Of needing to blog at work. I always want to wait until I get home, but by the time I get there, my brain has turned whatever was pissing me off into hearts and flowers and somehow, I think I was just being silly. And so, a letter for you to read.
I realize that you have managed to make it so that you run everything in the office leaving me little to do. Believe me, I have mentioned it to bossman and he either inores me when I say, "I am feeling insecure obout my job" or he tells me that if you want to do all the work to let you.
This is not about that. It's about the fact that you called me over today to tell me that Accounting does not accept bossman's signature as verification that an invoice can be paid. You talked over me when I told you that I know this and that is why I give invoices to big boss after bossman has signed them. I have bossman sign them to show big boss that he has seen and approved the invoice. Out of courtesy for bossman even though it isn't really nessesary. If big boss didn't sign the invoice (and I saw the returned invoice. It had an "approved" stamp on it. I don't know who used the stamp, but accounting crossed it out. Remind me how I did something wrong? then again, don't. because I didn't)
I realize that you don't think I can do anything right. And often, due to my extreme insecurity in a department and position that I helped build from the ground up, I often fuck up. Mostly because you are constantly undermining what I do by showing me how you would do it better/faster/more accurately. Completely running over the fact that I do things in a way that best serves the way my rather messed up brain works. It is a very distracted brain. Change screws with my needed processes. I rarely messed up before you came along. But remember. I have been in this position for nearly 4 years. I have been dealing with the accounting department in this company off and on for nearly 10 years. I know how it works. I don't need you to tell me. I don't need you to lecture me. I don't need you to qiestion a process I go through nearly every day. It's not complicated.
Meanwhile, when I mention to you that frustration I had on Friday, I am looking for you to nod and agree. Yes, I know that is how that director does it. yes, I know the vendors give us napkin drawings. I am aware that I am not likely to change it. I know you think it is quicker to draw it by hand then to translate it to CAD. I have done both. a good CAD operator is faster. The point is that we have set up a process, and I am determined that in the very least the part of the job here that is still almost exclusively mine (until you get the equipment, when I imagine that you will manage to do all that too, and I will be stuck back here wondering how it is I am getting paid to surf the internet and praying that that fact doesn't occur to the bosses) is done to the best of my ability. I will continue to push to have at least ink drawings. What I don't need is for you to make me feel like an inept idiot. again.
It is days like this when I understand your son. After all, why try if you know you are going to be critisized anyway? Why try to do things right when no matter how hard you do try, it will never be right? never be enough?
Meanwhile, it occurred to me that she might make me feel like an idiot because I am one. and that was not a happy thought. I had also been wondering when it was that I lost interest in my job and started playing more than I think I should. When it was that I became pretty well unhappy with my job.
I think I know. And I think I know what would fix it. But I am not ready to leave. And she doesn't seem to be going anywhere. and so I must be patient. And let things run thier course. And try not to take it personally. And maybe those are the lessons I need to learn before the issue is resolved. Because I'm pretty sure I'm not an idiot.