Thursday, March 31, 2005

Inevitable Tears

It doesn't matter how wonderful a guy is, it doesn't matter how much attention he gives me, how much time he spends snuggling with me or how many times he tells me I am beautiful. He's gonna hurt my fragile ego, and I am going to cry. We will call it inevitable tears, and, I think if I ever write a book, that shall be the title.
I shed my first (and only) tear last night. It was a good one too. Welled up slowly. Sat for a long time in the hollow between my eye and nose. (I was laying on my side) slowly made it's way across the bridge of my nose, through the other eye, and onto my pillow. Poor BF. He asked if something was wrong and I said "nothing". (number two!! A voice boomed into my head and I immediately reminded myself that I swore I wouldn't lie to him again, that I would communicate like an adult instead of making him feel like he had done something wrong when really, he didn't) You cannot lie to a sensitive, he knew there was something wrong, but how could I explain?
How do I say that when he commented that I was being "lovey dovey" I heard, "you're being awfully loving for a person I'm just sleeping with". My answer was that sometimes I just get like that. I am not a clingy woman. I do not indulge in PDA's. Actually, I rarely initiate any sort of physical contact. One day I will list all the times men I have been dating have refused my attention. This makes me very gun shy. Over sensitive. Apt to take any comment about said attentions the wrong way unless it's something like "hey, gimme more of that lovin!"
That he knew something was wrong broke my heart more. But I couldn't force myself to tell him, "it's not you, it's me". I cannot ask him to fix something when it is me that is broken and only security can fix it. But that takes time. So much time, and I fear that he will stop trusting me if I always say "nothing" when he knows it's something.

Aside from the enormous crack in my soul, it certainly is a beautiful day, and when BF came by work, (I had forgotten he was supposed to come by) it was such a pleasant surprise. If I can fix this gaping hole where my self esteem should be...


C-8 said...

If I didn't know better, I'd think that you had broken into my head and written down my thoughts from the last week. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my dysfunction.

Ginamonster said...

Holy crap, I'm glad I'm not either!!