Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Funny spot to be in

A friend of mine caught his wife cheating. He caught her because he read her email which happened to be open on her desktop. so he sent himself the emails. then forwarded them to me for safe keeping. in case she reads his email.

There is temptation to read them as they sit burning a hole in the cyberspace folder I created for him. He even said I could. But I'm not sure I want to sully my mind with the indescressions of a woman I liked immedietly when I met her. I don't think I want to know the depth to which she went in order to be considered cheating. I don't want to read the sordid details of another woman's affair. At least not a woman I know.

I am curious why he chose to have me keep these documents. It reminds me of High School. "Here, hold these notes for me, they have important information". Maybe it reminds me of the ugly days before we left my step dad, when we knew he was cheating but there was nothing we could do right then. we were afraid. My friend is not afraid. he's just hurt. Maybe because she would never know to ask me, since I have only met her once. ick. I don't like this. but as a friend, I will not refuse. And I will not look.

Boyfriend tells me I seem uptight and uncomfortable even though he knows I am not like that. I told him it takes me time to get comfortable with someone, that indeed, although he says I am not shy, he has not seen the full extent of the person that I am. I probably would not have noticed this about myself, but since he points it out, I must agree. It occurrs to me that whatever barriers are between us now are mine. He is comfortable showing me the person that he is. I like that person.

Is it ok to tell him that the last time I got comfortable with someone I ended up losing everything? I know that this time, I have nothing to lose, except perhaps my sanity and that, of course, is questionable. When is it ok, in a relationship, to share your past? your hurts and issues? I don't want to talk too much about it and turn him off, chase him away, because I would have no one to blame but myself and to quote my dad, "he's a keeper". I don't think he is giong anywhere since he offered me a key to his apartment (If I want. I told him it was up to him) but keys don't mean forever and a smart man won't deal with distant very long unless he is in love, and are we too new for me to be having these questions? We're a month into knowing each other and 4 days into our "relationship" and perhaps it might all be moving quick enough for me to be a little scared of the outcome. Who am I kidding? I am always scared of the outcome. Frightened to let anyone get too close. perhaps those are the things I should be sharing with him.

Oy. two funny spots on the same day.

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