won't go into detail but I am constantly looking at the situation from every angle I can come up with. Picking it apart. Analyzing it as best as I can with the one sided information I have. Then, when I go to bed at night, I pray that I will fall asleep quickly. Most nights I do. The other nights, I do my best not to make up situations that may or may not be true. Torments about what he might be doing that are none of my concern. Normal. All of it. I know that one day, I won't worry about it any more.

My friends have been wonderful about keeping me busy. Tonight was my first night totally alone. I was ready to be alone in my home with my projects and my dog. It's a good feeling.

There are times when I am okay, and times when I feel as though I have been stripped nakid. But I always remember that I have been here before and that I will move beyond it again.  I remember that it has hurt worse. That I've seen bottom and this isn't it. I remind myself of other things too.

So I keep on trucking. I put on a happy face. I try not to talk about it or him because it's bad enough to dwell in my head without forcing everyone else to listen too. When I am alone, I talk to myself a lot.

This too shall pass. And that is where I'm at.

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